A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been dating a woman 10 years younger than me for almost 9 months. We are in love but her health really concerns me. I have a job which requires me to maintain my fitness and I work out several times a week. My girlfriend is overweight (not an issue for me) but shes diabetic. And almost every month she attends the doctor/hospital for something. We are planning on having a child together but i'm concerned her health with deteriorate. I dont know if maybe our lifestyles are incompatible? I dont know if I should break up with her or discuss her health with her?
View related questions:
overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): A little judgemental of your girlfriend you are.Yes break up.Not because of her health issues or weight but because she deserves much better than you.She knows she is overweight....she knows about her health problems.Why did you even ask her out and waste her time if you did not like her body.When you fall in love with someone or even date them you should like how they are already and not try to change them.You like or love the idea of them in your mind but in reality they are really a different person.Do not try to change her she will resent you for it.Break up and find someone who you like as they are without them changing just for you.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 March 2020):
 If you honestly think you’d marry this woman then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and at least talk about this before breaking up.
It’s a perfectly valid concern to question someone’s life choices when it comes to their health. Especially if you’re planning a future with this woman! Be respectful but bring up your concerns, have an honest discussion and clear the air and then go from there.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020):
Original poster here
Sorry, I should have been more clear. She is type 1 diabetic but thats one thing she actually has under control. It does worry me as I know things can affect her diabetes.
Yes I do worry that addressing her health she might assume its because I want her to loose weight but thats not the case.
I would love to make her my wife buts she is just at the start of a messy divorce so we will need to wait to tie the knot.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 March 2020):
 9 months is pretty early to be thinking about babies, especially before you’ve mentioned marriage to us. There’s no rush; you’re both pretty young - particularly her.
Depending on her lifestyle, her weight may not be an issue - lots of people of all different shapes and sizes have diabetes - my mum and my uncle have it. Her lifestyle will make the difference more than her weight.
She goes to the doctor about the diabetes or about other things? If you can discuss having a child together, why can’t you already discuss health?
Go on walks together. Eat healthily when together. You’re talking about her health, then ask if you’re lifestyles are incompatible. Which is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): Definitely try to discuss her health with her first. Don’t just break up with her, saying you’re not compatible. She will take it as you saying she’s too fat for you, and if she’s a stress eater, she’ll further harm herself. She needs positive encouragement right now. Get some recipe books designed for managing diabetes. As for physical activity, start walking around the block together, and increase exercise as she gets used to it. It may take awhile, but she will see results. I want to share my experience with you. Maybe you can even show her if you think it would help.
In May of 2018, I went on a trip to Tennessee with my husband. At that time, neither of us were in real good shape. I was not obese, but I was certainly overweight at 5’5” and wearing a pants size (US) 10 or 12 depending on brand. Anyway, the weather was nice on our trip, so we decided to be outdoors and explore the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. We were struggling as we made our way to the end of the Grotto Falls trail. We stood there gazing at the waterfall for a few minutes, and then I glanced up further. I noticed the trail seemed to keep going. I thought it ended at the waterfall. Even with the crummy cell phone signal, we managed to look it up. Sure enough, the trail kept going to a place called Brushy Mountain, and there were several other trails that connected. I don’t know what came over me, but I said, “Let’s keep going!” I knew I probably shouldn’t. I had struggled to even get to the waterfall. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to turn back. At first, my husband looked at me in disbelief. He didn’t say anything. I think he thought I was kidding. I then said, “I’m serious.” He said he wasn’t sure we’d brought enough water with us. We’d only brought two bottles, and we’d already drank most of one of them. We also knew the walk up to Brushy would be strenuous, at least for us. After some hesitation, he agreed we should go for it. I told him worst case scenario, we can turn around if it’s too much for us. Long story short, we ended up making it to Brushy Mountain. Toward the end of the trail, it had gotten narrow, and he tripped and bashed his knee on a rock. The view from the top made it all worth while. We’d finished our second bottle of water by the time we started our way back down. We were both thirsty (and hungry), and he was limping from hurting his knee, but we were both still happy and had a sense of accomplishment at what we’d done. I’ll never forget that day.
We became hikers. We’ve done trails we could’ve never dreamed of doing before. I’ve learned many new healthy recipes. I was an all right cook then, but I’m a great cook now. I went to a gym during the winter months. I couldn’t imagine being the way I was before. I lost a lot of weight and wear a size 4. My body is healthy and toned. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and it all started from me glancing up from a waterfall.
Please don’t give up on her just yet, especially if you love her enough to want to have children with her. Travel with her once this Covid19 outbreak passes, and the quarantine is over. She may just need to have an experience like I did. Prior to that, I wasn’t very motivated either.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): HI
If your girlfriend is Type II diabetic then it is easily reversed by diet. I am a Nutritional Therapist and studied Nutritional Medicine for four years to get my qualification and can assure you that if your girlfriend loses weight and exercises, that Type II diabetes can be reversed. Seen it happen many times. So, there is a cure. If it's Type I then there is no cure as the damage is done before it's diagnosed.
