A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is appearing to be non supportive and loving after I had a baby. What kills me is that he is constantly acting like he is obsessed with every beautiful woman he comes across. I feel left out in the beautiful woman praise because he hardly tells me i am beautiful.Yesterday i walked out of the bathroom naked and he goes "all that diet look at you, you better go get a tummy tuck...the argument lasted a good 30 mins off and on. In between he called me fat. I told him he wasn't supportive of my efforts at all.I am no lazy woman. I began working out before 6wks postpartum. I've lost a lot of my baby weight. All that is needed is to get rid of the belly fat. He sees me dieting and exercising. How dare he criticize. We ended up squashing the argument before heading to church. He claimed he was joking. Then at night after dinner, he points at a picture of us on the refrigerator and tells me i look better now since i married him. He told me my arm was fat and i looked like a old lady. Once again he hurt me because that was our first couple picture where he was chasing me hard to marry him. I thought he loved my body but now I'm convinced he's craving something else. I'm losing confidence i don't know what to do anymore. He told me he hates long weave, i took it down and went short now rocking my natural hair in pony tail. He told me he disliked my church so we moved to another. I feel like I'm losing myself in my almost a year marriage to a selfish man.He moved to the states to me from UK. Lives in my house, has no job and forced me to buy an expensive car to upgrade my 2door coupe since we have a baby.I feel like I'm doing too much for someone who may be insecured himself and will never be satisfied.I'm fed up but don't want to give up. What advice do you have for me? Maybe I'm just super sensitive. Help me
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female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 Ok so it's good he's not an opportunist and he's great in lots of other aspects with your family. Some men can be quite sarcastic and talk to a woman the same way as they talk to their friends. The way he comments about other women to you does he think you're one of the guys? Before you had the baby were you quite playful with each other poking fun about stuff? It could also possibly be that his sense of humour is different as he is from a another country. Not that I'm condoning the things he said, they are really hurtful, but I get the feeling that he wasn't like this before you had the baby and he's had a sudden change in personality.You mention at the end that he may be insecure himself, insecure people can be quite mean and put others down to make themselves feel better. Is he a bit depressed because he can't work to provide for you, you are working, providing for the three of you, you own the car, you are a mother plus you look after yourself and work out. You sound like you have your life pretty well sorted. It's not like you have insecurities yourself as you are confident enough to walk around naked so soon after having a baby, I don't see you describing yourself in a negative way. You point out you are succeeding with the diet and exercise and you even say you are rocking your short hair! I know it sounds silly me mentioning that but maybe he sees that you have a bit more to offer than him and he wants to bring you down to the way he feels.Perhaps making you change churches and asking you to change your hair is a way of controlling something. He used to have a good job, was it better than yours? I know first hand men can feel a bit emasculated when they are unable to provide or be the bread winner.He points out to you from that photo on the fridge that you look better since being with him but then totally contradicts himself by saying you are fat. That doesn't make sense so he's just coming out with anything to make you feel insecure.Even though that may be the reason you still need to make him realise that he isn't being pleasant. You have to give him an ultimatum like another answer says, he has to realise that names are just as bad as any other form of abuse and if he doesn't listen he will realise that you were really good to him, he'll then be all alone trying to earn money for himself without your support. You aren't super sensitive, anybody would feel down about the things he said.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks he 8s definitely not an opportunist. He had a good job that was more flexible than mine hence the moving decision.
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female
reader, LJCX +, writes (8 March 2016):
I'm not sure if it's true he wants to be in the US because of better job opportunities, the unemployment rate in the US is quite similar to the UK. Although we love having a good moan about things the UK has a pretty good standard of living and when you aren't in work you don't have to worry about health care costs and benefits.So I don't think he sweet talked you just to get you pregnant or for the chance to be able to stay in the US. You never know I could be totally wrong! But it isn't like he's from a very disadvantaged country.But I do wonder why he would leave a job and uproot himself just to start all over again. Do you know much about his past before he moved? If he's behaving in such a bad way to you now it makes me wonder what he's done before and why he made the decision to move to a country you say he's never been to before.Since you had the baby he has turned in to this nasty insensitive jerk, being that harsh about the way you look isn't called for. I know you see questions from people who go on about the way their partners have let themselves go but you had his baby for god sake, it took 9 months for your body to grow so it won't just snap back like that. And you are exercising and being pro active about getting in to shape.I know it's hard to break up with the father of your child, I can't see whether you have a girl or boy but do you want his negativity around a child all the time. My little girls are like sponges, I used to complain about my weight in front of them all the time and they got fed up of it telling me not to be so sad. If little kids can figure out being down about your body is bad then a grown man should too!It's fantastic that you have the confidence to walk around the place naked in front of him, I hid myself away for a long time after giving birth and frustrated my partner. He should feel lucky he has a confident woman, don't let him grind you down. It's not shallow wanting to be told your attractive but it's very wearing being around such negative comments. You don't need that and neither will you child when they start to hear these things, would you want a little boy growing up thinking it's acceptable to be that way?He could be great in many other ways and help with the baby but hearing bad things about yourself will not do you as a person any good. He won't set a good example to his child either.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 I don't think this has to do with love, attraction and your looks. For some reason he wants to live in the USA and he latched on to you. Having a baby has nothing to do with love either. He's taking advantage of the fact that the baby needs a father so you are less likely to send him back to the UK. I believe people move because of better job opportunities overseas. To move when you don't have a job lined up needs a leap of faith, and a strong foundation of love. To move, to uproot his life based on how you look in pictures is some kind of fairy tale. A man does not become nasty just because a woman gained weight and lost skin tone. He's that way before he met you but he's able to mask it because you couldn't see each other much before.
