A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 7 years now, met him in March 2014 when he was 36. No kids, we live an OK existence, not mega-rich but not in major financial struggles even with covid. A bit wealtheir than middle-class, but not living in a McMansion.I love my husband, and our relationship's biggest issues have usually been over silly things, not major issues, we're almost on the same page. Yes, we've had conflict, but never to the level of screaming/shouting/physical fights (well... apart from shouting over the car sat-nav being on the fritz, but that's beyond our control, it cost a bomb to repair, we sold that car in mid-2018... guess the rule is don't buy a Nissan that's cheap).Anyway... the big issue is my husband's ex, Nelson.My husband told me straight-up on our sixth date he'd dated this guy, Nelson, between March 2004 and December 2005, broke up with him in December 2005 because the relationship felt at a dead-end, nothing sinister, and Nelson got a new job anyway, plus my husband moved to NYC at the time.He said he didn't regret dating Nelson, but realized that he was only Nelson-sexual, not sexually attracted to other guys completely, he said his sexuality was mostly women, but that made him not completely straight, not completely gay; my reaction at the time was "What's happened happened, I guess people's views on experimentation are stereotype-driven and it seems society considers it OK for women to experiment, less so for men".Nelson had apparently found my husband via LinkedIn and his business website (my husband's a freelancer) and seems to want to rekindle the romance with him from 2004 having divorced his wife in 2018.My husband has told Nelson no repeatedly, all the times Nelson has approached him has been in supermarket car parks, he's driven across the state line from Ohio into Kentucky for this (not that far away).He's only seen Nelson six times since 2019, and COVID's stopped him as such from seeing him as often.Nelson was a good friend of my husband's before they dated.My husband told me he thinks Nelson has psychological issues and doesn't know whether to cut him from his life or not, as he said Nelson's not a bad guy, but he's no psycho either, and that he's always going to be in our lives in some way, since Cincinnati's only a 10-minute drive from us and we go there a lot anyway, Nelson sometimes works in a well-known restaurant we occasionally go to (to him, it's apparently a fallen-on-hard-times job).He's told me that he can't get back with Nelson, but wants me to help him by being a matchmaker, he told me, "You found my sister Sally her perfect match with her girlfriend Jana, and my friend Jack his girlfriend Allison, who works at that auto dealership, would you help a guy when he's down?".Granted, I'd done that with Sally in 2015 at Christmas, introducing her to my longtime friend Jana, and as for Jack, I, you somehow managed that, but is what he's asking a good/bad thing?As it is, he's done favors for me (not talking sexual favors for me), he spent a substantial sum on yard work for me redesigning the back yard (knowing how much we enjoy it) while I was away working in Connecticut for three weeks in 2019 and we had to Skype, and also booked a favorite Italian restaurant in LA as a surprise for me in 2017 with his sister Sally (who'd came on the vacation... it was a foursome of me, my husband, Sally and Jana, a third anniversary vacay), and he is a generous man, a great guy.My husband told me he's conflicted about how to deal with Nelson without upsetting both of us.Admittedly, what's the best way to deal with the situation since I know about it in full?I love my husband and want the best for him.
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anniversary, broke up, cheap, christmas, divorce, his ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (14 June 2021):
 I think it would be totally wrong to keep him in your life and play matchmaker for him.
Would you play matchmaker if it was a woman which was the ex?. I think not, as a female ex still in your lives would be wrong, so really it should not be different just because the ex is a guy.
Maybe your husband wants him around because he still harbours feelings for him.
Anyway, if your want a healthy future with your husband, then i think that Nelson should be abolished from your lives.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2021):
 Even though I think this post is 100% fake - probably written by one of the prolific fiction writers here on DC - I will try and answer it anyways.
Why have you not put your foot down?
What reason does your husband really have to keep this ex in his life?
Sorry, SCREW upsetting the ex!
Tell your husband that the ex can find himself a partner, you don't know anyone who would be a good fit, and that you really don't think EITHER of you NEED to keep him around (the ex that is). He isn't a friend. He is sniffing around in hopes of rekindling something with your husband and your husband is playing "dumb".
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 June 2021):
 "My husband told me he's conflicted about how to deal with Nelson without upsetting both of us."
What the hell? YOU are his wife. YOU should be his first priority. YOU should be his No 1 concern.
Also, just because he has "done favours" for you does not obligate you to fixing up an ex of his, who he admits has "psychological issues", with one of your friends. He is your husband. These are not "favours". These are part and parcel of supporting each other in married life.
Nobody can tell you what to do but what I can tell you is that, if I was in your situation, I would tell him the following:
- Your friends and family are your friends and family, not fodder for his friends, especially ones with "issues".
- If his ex refuses to respect your marriage and take no for an answer, he needs to cut him out of his life completely.
- Remind him you are his WIFE and his loyalty should lie 100% with you.
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