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My girlfriend is needy, jealous, overbearing, irrational, temperamental, possessive and a control freak but says she's NOT insecure!!!!

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Question - (8 February 2007) 20 Answers - (Newest, 5 March 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

Imagine the most overbearing, needy, hyper-jealous, irrational, temperamental, possessive control-freak and thats my girlfriend. She's never been cheated on, I've been dead honest, but she has witnessed friends getting hurt. She believes that she is not insecure, that her behavior only empowers her, and women who trust only get cheated on.

How can I convince her that she is insecure, and that her insecurity is destructive no matter how empowered she feels? I want to stay and help but if she cannot acknowledge her problems than I'll have to leave her.

View related questions: insecure, jealous

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010):

Many times people who are controlling do so because they can't or don't know how to trust, so they decide to try to control situations and people in order to protect themselves, the problem however is their attempts to protect themselves end up hurting the very person/people they are trying to hold on to. The truth is your girlfriend is an abuser because that is what abuser attempt to do their mates control they through being overbearing, irrational, temperamental and possessive. I am not say you should throw her away, because of this problem but you should tell her this behavior must stop and you will help her if she will help you with your issuses, I don't want to sound like a holy roller, but prayer works, inaddition get counseling for both of you, and many times you can get free counseling at local colleges or universities it will give us guys a chance to address the issuses that if go unresolved will break you two apart....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009):

I'm afraid you all are a little wrong about this person. I've been in relationships like this that have gone both ways, with myself being at fault and the other person. But, it takes 2 to tango right? What this is, is a fear of abandonment issue that has come up, a test of honesty within the relationship. This is actually a good thing in a way if you know how to handle it. Obviously you didn't, and have come to the conclusion that it's just some crazy psycho you're in a relationship with.

She's testing you to figure out if you're in for the long haul, which may or may not be true. Your response to this however shows that you weren't ready for a commitment, and neither was she possibly. It's hard to tell in these situations only hearing your side of things, only that you both were unhappy with one another. Just because a person wants you to be close with only them and be monogamous with them doesn't spark the needy, controlling, or any of that other garbage. This person was serious about you, and believed you to be serious about her, but your "actions" (key word there) showed her otherwise, and possibly put her at risk of getting a broken heart.

In defense, she drove you away without being more direct about it by convincing you that you like other people... putting the ball in your hands as to when you wanted to put an end to things. I've done this very same thing in a relationship to shield me from the hurt they would cause me later. Perhaps a previous relationship she had ended badly, or the fear of abandonment came from something deeper, like family. Either way it's all just speculation since we can't hear her side of it. Also, don't reattempt to be with her again, this would be very bad for you.

Sometimes people bring out the worst in eachother, uncovering fears that weren't there before. Also projecting things like jealousy and resentment into the relationship that had no business being there in the first place. I myself was never a jealous or controlling person until being with somebody eventually that just seemed to "bring it out in me". Still, to this day, I have doubts about myself and if that was actually me or not. Sure didn't seem like it from any of the other relationships that I've had. Just once, and it caused me to not trust myself with a person since, and think that all they would do is find a way to cheat on me eventually. All the relationships prior to that one seemed pretty normal however, so it's very confusing for me to think about. Haven't had a relationship since that was serious.

Anyway, a lot of speculation I know, but just try to hear me out. And another thing, it's not good to start throwing out names at the person to inform them of their actions. I'm sure they're quite aware of what they're coming across like, so saying to them "Did you know, that you are needy, jealous, irrational, blah blah blah" isn't really going to bring about some amazing self realization or anything right before your very eyes. You'd just be name calling her and provoking an even worse response.

Take the punches and either leave the relationship, maybe explaining afterward what drove you off, or just end it and walk away. Pure and simple. Nothing can be gained from either of you unless you realize both of your actions and behaviors by seeing things through the other's eyes. Only then will you both truly understand the other clearly. Of course there's other possibilities that come into the picture, friends giving bad advice that don't like you, or family members... but you'd know that better than me.

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A male reader, Lexzy_baba Nigeria +, writes (16 September 2009):

At times ladies' behaviour could be so irritating but as a man, you just have to keep everything under control. Exploit dialogue, talk to her at times in the middle of the night, make her realise she's becoming unbearable and mind you the best way to prevent a way is to get prepared for it. THANKS.

