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My husband could have me any time... So why does he need to masturbate to porn?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 September 2005) 45 Answers - (Newest, 1 February 2013)
A female , *arensue writes:

When I go to work my husband downloads porn and plays with himself. It hurts my feelings because he could have me anytime he wants. He could have had me before I went to work. He has even looked at porn when me and the kids were sleeping. It makes me feel un-attractive and bored with me. He denies doing it, but he sometimes forgets to delete some in the download files. Why can't he be satisfied with me? I feel it is a form of cheating, what do you think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013):

Ok ladies...I am going through the same emotional feelings as you all are with the whole him watching porn....I feel as if he dont desire me or want me...but we do have a great sex life...and I dont understand why he would want to watch porn when all hes gotta do is call me into the other room and I am MORE then WILLING to give him whatever and how ever he wants it...maybe some of the other people are right...its an addiction...becuz its what he has done for years and what he knows to do to relive himself from frustrations...I do know one thing though he loves me dearly and is very much in love with me...it just hurts my feelings and emotionally toys with my heart to walk in on him doing this....I have also watched porn with him...and understand how stimulating of a turn it can be...so im very confussed on this situation of why he tries to hurry up and turn it off so he dont get caught so im wondering am i doing what im suppose to be doing? am i truely full filling his fantisies? is he truely satisfied in the love making department with me? or does he just have a very high sex drive?? becuz i know that I have a high sex drive and enjoy sex 3 to 4 times a day with him and as we have had many of days where we have had sex 3 to 4 times a day in different ways in different rooms....so I am just as confused as the rest of ya'll

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A male reader, Silius Sodimus Australia +, writes (22 January 2013):

First question I would like to ask is, does he know he can have you any time?

Have you told him this? I was in a relationship where I had to practically beg for sex and was made to be this guy who just thought about sex even though I was with her for a relationship. Then I broke up and met someone else who was the complete opposite and it took me a while to get out of the frame of mind of thinking that she doesn't want to have sex. Now we do it almost whenever I/we wan't. So if you haven't indicated that it is possible he just can't be bothered.

If he does know this it could also be that porn fulfills fantasies he know you won't provide, e.g a threesome. However having said this if I had to choose between watching the most fantastic and kinky porn and my girlfriend who is calling me into the bedroom there would be no second thought what I would choose.

Assuming he knows he can always have you I doubt it's due to a high sex drive. I do watch porn as I do not live with my gf and I have a high sex drive but when I'm at her place it's very rarely watched because there's no need.

You said he could have you before he wen't to work, again maybe it's him thinking it's not worth the hassle of convincing you if he is unaware you wan't it too.

Bottom line is if he is aware he can have you anytime and chooses porn over you there's something wrong. I'd talk to him about it, but be sensible about it, if you just tell him off like most guys he will retreat into his shell.

Ask him things like does he watch it because it fulfills a fantasy, is he doing it just because he want's to quickly get off, perhaps it's not so much as a non desire for you but a genuine addiction to porn. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, sometimes it's good to be alittle selfish and just get yourself off without the hassle of foreplay e.t.c but if he continues to watch porn when he knows your available then def talk to him as an adult. I'm a guy so trust me on this.

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A female reader, Cerijo4 United Kingdom +, writes (4 December 2012):

For all the people that say he has a high sex drive or is stressed, and u should sympathise with him, how out about if she also has a high sex drive she feels frustrated and tense, do you think he would like it if she was satisfying herself over porn of other men possibly with penis enlargements, I'm damn sure the man would feel the same, he would feel inadequate like he couldn't satisfy his woman that he wasn't enough and probably question is he not good looking enough is he not big enough, just the same as a woman feels is she not good enough, too fat, too ugly, breasts are too big/small, so I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot it wouldn't be ok!!!! Maybe it's not cheating but for a woman it feels this way as she wants to be the one that can satisfy him in every way, personally it destroys me emotionally that my husband does it, yes I have some issues with myself and how I look, but I can guarentee if I were the sexiest woman on the planet I would not ever be happy with my husband relieving himself over someone else its just not right end of!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011):

I am so serious. I've read all the previous comments and I ma more confused. I'm married for 9 months. The first 6 months my husband and i did not have any problems in the bedroom. Then it started ... I caught him twice that he masturbated (the evidence, not the act) and when i talked to him about it, he said it was nothing - I didn't have to stress about it. I must add that he is in his late 40's and was never married before. Lately he also failed to have an erection while having sex. I feel so cheated!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

