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My heart says to meet with her and discuss it, my head says run for the hills.

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 May 2010) 24 Answers - (Newest, 4 June 2010)
A male United States age , *tullfan1952 writes:

I have been dating a lady for about nine months, and we both agreed at the outset that this would be an exclusive relationship. I am just out of a marriage that lasted 26 years, and she has been divorced for 2 years after a marriage of 30 years. Everything was going fine, and I found myself falling hard for her. Well, just last week she announced that her ex-husband was coming to stay for a week at her house. (She had mentioned it in passing before). She said he would be living in an apartment downstairs. Of course I was unhappy with this, but she insists they are just friends, and that I am jealous and insecure. But they have been hanging out together, and playing golf, going to dinner, etc. She says he is here to discuss family business and that is all. But I can't help thinking there is more to it than that. They had seperated before, and reconciled. So you can see where my insecurity comes from. She says that whoever is in her life must accept her relationship with her ex. No discussion. I love her, but find this restriction to be unacceptible. I asked her if the three of us could go out to dinner while he was here so i could meet him, and put a face to the name, so to speak, but she sent me a curt message that she did not want this. We have planned to meet when he goes home to talk about this. She seems adamant that he will always be in her life and I should like it or lump it basically. My heart says to meet with her and discuss it, my head says run for the hills. What should I do? Thanks for any help.

View related questions: divorce, her ex, insecure, jealous

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (4 June 2010):

While your waiting another day! a year goes by then another one and bammmm u r hooked! you should have gotten out while the getting was good! and told her it was fun while it lasted see ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! were not being mean just being honest but i guess it's called live and learn and if you learn from this one you'll be more cautious w/ the next one.

GOOD LUCK!

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (4 June 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys for the suggestions. I am gonna try and enjoy this relationship for what it is...easier said than done, though! But I do think she is pulling the strings a little in the relationship. I am the one who tends to suggest we do stuff together. She mostly replies in the positive. She says she loves me, but it does feel a bit out of balance. She has convinced me that she is just friends with her ex. I do believe that. She says just care for her as she is, and not as I want her to be. Does make sense. I am trying to back off some.

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A female reader, sappygirl United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

sappygirl agony auntI think you are being too nice in thus situation.

You are not listening to your head and letting her have her way because

of the love you have for her. I think you should run for the hill to protect you heart. I don't want you to get hurt and I feel you are caving in way too

much into her demands.

1. It's great that she has a good relationship with her ex but

it is shady how she doesn't want to introduce you to him.

If everything was cool, mist people would want the ex to meet

their current love.

2. It feels like you will always come 2nd to her ex.

I don't know about you but in a relationship, you should come 1st. (right after kids of course..if there are any)

if you do want to continue this, I say tread cautiously. Seems like she has you around her lil finger, and for you to be posting on here it obviously

bother you and if she loved you, she would put your needs first...and not her ex. Good luck.

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (2 June 2010):

Yep! sounds like a fun roller coaster ride in the mean time she runs the show! has you up and down you wait for her next reply to know whats going on in the relationship! have you ever thought maybe why? she does'nt want u 2 meet her EX- maybe it's her not him...... urrrrr

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

Why play 2nd fiddle to anyone! sounds like shes keeping you on a string incase it don't work w/ him? who knows what ones mind thinks all i know is action speaks louder then words you don't need our opinion it's right infront of you sweetie. MOVE ON................

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I spent the weekend with her, and we had a good time. I am still not sure what this relationship is, or where it is going, but I have resolved myself to enjoying it while I can. I am trying to pull back some though. Easier said than done. :)

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (28 May 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am trying to take a step back, and not put too much pressure on her. The relationship has to be a different one than we had before. But this is hard.

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (27 May 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntGo, Jt, Go!

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (27 May 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks ya'll. I'll keep you posted on the soap opera that is my love life :)

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2010):

Midge agony auntGlad you seem to have it all worked out, even if it is just for the moment. As you say, enjoy it while it lasts!

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (27 May 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntYay! Hooray for Jt! Glad to hear you feel the duckies are all in a row in this. Hopefully, you'll consider checking in periodically and updating us on how things progress. I wish you the absolute best of luck going forward, yay for you!

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (26 May 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi all! I took dinner over to her house last night. She was a bit reluctant at first, because as I learned later she didn't know how I would be. But after looking and listening to all the advice, I came to the conclusion that I WAS overreacting to her relationship with her ex. She explained, satisfactorily also, her reasons why she didn't want me to me to meet her ex just yet. We had a good talk over dinner, and decided to continue with the relationship. I will have to pull back, though, and lower my expectations for the relationship. It may or may not last, but I need to enjoy it while it does last. And the make up sex was great :)

Thanks ya'll for your advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010):

RUN FOR THE HILLS

this woman is dictating the terms of the relationship.

she doesn't want you to meet her so called ex- WHY??

