A
female
age
36-40,
*bh29
writes:SO, in need of some advice- my husband, who've I've been for 6 years and have a son with, has slept with my best friend. After a long night of partying she stayed over at our house. My husband, who was totally drunk, decided to go into her bedroom after I denied his sexual requests on an account of him being distgustingly intoxicated. Somehow, of course nobody "remembers" details, the two ended up having sex. She is going through her own divorce and not doing so great, but never in a million years would I have thought she would do such a thing! But in her own guilt called me right away in the morning when she left and said "I think I had sex with J last night". OMG! There was my husband sleeping beside me and I was hearing this on the phone. I feel nothing but shocked, completely numb inside. I don't know what to say to either of them. And while I knew my husband and I haven't been having the most sex lately, I didn't know it was this bad. He has apologized 10 times over, admits to being wrong, promises to never let this happen again and appears to be in complete shock himself. Never has this happened before and when sober, is a real standup guy. He is loving, caring, just awesome. I just don't know what to think. Should I just accept the fact this was a drunken mistake? Will time heal this or should I just try and move on?? I've thought of marriage councelling, but what more is there to say when I didn't even really know we had such a problem? Anyone ever gone through anything like this before????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): tit for tat and then you are even:why dont you have sex with his best friend. blame it on the alcohol and say sorry. then you guys are even.seems like you have already forgiven both of them. what happens next time he has sex with your so called best friend. blame it on the alcohol again?you have now given them carte blanch to cheat - basically you have given your approval, you just do not know it yet.i am going to make a very bold statement, but in all honesty some aunts will agree with me:becareful of newly divorced women. they somehow leach on to their friends hbs/partners. i have come across many so caleed bf, newly divorced who just want to have fun, not bothering about the path of destruction they leave. (this is a generalisation but it does happen)read what you wrote here:"..My husband, who was totally drunk, decided to go into her bedroom after I denied his sexual requests on an account of him being distgustingly intoxicated...' this should tell you that your hb went looking for p@ssy when you said no. And being the friend she is , she made certain she was available for the sex.after having sex with her, he crept back into your bedroom.can you see how the events turned out????he was NOT so intoxicated that he did not know what he was doing. he knew. she knew. and they did not care.there is another thread regaring a hb who is leaving his wife after 20 years marriage for her best friend. I think you need to read this and come to terms with what you may be facing soon.do you still continue being friends with your so called friend? if you do t means that you are saying: its ok, never mind you betrayed me, never mind you defiled my home, you are still welcome. in essence, you know the outcome.dont be fooled into thinking that your hb, just bec "...is a real standup guy. He is loving, caring, just awesome...." , that he cannot cheat on you. you need to be observant and not so trusting. it hink you learnt a valuable lesson, having friends stay over. next time, everyone goes home, including any close friend. analyse the situation, see the gaps. and then decide whether your hb did this unknowingly or whther he still had his faculties about after you rejected him, he went looking for sex.unfortunately your so called bf needs to also learn not to betray people dear to her. how do u ever trust them together in a room again. can they be trusted alone again. will your hb go back to her for more. if he disapperas for a time, you will be going out of your mind thinking that he may have gone to her.i really feel for you but i think you are being taken for a fool here. you need to now be wise and eleminate the threat in your marriage.Anon female, 13 Dec says it aptly:"...Let them both have it. Scream and yell. Be sad. But become strong and get your power back. Good husbands never cheat. You have just realised, sadly, that you don't have the husband you thought you had. Or the best friend either!.....' her words are golden.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I feel quite sad for you. What a terrible thing. When you remove all the excuses and details from your story, all that is left is 'My husband and best friend had sex'. If that was me I would be shattered. I'm sure you are. Both of them have betrayed you through their actions.
I would kick both of them out of your life. You need some space to think about this, and they need understand that there may be no coming back from this.
