A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I cant stand my husband. I know I am lucky cause he is not a drunk or he doesnt cheat or abuse, but the problem is that we fight all the time, even more over such silly stuff or the silliest of silliest stuff. It has come to that point that I cant just stand it any more.I am scared of talking to him or even expressing anything to him,cause I dont know when he is gonna explode. It has to come to that point that I dont tell him anything anymore or share my feelings.It always comes down to me to make up the fight or we just wont talk for 4-5 days unless I swallow my pride and go to him. Sometimes I just feel like running away from it all and I feel so suffocated and so angry. He brings out the worst in me and I get so angry with him all the time. Most of the days,when we have a fight, he will just storm off out of the house, leaving me in this dreaded apartment,weeping until he comes back and goes about in stony silence until I tell him sorry and if i dont, we wont talk to each other for days and everytime I fight, I feel so wretched and so angry, and tired and depressed and so helpless.I just dont know what to do anymore
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Why do you put up with this nonsense? He pushes your buttons and you his. How and why did you even marry this man? Get the hell out of this mess. Get out of there now. What a sad story. You have my sympathies.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can hear your pain and anguish through what you write.
However, what your post is really missing is what you are arguing about. If it is just pointless bickering, I think you need to understand what is behind it. Are you trying to one up one another or are their festering problems that never get resolved? Is your husband unwilling to compromise or does he verbally browbeat you into submission? Are the two of your working on communicating or do both of you feel that you can't get your point across? I hope you take a moment to see things through his eyes and at least try to think where he is coming from...
From the sounds of it, the source of the problem is in the details. I hope you take a moment and really reflect to yourself about what you are arguing about and whether this has been a thread throughout your relationship or something new. Sometimes two people just don't get along and other times a chasm builds up over time that needs to be mended. Hopefully you can address it before it becomes unmendable.
I also would encourage you to potentially seek outside help: a therapist or clergy member -- either for yourself or the two of you. Having someone with professional experience can make a world of difference. They should be able to give you the tools to better communicate with one another or whether the two of you lack the ability to deal with each other's problems and issues.
Finally, you may also want to have a heart to heart with your husband. My guess is that he is feeling just as angry and upset as you are. If you are having problems verbally conveying this, you may want to express it in writing. Leaving him a letter expressing your pain and frustration -- without blame or incrimination -- can be the first step in bringing up the big problem: you aren't getting along and what can WE do to fix it.
Ultimately, this could be the make or break situation for your marriage. I urge you take some sort of action to getting back to "happy".
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive. he may not physically hit you, but usually emotional abuse is just as bad or even more damaging to someone's psychological health over the long term. And in a marriage unfortunately you can't really escape it (unless you separate or divorce) which is why it's even worse when it's your spouse rather than say a friend who is emotionally abusive.
don't consider your self 'lucky' just because he doesn't get drunk or cheat on you. (although, with the way he treats you, I wouldn't be so sure that in the future he may not do these other things too)
however you also need to take a long hard look at your own behavior and ask yourself if you are starting the fights or if you are triggering him too? Are you also being emotionally abusive? why does he "explode" at you? Does he perceive that you are triggering him or doing something to him first? is he doing all this because he feels he needs to defend himself against you?
try to talk to him when he is calm, when there isn't a fight. ask him if there is something about YOU that really upsets him and makes him storm out the house. Unless and until you understand his perspective (even if you disagree with it, but at least you understand it) you won't get anywhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): You need to take actions, you really need to talk to him, let him know how you feel.
You are married and probably you want a family, how do you picture your life in this current situation in the future . Do not wait and say nothing until you have kids and then you ask for a divorce.
How long have you guys been actually married? Did you live together before you got married?
Actually there is nothing wrong when couples have every once in a while fight but if you fight all the time, this is a red flag. Communication is very important in any relationship. Silence will not resolve the issue. You husband will think you are ok, he can't read minds and know that you are hurting. You should not be the one to apologize every time you guys have a fight, unless it was you who did something wrong or if you stepped on his feet!! Say sorry only when you mean it and when you do something wrong. Hope this helps. All the best and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 June 2013):
Hi there. How long have you been married?
Has it always been like this, since you were first married?
And are there any children?
And how was your relationship before you got married?
Were you happy, and did you genuinely enjoy each other's company?
When you say that he gets angry over the silliest of things - and no doubt these things are unworthy of argument - well then perhaps there is something else going on here.
Don't worry, nothing bad.
What could be behind these angry outbursts of his, could be something as simple as he could be feeling that you don't listen to him.
And what I mean by that, is perhaps when he talks, you might interrupt him and say what you want to say, and might not let him finish.
It's just an idea, that's all.
Or, maybe it could be something like he doesn't feel that he gets much of a say in what goes on in your marriage, decisions about this or that.
I am talking about decisions on things that affect you both as a couple.
Like, decisions about your apartment and the decorating of it, or something to do with the payment of bills, etc.
Things like that.
Or underlying money worries perhaps.
And maybe it could be money worries he might be having.
He doesn't gamble does he? That you know of?
Or maybe he has grave concerns for the security of his job.
Or if no problems there, he might not enjoy his job, and is wondering whether to leave or not, and risk being out of work completely.
Or maybe, he has some personal health concerns that he is keeping from you, so you don't worry.
As you can see, all I can do here, is guess at the possibilities of what could be behind his emotional angry outbursts.
Perhaps there is someone very ill in his family, that he is worried about and just keeping it to himself.
The most frustrating thing, is that a lot of men don't like to share what is on their mind, because they see it as a sign of weakness of character, and so they believe they should handle it all on their own.
Another thing I forgot to ask you, was if you can think about what the things are that you mostly fight about, well then that might give you a clue on what is going on in his mind, that causes him to explode the way he does.
Even though you say they are the silliest things, they might be the same things all the time, that you find he constantly gets upset over.
If you can think about this, it might help the situation a lot and help you reach some kind of resolution.
What I am saying, is that you might find the real cause, and home in on exactly what the problem is.
Sometimes, you might find it is something like there being a lot of clutter in your living space that bothers him, and he might mention it sometimes, when something is not done or he can't find something when he wants it.
And varying amounts of clutter in your living space, can make it seem even smaller and like it is closing in on you, if you know what I mean.
Keeping in mind here, that you are living in the limited space of an apartment, which is probably the size of about half or a quarter of a regular house size.
And this can be quite restrictive, as there are probably either only one or two bedrooms, and another one or two rooms as well as that.
And so you may have a lot more stuff than what you can properly store out of sight.
It is just a thought, that's all.
And another idea, is that you may both be getting into a rut and maybe you don't go out together very much now, like you used to do earlier on.
A few thoughts for you anyway.
If you can give me some more information, I can help you even further.
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