Wow where do I begin? I read all the comments. My personal opinion is this: Been married for 5 years and I love my husband so dearly although I have a problem with this masturbation thing that we have probably all done. For the 1st two years I worked he stayed home all day. I was gone all day and wondered why he could not get stimulated anymore. Needless to say I found porn on the pc. We argued about it. There was frustration on my part because I wondered why he could not perform in bed, and this explains everything. It makes perfect sense. How can he get it up if he masturbated all day. Well I never accused him of masturbating, but I put two and two together and vwala! He gave me an excuse of course. He said that he has always had a problem keeping it hard. So here I am 3 years later, and our sex life sucks! I don't work he works now I don't masturbate and do not look at porn, but walked in on him as he was masturbating. I knew what he was doing, but he thought I didn't so a couple of days later I talked to him about it. Told him that I almost fell in the tub cause it had baby oil all over it. Briefly asked if he was using it to masturbate he smiled and gave me that guilty face and said no. I just wanted him to know that I knew in hopes that he will cut down on it because at that point I was dying for some sex from him. I told him it was 10 days already and yes I was counting the days. I told him he does not count the days cause he is being relieved, and I was not. It helped for a little while maybe a week, but then he was back at it. It is going on ten days again lol. I am not sure what to do. I agree with most comments it hurt me, and still does hurt me. I want him to please me. I want his attention. When we have sex it is the most intimate time we have. If he is taking that time away because he is replacing it with masturbation then the problem grows I feel useless. No so much intimacy going anymore. So it is fair to say that it is a problem. More so a selfish habit I call it. Pleasing one self for self satisfaction overall that is selfishness. Just glad he is working now! The porn thing was harder to deal with than his masturbation. I like him knowing I do not approve of porn and masturbation so that makes it harder for him to discretely do it which in turn he will not be able to do it as often. The fact that he denies it all tells me that he is fully capable of being a deceiving husband. It is about trust. He does not trust me enough to confide with me. I expect him to eventually have the temptation to cheat, but so far I guess it has not happened. He spends all his free time with me so far as I know. Good luck all with trying to figure why they must masturbate if they have a beautiful woman in their life. I say the fantasies, the convenience, the more than frequent urges, and selfishness, and laziness!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

Wow where do I begin? I read all the comments. My personal opinion is this: Been married for 5 years and I love my husband so dearly although I have a problem with this masturbation thing that we have probably all done. For the 1st two years I worked he stayed home all day. I was gone all day and wondered why he could not get stimulated anymore. Needless to say I found porn on the pc. We argued about it. There was frustration on my part because I wondered why he could not perform in bed, and this explains everything. It makes perfect sense. How can he get it up if he masturbated all day. Well I never accused him of masturbating, but I put two and two together and vwala! He gave me an excuse of course. He said that he has always had a problem keeping it hard. So here I am 3 years later, and our sex life sucks! I don't work he works now I don't masturbate and do not look at porn, but walked in on him as he was masturbating. I knew what he was doing, but he thought I didn't so a couple of days later I talked to him about it. Told him that I almost fell in the tub cause it had baby oil all over it. Briefly asked if he was using it to masturbate he smiled and gave me that guilty face and said no. I just wanted him to know that I knew in hopes that he will cut down on it because at that point I was dying for some sex from him. I told him it was 10 days already and yes I was counting the days. I told him he does not count the days cause he is being relieved, and I was not. It helped for a little while maybe a week, but then he was back at it. It is going on ten days again lol. I am not sure what to do. I agree with most comments it hurt me, and still does hurt me. I want him to please me. I want his attention. When we have sex it is the most intimate time we have. If he is taking that time away because he is replacing it with masturbation then the problem grows I feel useless. No so much intimacy going anymore. So it is fair to say that it is a problem. More so a selfish habit I call it. Pleasing one self for self satisfaction overall that is selfishness. Just glad he is working now! The porn thing was harder to deal with than his masturbation. I like him knowing I do not approve of porn and masturbation so that makes it harder for him to discretely do it which in turn he will not be able to do it as often. The fact that he denies it all tells me that he is fully capable of being a deceiving husband. It is about trust. He does not trust me enough to confide with me. I expect him to eventually have the temptation to cheat, but so far I guess it has not happened. He spends all his free time with me so far as I know. Good luck all with trying to figure why they must masturbate if they have a beautiful woman in their life. I say the fantasies, the convenience, the more than frequent urges, and selfishness, and laziness!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

Wow, I know guys do it and do it a lot but when it interferes with your sexual relationship, it's too much. Guys are getting lazy; sex on the computer is easy, accessible and non committal. Stress my ass! Take a Yoga class; last time I checked an orgasm elevates your heart rate which is totally opposite of relieving stress. It’s impossible to trust a man that gets caught over and over again or says he’ll stop and doesn’t. If you can’t take him for his word what kind of character does he really have? What happened to honorable men? What happened to honoring and trusting the love between two people? What happened to the respect women deserve when they give their lives and attention to the men they love and are committed to? I'm so crushed by this epidemic that I'm really wondering if there is a decent man out there. I don't know what to do about it because it has been proven that it will continue to happen and your sex life will dwindle away. Not good! One day you’ll be too old to care and having wasted your love on a man who doesn’t want yours is a crime. Get wise, get a new lover or get the old one fixed, and if he doesn’t want to be fixed then respect yourself and find a better life. If you choose to stay and not fix it then you will eventually be lied to about a fling or a prostitute or an affair. And I’ll guarantee if it’s already happened and you don’t know about it you never will. Use your intuition; it’s there for a reason. He’ll never in a million years confess, unless he really wants to ditch you. I’d say that would be better then living a lie with a man that doesn’t respect or truly love you. Like I said, men are lazy and they would rather watch porn and have affairs then ask you for a divorce or break up. Be aware ladies, protect yourself, start a private bank account for yourself and get a storage unit and be the superior females we are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):