RUN, RUN , RUN

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (26 May 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntThe bail is probably less if he caught them together. Imagine if SHE had caught both guys together? Now there's a spin on this you didn't think of Q, you old codger.

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (26 May 2010):

Midge agony auntHowd you get on? Did you manage to speak to her?

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (25 May 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntThanks for the courtesy of the update, Jt. There's no harm in hearing what she has to say, but I urge you to make a solid point, based completely in rational logic: If what's-his-name *must* be included in your future,as she's already made clear then why not start now? What's the deal with her not wanting this to be one big happy dinner for three? What's-his-name must be included on her terms alone? Establish these most salient points, see what she says to them and if it's more of the same, I think you're only foolin' yourself. Good luck in this,keep us posted!

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (24 May 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She cancelled on us getting together, Monday. Says her ex is staying one more night, and she has to work late at her office, (which I believe by the way.) We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night and discuss things. My heart is aching right now with all this. I know I should run, but I am hooked. I will at least listen to what she has to say before I make a decision. Thanks.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010):

Run for the hills! This woman and her husband are getting back together. That's apparent.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010):

I gotta agree with the others here, there's definitely something going on, or there sure will be. Whether she admits it and tells you about it is another thing, but the signs are there my friend.

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A female reader, candigurl26 United States +, writes (22 May 2010):

run as fast as you can and don't look back. she still loves him. trust your gut instinct.

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A male reader, Jtullfan1952 United States +, writes (22 May 2010):

Jtullfan1952 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your prompt response to my question. I am going to talk to a preacher friend of mine this evening, and get his take on it. But I think I will have to see her on Monday to see where she is with all this. My gut says this relationship is over, though. I'll keep ya'll posted. Thanks again.

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (22 May 2010):

Midge agony auntYou know, I thought you were being a bit hasty until you mentioned that you had asked about meeting the ex, and that kinda started ringing alarm bells.

I have to admit that if it weren't for the fact that you had asked to meet him and she said no, I would say you were over-reacting. The fact that she doesn't want you to meet him, kinda tells me something else all together. If it were me, and I was over my ex although just friends, I wouldn't have an issue having him meet the man that could potentially be a step-dad to my kids in the future! My question is, why is she not wanting you to meet him?

I can think of a few reasons, but none to me are excuses for you not to meet. (1) Yeah, she is rekindling the relationship and doesn't want him to meet his competion....however, I really doubt this (2) The relationship is platonic, although she doesn't want her ex to meet her new man because she hopes that there is still something between them (3) She doesn't want her ex to meet you because she is scared that he may ruin it for her.

I think you need to get to the bottom of this by meeting up with her, and making sure you don't leave there until you have a plausable reason. And I mean plausable........none of this, its nothing to do with you business. If she doesn't want to come clean and tell you, I think you have your answer, and you need to walk away until you get hurt more.

Yes, the ex will always be in the picture because of the kids, but he doesn't need to BE THERE too! But I do feel that any man possibly going to be in the kids and her life in the future, he and the new man really should meet!

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (22 May 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntI fear I must be consistent and say the same to a man that I frequently say to women. If it's what your gut is telling you, LISTEN TO IT!

I'm sure you've heard of those couples who split and then meet up for sexual purposes due to established familiarity? Bingo.

She's already telling you that there's THREE in this relationship.

If it were all so platonic and they were "just friends" then what's the basis of "YOU MUST ACCEPT" blah blah blah but if it's her and him, you're excluded? What's that about?

Sounds to me like she's hedging her bets and doesn't plan on a relationship exclusive to you. I'd say it's all or none.

Don't try to embrace THREE of you in this from the get-go or you'll end up with it long term. You're start out as second string and are doomed to remain there til you're cut completely. Leave her to her "platonic" relationship with the ex and move on to a woman who'll put you first. That "just friends" line is RARELY accurate, anyway.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (22 May 2010):

janniepeg agony auntMaybe they had agreed that a domestic situation would not work out for them, but hanging out occasionally is fine. I would not agree with this arrangment. They can never be trully just friends. They shared a life and intimate moments together. She should be spending time with you. Otherwise it would be one sided. You are looking at her as a friend, lover, and a wife, while she is just using you to fill her emptiness, her otherwise perfect life. She can't have it both ways.

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