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A male reader, skylark444 United States +, writes (24 August 2009):

OMG, Nospin, I think you nailed the hammer on the head, I just got dumped by a woman like that, and its been real hard since I was and still in to a smaller extent in love with her, It was great for the first six months then went downhill, she twisted everything around to make look like it was all me, with statements like you are the reason I am this way!!! I couldnt walk down the street or watch a movie without some comment or jab like, You like her, you want her!!!! i have been in many relationships and never had this in my life!! she is a sick woman and would love for her to seek help!!! I took my son camping and came home and she tells me she is seeing someone else, and this is after a year and a half and talk of marriage!!!! WoW I dodged a bullet!!! I wonder if it will happen in her new relationship!! Two weeks after she met him she went away with him and is fully in love!! like she was with me, only now she told me if I contact her again she will call police!! this was after sending her two texts and one phone call!! She visited me at work one week before and told me she loves me and is gonna stop it with the new one, kissed me and hugged me, the next morning I get a text saying that im getting hopes up for nothing and Im not gonna stop seeing him!!!!!! WOW what cruel sick woman!!! and I love her and it makes me feel like a idiot! we are in nocontact now and I am useing that to get over her!!! though part of me wants her back and go to counseling together, cause I care!! WHats wrong with me!!! LOL my therapyst says Im too nice!!! so no contact it is and time to heal, but its hard!!! If anyone sees these warning signs get out fast!! before you get hurt like I did!! I am wiser now, and have more wisdom on this matter at least!!!! Gd luck all!!!! skylark

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A male reader, AussieGuy Australia +, writes (21 May 2009):

A girl who feels 'empowered' by her lack of trust, is like a drug addict feeling empowered by their drug of choice. Both are destructive and only the addict is delusional enough to believe they are doing themselves (and those around them) a good service.

Be careful going forward with this one. She sounds crazy.

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A male reader, NoSpin United States +, writes (9 May 2009):

Oh my man, I hate that you are in this situation. "Imow all" (below) is dead wrong, however. This is the perverted pov of a sick, narcissistic, controlling personality - and the exact spin you should be on the lookout for. Certainly anyone in a situation with someone who is controlling and needy, jealous, etc. should do some self evaluation about what their own behaviors contribute to the equation. I don't know you, and am taking for granted that you have done this. However, you can IN NO WAY generalize all men as being the ones who need to "do a little self-analysis." ALL parties do this in a healthy relationship. Additionally, her statement that "Behaviorally, it is your actions to her that generate an elicited response from your girl" is also a deceitful spin mechanism. While we definitely are capable of generating responses from people, people are ultimately responsible for their own behaviors. To say "I am a sassy, jealous, overbearing mule because you treat me this way or that" is 1.) An immature method of handling conflict and asking for your needs to be met and 2.) 100% absolutely not geared towards a SOLUTION.

If anyone really has this mindset, then I pray for them. They will generally experience unhappiness throughout their lives. I once dated and almost married a disillusioned girl from Alabama with this same one-sided, shed the responsibility perception of relationships. She was a really miserable, angry bitch and I am better to be free from her distorted view of life. I spend a great deal of time retro-analyzing the situation and I realize the best move I made was ditching the weirdo. The worst move I made was hanging on for so long. But I gave it my best fighting chance and I lived to tell, too. Next time, I won't be so naive, so for that, I guess I can thank her. Bottom line - give 110% man, but know when its time to respect yourself, too.

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A female reader, lmow all United States +, writes (3 March 2009):

Maybe guys who think the girl is the control freak should do a little self-analysis. Behaviorally, it is your actions to her that generate an elicited response from your girl whether you realize your actions creating her to seem controlling, needy, jealous, overbearing, irrational, temperamental, possessive or not is another story. You need to look at the way you treat her and change it to meet her needs for your relationship. If you did not love her you would not be in the relationship, so change your actions. Stop flirting with others, stop seeking out women to make her jealous, start giving her more time and energy, so she does not have to be needy. She is protecting herself by trying to be temperamental and possessive as she does not want to lose you.

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A female reader, toti United States +, writes (5 January 2009):

hi there

as much as i hate to say it. i'm a bit like ur girl. maybe not so freaky, but definitely jealous and a bit overbearing. ans yes, very very insecure. and yes, she most definitely is too. my boyfriend just used the word overbearing last night for the 1st time. i didn't even know what it meant (my english is not that great) lol but i do realize i am, and i'm willing to work on it. it's tough though and it takes time. if u love her a lot and have the patience for it, then try to work it out. if not, oh well...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008):

Man I really feel for you buddy. But what do you do when you love someone?? How do you approach it? Some of the girls are saying that you should tell her and try to discuss it, but I know how she would react. First she would be hurt, then the hurt turns nasty (like an animal backed into a corner), and you become the reason for everything. It is sooooooooo frustrating, words get twisted until you even start doubting yourself. I'm stuck dude, I have no idea what to do, I am trying to hang in there cause thats what loves about isn't it? Good luck with it brother, I really hope that you two can find a way to get past it. If you learn anything please let me know....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

Your girlfriend is not wife material nor is she a candidate for mother of the year.

I know a girl that displays some of these very traits and upon marrying the man she chose, she has even tried to cut the man's mother out of his life. The man is not even allowed an innocent friendly exchange with a clerk or waitress without an ensuing confrontation and fight with his wife.

