A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and i have been together for 8 months and we both are in love and have talked about a future. we both talked about pasts as well and got on the subject of sex. i was disgusted when she told me on how many people she slept with and she told me some sexual stuff she has done with men which i cant get out my head. I want to make this work and i want to be with her but it is affecting the relationship. I trust her 100 percent as she is totally honest with me and i am with her. The other thing is one of her ex's goes to the same uni as her and she may bump into him on a night out but she tells me everything he has said even when he said something sexual to her. I'm not comfortable about her being around him at all. I dont want this to destroy my relationship and I'm sick of these mental images in my head about him with her and what they did in the past. can anyone help me?
View related questions:
her ex, sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): "... she tells me everything he has said even when he said something sexual to her."
If she loved you, she wouldn't share this with you, because she wouldn't want to hurt you. She tells you this stuff to hurt you, to mess with you; she's playing with you man.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Look, you will get lot of flack over this for variety of reasons: that everyone has a past, that you are not to judge, that you have double standards on gender ... etc. None of that addresses the fact of the matter which is that you have disgust for the deed of another. She did the deeds, you have disgust.
People have a right to find certain sexual deeds unacceptable just the way each and every one of us has a list of sexual things they will never do and expect others never to be done. In spite of the flack you may get, trust me, you are not a bigot.
Having said this, your sexuality expectation limits are yours just like your sexual preference. So nobody can help you get "those images" out of your head: you either come to terms that you are involved with such person or you let go of that person because you do not wish to be involved with someone of that past. If your disgust exceeds the power of you to cope with it then don't be with her. You cannot undo her past, it will be there forever.
Perhaps you regret that she did all that because without that past she would make a great package? If so, then evaluate the "package" against your disgust and if who she is now is less important then who she was, for whatever reason, then let go and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): "Everyone has a past" except for the millions of people who don't. And millions of other people don't have anything in their past that embarrasses them or disgusts their partner. This way of brushing off the issue does not withstand a few seconds of critical thinking.
To the OP,
If your girlfriend's history disgusts you then it's a compatibility problem. Don't look at it as a morality issue like one of you is wrong and the other is right. That just makes it all uglier & more painful than it needs to be.
Neither of you is wrong, you are just different.
You may not be able to bridge this problem because nothing is going to magically take away your feelings about this. Feelings don't have on/off switches.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Get over it! Lots of people have pasts that are unacceptable to others but nothing can change it. in my opinion, the less you know about your best friend's past the better off you are so stop "sharing".
...............................
A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (8 February 2017):
 I would take this as a positive. She has had a lot of experience, she presumably knows what she likes sexually, and she has chosen to be with you!! Personally, I would always prefer a partner with experience than one without. You have been together for 8 months, so you are obviously doing a lot of things right!! My wife had quite a lot of sexual partners before we met, it doesn't bother me one bit. Good luck to the both of you for the future!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Telling each other how many previous sexual partners you've be had is fine, but details are never needed. I'm puzzled why she would share more, unless you asked. One or both of you are very naive to think details would positively affect the relationship.
There are only two options, unfortunately: get over it or break up. I wouldn't want to know details, but you're past that and it's up to you how you handle it.
As for the ex, there's not much you can or should do. If you trust her, you have nothing to worry about, but ask her not to over-share information about her sexual past or the crude things guys say to her.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Why would you even get into that topic of conversation with her? Stupid path to go down and you've essentially brought this upon yourself.
Like you said, she's been honest and not hiding anything so if you're not worried about her cheating then you either need to suck it up and get over it or break up with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Yeah, you guys need to stop over sharing. This is the problem when you are young and naive, you don't understand the difference between being honest and being crude. Just because one is honest in a relationship and respects ones partner, does not mean one should share sexual history or every single word an ex boyfriend says to you.
You're not interested in hearing that stuff! Why would you want, or need, to hear about whenever she bumps into her ex, or whatever he says to her? It's not of interest to you, all it results in is that you get there thoughts of him into your head, and why would anyone want that..?
Talk to your girlfriend about the concept of over sharing. Unless you ask, you don't want to know. It's that simple. If you ask, and ONLY IF you ask, she can answer, and then answer ONLY what you have asked. Anything else when it comes to exes or sexual stuff from the past is over sharing and unnecessary.
You don't need to know every detail of whenever she bumps into her ex, because she has a mind of her own and is capable of drawing the line between ok behaviour and not ok behaviour. You do not need to monitor her interactions with an ex. She can monitor herself. It is therefor completely unnecessary to know all the details about these interactions.
And we all know she wasnt born yesterday, she's had her experiences before she met you. Talk about how that's ok, it's ok to have a past and to have lived before you met your partner, but that it's also ok to keep your past in the past. Not to say we are denying our past, it's just that if you bring it up a lot it can seem like you would rather re-live the past, or you give your present partner a lot of mental images they'd rather be without.
I mean, it's one thing to know she had so and so many ex boyfriends, for example. It's a whole other to know and hear about evert sexual act she ever performed with them. It's just way too much information. I often compare such over sharing of sexual information with over sharing about what the contents of the toilet bowl look like after you've taken a dump. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's all natural, but it's not something people want to hear the details about..!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 February 2017):
 Wow! Fancy her daring to have more of a sexual past than you! That will just never do! I am laughing of course. I mean, come on. She has got this stuff out of her system and now sounds ready to settle down a bit. Would you rather she was wondering what it was like and yearning to try it while with you?
You need to decide whether you trust her or you don't. You say you do but then don't like the thought of her bumping into her ex. He is her ex for a reason. She chooses to be with YOU.
If you can't move on from obsessing about what she did before she went out with you, then you really need to cut this lovely girl loose and let her find someone who does not hold her past against her.
If you decide she IS the girl for you, then you need to work on making your relationship as strong and happy as possible. This will not only make HER happy but will also make YOU more secure.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (8 February 2017):
 I'm sure if you look back at your past there will.be many things you feel shame over... Things you wish you never did. Not saying that bit of experimentation is wrong but EVERYONE HAS A PAST. And most people, particularly those that partied a lot have a few garishly dressed skeletons in their closet- things they're likely not too proud of. But honestly? Someone's past is part of who they are, and part of who they become- the person you love. Sexual experimentation is not exactly abusing animals is it? If you are actually this "disgusted" , then maybe you wont be able to forget it, in which case if you can't accept it them have to move on from.her. Unless its something really depraved and disgusting(2g 1c or something) i think you're overracting. I think you really need to quit your bats*** paranoia because really she deserves more trust than you're giving her- she's been completely honest and upfront with you about things people may keep quiet. That honesty is a show of her commitment to the relationship and respect. She deserves the same back... It's a sign of fidelity on her part.And if you are obsessive and paranoid to a large extent, Maybe you should talk to a counsellor, do some cbt, because it will eventually do her in and push her away. Self fulfilling prophecy n all that. Good luck
...............................
|