Let them both have it. Scream and yell. Be sad. But become strong and get your power back. Good husbands never cheat. You have just realised, sadly, that you don't have the husband you thought you had. Or the best friend either!
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A
female
reader, sbh29 +, writes (12 December 2010):
sbh29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone, I really do appreciate all your thoughts. I think it will be best to take some space and councelling to figure this out. I need time to wrap my head around this. Again, thanks so much!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): He's got a problem, and needs to deal with it.
"when sober, is a real standup guy"
But, by clear example, when not sober he isn't a "standup guy".
Have him take this test, and make sure he is honest.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
I'd disagree with the following statement:
"you don't just fall into sex. It's a carefully orchestrated event"
NOT WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK IT ISN'T.
Keep in mind, alcohol is a DRUG and it alters impulse control, reality, and perceptions of right and wrong. If you want to open your eyes to what it can do to a person, go to a few AA meetings.
I'd only stay with him if he agreed to NEVER drink again, nothing, not even a sip. You shouldn't even have alcohol in the house at this point.
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A
male
reader, meestal  +, writes (12 December 2010):
I don't think you should break up. You should be alert from now on, though: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!". If you live together for another 20 years, and nothing like this ever happens again, you will look back upon it as an incident that you managed to overcome together.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 People do really stupid stuff when they are drunk. If you are looking for a reason to get out of your relationship then this would be a great reason, everyone would understand, if not and you want to keep the relationship going then you could be a grown up, accept his apology and focus on neither of you drinking so much in the future. If he was that drunk then you can be sure that it was really bad sex and neither of them want to go there again. If he is a bright boy he'll do more than his share of the washing up for a while.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 Four years of tending bar at a nightclub has taught me one thing about drunks.
It's an influence... not an excuse.
If you choose to get that drunk, then you are responsible for your actions whilst being drunk, as impulsive, instinctive or irrational as your behavior may be.
Whether you choose to forgive or not is entirely up to you, but if you do choose to forgive, this should not be something that you simply sweep under the rug as a drunken mistake...
Marriage counseling should be on the calender ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): No, NO, No..not in any stretch of imagination should you tolerate such a pathetic excuse, or utterly inexcusable behaviour from EITHER of them.
CERBERUS as ever is completely on spec. I just want to add to his eloquent, insightful posting " Go and TELL your HUSBAND to MOVE OUT completely UNTIL or IF you feel, or want to continue in a marriage with such a man" And that goes for the so-called friend too.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through this!
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (12 December 2010):
As hurtful and incredibly stupid as your husband was for allowing this to happen, I wouldn't be so quick to view your marriage to him as over. Men are horndogs, and I could see how a guy who is drunk off his ass can end up the way your husband did. So long as your hubby is not emotionally connected to your so called "friend", then I think you can weather this storm. Your husband sounds embarrassed and contrite for what he did. Nonetheless, the both of you have some very serious work ahead of you. Firstly, your husband should stop drinking. Any guy who's wife turns him out of bed for being "disgustingly drunk", and then ends up bonking his wife's best friend obviously needs to step away from the bottle and get help. Secondly, the two of you need to get counseling to help you sort through the issues that are impacting your marriage. You may not have realized the state of your marriage ~ not uncommon, particularly when it's so easy to fall into the trap of letting it go to auto-pilot. But, now you know the two of you have issues. Give it a go. Don't let this speed-bump between your hubby and "friend" toss your life (and your young son's) into the abyss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): You should cut all contact from your 'friend' being drunk is not an excuse. Your husband? well that is up too you but your friend no not forgive EVER.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): "Should I just accept the fact this was a drunken mistake?"
No you shouldn't, If a person killed your son while driving under the influence? Would you accept that was a drunken mistake?
You could say that's far more serious circumstances and it definitely is. But you would not accept anyone harming your son ever, are there circumstances where you would accept cheating? Do you understand what I mean? Before this incident would you ever have accepted cheating in any form? I don't think you would, well then as my above example shows being drunk is not an excuse for anything.
