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My husband destroyed my life

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 April 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I apologize for the long post.

I need some advice on how to move on and how to cope with what I have been through, all I can think about just now is revenge, it is eating away at me.

I separated from my husband last September (married 5 year, together 15). I know it was completely the right thing to do but the unfairness of the situation I have been left in is destroying me.

The beginning of the end of the marriage was when he started working in the music industry, he completely focused on his job and never seemed to have time for me or the marriage,in spite of this I supported him and his career as I believed he was building a future for us.

I did my part by doing everything for him, he never had to lift a finger in the house (I also worked full time) and I supported him emotionally when he was stressed etc as his job came with a lot of pressure.

A couple year down the line and things just went completely down hill, by this time his job had completely overtaken our lives, it got so bad that when we were on holiday he was still working. He was working constantly and completely abandoning our marriage and when he wasn't working he was hanging out with his music industry mates, staying out to all hours.

All I wanted was an equal balance of work and personal life. Despite my best efforts to talk to him and sort things out it just got worse, i ended up feeling so neglected that I suffered depression. My needs and my plans and dreams for the future were all sidelined, when we married we agreed we both wanted children,but he would never commit to this although he would say we should start trying, even made announcments to family that we were going to start a family and how much he wanted a baby, he even bought some baby clothes, when it came to it he would never do it.

This went on for 4 years, as you can imagine I was so disheartned, angry and devastated by all this emotional turmoil and neglect that I started to close myself off from him and I got resentful as I wasnt getting what I wanted out of life or my marriage, it was all about him. I would talk and think I was making progress but nothing ever changed. I ended up taking an overdose(something im not proud of)to try and stop the pain I was feeling.

Around this time I also found out he had an affair (found texts etc), although he denied it at first then he admitted it was a friendship nothing more he managed to talk his way out of it and even had the cheek to try and blame me cause I had been so down he wasn't getting attention, at the time I was just so devastated I went into denial and tried to push it to the back of my mind, my self esteem and confidence were rock bottom.

He told me he loved me that I was the love of his life, So we carried on, me living in hope that our marriage would get better and hoping the best for future and him living in his own selfish world. Then I find out he is taking cocaine, I pleaded with him to stop but he wouldn't, he became a compulsive liar and master manipulator, absuer(emotionally and physically), and a thief.

He did not care about the damage he was doing, I tried to help him but nothing worked. In the end I had to end things for my own sanity although I did have a breakdown a couple of months later when I found out the extent of what had been going on with the drugs, he owed dealers thousands which his family had to pay off and he had stolen thousands from his employer, he was of course sacked.

So now the position is our house is about to be repossessed as I could not pay the mortgage alone and he will not get job to help with payments, and Im having to go bankrupt as I cannot pay a joint loan we had. I have had to deal with the whole mess that he created and left behind.

I have lost everything at his hand, my home, financial name, future children I dreamed of,I have been left with nothing and I have had to move in with my mother. He just seems to have moved on and does not care,he shows no remorse. He even has a girlfriend and I have heard they are moving into a flat together.

Iam so angry that he did all this to me and our marriage. I so want to move on and create a happy, healthy life for myself and eventually meet someone who will treat me right, but I cant get it out my system, I cannot detach from it.

How do I move on and get past this? any advise would be great.

View related questions: a break, affair, bankrupt, confidence, drugs, has a girlfriend, liar, move on, on holiday, revenge, self esteem, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011):

I understand how you feel. I have been married 11 years and with my husband almost 13 and we are not getting a divorce. My husband also worked so much that he never spends any time with the kids or myself and has not for most of our marriage, he is a hard worker and I have always loved him for that between us we have 5 kids but non together. But I have taken care of his kids, mine, the home. supported him not money wise we both worked but he went to school to get his real estate, bachlors, and opened two business that failed while i worked most of the marriage and took care of the kids, house, him paid the bills. but he says he loves me but dont know how he feels, and needs to find himself. bull shit.. we also lost our home, 5 cars and just finished bankrupsy. I have never felt so used, and hurt in my life. we still live in the same house for now but im moving out in two weeks and scared as hell.. I know I will be ok I just dont want to feel the pain anymore and would love for him to feel the pain i do. I guess its just easier for men, I should have known better since he was married 4 times before me and he was my first husband. But you hang in there, find something you love to do and pray.... let me know how you are doing and hanging in there... stay strong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009):

Hi

Yes you can detach from this! You have everything you need within......Happy Easter HOPE! new beginnings.

via con dios.

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A female reader, bobbles32 Canada +, writes (10 April 2009):

bobbles32 agony auntSue him, for half of the joint loan. I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. clearly you deserve better! Find a man that holds you and his career as equals. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009):

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. But consider: you not having children with him is actually a blessing in disguise. They would have suffered through that situation of him being a coke addict and habitual liar. And yet they would have desperately wanted to be loved by their daddy.

Your life is not ruined. You are still a young woman and can find a new, more caring husband, if that is your wish. Also, people go bankrupt all the time. It is not over for you. Fight for your happiness.

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