A
male
age
36-40,
*efty12345
writes:How should I feel and/or respond to my girlfriend asking about her wanting a tattoo to remember her dead ex? We have been dating for almost 2 years. I do love her. She had known this ex for a long time before me and describes him as a dear friend. However they weren't even talking for a year before we started dating. It was a huge issue when he found out he had cancer and he even tried to make her feel guilty about it. This was about a year into our relationship. I was very angry about how he was making her feel at the time. About 5 months ago he passed away. I understand she is going through a process of grieving, and I try to be understanding, but at the same time I don't like hearing about him because all of my experiences with hearing about him are in regards to how he was hurting her emotionally. I find it difficult to be there for her during her grieving process because of this. Then the other day she asks me how I would feel about her getting a tattoo for him. I immediately said I would be 100 percent against it and feel that it would really hurt our relationship. This is a woman I could see spending the rest of my life with. Even though the tattoo isn't going to be anything big, both of us still know what it represents and that bothers me for two reasons. One I just don't want to see it. And two and more importantly I don't feel it is a healthy grieving process. I want her to be happy and it bothers me that she thinks this will make her happy. I tried suggesting us going to a counselor to talk to about how I could be helping her with her grief and how she should go about her grieving process. But she doesn't think she needs help. She has said that because of my feelings she won't get the tattoo but I feel like she is just resenting me about it now. She is very angry with me and I don't know what to do. Should I tell her to get the tattoo that I am very against if that will make her happy even though I strongly feel it will hurt our relationship in the future possibly ending it? Or should I just let her be angry and hope she gets over it? Should I insist on therapy for her, for me, or for both of us? I really don't know what to do or even how I SHOULD feel. I just know how I do feel about her getting this tattoo, and I am strongly against it. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2015):
 Well, I don't blame you for thinking it's inappropriate and odd.
But like several people mentioned, grief is an odd duck. It ranges from guilt, loss, numbness, depression... You never know WHAT you get.
I think Tisha's suggestion that you sit her down apologize and talk openly about it - maybe even help her find a counselor and maybe instead of a tattoo find a worthy cause and donate in HIS name there. I would definitely NOT push her, but suggest that she gives herself a good YEAR to decide this. Because it's WAY more expensive to have a tattoo removed or covered than it is to either get the "right one" or none at all.
But when all is said and done, THIS IS her body, her choice.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 November 2015):
 Hopefully this is just a knee jerk reaction due to grief but I have to agree with you, I would not be supportive of such a 'tribute' if I were in the same situation. I cant see how it would be considered to be an honourable thing to do for him whilst being dis honourable for you- her partner. If the very thought bugs you now then it will become more of a sore point, maybe breaking point, as the relationship goes on. My advice would be to let her know that while you understand that she is grieving and you are sorry that she is feeling the way she is, you cant be supportive of her wanting to immortalise a man that you had to sit and watch emotionally blackmailed his girlfriend. There are plenty of other ways to remember the dead- Maybe she could donate something in his name. Or buy a wig or two and donate it to a cancer group, a painting, books,playstation, for the cancer ward in a childrens hospital or something like that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 November 2015):
 Grief is a funny thing. It can't be managed, directed, ordered or otherwise handled into what an outsider thinks should happen. It's experienced by each individual on an individual basis.
You think you know how she should be grieving. I'll tell you that you are wrong. She might need support and help guiding her to getting help if she's struggling. But you cannot tell how she "should" grieve and how she needs to move on.
Instead of banning a tattoo... you aren't her husband or her life partner just yet, you have been dating her for 2 years.... how about talking with her about this grief. You clearly are angry at her ex.
I'd suggest getting a tattoo which represents the fight against cancer. That way, she gets the tattoo which she seems to feel strongly about and you don't have to look at his name.
If you can't support her in her grieving process then be sure you aren't hindering her from finding her way through the grief. It's not her job to grieve in the way you find acceptable. She's going through what she's going through.
Instead of immediately announcing your feelings about the tattoo, wouldn't it have been more supportive to explore her reasons for it in a calm accepting way?
Instead, you've told her that her expression of grief could destroy your relationship.
I can see why she would be expressing some anger towards you. You want to micromanage how she gets through this, you don't take the time to stop and think about how your reaction to this might affect her.
I would be sure that she knows you "do love her", though perhaps without that tone that suggests it's on a knife edge.
I would go back to her and apologize for immediately saying "I would be 100 percent against it and feel that it would really hurt our relationship" and say instead, "I love you so much that I want you to be happy. I've been trying to help you be happy in the way I think would be best for you. I've now come to realize that you have to find your own way through your feelings and that the best thing I can do is support you."
"I have very negative feelings about your ex, because he put you through some very dark days. I know you have a different experience of him, because you want to do him an honor as a remembrance of him.
"May I suggest that we find a way to discuss this with help, if necessary? I'll be happy to see a counselor with you, a grief counselor, or a couples counselor.
"In the meantime, I'd like to suggest a compromise, maybe something that will help us both. Why don't you consider getting a tattoo that represents the fight against cancer? You'll know it's for him and I'll know you will go to great lengths for someone you cared about. If we break up you can always change the tattoo in the future."
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (19 November 2015):
She is being extremely insensitive and selfish. Reading between the lines, part of her desire to get a tat of him is that she somehow resents you. I hate to see you walk away from two apparently decent years with her, but this woman is trouble and to be avoided.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 November 2015):
Does she have any other tattoos, or would this one be her very first tattoo?
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (18 November 2015):
 Hi
What a horrible situation you are in.
Firstly I'd say that my fiancée died too so I can understand how she feels
She is totally self absorbed and dramatic in my view.
You have been with her for two years and she expects you to be happy about this??
How she thinks this is possible is bizarre.
Maybe she wanted to test you or wind you up for some reason.
Other than that I'm stumped
Does she sense she can do anything and you will forgive her because you love her so much? x
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