A
male
age
41-50,
*ontwanttoloseher
writes:Three years ago I met and fell in love with "Kate" she was in a very abusive relationship and my friend and I helped her get out of it. I honesty believe if she hadnt left when she did he would have killed her. Last year he committed suicide while he was on house arrest for stalking Kate. She has a four year old daughter with her ex and her ex in laws always bring up the fact that she left her ex for me. The never bring up the fact that he beat the shit out of her on daily basis. They will say things like "Sadie" isn't your daughter or tell Sadie that I'm not good enough to be her dad. No I might not have the money he had but she never has to worry about me hurting her or hearing her mother and I yelling and screaming at other because I respect her and her mother and will always protect them unlike her father did. I have tried to be civil with this family but they don't get it. They believe he did no wrong and I am the bad guy. Is there anything I can do to show them that the things they are saying are only hurting their grandchild?
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male
reader, Dontwanttoloseher +, writes (20 August 2016):
Dontwanttoloseher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has tried to talk to them but honestly I think she is scared of them. They are very wealthy and have brought up that they can pay for the best lawyers if she refused access to their granddaughter. She lived in fear of her ex' and didn't leave sooner because he used the same line. I don't care what they think of me I just don't like how the putting things in a child's head. Let her decide for herself if I'm a nice guy. I have no worries that she doesn't like me on her own. I am the one there for her. Life is about more then just money. I'm at all her dance recitals. I'm the one taking her camping and to swim class and reading the bedtime stories to her. I don't need to pretend I'm something I'm not.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 August 2016):
 Sounds like they are looking for someone to blame for the way their son turned out. Don't forget, they lost a son. Regardless of what a horrible piece of work he turned out to be, he was still their son and they will still be mourning his loss. They will be looking to keep his memory alive via his daughter. Also sounds like they are in denial about his behaviour (which often happens when a person dies - they suddenly become a saint in the eyes of the people who miss them most). It is convenient for them to view YOU as the cause for your girlfriend leaving their son, rather than admit the real reason - that their son abused the mother of his child and made her fear for her life. You and your girlfriend need to present a united front on this and not allow these people to twist the little girl's mind. Perhaps have a family meeting (without the little girl present) and lay down some ground rules? Is your girlfriend strong enough to stand up to them?Keep being a loving and supportive partner to your girlfriend, and a loving father figure to her daughter. You ARE a good guy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Of course they'll support him...he was their son, and blood after all IS thicker than water. Don't let their words get to you and don't expect any better from them. Not only did they raise a terrible son, they refuse to even see his faults. How do you think such people would be?
There's nothing for you to do here, but what your girlfriend should do is to take a stand and not allow them to speak to you in this way. Its her daughter, she can limit the amount of time the child spends with them and if she feels that they're a bad influence on her child, then she should cut them out of her life altogether. That's what I would do anyway. I wouldn't let anyone poisonous come close to my child, no mater who the person might be.
What does Kate say when they talk to you in this way?
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A
male
reader, Dontwanttoloseher +, writes (20 August 2016):
Dontwanttoloseher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, my gf and I never speak badly of her ex in front of the little girl. When she is old enough to understand then I'm sure my gf will tell her the truth. Right now we just want her to be a kid and. It have to worry about those things
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 August 2016):
 Honestly? I think it would be best coming from HER, not you. And even then, some people will refuse to "see" the truth because it means THEY would have to take SOME responsibility in the mess.
I would talk to your GF about limiting their contact with the little girl, I don't think they are a good influence if they are trying to PAINT you with a "bad" brush so they don't have to accept that their son was abusive and maybe even mentally ill.
However, ULTIMATELY the choice is your GF's.
I would continue to be a POSITIVE force in the little girl's and her mother's life and ACCEPT that you may not be able to do,say ANYTHING to change their mind or get them to moderate their behavior. They are sticking their head in the sand.
The little girl will understand that YOU are there for her, that you love her and her mom.
I wouldn't paint the ex as a monster for this little girl so that YOU can shine. Even if that is the truth. I would simply not have conversations about her dad until she is OLD enough to understand and then... it should come from her mom.
What does your GF say to all this? What does she think? What does she do? How does she feel?
Ultimately, what they SAY is irrelevant. But that doesn't mean they should just fill the little girl's head with lies. They ARE hurting her with all the drama.
I also think it's part guilt from them. He was obviously not a great guy and they ignored it, he needed help and they ignored it... he killed himself and they want SOMEONE to blame... YOU being the easiest target.
Talk to your GF (and not in front of the little one) stick together and maybe cut down on the time those people get to spend with her. AT least for now, however, remember IT IS your GF's choice. SUPPORT each other.
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