My husband and I have been up all night arguing over porn. It really is a shot to a persons ego. At times it seems he would rather do porn than me. We watch it together sometime but recently I've caught him watching it alone ALOT. I feel so ugly and feel like my body is nasty. I think the reason they watch these all the time is because THEY are MEN. We are supposed to talk this evening when he gets in from work. :(

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A female reader, roserosie United States +, writes (2 October 2010):

I have a problem with it. Dont care if he does it the problem is he denies me sex but i know the same day he denies me he has stroked it. PISSES me off and makes me not want to be with him anymore. Wake uo in the middle of the night to find him doing that... and him knowing he could wake me up ugg. bothers me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009):

only half of what realistic guy said is write. if your husband is choosing porn over you. If he doesn't have sex with you very often and gives all his sexual energy to porn. If he shows little affection and seems to wait eagerly for you to leave or go to bed, this is not acceptable. When you have sex is he constantly closing his eyes and going into fantasies, or is there a connection between you. Men all need a little porn and if he tries to have sex and you are not interested or if it's going to be a busy day it's an easy and good alternative. How every if he's neglecting you for it then no it's not okay. Oh and it's already been proven that people who jerk off to much ei. every day several times a day become jaded and no longer seem to want really intimacy. so careful if you fallow him down the rabbit hole. You don't have a right to ask him to stop. You do have a right to feel intimacy. If you want to join in that's fine if you don't that's fine to.

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A male reader, realistic guy United States +, writes (4 December 2009):

After reading this I'm absolutely amazed at the lack of an open mind most of you have!! To ruin your marriage over your guy masturbating!! What do you think he did before he met you? I never realized that women think of their husbands as their property! That's basically what your saying!! I don't remember during any part of my wedding saying that I will follow every rule my wife lays out for me!! This is not cheating!! My god do you know the alternative? Guys who are in a happy relationship masturbate as a for of stress relief! With out that we are not fun to be around! We become very irritable! This is one of the reasons most marriages don't last, the wife things the husband is her child and must listen to every rule. If your husband doesn't think masturbating is cheating who are you to say that he is wrong???? Marriage is all about compromise! Learn to be a part of that intimate time with him. Offer your help! Sure there are time when people are addicted but many men are not! No different than drinking socially! If you truly love your husband and want your marriage to last, i strongly suggest you open your mind! Your way is not always the only way to do things! Masturbation is one of the most intimate things guys do on their own. I love my wife very much and will always see her as the most beautiful woman in the world because it all boils down to more than just sex and appearance. She is the most attractive woman in the world to me because i love her! Because we take the time to learn about each others most intimate desires. There is a saying that we have all heard. "You learn something new every day". Well this is how you should treat your marriage! It doesn't matter if you have been married a year or 80 years. You can never stop taking the time to get to know your spouse better. After all marriage is not something that's done after you say i do. Its something you must work at every day! Dont give up! Think of the feelings you felt for your spouse as you looked into his or her eyes as the Minister said "repeat after me". For most that was the best day of your life! If you think of those feelings you had at that moment and how nothing and no one could ever come between you every morning you wake up, you will understand that the only thing that has come between you since that day is your own stubborn way of doing things! No marriage will ever be perfect! The best we can do treat our spouse with as much love and understanding as we did the day we said " I DO" I wish you all the best! Please give what i have written some thought and dig deep inside yourself! You may be amazed at the feelings that have been pushed away! Its never to late to say " I LOVE YOU" God Bless!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007):

