A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 years old and almost 12 years married to a man I thought I could love when he was loving, but he has become manipulative, rude, crass, emotionally abusive to myself to his son and stepson. I basically married him because I was a single mom and he was such a good 'dad' to my baby and I wanted so much to have a 'family life' for my child... and myself. After almost 12 years of marriage and the birth of another beautiful gift from God, he is always putting all of us down, demanding this, demanding that - barking orders from the couch (he does work very hard AT WORK but when he comes home he wants silence and rest) and for a while I was working a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs trying to make ends meet and he still was making demands. If my oldest child disappoints him he calls him names, cusses at him, and a few times I have feared him losing his temper and getting physical. At that point I had contemplating and brought up divorce. We went to counseling for a while, but then he could never show up because he was working and it got to be a hassel really. Been unhappily married for much/most of this marriage. Never REALLY was completely in love with this man, he just seemed to be a good choice, and now that he isn't what I thought he was, is divorce the answer?? I am Christian and I know that divorce is a 'no - no' but am I and my children supposed to be miserable? Then my first-love, my only love, has recently come into the picture. We were engaged to be married out of highschool - dated for years. Things went south and I really haven't heard from him for years. Found out he still has feelings for me after all this time. He has tracked me down over the years, but never contacted me until the other day. He's kept tabs on me for 10 years and I never knew it- the hitch... he's married too. My heart and body say "H*** yes" but my God-fearing part is reminding me that I can't. I don't want to lose contact with my love again after all this time (I had tried to track him down too several times over the years with no luck) but I don't think I'm strong enough to keep it from getting out of control and sexual. I'm really in a pickle.
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at work, christian, divorce, emotionally abusive, engaged Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 Okay, I think you use men and relationships to solve your problems. You're married to this man because you were a single mom. And now that you're facing problems with him and don't know whether you should divorce, you're trying to get it on with your 'only' and 'first' love.
First of all, you have to look at the problem at hand. RIGHT NOW you can't get along with your husband - he's abusive and getting more and more so. Putting religion and your other love aside for a second, have you REALLY tried all the avenues to make your marriage work? Have you talked to friends who know of your situation more intimately? What do they have to say? Have you gone to a counselor (on your own) and your religious leader and discussed this issue with them? It is VITALLY important that you try to resolve this issue. Don't allow your first love to be a reason WHY you can finally leave your husband. The reasons for your failing or failed marriage has to be valid enough to stand on its own.
Assuming that you have exhausted ALL these possibilities, you can take a look at the websites below.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/
http://www.hoyweb.com/lh/divorcqu.htm
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnsdivorce/0,,nv56,00.html
http://www.divorcehelp.com/index.html
After you have done all your research and your soul-searching, approach your husband about it. Don't get all emotional one night and then regurgitate your feelings onto him, cuz then ALL hell breaks loose. You've been with him for 12 years, what's another 6 months after all.
As for your high-school love, I think memories ALWAYS feel sweeter when your life's a pile of sour grapes at the moment. I don't know why your relationship went south, but there has to be a reason for it. Hey, maybe you guys were always meant to be, I don't know, but you can't use him as a safe escape route or an exit. He IS married after all, and you don't know for sure whether your feelings for him are real. Why do you want to complicate your life even more?
Take your life ONE problem at a time. You're a fully-grown woman, be strong.
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