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My girlfriend lost her virginity to another guy while we were on a break!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Sex, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 May 2010) 14 Answers - (Newest, 27 May 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone,

Well me and my girlfriend were both virgins, well I still am and we have been going out for 4 years. We were waiting for a right time for us to be together before we actually do this and we both agreed. We both love each other so much. But recently we hadn't been going as good and offered a little time without getting in each others faces. Well one night she was a little drunk and upset and she was texting me that she misses me and wants to be back to normal. I told her that I'll talk to her the next day and she agreed. A week later I told her that I miss her too and that we should go back to normal, well she told me she needed more time. (Which I don't understand at all). a few days later she told me that she was trying to tell me and that she had sex with her flat mate that night she was a little drunk, since he was being comforting. She told me that she didn't feel nothing of it and knew it was a big mistake. She told me she'll do anything to get me back and I couldn't take it from her that she cheated on me. She even lost her virginity to this guy which pisses me off even more! After a lot of thinking and we met up 2 days later, I agreed to give her another chance but we have to take it slow and she has to regain my trust for her which I told her won't be so easy.

I'm just wondering what everyones thoughts were, did I make the right choice? I love her a lot and can't think of anyone else I would want to be with. But that thought is still in my mind and I don't know, I just need to actually get all this info out and hear what everyone has to say.

Thanks

View related questions: a break, both virgins, cheated on me, drunk, flatmate, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

I forgot to add this: Christians are not martyrs. They should also not be fools. Yes Christ expects us to forgive but we need to be realistic to understand if we do the crime we must do the time. Our actions have consequences. I think you need to review her statements about the sex partner not meaning anything and that she did not feel anthing. I am sorry to say that this is more lies and she is deliberately without vital info from you. You see I was a virgin when I met my hb. It was a choice. He wanted a virgin and he got one. I loved him and respected him even when we were fighting. I did not disrespect and threw my virginity away when it was meant for him. I will be married for 20 years next year and from my experience I can say that Virginity plays an important role when people save themselves for each other. I know my hb would have never accepted me if I allowed another man to use my body. He knows my body is his and that I have never had another man touch my body. Why? Becuase I made a choice! Simple. Please read my previous eye opening response. Yes it was harsh but I was trying to reveal to you the truth. Stop playing nice guy. This person is walking all over you. This is sad because you deserve so much more. And you need to start believing it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

You loved her and respected her. You waited for 4 years and you both promised each other your virginity. You two took a mini break , she claimed to miss you and then went and fqcked her flat mate. That is the crux of this isn't it. She thought so little of you that, she valued her virginity so much that she just gave it away. That was yours and your alone. She is lying when she says she was drunk and she didn't feel anything. To me it is BS . She is using alcohol as an excuse. Imagine if someone is drunk and murders a person - that drunk person will still face the consequences of his actions. So why shouldn't ther faithless gf. Her blatant disrespect of you is shocking, she had sex because she wanted to. I am going to be very critical and say that she is used goods/ sloppy seconds even. Why should you now settle for second best because by her deliberate actions , she is. Since you are still a virgin I humbly suggest that you move on from her and find someone who wuill respect you, love you and honour you. This woman does not. She f#cked another man and expects you to forgive her m why? Because she is sorry for having sex? What happens the next time you have an argument and you two are seperated- will she then go out and F another man and since you took her back initially she will expect the same. If you two took another break what stops her from cheating again. She is lying when she says it didn't amount to much. Visualise this: another man running his hands over and into her. Touching her breasts and let's not forget the penetration. Just thinking of it will make you sick. In the long run you will start to hate her and now let's not forget that viytal word TRUST. Your intention may be good but you will never trust her again and if she could cheat so easily then what stops her now. Forget her crocodile tears, forget her emotional outbursts. Where was her guilt and tears when she was Fing this other man. She was enjoying it and she cared nothing about you then. She will never be totally honest of

what she did with this man- missionary, cowgirl, anal - the list is endless, let's not forget oral sex. I am giving yoiu the worse case scenario to show you the devastating effects of her betrayal. I suggest you value the 4 years you were together but now your season together is over.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

Its a myth. Being drunk isn't an excuse for cheating. Alcohol breaks down barriers and can make people violent, racist, and make other people seem better because you are less judge-mental.

It doesnt affect loyalty and honesty (actually alcohol makes people more open). I am saving myself for my gf who also doing the same for marriage, 2 more years until then, and its already been 3 years... in those 3 years I have drunk alot of alcohol... some of it was after falling out with her!

I never had the mind state and/or intention of revenge or having casual to get over her or get at her. I was hit on by several girls in that period... you know what? I wouldnt dare even flirt with them because she means so much to me.

To me cheating isn't just about sex - but the intention of being intimate with someone else - yeah and this was after we split up. If i registered on a dating website - even if i had not met anyone, i would be a cheater because it means i am looking for someone else.

The options I see are either she distrusts me (major problem) in general or she strongly suspects I had sex with someone and then does the same to get back at me (as not together). I dont think she is the type for the second but I wouldnt dare try it. You know friend advice... and their experiences I have heard... Its worse than just the relationship when you save it with someone whom then dont save it for you.