You know some women don't like their men to do things like that it makes them feel like their not doing their job right in the bedroom,makes them feel like their not good enough,sexy enough,build the right way,not skinny enough... makes them feel that he wants something more and he's not getting it and he has to watch porn of sex shows on t.v. to get himself off.. WHY?? thats the question when their wife is in the other room and knows whats going on when he's not in bed with you and he has the t.v. turned down really low where you can't hear anything.... well myself i call it cheating where it's with his hand watching someone else on t.v. or where he is with someone else in human form..to me cheating is cheating nothing less.. i have had this done to me and i can't stand the thoughts of it... he lied to me for hours about it but when i showed him i had proof that he did then and only then did he admitt that he did.. and i told him exactly how i felt and i didn't feel good about it i personally cried for days,and even today if i get it on my mind i still cry cause it hurts.... MEN doesn't know how much they hurt their Wifes... We have feelings just like you do.. women have needs and wants just like a man does..women need release just like men does... but you know men don't look at it that way all they care about is theirselves and no one else as long as they can get theirselves off where it be with their wife or their hand from watching porn which i can't stand..... i told mine he had 1 more time to do something like that and i was gone and he could do what ever he wanted and then some...he told me that,that was the only time he had did something like that and it was stupid of him doing it... i told him why didn't you come to me and wake me up you didn't have to do it that way.. his answer i didn't want to bother you i wanted to let you sleep... well i told him next time it better be me he is waking up to get hisself off with and not his hand... so he has promised to do that... in which we have a great marriage and realtionship we have a great love life in that department we make love every chance we get where it be in the middle of night,early of the morning or when we first wake up or before going to sleep... he used to wake me up at all hours of the morning when he wanted to do it.. but that has stopped but since that morning he did what he did he knows not to do it again or i am gone and never to come back and he knows that.... so ladies step up let me know how you feel where he wants to hear it or not let me know anyways....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

I Think women are gonna keep asking themselves this question till the end of days and there will still be the one answer: Cos they are men! They are highly sexed creatures and i guess they do it for release more than anything else. Not all men masterbate for the wrong reasons most actually do it because of not being fulfilled because their wife is unwell, too tired, pregnant etc and instead of bothering or hurting her, they just deal with it alone. It doesnt bother me. The sneaking around and lying about it would be what would pi$$ me off, but not that he is doing it. Because thats a trust issue. I would like to think that my husband and i trust each other enough to be honest about everything. And we are. I know all about it and he knows about mine! lol The reason they see porn is because its the one thing that will help them do it, (they actually need to be LOOKING at something so they can do it!) I also appreciate/ understand that sometimes he doesnt want sex and everything it entails, he just wants to get to the point and 'come' that way and i just help him do it. Maybe its just that he's too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe he doesnt want to bother you. Maybe he was taking a quick shower and liked the way the shower gel felt! lol Dont take it personal. Its a physical thing more than it is emotional. Its actually a real turn on to watch them do it and vice versa. I sometimes do it when he is at work, and its not cos he doesnt satisfy me, but because i just felt horny there and then or i was just bored! lol. I think what hurts a woman more than anything else, is the lying and sneaking around. I think if more men were upfront and honest about it and shared it with their partner, like mine does (even the porn) and explaind why they did it, they really would be a lot happier than they are now! Not only will she respect you for your honesty, eventually she will see it as no big deal. This is all of course, assuming that your husband/bf is a good guy, loves you and doesnt choose it over you. Now this is one for the ladies and fellas to ponder about....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007):

You know my relationship was about the same as yours, only I'm the female and I masturbate every day while watching porn. My husband had a lot of problems dealing with it at first but for the last three years he's loved it and our sex life could never be better! One night my husband started kissing on me and wanted sex and I ask him if he wanted anything extra. He said the thing most guys said "threesome" so I ask him if he'd like to watch a porn with me. We watched porn for the next three days!!! We of course only watch it about once a week now. And now thats its ok with him its not so important to me. Also you might try acting like your the one who dont want sex maybe that would get him thinking more about you and not porn.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007):

I've been married for 5 years to a beautiful women, and yes I'm "addicted" to porn. Porn is an addiction and porn is cheating. It is a horrible addiction.

If you ask your husband to stop, he might because you asked him to, but he will still want to. Some men are addicted to alcohol, adrenaline, work, whatever, drugs, food, or porn. It's going to be something.

On a biological level, certain things release endorphines, chemicals in a man's brain, there are certain stimulus that cause more endorphines to be released. For me it's porn and lust. When I'm looking at porn, I can masturbate multiple times, with multiple release, it's totally lust driven. My lust is tapped to my endorphine release. So like a lab monkey given a drug at tapping a lever. I will keep hitting those keys to keep those good feelings to release in my mind.

I have never told my wife, but I'm been masturbating like an animal since I was young. If I'm not doing it, I want to, I need my fix, just like a druggie. When you look at porn, you have to constantly look at more and more porn, different porn, variety, and it gets more intense, the same porn will not do it for you. Ask you husbands if they look at the same pornsite, over and over, yes and no. They constantly look at more and more porn. So when women say they want to try spicing things up, for variety, it wont work, why? because you cant offer the same variety that the porn can offer. teens, asians, blacks, thin, skinny, young, old, fat, legs, feet, boobs, redheads, blondes, brunettes, tall, short, teens, maids, cheerleaders, schoolgirls, animals, anal, get the point? what can you the wife offer? well maybe some outfits, uh maybe some plastic surgery, boob job? No. you can not offer the one thing porn offers.... variety. Sad but true.

