A
female
age
41-50,
*osac711
writes:My husband asked me to fulfill a fantasy for him. He wanted me to have sex with another man and video it for he and I to watch later. I am not as open minded as him and it took me a while to process the idea and agree to it. We did it this weekend with a man that is a friend of his. Things did not go well...the camera did not record for some reason and the only thing we have is audio and on top of that the we had some drinks with this man before it happened to calm nerves and relax and this man had a few too many which caused him to have problems finishing the job so to say. This caused the entire thing to take way more time than we had thought it would which made my husband mad. Because he was not in the room (he wanted to watch the video and not watch in person). So that made his imagination run wild and then when we figured out the video did not work it was even worse. This all happened Friday night and he has gone through several phases of anger. First with himself for ever asking me to do it, then with the man (his friend) not for doing it but basically pointing out all of the things he doesn't like about his friend and even as far as saying that he will never speak to him again but this last phase of anger has turned toward me and that's where he has left it. At this point he blames me for all of it and feels like I have disrespected him and made a fool of him to the point that he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me at all. Right now he sees this as something that is never going to be ok. He says he has lost all respect for me and doesn't feel the same way anymore. I do see my fault in parts of it... Like letting it go on so long when I realized this man was not going to be able to complete the task because of the alcohol... Before this experience I had only had sex with my former husband and my current husband... If I had a history of being "easy" or had been with a lot of men before or had given my husband any other reason to think so little of me I would understand him changing his opinion of me so completely so quick.... But that's not the case. I have always tried to be the best person I could be and treat people with kindness and respect and honestly even though I do not feel like I am the only one at fault here I do feel so horribly bad that my husband is hurting and upset because of me. I am his wife... I love him more than anything in this world and I am the one that is supposed to wipe his tears and hug him and tell him everything will be ok when something upsets him but I can't do that because without meaning to be... I am the one that caused the hurt. How do I try to fix this. How can I make him see that I never meant to hurt him?? How can we get past this?? I'm so lost and heartbroken that I have hurt the one person I care tee most about.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This is ridiculous. He wanted this whole thing, and now he is blaming YOU when it blew up in his face?!?
Its time for YOU to get angry at HIM, at least for his reaction to the whole thing.
I'm sure he didn't intend for everything to happen like this. He was probably expecting to feel one way about it but was surprised by his own reaction being different than he thought. That does not change the bottom line. He caused it all and he needs to deal with it, not blame you.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 July 2014):
Do not let him beat you up over this! Do NOT! This was HIS idea. HIS fantasy. And now he is blaming you because it did not go well. He wanted it, he needs to put on his big boy pants and get over it. He might've lost a friendship and a wife and it's his fault.
My feelings on this sort of thing is they should never ever be done with a friend, as so many things can go wrong. How carefully did you plan it out? How clear were you about boundaries? Sounds like there were many important steps missed. Did you two discuss what would happen if he got jealous?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2014):
 I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
I'm sorry your husband is reacting to his ideas this way and trying to place the blame on you.
YOU did nothing wrong... all you did was comply with HIS request.
His request was that.. HIS... it was what he wanted... that's why the statement "be careful what you wish for" is so true...
If it's possible I would suggest you take a break from the marriage.. perhaps a few days with a girlfriend... to let him cool down and think.
I would also strongly urge a counselor to help you two figure out how to navigate all his feelings.
He is probably more angry with himself than with you but he can't figure out how to express that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Frankly, your husband is an ass and yor heart should not bebroken it should befilled with contempt! My advice would be find a path to freedom from this creep. Now, I'm as kinky asthe next guy but what he had you do was way over the top. Get away from him ASAP. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This was obviously a very bad idea because 1) you had reservations about doing it and 2) usually when you make a wild sexual fantasy a reality it is a major let down- Fantasies are supposed remain remain just that.....a fantasy! Now, there's nothing wrong with incorporating a sexual fantasy during sex by talking about it and spice things up, but just don't make it happen.I know this couple that invited me into the bedroom in order to carry out the same fantasy of having the husband watch me and the wife have sex. Their marriage was never the same, because the wife and me were attracted to each other; we had a great chemistry together! He obviously realized this after she began suggesting that we do it more often, and we continued doing it for quite a while. He never really trusted her after our initial encounter and seeing that she actually enjoyed it.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Bad idea. He clearly has his imagination running wild about what happened in the room. What I don't get if your husband loves you, why would he want to share you with another man? Was this a sick idea of his to test you? He obviously hate the idea you had sex with another man and in his mind thinks low of you and as being unfaithful.
I am afraid this could spell the end of the marriage as its hard for a man to get over the fact that his wife had sex with his friend. Yes it was his idea and he blames you because you agreed.
I suggest time apart and maybe he will realise his error an may still want to be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): Your husband is sleazy! And you are out of your mind to go along with any of this. Just get a divorce!
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (22 July 2014):
First of all - it is NOT your fault; not in the way you think. Yes, you had a choice to very firmly say "no" to the idea, but you didn't because the man you love pestered you into fulfilling HIS (you see, not yours, HIS) fantasy.He (your husband) wanted this and, because you wanted to make him happy, you went along with it for his sake. It doesn't sound as though you got any enjoyment out of it (and, tbh, I actually hope you did because otherwise I can't imagine how ghastly it was to have this man you didn't desire pound away) and even if you did I don't think you should feel guilty.It isn't your job to be his mother; he is an adult and should be accountable for his decisions. Any tears he has about this are his to wipe away, and it actually sounds as though he ought to be the one comforting you.As the fantasist, it was (and is) his responsibility to check several things:1 That you did, in fact, fully consent to taking part (which you didn't, as it was just to please him)2 That his friend was in a fit state to carry out said fantasy (which he wasn't, as he was obviously drunk rather than tipsy)3 That the camera was in full working order 4 That you were, at all times, safe (how could he ensure this without being present?)5 (And I think I should have put this at the top of the list) That he was really ok with all of this before making you do it.He is, in short, punishing you for the fact that his fantasy wasn't actually all that great for him in reality. He feels jealous, and awful and disappointed but, rather than admit that he got it wrong, he is blaming everyone but himself.You sound like a really nice person (which is probably why you couldn't bring yourself to shove the drunk guy off you), and I feel that you are blaming yourself when you have EVERY right to be absolutely furious with your husband.This is nothing to do with being 'easy' (and what is wrong with enjoying your sexuality if it doesn't hurt anyone??) and everything with your husband breaching the trust you had in him. Not only did he put you in potential harm's way, but he is now refusing to take any responsibility for it happening in the first place.I am not advocating divorce (at least not yet) but I would suggest you have a talk with him, and see if he can bring himself to take the responsibility he actually has for this situation, and don't allow him to make you feel as though it is your fault. It isn't.You can probably tell from all this I am absolutely furious about this situation and you need to be furious too. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life taking shit about this when it should be him who has to work VERY VERY hard for your forgiveness.
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