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My girlfriend is coming to visit me at uni, but I haven't told my friends here I'm gay!

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey,

Well basically my girlfriend is coming up to see me next week as I'm in uni but my friends don't know I'm gay and I'm scared this will break her heart if I don't tell them who she really is but I'm also really scared to tell my friends I'm gay so i don't know what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

OP why do you think they'll care? I hate to break it to you but there's nothing special about being gay anymore, people mostly don't care because sexuality doesn't matter, especially in college.

Try not to make a big deal out of this. It's college no one cares if you're gay or not. The easiest way around this is when you're organizing nights out and them meeting her just refer to her as your partner. Girlfriend can easily be mistaken for girl friend.

So like text your uni friends things like "so are up for going *pub etc.* tuesday night? my partner is really looking forward to meeting you all and I want to show her some of the places we go too."

OP coming out to people is no longer a thing where you have to sit everyone down, ask them not to judge you and then come out. It's not a thing anymore, it's as big as deal as introducing people to a boyfriend, sister, brother, it's nothing. Just refer to her as your partner any time you mention her before she arrives and you won't have any awkward "oh you're partners? I didn't know she never told us." It'll be more like "it's lovely to meet you, I've heard so much about you."

Just mention it casually beforehand, let them process it and there'll be no awkward moments. Of course you probably won't get a chance to tell everyone and some people might be surprized but none will have a negative reaction to it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

Just say that your girlfriend is coming up next week casuAlly. I'm sure they've guessed

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

OOOOOOOOps my sincere apologies, mis read the question and didnt check the sex of the questioner. Disregard my answer

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

I am surprised they haven't guessed already,especially your girlfriend.

But you do need to come clean, I take it people at Uni arent bothered by it so why would your long-standing friends be?

Its your girlfriend you have to tell more than anyone, she's the one it affects most and before anyone else does, gently and calmly. It needs to be faced and it will be a shock to her,but its better than stringing her along,.

Once the dust settles you can be yourself wherever you go.

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A male reader, jeffcoles2012 United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

jeffcoles2012 agony auntThe only way you can do is not to meet your girlfriend into your friends but it was just a temporary solution. I would still suggest to be your self and let them know who you really are.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

If they are your friends, they will accept you for who you are and what you are.

Sexuality shouldn't make them think any less of you, So tell them :)

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A male reader, oneguy United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

oneguy agony aunt

Miss,

If they are real friends, they will probably yell a little or grumble or complain, but they will not let you go (unless one of those guys loves you and you led him on or something like that).

So go ahead and tell them. And there is neither need nor correctness in you sounding apologetic about it. You are what you are. Are you going to be apologetic about you?! That you have feet, hands, a mouth, a brain and an orientation? NO right? So go and tell them and be happy with your true love.

Cheers!

Regards,

OneGuy.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (11 January 2012):

Hi there. Perhaps you could gauge their reaction by somehow finding out in conversation about how they feel about homosexuals.

How you would do this, without drawing suspicion from them, is up to you.

And it really depends on how close to these friends you are. Are they casual friends, or do you feel pretty close to them - like sisters?

Are they fairly accepting of most people generally? Are they pretty open-minded about most things?

Coming out to people close to you, is a very challenging thing to do, so don't rush into telling them, just for the sake of it.

You have to weigh up, is it really necessary? Would it make any difference anyway?

Most people are fairly accepting of gay people these days, as it doesn't define someone in any way. It's just a sexual preference, which is really neither here nor there.

It certainly, doesn't change who a person is, by any means.

Have a think about how you could break the news to them, if it means that much to you.

It is a big decision.

Are these friends of yours the only people who DON'T know?

Have you told your family?

Depending on whether other people know or not, it's probably not a good idea to just blurt it out to them (your uni friends), if your family don't already know.

If your family didn't already know, you wouldn't want them to find out through the grapevine.

So how and when you tell these friends, really depends on who else already knows.

If no-one else knows, well then definitely tell your family first. That's really important.

And if you feel comfortable with being gay, and other people know, well then it will be easy.

Why I say it would be easy if others know, is because you would have experienced a reaction already. So each time when you tell people, it becomes easier to do.

It would be very difficult to tell anyone for the first time, when no-one else knows.

So my advice is to ONLY tell them, if your family have already been told and accept the way things are.

You want acceptance, and that's what everyone wants in life, and you are naturally wary of people not accepting you for who you are.

The bottom line really, is if you honestly and totally accept that you are gay and are happy with your life, well then others will be accepting of it also.

It really comes down to you.

If you are having any doubts yourself about your sexuality, you are going to have a hard time trying to convince others of it.

Just as long as you are confident and have no doubts yourself, and it will make the job of telling others so much easier for you.

A way you could get around telling your uni friends, is to not bring your girlfriend onto the campus. Then you avoid the situation altogether.

Do you live at the campus? Or, do you live in a private residence?

Before your girlfriend is due to arrive in town, call her to organise to meet her somewhere - and tell her why, so you don't have to explain why you kissed her passionately on the lips.

That would require an explanation from you, because you would get the reaction you probably feared. They (your friends), would know it for themselves - without you saying a word. So there would be some surprised expressions on their faces. They would know then, anyway.

So for this reason, think about it seriously before deciding whether to tell them.

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A male reader, Beanscat United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

Well you should tell your friends your gay. If they're truly your friends they wont care that your gay and try to support you as much as they can. I was nervous about telling my friends that I am bi but they just showed understanding and have been supporting me ever since

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