I eventually cheated on my wife. I never thought I would, but after all that fantasy and porn, i wanted to take it to the next level. When i was cheating it felt great, but you know what i noticed after i cummed. the exact same feelings as with porn. I felt dirty, and i just wanted to get out of there. Porn is cheating, it's all the same, cheating with another person is just like looking at porn, you just use the women, prostittue, whoever as just a sperm receptacle, and then you leave. After that experience I'm convinced that i need to stop looking at porn, because it's ruining my marriage. Nothing my wife can do can help to reach that level of lust with porn.

So it's been six months since i said i would stop looking at porn, and you know what? i cant quit. i feel so empty without looking at porn and masturbating. during the times i stopped looking (1-2 weeks) i had a memory full of porn that i would imagine as i masturbated.

i dont know what the solution is, i know i nneed to quit but it is an addiction. treat it as one. of course like any other addiction, your husband will deny it's an addiction, i love hearing men's justifications for porn.

i think each couple will have to deal with porn differently. i know for myself, even though i stop, i will want to look at porn or desire for lust for the rest of my life.

Good luck to us all

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007):

It's not cheating. even chatting is borderline, because he does not really know the person and will never see them.

Don't feel threatened by your husbands sexual fantasy's. Of all the things he could do, this is not the worst by a long shot. For one, yes he is tryign to hide it because he doesn't want and argument, but I am sure he also does not want to hurt you as well. Consider trying to join him in his experimentation. Buy a porn video and watch it together. Drop the attutide because you are making him feel more shameful about a natural instincy. You could really start enjoying this with him if you ease him into letting him know it is ok. Don't let your insecutiy defeat what could be a healthy mutual interest.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007):

Men are built that way. Spreading our seed is pre-programed in us on a biological level, and masterbating is a good alternitive to actualy going out and doing it.....don't you think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

I feel the same way cause my husband does the same thing. He'll deny it too and that hurts even more cause he's lying to me about it. If you ever get any answers to this please let me know. I don't know how much more I can take.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2007):

My husband is constantly jerking his thing around. The way I veiwed it for years was that, I was being wronged, I was uncomfortable with it, and loathed him for thinking that I did'nt know about it. The factrs are , it wouldn't bother any less if he was looking at the back of a cereal box, while he did it, it's the fact that, when you're co-habitating with someone you may get to know more about them than you ever did, you may get to see parts of them or experience aspects of them that are pretty miserable. I think all women, who's husbands aren't smart enough to masturbate in the shower are suffering from this same thing.

My husband woke up everyday, (before I did, or so he thought) and tried a new room to "get away with it" in. and each day he grew more frusterated at creeky floors and the inability to get away from me. I let him know how unsexy I found that, how turned off I was at the idea that he wasn't passionate enough about anything in his life that might be on his mind in the morning besides that. I haven't slept with him since. I don't need him anymore either.

I have used that same secretive behavior that he introduced into the relationship to hide my several affairs. He didn't realize that two could play that game, and that I would definately play it better. BUt if he hadn't made me so angry and disgusted I would have probably loved him for ever...isn't it ironic?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2007):

you said it... and when you the answer -- please share the wisdom. you are not alone!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007):

Men masturbate as a form of release. The sexual tension hits a man very hard and he needs to get rid of it. It is not a form of cheating, it is not a betrayal...it is as normal as going to the bathroom. I suggest that your problem with it is a sign of your lack of self confidence, or your anger at not being able to control every aspect of your husbands life. A man thinks about sex constantly, get over it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006):

this might be an odd view on this subject but honestly communication is key.. have you thought about opening your mind to new possiblities? maybe talking to him about it or asking him if you can join in too?

who knows you might be surprised and like it, women are lovely creatures full of beauty and sexual energy any woman if given the drive and knowledge can be an incredibly attractive, sexual being for anyone she wants to ( and no I'm not a lesbian ) =)

I personally would not be offended by this really in fact I would want to talk to my husband about what he wants sexually and also would try to be a part of what turns him on if he let's me and if not well I would just accidently on purpose let him catch me masturbating on my own and see how he likes that.. I can almost guarantee what the reaction would be..

this is only one view and to be honest I don't know how your marriage is or if there is lots of love and affection.. maybe the stagnation of everyday or in some cases every week , month marital sex needs a boost.. something different.. just one opinion out of many..