Drink driving is definitely a mistake, no one intends to get into that car and kill someone, but the consequences of that act are unforgivable. To me cheating is the same.
"I haven't been having the most sex lately, I didn't know it was this bad" This is not why it happened. I think you're trying to explain an act that can't be excused. Lack of sex and alcohol are the most stupid excuses I've ever heard in my life.
You say he was disgustingly drunk, well he wasn't too drunk to whip his dick out and bone your friend. He wasn't too drunk to decide to walk into that room and crawl into the bed beside her. She wasn't too drunk to let him, or to cradle him and take him inside her. Then crawl back into bed with you, covered in her scent having completely destroyed your faith and trust in them both. Because that's what happened.
The two people who you are supposed to trust more in the world, the two people are never supposed to let you down, completely betray you.
I think you should ask him to go stay somewhere else for a few days or a week while you decide what to do next.
From here on in whatever you decide is going to have consequences for you and your child for the rest of your lives. Perhaps you could go stay with your parents for a few days. But I would stay out of contact with them for a few days, talk to family and friends about what happened clear your head without interference from either of them and decide what's best in those few days.
Frankly I don't know how you can even look at either of them at the moment it must make you sick to the stomach. Go take a break and clear your head. Give yourself as much time as you need to come to a conclusion. If you want to fight to protect your relationship then you have to make a few choices, you have to create conditions.
Remember it is up to them to win back your trust if that is indeed what you decide to do. Just make sure you don't make any decisions yet, while you're this confused, sad and maybe even a bit bitter. Talk to friend and family and look to them for advice and comfort.
Remember though alcohol is not to blame, it never is, we do stupid things when we're drunk but this isn't a case of knocking a glass off a table, you don't just fall into sex. It's a carefully orchestrated event, there are lost of steps that need to be taken for it to happen, it was definitely not an accident.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 December 2010):
 You have been together for 6 years and you have a son. Plus your husband's other problem is trouble recognising when enough alcohol is enough. Alcohol lowers inibitions, with nasty results, as evidenced by your husband's actions with your best friend. Plus your sex life has been in the doldrums recently. And your best friend could have raised the alarm and stopped him. How could you ignore that a man had entered your bed?
It's a tall order to try to solve all of the
above on your own. However it could be solvable and it would be a shame to throw it all away without trying to work
things out. As far as your best friend, i think the pain to you is too raw at the moment, even if she did not initiate the sex. So i would suggest a 6 month rest from your best friend, to allow you and your husband to try to sort out your marriage challenges, and while you do it your husband should agree not to over inbibe. Your son will probably thank you in years to come if you can work together and get counselling to save this marriage. You'll never know if you never try.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 No matter how drunk they both were the done an awful thing to you and you cant just let this go. Your friends head is probably all over the place with her divorce at the moment and at least she done the honest thing by telling you the truth this shows that she cares what she done to you.
As for your husband even though you werent having the best of a physical relationship it still doesnt excuse him sleeping with your best friend, it is wrong on so many levels and he cant just blame drink for this.
You need to sit down and tell him how you feel, and he needs to be open and honest with you about how he feels as well. Do you feel that you want to give the marriage a go? If so then tell him he needs to work hard on earning your trust back again and he needs to stop drinking if he wants this marriage to work. If drink leads him to do such an awful thing then its time he came of it. If he is willing to come of alcohol and work hard on our marriage then through time hopefully your trust will come back.
goodluck.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 You've been with him for six years, has he got a drink problem? How many times have you not been with him when he's gone out for a drink and how can you be sure it's not a habit with him. He obviously can't be trusted with drink now can he? I wonder if you would have found out from him about it if your friend had not have rung you. Sounds like it's gueniune with her, but is it gueniune with him. One thing's for sure, if he was mine, drink would not pass his lips again unless i was by his side 24/7. But then again, are you going to forgive him?
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