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My girlfriend is too controlling and I feel like running away

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 November 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 21 November 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been in a relationship with a girl for 3 years now. I lost my job 3 months ago. I've been busy Monday through Friday teaching part-time and learning some new stuff. I told her that I'd be hanging out with my friends on a Friday's night. She asked me to focus on my career and if I told her that I wanted to go, then she would pick a fight and would say that she no longer wants to continue the relationship. Is she right? She's very controlling. I'm scared I might have to lie to her. I feel like running away every time she restricts me. Please help!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (21 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhen you say you want to hang with friends on a Friday, does it involve spending money? If you guys have been together three years then she is probably looking at you as her future husband and future father off her children. In that case if you are not working but still spending then maybe she is worried. Have you asked her why she does not want you spending time with your friends?

Off course it is not unreasonable to want to hang with friends, it all depends on what you mean by that. Is she controlling in other areas? My guess is that if you are going to start lying to her then that will make things a whole lot worse. You are a grown man. If you want to run away then end things with her. If you don't then talk to her about how you are feeling and see if you can both work it out.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 November 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Cindy.

I do think you are leaving out part of the story here.

It really DOES come down to a few thing you left out. If your "Friday night with the boys" is you blowing off steam AND money ( that you don't have as you don't have a full-time job) I can see why she is annoyed with you and I can see why she worries that you put hanging out with friends ABOVE your career and getting back into a job. And without a job SHE would have to take care of YOU financially wouldn't she?

Even if you have savings or get some money from the part time teaching job - I BET it's not what you used to bring in.

Do you two live together? Share the costs of living? If so, are you still contributing?

I don't think she is MAD at you for wanting to go out. I think she is worried about you getting stuck in a half day/part time job that leads no way really. And that YOU will spend your money on nights out with the boys instead of saving up for the future.

If she IS just being controlling, then run. Walk away from the relationship.

And IF she is using the "I will leave you if you don't ABC" manipulation on you, then run. My guess is she think using the "I will leave you" because that is the only thing she can say to get you to think and listen.

I don't think this is about you going out 1 Friday a week. At all. There is a LOT more going on than what you mention.

Think about it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (19 November 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt It depends. From many variables.

For instance : what does exactly mean " hanging out with friends on Friday" ? Somehow I coìan't think that your gf is such a harpy ,that she is against you going to a friend's house to watch TV and shoot the breeze and...play cards with the Monopoly money. If it means " going out " as in, spending a good chunk money that you do not have and do not earn in various drinks and food and club fees , I can see her point. When you have an income, you can spend it on entertainment. When you don't, and have to dip into your savings or ...hit your gf for a loan- let yor entertainement be TV, music and books ( and sex of course ).

Also , it depends - if this is the first time in 3 months that you want to go out and paint the town red, - hey we are all human, you do need some fun once in a rare while even if it's not the very best possible choice.

If the while is not so rare, and you come up regularly with reasons why should go out , spend money that you do not earn, get wasted and waste all the following day with a massive hangover that steals precious time from your job search, then she would be damn right.

Somehow, I feel we are only getting part of the story.

Some women ARE very controlling, then again it's hard to think that a sensible girl would want to deny you even the smallest pleasures in life, ... for no reason, just because she likes having you under her thumb. Or would threaten you with dumping you just because you want to spend a couple of hours with friends.

As, instead, it would make more sense if your general begaviour indicated a reluctance to grow up and act responsible .. I am curious about your rebellion to " restrictions ". Of course we all cherish our freedom and nobody wants to be restricted by a partner. Then again, it is also true that people who are able to use SELF restraint and SELF control in their daily life , never need to be " restricted "....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016):

I think it may be a difference in personalities and priorities. Is she very hard working? You may be a bit more relaxed about things while she is more strict. To her, the most important thing is to get back on track with a full time job first... to you, it might be taking it slow to find something you actually enjoy doing while taking advantage of this 'break' to spend some time with your male friends.

The solution to this might be for you to talk to her and have her understand that finding a full time job is also your priority, however you just want to take advantage of this temporary time off to hang out with your friends. Invite her occasionally to your gatherings.

Good Luck!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (19 November 2016):

N91 agony auntIf you're doing nothing at all to find a job then she may have a point, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. You need time to relax and chill with your friends and if she's not giving you that freedom then you're more than welcome to tell her how you feel about the situation.

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A female reader, Eagle'sfan1986 United States +, writes (19 November 2016):

First off she can't control you at all by making you focus on your career. And it sounds like you just need to blow some steam with your friends since you loss your job three months ago. Your gf needs to be more understanding since you're always busy teaching part time and learning stuff Monday through Friday. You need a break and just have fun with your buddies. If your gf can't handle it then she isn't the right girl for you at all.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (19 November 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWe all need time and places to wind down sometimes, we also need friends we can hang out with on occasion. It doesn't sound like you are choosing your friends over her (did you leave something out?), so what's her problem. If you girlfriend is trying to control your life, without understandable underlying causes and you feel like running away, then do it! Run away.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016):

Well you say you feel like ruining away when she restricts you and she threatens to leave you when you don't do what she asks. You guys need to be honest and find out if your relationship is something you guys want to work on, because if you guys keep fighting and trying to get over on the other their is no point in continuing since it will just cause pain and stress in the long run.

You guys both need to be honest on what you want and then compromise to make each other happy. otherwise their is no point in continuing.

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