But the question is, does your girlfriend WANT to improve her health? Being diabetic and pregnant is a worrying combination, although doctors are getting more used to dealing with this as people become more routinely overweight. As I'm sure you know, you cant force your girlfriend to look after her health, but real, correct information and guidance might inspire her.
If she can afford to see a Nutritional Therapist, people who really understand the impact of particular foods, then I would recommend that she does so. Doctors have three hours of nutritional education in their four years of training and I've heard shocking advice from their mouths on this subject. Dieticians also are not deeply trained, nutritionists are better trained, but Nutritional Therapists are the top of their profession and she may feel differently when she realises that she has more control over her situation than she may believe, and or has been told.
Give her this information and then see if she wants to implement any of it. If not, and she's happy watching her health deteriorate, then it sounds to me as if you're nearing the end of the line with her. Your whole life will be impacted by being with someone who doesn't want to take responsibility for her health. If that's the case, then you sound worlds apart. Easier to do so now, than with a child in the mix, obviously. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): If you are concerned for her health, how is breaking-up with her a remedy?
" My girlfriend is overweight (not an issue for me) but shes diabetic."
I'll take your word for it, but why did you mention your health and fitness?
Is she so stubborn that she doesn't listen to her doctor's orders? There are publications that you can get from the doctors office that suggest healthy diet; and advise patients against certain lifestyle-habits that are dangerous to her health. You can also subscribe to health magazines specifically for patients with diabetes. These monthly publications offer recipes, diet and nutrition information; as well as healthful suggestions for maintaining her diabetes if she is on insulin, or metformin hydrochloride pills. People hate exercise, but just getting her to take walks does a world of good.
Young people tend to ignore their doctors, and think they're invincible. Being young makes them think they can pretty much overcome anything. There is no cure for diabetes; but well maintained, she can live a healthy, reasonably normal, trouble-free life.
Sir, I know you fear raising the ire of female-readers; if you place too much emphasis on the fact you really are concerned about her weight. You should be! Mainly because she is having many health-related complications that could lead to stroke, heart disease, or kidney failure. Even blindness! Diabetes starting in someone so young could only get worse if not properly maintain. It will shorten her life!
Kidney-failure is pretty common for young diabetics who don't receive adequate medical attention, or properly maintain their diabetes.
Diabetes is nothing to fool around with. If you care about her health, and less about her appearance; you will urge her to take care of herself.
Forget about endangering her health with pregnancy; if she goes to the doctor for complications related to her diabetes. Pregnancy is out of the question!
Diabetics who foolishly ignore their doctors quickly develop very serious complications. If she is causing you depression and anxiety, because she refuses to listen to her doctor; or you are getting too frustrated with worry. Then explain to her that you can't just standby and let her slowly destroy her health. If leaving her is necessary, then do it.
Just because she's female doesn't mean you're forced to endure whatever; so you won't look like a jerk. I just can't see justification in abandoning someone who needs help; and it is best to alert her doctor, that she refuses to comply with medical advice that could save her life. Craving sweets and sugary foods is common with diabetics. She has to learn how to manage the cravings.
I think a gentler way to handle it is to have her mother talk with her. Don't go and alarm her family; if this is really about your discomfort with her weight-gain, or all about you wanting a child!
How about making a woman your wife, before making her a mother? If that isn't in the future, perhaps you should leave her; and let her family take are of her. Has it ever occurred to you that eating is her anxiety suppressor, because she worries about how you feel about her appearance? Pressuring her to have a kid, but no foreseeable marriage-commitment to sure-up your family. Then what after she's a young mother? What can she expect from you as father, and what about making her feel more secure about starting a family with you? How many more unmarried-dads leaving their single-mothers do children need? You're only together less than a year, and you're talking about children???
If you just need her to produce you a child, I would recommend you move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2020):
 Pregnancies can be dangerous for her health if her diabetes is not under control.
However, is she going to the hospital monthly to get help to control her diabetes or because she has no control or doesn't take proper care of it?
Does she WANT to lose weight? Has she is in the 9 months you have been together spoken about being more healthy?
And why have you not brought up her health before? Because you are afraid she will think that you don't want to date a "big woman"? That you want her to change for you, not for her?
I think you can bring it up, but be ready to be as gentle as you can.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): Talk to her about your concerns, if she doesn't try to fix it you need to decide if it's worth staying or not
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 March 2020):
 Your girlfriend needs to be the healthiest she can be before becoming pregnant. Her diabetes will need to be properly managed and the reasons for her monthly visits to doctors clearly understood and also managed.
Your girlfriend will need to understand these issues, so you will need to talk with her. If you are unsure of what will be entailed maybe talk to your GP first and ask them for advise.
...............................
|
