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My girlfriend is insecure. How do I reassure her?

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 February 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 24 February 2010)
A age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm in a cool thing with a girl, but she's so insecure about what I'm doing when I'm not around her. She's always asking did I sleep with her friend, or what I was doing at such and such a time. Or those little word traps they do, like, "do you find (some random woman) attractive?" Meanwhile, I told her that I trust her completely while she's not w/ me, and she seems to like that a lot.

But still she's insecure.. How do I reassure her? Its becoming a bit of a problem over here. Thanks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you... she seems to be coming around a bit. Though, I still have to leave places before her or at the same time so she doesn't think I'm running around on her.

But I sat down with her and said, "I think that i trust you more than you trust me" and she was like "no" and then I said "well why do I never accuse you like you accuse me?" and she said "I don't accuse you" and I'm thinkin' ...what... ok so logic and reason apparently isn't working, so I turn to emotions. "Do you love me?" she says "yes" then I say... "how can you love me, if you don't trust me?" and she says.. "you have to earn my trust" and I say.. "then you don't love me yet".. and she was stumped for a bit..then said "I will not be hurt" and im like.. "then how can you love? to me love is opening yourself up to be hurt and trusting the other person not to hurt you.. Am I wrong?"....and she finally said that I wasn't wrong..

So.. things are still touchy..but better. Thanks for your help everyone

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010):

I wish to say that "anonymous'" content and message is dead on balls accurate: 1. The playing field has got to be equal, and 2. If someone is pointing a paranoid finger, it's likely because they're out there doing the thing(s) they're judging another for. It may or may not apply to your case.

While item 2 is a mere theory, with exceptions, it's still a viable guideline.

Nice write up anonymous, thanks!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (20 February 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntYou have to woo her more and make her think that she is the No.1 on your priority list.

You need to prove your love to her . Try to please her and do all she required from you.

Good Luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010):

First of all, it's not insecurity, it's a trust issue she chooses to have.

Her words and actions are all her doing; she has to choose to trust. Whether you are a source of a past trust violation, or if you are a target for her unresolved trust problem, your helping actions remain the same.

Although, you can assist that change. And in fact, accelerate it if you are genuine. And if your genuine efforts are in the time wherein she is receptive, you may reap the benefits. In consistently being honest in all your dealings, with and without her, if she's open to changing, she'll stack up the consistent evidence of your integrity in her mind until she chooses to believe you live in integrity.

An important remembrance is you are not her punching bag. You should never be a target for her trust problem, and sometimes in true friendship we have to help others see that we are to be treated with respect at all times, even if she's paranoid about your whereabouts and actions. How this looks is for you to not explain yourself. You should, as in any healthy friendship, be happily open about your life; go ahead and casually answer her inquiries, and if she pushes for you to repeat to yourself on the same item, a great approach is to put your arm around her and say, "I feel like I'm being requested to convince you that what I previously stated is true. This puts me in a climate of distrust I never bargained for and must say it is not what I tolerate in a relationship. But I love you, and I understand the process of learning to trust again, but I am not the one to fix you. I will gladly tell you all about my day, yet I need you choose to trust again, and make progress in this matter."

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A female reader, veronika Australia +, writes (20 February 2010):

veronika agony auntTalk to her about WHY she's insecure instead of just telling her "not be insecure". If you get to the root of the issue, it's much easier to solve.

She may have been in a relationship prior to yours where her BF cheated on her or gave her a reason not to trust. There is ALWAYS a reason for someone being insecure and you need to find out what that is so you can both work through this issue.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010):

what i can say is that if some one always thinks you are doing something , they will do it to you ,

lets say you have a business partner and after a while for no reason dose not trust you what do you think he will do ?

if you don't trust how can you be loyal ? the answer is you can't . she don't trust you because of what is going on in her own head and these are the warning signs . the thing is that she looks at you and what you are and thinks so much that you just half to be up to something and let me tell you tell her you love her or want only her and she will never believe you . i may be wrong . what i would do is ( what i always do ) turn it around .

ask her would you do this guy and ask all the questions she dose you and most times with out you telling her she will stop when she sees how stupid it is . i mean i just makes you wander hmmm should i bone her since my girl thinks i would , and if she thinks i would and she stays with me what kind of woman is this , low self worth leads a women to go from guy to guy to fell worth something . what you need to do also is to find out what she believes not thinks ! is so wrong with her that you would never stay with her . low self worth has to be worked at . it's a way of thinking and a way of life to some and it may never go away .

look if it's good ride it out and learn all you can you only live once , learn all you can!!

""if you don't trust me .... i don't trust you ""

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A male reader, Neboraic United Kingdom +, writes (20 February 2010):

Tell her she becomes less attractive with every insecure question, her actions therefore make her worst fear more possible.

Also get her to make the effort to not ask you. We men learn what not to say to women to prevent offending them, she needs to do something similar.

I havent yet mentioned reassurance, which plays an important part in alleviating a girls fears.

From what you say, it seems her fears are superficial, based on looks and sex, tell her that these girls couldnt make you feel the way you feel about her and you would never jepordize something you treasure so much for something so minor. Only use that if emotions matter to her, if its all about sex then say "the sex is great with you, why would i stray".

Is she worried that she is not attractive enough to keep you, or that you cant control yourself, once you understand exactly what the source of her insecurity is, then you can alter your response to get the maximum effect. telling her shes pretty wont help if shes worried that you cant control yourself, and telling her other women arent attractive wont help if she doesnt feel attractive in your eyes.

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A female reader, Chantelle x United Kingdom +, writes (20 February 2010):

Chantelle x agony auntYou just need to be straight with her, tell her how you feel but also tell her that if it carries on, it is going to ruin anything between the pair of you. I confronted my boyfriend recently about not trusting me and now we couldnt be any happier.

Hope this is helpful, good luck. xx

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A female reader, lizzies-t United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2010):

I think you just want to sit down and be a bit candid with her in a caring way. Just assure her that, you know, I feel that you're getting a bit worried about whether you think I'm really yours (don't say that you're insecure. Don't even use the word insecure unless you want to be on the receiving end of some tragic PMS)

Just listen to what she says and you'll finally get to the root of the problem.

It also depends on how long you've been with her. If it's quite a short time, she'll be still a little bit preoccupied with the thought that there might be prettier girls out there that you could easily leave her for, which I'm sure you won't.

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A female reader, Polaroid93 United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2010):

Everything that she is eg. Brunette eg. Funny tell her that's what you like and everything she hates is what you love - always works on me!

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A female reader, adamantine Australia +, writes (19 February 2010):

adamantine agony auntCool thing?

If she's not your girlfriend then of course she would suspect you. There is no commitment and it seems that she wants there to be some in this "thing".

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A male reader, redsox29 United States +, writes (19 February 2010):

You just have to reassure her for awhile. If it still keeps up, then you and her may need to have a talk. Insecurity with women can be common if they have some issues with themselves. Usually I feel like the ones that don't trust, are the ones that don't trust themselves.

If you two just started dating and it's still pretty casual she may need to just be worried that she likes you more than you like her.

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A female reader, lilrosamae United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2010):

well maybe its because of something else, maybe something in the past. Did you ever think of asking her about past relationships? maybe shes had a bad one and is scared to fall again. Dude, its possible

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