New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My girlfriend warms my heart and she's possibly the coolest girl ever, but there's this lingering "what if" about the other girl who I've had a crush on

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 September 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 26 September 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. She is pretty amazing. We had a bit of a rocky start, but things have smoothed out and we have a lot of fun together now.

My problem is that there is a girl I've known for many years, an old friend at this point, whom I've always sortof had a crush on. She just has a special place in my mind, and my current gf didn't really push her out. As time goes on and life seems more real and permanent, I feel faced with a tough decision. My girlfriend warms my heart, and she's possibly the coolest girl ever, but there's this lingering "what if"...

I've never hooked up with the old friend, and I honestly don't know if we would be good together. I just don't really know how to move forward. I'll bet a lot of folks will say that I don't deserve my gf if I'm just waiting for something else. Well, perhaps that's true. But the thought of leaving her really hurts. I don't want to hurt her, and I may kick myself hard if I lose her. Everything is good, but the other girl is just so beautiful... What's out of bounds? What if I tell the friend about the feelings? If I do and she shoots me down, then it's as if my gf is the second place prize, and I don't want that for her or me. Maybe I'm hoping to find out that the friend is not all I thought she was and that my gf really is special and for me... like I'm hoping that I'll stop caring so much about the beauty comparison.. Ugh...

View related questions: crush

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012):

Hey, thanks to everyone who has written. I really appreciate everyone's sincere words, really.

I have read some really heartfelt responses, and I honestly CAN imagine myself, years from now, being alone and finally realizing how much I had in my girlfriend, how I'll never find it again, wanting her back, and not feeling the need anymore to sacrifice so many good things just because I desire a girl whose face is etched into my mind as the measure of all things beautiful.

I can't really say anything else... The last author was correct when they said that there is something more going on here than lust, than infatuation. I wish I could fast forward and be wiser and happy with how great I've got it now, but there's something deeply selfish going on in me and I can't help but wonder if there's a good reason for that.

Thanks everyone, sorry if I'm helping ruin others' faith in humanity, or men.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012):

It is obvious you really care about your crush. And I suspect there is more to it than her beauty. For you to even be this torn, she must have an emotional connection to you in some way and/or vise versa. By your own admission, you have known this other girl for many years so she is not just a pretty face. Obviously she is a close friend and you have feelings for her.

If you are having these questions and doubts, believe me, you cannot be truly in love with and committed to your current girlfriend.

You need to really think about what your heart wants. In the end, there are never any guarantees. You cannot guarantee things would work out with her as much as you cannot guarantee things would work out with your girlfriend either. You sometimes got to take a leap of faith in order to achieve happiness.

Life is about taking chances and risks. If you keep going on this way by sitting on the fence and not knowing what to do, it is an injustice to your girlfriend and to the other woman. You would be playing them both. You need to figure out what is really in your heart and take a leap of faith because life is too short for what if's, doubts and should I do this or that?

Make a decision. Go with your heart and stand by it. Your heart will never steer you wrong. And if it turns out to be the wrong choice, then it is a chance you had to take. Just be sure that you would be okay being by yourself and on your own if the other woman does not feel the same way. If you are okay with your decision for you and you alone, then it will all work out fine.

I left my boyfriend because I had feelings for another guy. I am not with that guy even though I thought I would be. We are friends though. But I left my boyfriend knowing I would be okay without someone else as a safety net. You cannot pin your hopes and expectations for happiness on other people. You must be happy within yourself and it is your responsibility to make yourself happy first.

But truly it is not fair to either of these women while you are not sure of what you want.

You need to be mature and responsible and make a choice. You will see how good it feels and how making that choice will release you of stress and pain. Sitting on the fence can be worse, believe me. You have to find the strength in yourself to pull the trigger.

Maybe you need to get away from both of them and find out who you think about more. Who do you miss? What is it that one is giving you that the other isn't?

Remember, we have one life. Don't waste it away with someone who does not have your whole heart. It is not right for either of you. You don't want to be with someone because she is secure and is a great person. You have to know in your heart she is the one.

You are having doubts. What is this telling you?

I can tell you that if she was THE ONE, you would not be feeling this way about another woman and you would not be on Dear Cupid expressing your doubts and asking for advice.

GO WITH YOUR HEART. DO NOT BE AFRAID. LIFE IS MEANT TO LIVE. LIFE IS FOR TAKING CHANCES.

Move on from your girlfriend, then talk to your friend and tell her how you feel if you are truly sure that she is the one...

Hey, how many people meet THE ONE or the right one while still in a relationship? Often a boyfriend/girlfriend can turn out to be the one FOR NOW and not THE ONE. It happens you know! Would you want to miss out on that because you are too busy being afraid to make a decision?

Remember: Above all: The Truth Shall Set You Free....

Best of luck and keep us posted!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (24 September 2012):

dearkelja agony auntI agree with the others, and I will add....

It is not your current girlfriend's responsibility to "push the thoughts of your crush out of your head." That belongs to you.

If you are still hanging on to a potential relationship while in a relationship then you are not being fair to your girlfriend. And I really have to question this potential relationship you desire with someone who you don't truly know; and her redeeming quality is beauty?