He knows what he's doing. I don't think he cares how you feel at all.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 If it was my husband that kept telling me how beautiful these girls where I would be insecure as well. I really have no idea why he would want to make you feel like this. If he knows you are already insecure then he is making this worse. You should do the same to him, start telling him how gorgeous his single friends are, tell him to invite them around more, tell him how fit you think they are, see how it makes him feel. If he is not going to change then maybe you should try and show him out it feels. Pick out all his flaws and throw them in his face, see how it makes him feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has called me insecured if i talk to him. I let him compliment but it bothers me. It shouldn't if he atleast makes me feel good. He knows how i feel but he continues to do this like he is obsessed.I don't know what to do. It seems i care too much about him. He used to love me more but now I'm the one constantly thinking about us. I see him living a selfish life. Maybe because he has never been to the states and he doesn't want to be tied down but explore.I don't want to feel like this anymore so that's why i want to try to cut feelings. Maybe get busy with more work and my baby. Maybe he's taking advantage of the fact that i show i care too much. I really thought he was more matured than this. When all you roll with are single guys or married men that cheats how secured do youwant your wife to be?He sells cars and that brings a little income but not much. So he pretty much spends my money but he is no waster. I have no complaints.He sent me a pic of his friends wife who is pregnant and was going on and on about how beautiful she is during that conversation. So how come
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 March 2016):
Have you spoke to him about this and told him how this makes you feel? Sweetie he probably is not even aware how much this is hurting you. Sometimes people don't think before they speak and that can be hurtful. You need to talk to him about this. Next time he makes a compliment about another woman, shoot it down, tell him it is knocking your confidence because he never compliments you. Your husband should make you feel good about yourself not the other way around.
Its good that you trust him not to cheat, but you say you worry when he is out? What is it that you are worried about? Deep down do you think he could cheat? If he is not earning money then where is he getting money to go out with friends anyway?
The only thing that you can do is talk to him about this. Be honest. You say you want to let your feelings for him go, so does this mean you want to be separated? Or is it you want to be married to someone you don't love so you have the security?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe moved to the states keft his job to be with me. So until he gets his work permit, he can't work. I've been footing the bills for everything. I don't mind because i know he is not lazy. He helps with the baby while i work twice a week and telewirk rest of the week.He constantly compliment beautiful women and stares too. It's almost like he's missing something in me that he likes outside. I don't believe he has cheated or wants to. I just believe this is old habit that's going to take some time to rid off. I am not his guy pal why does he flaunt beautiful women in my face but fails to even compliment his wife? I even hear him on the phone talking to his boys about women. Is this normal? He doesn'thave any responsible friends that i can vouche for do when he's out I'm in constant worry. My self esteeem is deteriorating. I feel I'm not enough anymore.I just want to let my feelings for him go so i stop caring too much about what he does, think or says.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This sounds hard but you need to cut him an ultimatum. Tell him he needs to start treating you better or your marriage is done. How can you spend the rest of your life with a husband who continual hurts you like that? Especially something so natural in life like a women's baby weight. Imagine what other difficult situations that you may go through in life? How do you expect him to support you in those times if he is not supporting you in weight loss. Its not healthy and you need to be healthy for you baby. Your still young and shouldn't waste you life in and psychologically abusive relationship. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 March 2016):
Why did you marry this man? Okay so him calling you fat is unacceptable. You need to be able to be honest with him and tell him that his comments is effecting your confidence. You shouldn't have moved church if you did not want to. He is your husband, he should be equal to you not superior. Can I ask how did he force you to buy a new car? Did he threatening you? Are you scared off him? I could see why a two door car is not suitable with a baby, but forcing someone to do something is not love. It is controlling. Why does he not work? Does he stay at home looking after the baby? Does he look for work?
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