Insecure is a nice way to describe a very sick person.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

If it makes you feel better, I'm in the EXACT same boat you are. My girlfriend is nuts. Her logic is based completely on her own subjective feelings of insecurity. If I talk to another girl she thinks its ok to cheat on me! You should get out. I don't think it'll be too hard cuz she gets mad so easily. The key is that she'll probably try to get you back after just a few days or less. That's the time you gotta be strong & say u should just be friends. Warning: if you do that she's probably going to say nasty stuff about you to alot of people. If your girl is like mine she won't like not getting what she wants so she's gonna be nasty in order to make her self feel more in control. I did not follow this advice. I took her back & now I'm stuck with her cuz she's pregant! BE STRONG!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008):

I would go to the doctor's and see if you can get any information to help you both. Make out it's you if that helps. If you go to classes, you will be surrounded by people from all walks of life, who like your girlfriend have a glitch in there personality. Eventually, she will see she has lots in common with these people and though that you will be helping her to get better. I personally am a recovering control freak, married for 20 years and didn't know what I was doing. when he told me he didn't have anything left to give, I woke up and smelt the coffee. Now we're both on anti-depressants,he has deep depression with suicidal tendencies. I'm not suicidal but am sick to think I have caused this.Good luck with your quest.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008):

I have just broken off a relationship with a woman about whom i always had the subjective feeling of being controlled. She was always very easily upset and tears were the norm, and it was difficult to confront her about it because i'd always feel very guilty about her upset, made me think it was all my fault. She was unable to accept that she was controlling. I found myself addressing her needs constantly to the detriment of my own. This really erodes your self esteem. Unless she's prepared to listen to you on this one and make at least the effort to change, GET THE HELL OUT. It's really bad for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007):

If you are looking for advice to salvage the relationship then there must be some positive aspects to it.

When I let it get the better of me, I too am a needy, possesive and controlling girlfriend. It's just as awful from the other side because I can see how much it is destroying the relationship, which makes me need more reassurance. But in the end there is nothing my partner can do but put up with me, though at least I acknowledge the problem and am trying to fix it.

The problem lies with her having low-self esteem, no matter what she says. She is probably terrified that she isn't good enough for you or something bizarre like that. Try to encourage her to better herself, a new hobbie perhaps? She needs something else in her life other than you that gives her pleasure.

In this situation I'm not against "taking a break" from the relationship. As long as you make it clear what the problem is (without being nasty about it) a bit of time apart may make her realise that she can cope on her own. This in turn will lead to her realising that you two are together because you choose to be, not because you need to be for some alterior motive.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007):

My friend you cant as she will never believe that she is in the wrong.I was married to one .She ws insecure when i met her had sweating palms and if you looked or talked to another woman she woulld go in a trance and walk around town on her own.I felt sorry for her and did marry her.I couldnt go out with friends,never cheated and turned into a house pet.Children were on her agenda but now know it was for security,i had two daughters.I have left and she has turned them against me and has gone through the same routine with someone else,he is now in the same position i was,beware.Needy,jealous,overbearing,extremly irrational i would say i wasted some of my life with this girl and have never been happier since,apart from the calls and strange behavior even though been apart 5 years.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007):

I agree with Blue Rat. Why are you with this woman? Sounds like she has major personality issues. This is a sign of red flag. People who are extremely jealous, insecure, hyper-sensitive, overbearring, etc - just like your girlfriend- are not likely to change any time soon, if ever. If you are not happy in your relationship now, you are just going to become more miserable later on!

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A male reader, Blue Rat United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2007):

Do you really need this? What's your reason for wanting to persevere in such a relationship? You don't seem to be married or have any children, so why are you putting yourself through this? Surely we stay with people who we love and who make us happy. You don't say you love her (a telling omission) and she clearly doesn't make you happy. Quite the reverse, I suspect.

She sounds appalling. I'd show her a spot of empowerment of your own if I was you and move on. Find someone who's not a candidate for the nut farm.

Good luck.

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2007):

cd206 agony auntSounds like she doesn't know that relationships can't survive without trust. Are you sure you want to be with this girl? In that whole list of adjectives you used there wasn't one positive! You say yourself there's no reason for her to be needy so you need to sit down and have a proper chat and tell her how you feel when she's constantly waiting for you to cheat on her.

CD

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007):

have you tried telling her that she's needy, jealous, overbearing, irrational, possessive and a control freak? b/c she might need to know that's what you think. it will sting, for sure, but the point is that you love her very much and want to do what you can to help her avoid whatever feelings are causing these undesirable behaviors. but the behaviors can't continue. be straight with her about that.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom + , writes (8 February 2007):

AskEve agony auntTell her the friends she's witnessed getting hurt weren't going out with YOU! Tell her you'd never intentionally hurt her and she needs to trust you more. It sounds to me as if she doesn't have much confidence and self esteem. Let her do this test and see how she fares. Make sure you see her score then read what it says. (See link below.)

http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php

It will let you know if she has any insecuries. The lower her score the more insecure she feels. If this IS the case then she needs to build up her confidence so here is a link so she can do that too. Put in on your favourites just in case you need it.

http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence

Let me know if you need any more help on this.

Eve

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