Good luck to all of you out there..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006):

My husband looks at porn too. He lied about it, and always has. On top of that over the past four years we have only had sex about 5 times. He alwsy pushes me away anf won't let me touch him. I am sad about this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006):

Maybe we're approaching this the wrong way as women. In reading these answers, it's obvious to me that nagging isn't going to do any good. So maybe we should just pack up and leave. Maybe that will get their attention. If they don't need us, then maybe we shouldn't need them. Sometimes this is what women have to do to get the point across. Unfortunately, men don't like needy,naggy women.In turn, women don't like men who don't pay attention to them. It's unfortunate that love has to be such a battle field, but if women play the game right, we can win. Good-luck. Remember, men like to chase. So start running--the other way!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2006):

you dont need that crap...it is cheating in my mind whats the diff if you look at other chicks adn masterbate or go have sex with other chicks.. nothing.. its still getting off on someone else other than the person you claim to love! im sure if you went running to antoehr guy jsut as friends and cried adn your friend held you while you cried ..he would accuse you of all kinds of things.. MEN are like that. they think what the do is cool .. its goes along with how males think its cool to screw around but if a female does it .. shes a slut..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006):

I have been looking into this. My husband and I have only been married 18mths. For the first 6mths sex was wild, but he had an internal defibrillator fitted (like a pace-maker) and sex stopped completely. At first he was telling me that he had completely lost his sex drive, and then I came to realise that he was constantly masterbating to internet porn. He says that such relief does not put him in fear of a heart attack because it is different to sex with a real woman and lacks the passion.

At first I believed that he was just afraid, but he works in a very physically demanding job with no apparent concerns for his health, and I now think that this was the ideal excuse for yet another internet porn addict; he is always looking at the sites and I feel that he cannot wait for me to go out or to go to bed in order to go on line.

I am very attractive and I believe a good and exciting lover, but it does shake one's confidence. Internet porn is fine if open and shared viewing, and if sex remains good in the relationship, but it is destructive in the absence of the real thing.

The most worrying comments which I have read on the subject (by medics)indicate that like all addictions, the habit is unlikely to be broken. The impact on the relationship is negative, and in nearly all cases the relationship breaks down.

'Pathetic' some of you may say, but it is equally difficult to change how one feels. Remember 'like it or lump it' seems to result in 'lose it!'

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006):

Well, this is interesting for me to read. I can see myself in your husband's shoes if i don't do anything about my recent habit of watching porn. I believe it becomes an addiction, a nasty one. I don't believe I am watching porn because my wife is not interesting. Actually I have talked about my habit to her and she said she feels much like you described you feel about your husband's habit. I don't think it has to do with my interest in my wife, but more in line with how I feel in general about myself. Perhaps it has to do with self esteem and how I view myself as a man...I am constructing my masculinity, and perhaps am looking for guiding principals such as naked pics of woman in order to define myself as a man. I don't know, there is something about men and porn...I don't feel good with my habit and fear this could go on into a downward spiral...it may seem become more important than anything else...I cannot bear the thought of that I feel I must help myself and wish to understand my motives further...this is what you could say to your husband...let him know you are by his side should he wish to change his naughty habits...of course no one can do it but himself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005):

females take bubble baths, men watch porn. leave us alone.

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A male reader, PsychicHigh +, writes (17 November 2005):

Yelling and screaming aren't any way to get your point across. Though raging arguments are bound to happen, this one isn't one of the issues to start world war III over.

Talk it through with him. Don't push him to answer you.

Another thing is that you didn't mention any of your children if they are boys or girls, or even if they are old enough to even have a hint that porn is sexually arousing.

Sorry to take the guy's side with this next bit...

When you say he can have you "any time" doesn't actually mean that. After a 8-10 hour day of hard work, you are too tired to even just lay there while he does what he can.

You may have to just show him that you can be sexually intresting as well. May not even be what you'd may want to do, but if you know for SURE he is, not just assuming that he is by there being porn on the computer, even try express intrest in the porn he is seeing. If it's something more extreme that what you two have practiced up to now he just may be trying to find his own boundries.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005):

I'm sorry but husbands masturbating to porn is not cheating. Neither is it perverted for god's sake!! Masturbation is a natural act - if it wasn't none of us would get the urge to do it.

What we seem to be lacking in this column is the male perspective. As a male who is in a very happy 5 year relationship, I can honestly tell you that when I masturbate it's not because I am not happy with the sexual side of out relationship. Our sex life is great but that doesn't mean I am in some way disatisfied if I go off and have a quick w**k in the bathroom when I'm alone. One of the things that makes men different from women is the fact that we can be very visually stimulated with no no emotional attachment to the object. I love and cherish my partner and want to be with them forever. When we make love I feel it's the closest I can be to them. That's emotional attachment. When I am masturbating to porn I have absolutely no emotional attachment to the person in the picture whatsoever. I am merely getting aroused by what I see and using that to quickly satisfy a sexual urge. The same goes for most men who masturbate to porn. Get over it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005):

I have also caught my husband masturbating using porn on the internet. He couldnt understand why I was so upset. He has difficulty in maintaining an erection during intercourse and I suffer from vaginal dryness but we find other ways of satisfying each other, although I have to say he ends up satisfied and I dont. I suffer from lack of self esteem and feel unsexy and unwanted. He assures me that he loves me and finds me sexy but I cannot understand why men need to do this when they have a loving and willing partner.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005):