You need to brainstorm:-

You cant trust her anymore

She betrayed you and led you on

She was out for herself and didnt care about your feelings

You know yourself that feelings dont die just when you break up

Cheaters will reoffend

I will sum up what I think happened. She waited so long with her virginity with you, your relationship died out because she stopped caring (not saying she dont have feelings or dont feel guilty - its different) and she just wanted to try sex. Its not your fault, she lacked communication with you, kept it from you (almost as good as lying), and went out without any regard for your feelings. She realizes that it was a bad mistake now but it doesnt change what happened.

You need to ditch her. I am telling you, its not about making a mistake, virginity or rights to second chances... important elements to a relationship are... trust, understanding, communication ... sex You have neither of them with her. What parts you feel you have and what you had in part are full of deceit and lies. I dont believe you can change her or for her to change - if she is disloyal and dont respect you then thats how it will always be. You deserve better.

I was in a similar situation recently, after a discussion one day we both promised not to take drugs or even try it. Well, I found out my gf took drugs when she went clubbing. She told me the day after however had tried to call me several times that night. She said to me she was only trying it. However, after hearing the details, I find out she had done it more than once (but no more than that).

I took her back, although things arent perfect now. The difference was she took them under peer pressure (although she had a choice) everyone else was doing it within her circle of friends... (which concerns me) and she came clean straight away, although it was the next day I found out she had tried to tell me about it. Although she didnt care about it at the time she agreed to it... and to it again... she realised she made the mistake straight away and had contacted me... not tried to keep it secret but let guilt make it come out. I shouldnt have took her back but I care too much for her, she is my soul partner so I had no choice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010):

Don't waste your time. I had this happen to me and those thoughts never leave your head. I gave her a second chance but all in all it wasn't worth it. Save yourself alot of stress and heartache and find someone who will truely care about you. You may not think that there is anyone else but trust me, there is. I have found someone new who treats me right and I am so glad that I left my ex in the dust. It isn't going to be easy but you need to tell her it's over and move on you are too young to have to put yourself through that kind of stress and pain.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010):

Women are pretty much just vindictive little harpies that feed off of the souls of men. Replace her with a less complicated specimen pal, as soon as you do that the sooner you can forget about all this. This shit doesn't just blow over. It stays in your head. And once you do have sex with her, it'll probably just make it worse because it'll only make you realize she already did that with someone else, with no consideration to you.

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A male reader, ManAfterChrist United States +, writes (6 May 2010):

ManAfterChrist agony auntAnytime, broseph. Let me know if there are any updates, and good luck with everything.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010):

Thanks, listening to you makes me think I made the right choice in seeing what could happen.

And she did tell me she didn't feel anything for him and it just happened, although it will take time and for it set in that she did lose her virginity to someone else like this maybe we will end up getting married in a few years.

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A male reader, ManAfterChrist United States +, writes (6 May 2010):

ManAfterChrist agony auntThat is definitely a possibility. Tell her that you are wounded, and that it will take some time to heal, but you will do your best.

With women, sex is so emotional. In this sense, she really only had physical sex. She did not emotionally connect with this man, how could she have?? When it's with you, it will be completely different. Literally a completely separate experience. Give her another chance and try to work through it.

I'm happy to hear she told you about it. She could have just thrown this under the rug never to bring it up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010):

I wish I could move on, she was my first ever real love and I got with her 4 years ago after knowing her for 2 years, we tell eachother everything and we're the closest you can be to anyone. We feel comfortable doing anything infront of eachother. Yes she cheated on me and it still is in my mind, but I don't think I can throw away what we have, it just hurts me even more since I thought me and her were actually going to go through life together. Her family and my family all know eachother and we're all really good friends, just everything seems right. That's what's in my head causing the biggest confusion ever.ManAfterChrist, I do understand what your on about but I don't think I can do anything sexual with her any time soon.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010):

Should you forgive her? Maybe.

Will you be able to forgive & forget, and not feel hurt about this constantly for years to come? Doubtful.

This kind of hurt doesn't go away and it only gets worse as your feelings about her grow more serious. Make thing easier on yourself and move on right now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010):

Okay, I'm an British Asian female and I personally think what she did was messed up. You shouldn't give her another chance.

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A male reader, ManAfterChrist United States +, writes (4 May 2010):

ManAfterChrist agony auntWell my reason was going to include a lot of Biblical reference. But if someone isn't Christian, it doesn't really mean much. That answer is a lot more backed up by reasons that I can understand, so I wanted to give that one if I could. You see where I'm coming from?

So yeah, you seem to get it. With time, you will be able to see her as she was. Try to see her as YOUR pure girlfriend. She made a mistake, but she loves you, and has been with you forever. When it happens with you it will be special, totally separate from her previous experience. Do not compare the two.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010):

We aren't christian, I'm sikh and although we went on a break we do have morales on what we do in life and having sex or anything like that with anyone else is purely unforgiving. I did give her a second chance because I do love her a lot and even though this has happened I still can't see myself without anyone else. I was hoping to make our first time with each other within the next 2 weeks, setting out a romantic day. But everything crashed in pieces when I heard this. I can't forgive her for what she's done right away but within time and a lot of working on the relationship together maybe we can reach an intimate stage.

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A male reader, ManAfterChrist United States +, writes (4 May 2010):

ManAfterChrist agony auntWow man... this is intense. My heart goes out to you. I think you should give her a second chance. I have my whole list of reasons, but I'm a Christian and if you aren't you might not understand. Are you a Christian? I'll check back a few times to see if you reply.

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