A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have a problem that hopefully you can help me with.....My current partner of 2 years and myself have a child who is 7 months old (the relationship moved fast). I have two more children from a previous relationship, all my children are boys aged 3 and 9. My current partner is 21 and I'm 30.When my relationship with my ex partner broke down she moved 170 miles away to the town she was born while I stayed. I see my eldest children every two weeks driving up to pick them up and bring them down for the weekend.The problem is my current girlfriend is jealous of my two children, I had them the past weekend and we all went out for the day, I took lots of photos and uploaded them onto Facebook only for my current girlfriend to accuse me of favouriting them over my youngest son with her. I told her that I share equal amount of photos of them all. I also see my youngest son every single day. I only see my eldest sons every two weeks so obviously I want to catch up with them.It's starting now to put a strain on our relationship as all my kids come first and if she can't accept them then we can't be together.
View related questions:
facebook, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2015): Girlfriend is immature. Yes she's 21 but she has nothing to do with it. My father's girlfriend did the exact same thing. Showed up at my house (where he was spending time with me) and demanded he leave to take her kids ice skating. I wasn't invited. The woman was in her forties. I dislike her and any relationship I might have had with my father suffered because of her. (But mostly him).Always out your kids first. You're doing great saying they always come first. Just make sure that translates into how you treat them. You need to spend time alone with your older boys but family time with all 3 boys is also good. Your building bonds of father-sons but also brothers- half brother. It'll get easier to do things together when your baby is older. As for posting photos your girlfriend is immature to judge your affection for her child based on that.Some women have a baby to keep a man or compete with his ex. I fear this is likely the reason your girlfriend became pregnant so quickly. Good luck juggling your situation. If she can't be nice to your boys ditch her. If she's cruel to your children your relationship with them will suffer.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 You have 3 children, sorry but she sounds like the 4th. Instead of you having to find the answers I think you should be putting that onus on her having to find ways to cope, this is only a problem because she has chosen to make it one- You just keep on doing what you are doing. Ask her why she feels the need to be jealous and find it hard to think why she would want to hurt you through you kids. I'd even go as far as painting this scenario: if for some reason, maybe this one, we separated would you prefer me to not continue to show*insert your sons name with her* love and have him grow up knowing that he matters?
If it were me I would be telling her that when she acts this way it makes it hard for you to love her in that moment further pointing out that she was well aware that you had children from a previous relationship. If you are already prepared to leave the relationship because of it then you should be prepared to let her know just how serious you are by asking her to stop being an arse hole.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): You are ignoring the obvious reality that after your older children's home was torn apart and they were physically separated from their father, you responded by hooking up with a new younger-model girlfriend who almost immediately popped out a half-sibling who has something they will never have again: two full-time parents.
Your older children have every right to resent the intrusive presence of a random stranger to whom they have no legal relationship during their rare time with their father, and as kids are very intuitive I'm sure they are picking up on their half-sibling's mother's jealousy of them.
Unfortunately you neglected to put your older children's best interests above your need to get laid and they are now suffering as a result. I agree with Honeypie that your new girlfriend may have gotten pregnant with the idea that having a kid with you would mark her territory and you would then forget your older kids, which only serves to demonstrate her glaring immaturity in not understanding that kids always come first.
You should be focusing your energy on repairing your relationship with your two oldest children (especially the nine-year-old, who is feeling the effects of his parents' separation most acutely) by spending time together with them outside the presence of your new girlfriend, and if she can't accept that then you need to start figuring out how you are going to juggle your responsibilities as the single father of three kids by two baby mamas 170 miles apart.
...............................
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (1 November 2015):
 I think you need to have a serious chat with her and let her know how her actions are upsetting you. Let her know that she is very important to you and that you love her and your child with her very much. But also explain that you have two other children who you love equally too, and while you get to spend every day with her, you can't with your other two so need to make time with them extra special.Maybe on the weekends where you don't have the other two, you pay special attention to her?Unfortunately she is extremely young, and jealousy often accompanies low self esteem and a lack of confidence. It is your job to help build those things up in her. Let her know how beautiful you think she is every single day, and reassure her that you are with her for the long haul.Be firm with her though... if this carries on she will start resenting your other two children which will start causing issues for everyone. Whilst reassuring her about how much you love her, be firm and let her know that you are not going to stop seeing your other two children as they deserve time with their dad the same way your son with her does. Ask her if she would be upset if your son together went to his grandparents house and they didn't treat him super special when he went over there. She will want the best of everything for her son the same way you want to with yours.And keep involving everyone in the activities you do when the kids come round, try not to take them out and leave her and your other son at home alone. Make sure you all have a great time as a family.Ultimately this is born out of her insecurities and only she will be able to move past it, but you have to help the best way you know how. Do you get on with her parents? Maybe discuss it with them?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 November 2015):
 I think your current GF is a tad immature. and not really very understanding of the whole situation. Which, well may not be entirely strange as she is ONLY 21.
There is a WASTE difference in what you can do with a 3 year old, a 9 year old and... a 7 months old baby. The 9 year old will REMEMBER outings and event, a 3 year old? not so much but a 7 months old? Absolutely not.
You are doing the RIGHT thing in BEING there for ALL your kids. What she doesn't seem to understand is that ALL the kids NEED a dad. And that YOU are trying to BE that dad.
There is a LOT more to being a parent than how many FB picture a person posts, does your GF understand that at all?
My husband has children from his first marriage AND a son from his last relationship. When we lived near the son, we had him quite often, my husband did do quite a few outing with him ALONE (he is 3 year older than our oldest) which I encouraged. OUR children HAD him (when he was home) but his son? didn't spend much time with him (due to his mother and my husband's job) Since the mom had a revolving door of BF's - I think it was pretty important that his son had a male rolemodel in his dad. Quite often did he take the boy's half brother (from another dad) and when he was deployed I had both boys come stay for week-ends too, with me and the girls (our kids).
WHEN you date someone who HAS children from a past relationship you HAVE to accept that the kids ARE a priority. Or not date people with kids. Now your GF may have thought that when she "gave" you a kid of her own you would forget the other kids. THAT is not reality.
I would sit her down and talk to her. SHE needs to figure out how to make this work. If not... well, then THAT is her choice to not accept it.
...............................
|