I agree with you, if you leave your girlfriend don't consider coming back to her for the 2nd place prize. You will always know it and she will feel it. It's not fair.

If you really have a desire for a relationship with someone other than your girlfriend, then I agree, she's not Your one, she deserves to be someone's grand prize.

I will tell you this, finding someone is this big wide world that you enjoy being with, who treats you well and who is kind is not easy. But if you don't love her, leave her. I suspect you may never find it again.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (24 September 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntPlease consider only this phrase from your submittal:

"...Everything is good, but the other girl is just so beautiful... "

Then, decide if you are considering buying a new best-selling book, or a new automobile..... or mulling over a decision to throw over a known-to-be-great G/F for another who you don't know all that much, EXCEPT that you know she is darn-sharp arm-candy.

I know which I'd choose....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (24 September 2012):

mystiquek agony auntThe best way I can sum things up is an old expression..."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I think its human nature to want what we don't have. The problem is that when we get it..we don't want it. Sound familiar? We've all had that feeling before. Think things over very carefully before you do something that you might regret. Search your heart...do you really want to go after a crush? Is it worth losing your cool girlfriend over? That's what you need to ask yourself. Trust me, if you tell your girlfriend what you are thinking, she won't like it..and I seriously doubt if she'll give you the freedom to "try things out" and then welcome you back with open arms! Would you like it if the situation were reversed? I doubt it. Some things are just better left alone. Beauty isn't everything. Looks are great, but they don't last forever, illness, accidents can take away a pretty face in a heart beat. A great personality, a warm heart lasts forever. I realize I'm quite a bit older than you but I learned very early in the game that a man who has a kind heart and can me laugh will win out EVERY SINGLE TIME over a good looking jerk.

You've got some thinking to do. A hope a chance with a pretty face doesn't turn into later you saying "I can't believe I let my girlfriend get away".....good luck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (24 September 2012):

chigirl agony aunt*crush, not cruch

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (24 September 2012):

chigirl agony auntIf you tell your friend about your feelings for her (whatever feelings that might be since you just say you have a crush on her), then you need to be single. There's absolutely NO honour in a man who sneaks behind his girlfriends back to test his luck with other women.

If you are still together with your girlfriend, and then go and confess your love to your friend, your friend will not be interested in you, that's for sure. Because who wants to be together with a man who sneaks around and has secret crushes on someone else while still in a relationship? Surely, your friend doesn't want such a man for a boyfriend.

So no, telling her when you're still in a relationship would just be stupid, and ruin whatever chance you might have with her. You got to be single before you make any moves in that direction. ALWAYS end one relationship BEFORE you start another! That is the golden rule.

So, with this golden rule in mind, first things first. Do you want to leave your girlfriend? No? Then it's settled. Forget about whatever "what ifs" with someone else, you've made up your mind and want to see what happens "what if" you continue to stay with your girlfriend. Life is uncertain, you got to choose what you want to place your bet on, who you want to place your heart with. Choosing your girlfriend isn't choosing predictability... you still have no idea what will happen between you and her 2 years from now.

If you have a feeling your girlfriend isn't the one for you, no matter how great she is... Well, some times we can acknowledge that someone is great, and amazing, and yet feel that they are not for us. That even if they are great, they are not for you. If that is how you feel towards your girlfriend you might want to end things with her, so that she can move on to be with someone else, and so that you can continue your search for someone who you feel is more for you. Be that your friend, or someone else.

But deal with your relationship first and decide what you want to do with it, stay or leave. Only if you are single do you have the option of trying things out with your friend, telling her about your cruch on her etc.

PS. What's the "beauty comparison"? Surely you know better than to judge a persons character solely on their looks?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, MikeEa1 Australia +, writes (24 September 2012):

MikeEa1 agony auntwe are all a bit like that. I have the greatest girlfriend in the world but the last one ended funny and I wonder about her. you have to figure out who you are in love with if anyone and take it from there. is it hard to tell if you're in love? If you're not in love with her walk away. make sure you give yourself some space after you walk away so you can move forward without thinking of going back. I know the other woman is not a part of the past but is a possible future interest but the more you let this thought distract you the more detached you will become from your current relationship.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (24 September 2012):

Anonymous 123 agony auntThe problem with you is that you have everything that you could want so now you want even more. Stop romanticizing everything so much. Your crush wasn't The One That Got Away. She was a crush and if you cant get her out of your mind then you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with someone else in the first place. Its very unfair to your girlfriend. How would you feel if the tables turned and she was debating about YOU in this way, fantasizing about another better looking guy? How shallow does that sound?

Please cherish what you have because what you have is real. Your dreams about the other girl are just dreams, what you think about her is completely hypothetical. Don't give up something wonderful that you already have for something that you think you might want.

Reading your post makes me feel that you don't really love your girlfriend and you're with her because she's a nice person and it would hurt you to lose her, but if you think that you cant do justice to the relationship then you should leave her. Let her find her happiness somewhere else and dont hold on to her just because it makes you feel that she's your safety net.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My girlfriend warms my heart and she's possibly the coolest girl ever, but there's this lingering "what if" about the other girl who I've had a crush on"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312730000005104!