A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We're the same age and I didn't know her before I moved in (I replaced another girl). I've been here since the New Year. There are two other guys here but they keep themselves to themselves.She's a student from China (I work), and though I have friends from China I find it hard to understand her sometimes. She doesn't have many friends at university and constantly complains about it to me even though I suggest that she does stuff like join societies (she keeps saying that she's lazy). She won't even make friends with the Chinese students in the house next door or join the Chinese society, whom she probably has much more in common than me, because they are from a different region of China and she says they "think differently". She is way more popular on social media than me (I deactivated my Facebook which she found weird), but then she never leaves the house much aside from going to class and sometimes she skips that too?I am not mean, I hung out with her in the house for Chinese New Year because she complained to me for ages and started fake crying for a few seconds about being alone. Then when I asked her she admitted she had been invited to a party that night.. she just didn't want to go out and would rather stay in with me. I can sense that she is annoyed by the fact I have my own friends and don't always invite her out because she went on for ages praising the girl whom I replaced for being really open and inviting her to that girl's own things. She also complained about the flatmate who has the biggest room never inviting us to hang out in there, surely that's his own business! Even when she did see her actual friends for New Year's Eve she complained to me that it sucked.I don't know if us getting on at the start has been a bad thing because she complains to me about how she doesn't really like a lot of people apart from me: our other two flatmates, the neighbours and even her boyfriend!! Obviously she may be saying stuff like that about me to other people which is another reason Im not interested in being close with her. I am not sure if it's because of her parents - she talks like she doesn't have a dad and she didn't go home to China for Christmas, she said it was because of money but then told me her mum was too strict and she hid a lot of stuff from her. And she says she's barely friends with her two siblings.The lease is ending in April and they renew the contract then, although me and the girl I replaced had an informal agreement that I would stay till July. Even when I talk about going away for the summer she makes faces. I keep telling her I am extremely busy but she texts me constantly over house hold things that aren't my problem like her deciding to make an extra copy of the key for the landlord. I find her really clingy and manipulative TBH, every time I do her a favour (TBF she does do some back) she's like "I love you".How do I get her to stop being so clingy and do her own thing more?? Sorry for the rant..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): If you are going to live with a roommate or in a commune situation; you have to learn tolerance and patience. If you are an only child, it is likely you don't have much practice or tolerance for living in a group-situation; because you aren't used to a variety of personalities all under one roof.
Trying to keep to yourself might help to some degree; but it doesn't really work over the long-term. Unless you live in a very spacious abode; you will cross paths and you will step on some toes. It's inevitable. Others will get into your business. Setting your boundaries will handle that.
I do suggest you exercise some patience, while setting your boundaries; but minimize rudeness and intolerance. You can't live under the same roof once you make enemies. You can't leave your valuables and keepsakes in a house full of strangers. Don't forget, these people are in the adjoining rooms where you sleep. Know who you're living with!
If you want total privacy, and minimal contact; you have to get your own apartment. You might get locked-out or lose your keys, she may be the only one home! She might decide to ignore your knocks and messages! That can work against you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice =) sorry I didn't realise there weren't email notifications so the late reply. Update: I have put my foot down more or just not replied to her texts and its working in that she doesn't text me any more. However, she's now become slightly passive aggressive. For example, if I'm Skyping my friend or watching Netflix and have a chuckle (I'm not loud too, and I live in the far end of the flat so sound doesn't carry well, but she can probably hear a bit) she will start laughing EXTREMELY loudly too for about half a minute like she's trying to prove a point (I know this sounds like a coincidence but she is always quiet in her room otherwise and this has happened about five times now, plus it's almost a screaming laugh that goes on for ages). And she's started slamming doors around the flat which is very annoying.@Wise-Owl - Yes, I tried diplomacy when I moved in, obviously being the "new girl" thats important. There wasn't much of a group dynamic anyway though, both the other guys keep themselves to themselves as well :/. Fortunately as written above she has stopped bothering me so much so that's a good tactic. I just wish she would stop slamming doors and being passive aggressive about me Skyping my friends.@chigirl - Thanks, I've ignored her texts a bit and she seems to have gotten the point more. I have tried getting out of the flat more but it's my space too and obviously I am paying for it. I do work part-time but I stay in and study sometimes too. She is in almost all the time (she often skips classes, and while me and the guys are off to class or work in the mornings, she lies in and will be getting up by the time I'm back around noon or even early afternoon).@maverick - Thanks, I am tempted to be more frank. However she seems very sensitive because of her moaning to me about everyone else (even the neighbours, and all they did was not hold the door for our block for her!) Not sure if that would backfire. As written above I have ignored her and she seems to have taken the hint in that she isnt texting me so much, but she does seem very jealous whenever she hears me having a fun time in my room, even if I'm just Skyping my friend??
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 February 2017):
Be as frank with her as you can. Next time she comes to you with her troubles, tell her what you're really thinking. You don't have to be rude about it.
For example:
"Look, I have absolutely no problem listening to people when they have something on their mind; but when I give you advice on how to do something about your problems, you don't take any of it. And that's fine, it's your choice, but it's getting tiring for me to hear about these negative things all the time. If you want to meet more people and make more friends, it's up to you to take the initiative or say yes to invitations. It means not staying here to hang out with me all the time, because I am moving out in a few months, plus I have work and other friends I also want to spend time with. You gotta do your own thing more, even if it's scary."
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Jist stop doing things with her. Say you are busy. Don't reply to texts. Don't tell her you find her clingy, who knows, she might grow on you. But just make sure you take a breather and get out of the house more, or stay in your own room more and lock the door.
If she asks, tell a white lie: you are busy studying, you are busy working, you are a private person, you are an introvert who needs a lot of alone time, you are busy watching Netflix and prefer your own company while doing so etc etc etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): Without being honest? There is no way to stop her from being clingy if that is her personality; but she doesn't have to cling to you. You politely let her know that you understand things are difficult for her, but you need your space.
There is a difference between being rude and being frank.
You let people know when they are crossing boundaries and you have a right to. Rude is just snapping at people. That usually happens when you let things go too far; then you end-up losing it. You're now reaching the last straw!
When she starts complaining, suggest that she take her concerns to the person that is bothering her; you really can't do anything about it, and don't wish to hear it.
Once you stop giving-in, she'll give-up. If she knows she can push herself on you, she'll do it. Simply telling her you need your space may hurt her feelings, or she'll turn on the tears; but you have to be honest and straight. That doesn't mean being nasty or mean; because you still have to live with her.
There will always be one person who gets on your nerves if you live in a group-house. The others avoid her, but you're just getting to know her. It takes time and adjustment, and your novelty will wear-off naturally. For now, you're the new girl.
You have to learn diplomacy and tact. Learn to set boundaries, and speak-up when they're crossed. Tell people how you feel, but be mature and polite. You only have to get tough when they don't listen or give you flack.
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