A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidImagine the most overbearing, needy, hyper-jealous, irrational, temperamental, possessive control-freak and thats my girlfriend. She's never been cheated on, I've been dead honest, but she has witnessed friends getting hurt. She believes that she is not insecure, that her behavior only empowers her, and women who trust only get cheated on. How can I convince her that she is insecure, and that her insecurity is destructive no matter how empowered she feels? I want to stay and help but if she cannot acknowledge her problems than I'll have to leave her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Your girlfriend is not wife material nor is she a candidate for mother of the year.
I know a girl that displays some of these very traits and upon marrying the man she chose, she has even tried to cut the man's mother out of his life. The man is not even allowed an innocent friendly exchange with a clerk or waitress without an ensuing confrontation and fight with his wife.
Insecure is a nice way to describe a very sick person.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): If it makes you feel better, I'm in the EXACT same boat you are. My girlfriend is nuts. Her logic is based completely on her own subjective feelings of insecurity. If I talk to another girl she thinks its ok to cheat on me! You should get out. I don't think it'll be too hard cuz she gets mad so easily. The key is that she'll probably try to get you back after just a few days or less. That's the time you gotta be strong & say u should just be friends. Warning: if you do that she's probably going to say nasty stuff about you to alot of people. If your girl is like mine she won't like not getting what she wants so she's gonna be nasty in order to make her self feel more in control. I did not follow this advice. I took her back & now I'm stuck with her cuz she's pregant! BE STRONG!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): I would go to the doctor's and see if you can get any information to help you both. Make out it's you if that helps. If you go to classes, you will be surrounded by people from all walks of life, who like your girlfriend have a glitch in there personality. Eventually, she will see she has lots in common with these people and though that you will be helping her to get better. I personally am a recovering control freak, married for 20 years and didn't know what I was doing. when he told me he didn't have anything left to give, I woke up and smelt the coffee. Now we're both on anti-depressants,he has deep depression with suicidal tendencies. I'm not suicidal but am sick to think I have caused this.Good luck with your quest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I have just broken off a relationship with a woman about whom i always had the subjective feeling of being controlled. She was always very easily upset and tears were the norm, and it was difficult to confront her about it because i'd always feel very guilty about her upset, made me think it was all my fault. She was unable to accept that she was controlling. I found myself addressing her needs constantly to the detriment of my own. This really erodes your self esteem. Unless she's prepared to listen to you on this one and make at least the effort to change, GET THE HELL OUT. It's really bad for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): If you are looking for advice to salvage the relationship then there must be some positive aspects to it. When I let it get the better of me, I too am a needy, possesive and controlling girlfriend. It's just as awful from the other side because I can see how much it is destroying the relationship, which makes me need more reassurance. But in the end there is nothing my partner can do but put up with me, though at least I acknowledge the problem and am trying to fix it.The problem lies with her having low-self esteem, no matter what she says. She is probably terrified that she isn't good enough for you or something bizarre like that. Try to encourage her to better herself, a new hobbie perhaps? She needs something else in her life other than you that gives her pleasure.In this situation I'm not against "taking a break" from the relationship. As long as you make it clear what the problem is (without being nasty about it) a bit of time apart may make her realise that she can cope on her own. This in turn will lead to her realising that you two are together because you choose to be, not because you need to be for some alterior motive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): My friend you cant as she will never believe that she is in the wrong.I was married to one .She ws insecure when i met her had sweating palms and if you looked or talked to another woman she woulld go in a trance and walk around town on her own.I felt sorry for her and did marry her.I couldnt go out with friends,never cheated and turned into a house pet.Children were on her agenda but now know it was for security,i had two daughters.I have left and she has turned them against me and has gone through the same routine with someone else,he is now in the same position i was,beware.Needy,jealous,overbearing,extremly irrational i would say i wasted some of my life with this girl and have never been happier since,apart from the calls and strange behavior even though been apart 5 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): I agree with Blue Rat. Why are you with this woman? Sounds like she has major personality issues. This is a sign of red flag. People who are extremely jealous, insecure, hyper-sensitive, overbearring, etc - just like your girlfriend- are not likely to change any time soon, if ever. If you are not happy in your relationship now, you are just going to become more miserable later on!
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A
male
reader, Blue Rat  +, writes (8 February 2007):
Do you really need this? What's your reason for wanting to persevere in such a relationship? You don't seem to be married or have any children, so why are you putting yourself through this? Surely we stay with people who we love and who make us happy. You don't say you love her (a telling omission) and she clearly doesn't make you happy. Quite the reverse, I suspect.
She sounds appalling. I'd show her a spot of empowerment of your own if I was you and move on. Find someone who's not a candidate for the nut farm.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cd206 + ♥, writes (8 February 2007):
 Sounds like she doesn't know that relationships can't survive without trust. Are you sure you want to be with this girl? In that whole list of adjectives you used there wasn't one positive! You say yourself there's no reason for her to be needy so you need to sit down and have a proper chat and tell her how you feel when she's constantly waiting for you to cheat on her.
CD
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): have you tried telling her that she's needy, jealous, overbearing, irrational, possessive and a control freak? b/c she might need to know that's what you think. it will sting, for sure, but the point is that you love her very much and want to do what you can to help her avoid whatever feelings are causing these undesirable behaviors. but the behaviors can't continue. be straight with her about that.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (8 February 2007):
 Tell her the friends she's witnessed getting hurt weren't going out with YOU! Tell her you'd never intentionally hurt her and she needs to trust you more. It sounds to me as if she doesn't have much confidence and self esteem. Let her do this test and see how she fares. Make sure you see her score then read what it says. (See link below.)http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
It will let you know if she has any insecuries. The lower her score the more insecure she feels. If this IS the case then she needs to build up her confidence so here is a link so she can do that too. Put in on your favourites just in case you need it.http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence
Let me know if you need any more help on this.
Eve
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