I used to work for an internet billing company that did the billing for porn sites, I have heard every lie under the sun from husband not wanting to confess they were watching porn! It's a big step that a guy is actually saying he does watch it, but sneaking away to watch porn is basically saying: I'm virtually cheating on you. My advice to you is to buy Playgirl, to download pictures and films of hot GUYS on your own computer and to invest in sexy lingerie: put it on in front of him BEFORE you go out. Let him think you are doing the virtual or real cheating and let's see what happens...If he is proprietorial towards you, that means he still cares about fidelity, if he couldn't care less about you watching and enticing other men, than it's a sign that he wants to cheat himself. Good luck! And remember: it's far harder fo guys to get a girl than for girls to get a guy: you can walk into any bar and get someone who wants to sleep with you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005):

Hi:

My feelings on porn are like some other womans feelings. My husband also is a lover of porn and I happen to be a wife who doesnt like him being interested in it. I ask to join him in watching it and he doesnt want me to he says. I ask him if its ME, if Im doing something wrong he again says no. Him doing it makes me feel unpretty and unwanted..basically less of a person. I ask him for sex and he says he's not horny but the next day he'll look on the internet or get his labtop out and bring it in the bathroom and put a porn dvd in and jerk off..it all makes no sense to me. Im afraid he'll cheat on me or has the urge to but loves me to much so turns to that instead. Am I correct? I've tried talking to him about it and the difference from some of you woman is my husband doesnt deny it, he says he likes porn and has since he was a teenager and still likes it and asks why he should change. The fact that he doesnt deny makes me feel a little better but any suggestions on how I could get him to want to watch his porn w/me? and why he may not want to watch porn with his own wife? Thanks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005):

New studies are showing that men who use porn are less likely to have a satisfying sexual and/or emotional relationship with the "real" women in their lives. This is going to be a hard thing for many men to come to terms with. I think everyone should do their own research on this. There are a lot of studies from reputable sources available on the internet. I could provide many links, but I think it hits home harder when people find it on their own. Do a little searching.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005):

I think your husband is a little on the perverted side. You give it to him when he wants it and he wants to still look at whores. Its not your fault. You do everything right. It is him. He is one of those who can't stay out of the dark side even when it is good. I would dump him if you catch him again.

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A female reader, xixi +, writes (4 October 2005):

Men are the weaker sex, after all! men seem to need visual stimulation a lot more than women do. Hence the strip bars, lap dances, all kinds of internet porn, etc. It's a physical weakness. So don't take it personally. I agree with some of the others who suggested to participate in looking at the porn together, and maybe you will both get turned on, and then it could lead to more fun time with you. Looking at other women is a fantasy that most men share at some level. You could try experimenting with sexy outfits and surprise him with some new moves, to make it more interesting for him.

I have to admit, that even for myself, I sometimes have to visualize a fantasy while I'm having sex with my man, whom I love dearly, in order to reach orgasm. But the experts say that's normal.

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A female reader, karensue +, writes (30 September 2005):

I talked with my husband about the porn and masterbating. He downloaded it, but then didn't look at it. I know he is lying, but I didn't respond. He said he was bored and I was at work, so he masterbated. He can't say he won't do it anymore. It bothers me that he wouldn't want to do something with me than by his self, but I would just rather not know about it. I don't want to find it on my computer anymore. My father tried to get me and my sisters to look at porn with him, so that is more likely why I have a problem with it. I don't feel it is an insurity like someone has said. I just want my husband to only want to be with me and only want to look at me naked. Is there anything wrong with that? We have a great relationship and awesome sex? Why would he want anything else?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005):

I agree with others here. If a sexual component is missing in his life, it's only natural to find an outlet.

Why not look at porn with him and spice up your sex life? Find out what *really* turns him on and you may find him trying to find out what *really* turns you on. Have you forgotten what is was like the first time you were together?

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A reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (26 September 2005):

Ok, if you want to quote someone, quote them, i said "Its not cheating, stop being pathetic!" not " 'he's not cheating , stop being pathetic' "

Whos/What OP?

Anyway, i totally agree with what you said regarding its disrespectful and that, i didnt say her feelings where pathetic, i said her way of thinking was pathetic, there is a big difference.

You have taken this very personal so i guess you have been in this situation as you taken it very strongly, i dont mind another poster disagreeing but when it comes to flaming its out of order.

I'm a registered member of this site in the top 20 and i havn't been banned therefore my opinion must be welcomed, im not saying im correct all the time or that my opinion and help is ever of any great help: but i feel my opinion makes a different to some peoples lives and im giving up my time contributing to help people i dont even know and the reason why multiple people can reply to posted problems and issues is to get many peoples views, and i fully stick by them.

"Porn does make some womenfeel undesirable...it does make them question their attractivenesss. People are quick to imply she has an insecurity problem but I believe women who put up with this rubbish may have the insecurity problem...."

I see your point, but if having an obession with masturbating is wrong and classed as "cheating" then her kissing another man or women on the cheek has to be cheating as well!!

If i was offensive by saying the "stop being pathetic" then i apologise, i personally and from experience where i come from that help women get over insecurities and in this case it would half the problem.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005):

Hi, I really feel I have to respectfully and thoroughly disagree with many of the responses here.

If your husbands interest in porn upsets you it is only right that he discontinues this. (of course he would do this if he cared about you). Porn is disresepctful to all women regardless of how much men may like it.

This is becoming more and more of a serious problem in society especially with the net. For the poster who said 'he's not cheating , stop being pathetic' Sorry, but WHO are you to tell the OP that her FEELINGS are pathetic. Her feelingts are hers, she is entitled to them. Must agree when it was stated that this is his choice.....yes it is......and it is your choice Karensue as to whether you want porn to be a part of your life.......

For those who says that the OP should spice up the sex life of indulge him in his fantasys ....this is simply implying that somethingt is lacking in the relationshi or sex that causes this, yet it is contradicted when others say...this has nothing to do with you.

Porn does make some womenfeel undesirable...it does make them question their attractivenesss. People are quick to imply she has an insecurity problem but I believe women who put up with this rubbish may have the insecurity problem....Are you arfaid that if you demand he respects you by not using porn he will leave???? A strong woman knows she desreves more...Be a woman, remember you teach people how to treat you.......Some men may choose porn over us....so what...who wants a guy with intimacy issues who clearly doesnt care about our feelings anyway????

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005):

The male brain is responsive to and stimulated by visual imagery. Males frequently use visual images as an aid to masturbation. Many women get the idea that viewing porn will lead to infidelity or is cheating. Some people think just the opposite, that it fosters fidelity. The reality is, most men have some kind of interest in porn. However, his interest in porn should never take precedence over his interest in you or in any way come at the expense of your relationship. When it begins to substitute for a human relationship, that's when it's time to voice your concerns. And I do understand your concerns re: his interest in porn as a sign of your lack of desirability.

If you really want to have a good, real relationship with your husband, you could use his interest in porn images as a start off point for a talk about his sexual fantasies. When two people feel relaxed and comfortable enough with each other, they can conduct that kind of conversation. It's then they have a real intimacy. You might want to know what kinds of things he likes to look at and why because he might have sexual interests that could be satisfied in the relationship that you may be willing to do. It never hurts to spice up the sex life. Having this kind of open, loving conversation than one condemning him as sneaky, will build trust and more intimacy between you both. I recommend you try this before judging him too harshly.

It may be, your husband has interests that he feels he can't share openly with you. Don't you want to know? Don't you want an emotionally close relationship where you feel you can confide your thoughts and interests to each other without fear of condemnation? No one is saying you have to perform any acts/fantasies that he likes. But human sexual interest is extraordinarily diverse, and it's healthiest when it's openly discussed between two people who love each other.

Try opening the channels of communication with him and keep an open mind. Discuss issues of sexuality between you both and build the intimacy. You might find his habit of viewing porn, may lessen to to a drgree if he feels comfortable, talking to you about his sexual desires.

I wish you both luck and remember, keep an open mind and talk about SEX..who knows-it could be a lot of fun for you

and it will bring you both closer.

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A female reader, missdee +, writes (25 September 2005):

I have a friend that had the same problem as you do. She solved it by getting some spice in their sex life. Try some different things with him. Come on to him every chance you get. Buy some sexy lingerie, if he is showering join him.

I wouldn't consider it cheating. He isn't with another woman. He just isn't being totally satisfied so he has found another way to handle it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005):

I know exactly how you feel as my partner does exactly the same and I to felt unattractive but I have come to the conclusion that most men watch porn and look at it on the net, it doesnt mean he doesnt love or fancy you anymore, but if you are unhappy with it expain to him it upsets you and ask him to respect your feelings or as I did turn the tables and do to him as he does to you it worked with my partner he didnt like it 1 bit and as far as I know he dosent do it no more.

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A reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (25 September 2005):

This goes deep.

It seem you lack trust for him, he has a right to masturbate to porn same as you do!

I cant give you advice, because you dont mention if you two ever have sex or play sexually together, but if you dont then there is a problem, but if you do have sex then its just him being natural.

Its not cheating, stop being pathetic!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005):

if what your husband is doing is hurting your feelings then you need to let him know. If he continues then he obviously doesnt have any care for your feelings. If this anoys you then he needs to stop. In my opinion he must care or he wouldnt try to delete the files, but by the same token he is being very dishonest with you. Feeling rejected is a natural reaction. You need to get things straight with him.

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