A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is not very adventurous in the bedroom.I have tried to add some variety etc, (positions, toys, chocolate body paint, some gels, clothes, etc) But she is like a dead fish.. she doesn't really move much, she lets me.. do.. ALL the work, she does, like no foreplay or fuckall. But she just won't do nothing. ._.She only changes position when I ask, otherwise I'd be ontop 24/7. And even then, she is not very open to positions. We have like, only done.. Missionary, Cowgirl, Doggy, And like 3 others. But she won't try ANY others. She only let me used a little vibrator ONCE after having it for 3 months!, and i used that on her clit. And she won't use it again.She only used the chocolate body paint once, and she wont use that again either.Meh, the main thing thats the problem is that she does not say nothing.. and does not move unless I move her. I do like a mild-dominant girl, who likes to throw me down and stuff, but my girlfriend atm, just won't do anything like that.. she doesn't even speak to me, unless i speak first.She is a very shy person, with very little confidence.The reason she has little confidence is because, she has 32A breasts (and she hates it, altho i love it heh).She's 5 foot 8, but she is only 7.5 stone (very skinny). But she does eat loads, her whole family are naturally skinny.And she has a little "hormonal" problem, with her nipples, where like she has a little "extra" skin on her nipple, which can get quite hard and rough. But I have proven to her many many times I dont give a shit about it. But, she wont let me touch them, and she swats my hand away from her breasts 70% of the time because of it. (only if shes naked etc)I just don't know what to do o.0We did have a talk a month or so ago, and well, she got really upset because she won't do much in bed.. (Shes not very open minded), and because she got so upset, and she started saying shes really sorry she won't do much she doesn't know why.. and she said i should leave her then if its not enough. I just couldn't stand it, so i just hugged her, and reassured her that shes fine, i was just curious. I couldn't bring myself to bring up that she won't move much in bed, and shes... boring... basically.So what should I do? :S
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male
reader, woodzey21 +, writes (11 August 2008):
to the response 29/may/2008 anouminous female,sorry but what the fuck r u on about, 1st off, RAPE is wen a female or male does not consent to intercourse, there are no ifs or buts, simple, his partner does not refuse, just acts like she is not interested and lays like a dead fish as stated. if she said no then fair enough he would have to stop no buts, but she doesnt, i believe if you are with a partner and have been for a few yrs or so then they are obviously commiting themselves to you, and sex is a big part of a healthy relationship, for most people, if you try something once and dont like it fair enough, but she needs to tell him tht 1st. 2nd how is he being selfish? he wants to be a normal guy in a normal relationship, not fucking a bag of spuds, how is he not putting her feelings 1st? he is frustrated and rightly so, maybe he could talk more to her and ask her wot she wants but lets be honest how many women actually ask the man what he wants. before you think of tht answer, google it n see for yourself, only 19% who compleated this survey (500) answered tht they put there partners needs 1st, oh my god, thts like so bad, but i no tht in my own relationship, anywaym think bout what you say, mentioning RAPE s a very serious thing and you obviously dont understand the point he is making. how would you feel if you were unsatisfied and wanted toi ask for help andc someone said you were "TECHNICALLY" raping her,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Hey! She probably doesn't want to do something that will make you think she's a slut. I used to be like that with my boyfriend (of course i didn't know) and once my boyfriend told me, I was NOT shy in bed even once after that. Have you told her? If you did and that didn't work, make her masturbate in front of you. That may help. And if that STILL doesn't work, tell her you WANT her to act like a slut.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Treat her with some respect, romance and tenderness, lay aside your selfish desire to get laid for a while, and put her first. Sex is about intimacy between two people, and about giving the OTHER person pleasure. If you want to 'get off', use your hand!!Couldn't hurt to try could it?Also be VERY careful about having sex with her if she seems unresponsive. MERE SUBMISSION is not consent. If you are having sex with her and she's really not up for it, but going along with you for a quiet life, you are, according to the law, raping her.
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A
female
reader, Gio  + ♥, writes (29 May 2008):
Hi! The main problem is her lack of confidence in herself, in her own body, at least that is what it looks like. Basically, you are having good sex if you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, and good about waht you are doing. ?If we’re struggling with body image issues or suffering from poor self esteem, we’re again unlikely to have good sex. Perhaps your girlfriend is viewing sex just as intercourse? If so, this can lead to pretty boring and unsatisfying sex. Sex therapists, who help people withsexual difficulties, almost always prescribe a ban on intercourse as part of therapy. Basically, they ask couples to stop having intercourse so they can learn how tohave really fulfilling sex.Lets use the sky as an example. When you look up at the sky on a beautiful clear night, you don’t usually concentrate in on just one star and on how great it is. You take in the glory of the whole sky. Intercourse is justone small part of sex, like one small planet in the vast galaxy of erotic possibilities that make up sex. If youfocus on that one small planet, you’re going to miss the rest. To help your girlfriend find out what sex is all about, you need to teach her how to explore the otherhighly erotic planets in the galaxy. Doing so will enhance your intimacy and your sexual satisfaction.You may very well find that you have a better sex life if you forget about intercourse and instead becomea creative “galactic explorer”. You might start by thinking about each of the senses – touch, taste, smell, hearing,and sight – and coming up with a list of pleasures in each of those areas.These need not be sexual pleasures; just things that bring you intense enjoyment. A fruit, the sound of the waves, the scent of cinnamon, the feel of silk, intimate talk – these are just a few examples to get you started. Start building sensual pleasures like these into your life in all kinds of situations, not just sexual ones. Thiswill begin to wake up your senses and deepen your enjoyment in everyday life. Then bring that heightened sensitivity into your sexual life. See what you can bring into the bedroom that would stimulate sensual pleasure.How does a feather feel on the back of your/her knee? How does it feel to have a recording of the ocean playingwhile you/she runs the rough (or smooth) edge of a seashellalong her/your inner thigh? Be creative Build this kind of pleasuring activity into each and every sexual encounter,whether you go on to have intercourse or not. Remember: the goal is pleasure and connection, not intercourseand orgasm! That’s what great sex is really all about.I am copying here an exercise that I read recently, and that may help you get started:#1This exercise is designed to help you get in touchwith all the areas of your body and learn about howand where you like to be touched, and how yourwhole body can respond to loving touch. It is an exercisein awakening your senses and experimentingwith different sensations.The goal is NOT to become sexually aroused, but tolearn about how your body responds to touch. Youmight become aroused and that’s fine, but do NOTproceed to having intercourse.Each partner will take a turn at giving and receivingpleasure. Set aside at least an hour for this experience.The room should be comfortably warm and you needto arrange not to be disturbed. Turn off the phone.Warm the lotion. You might also want to use candles,music, aromatherapy, or whatever else would enhancethe sensuality of the experience.Partner A is to simply lie back and enjoy the experience.He/she disrobes and lies on his/her stomachfirst. He/she may want to close their eyes in order tofocus more effectively on bodily sensations and feelings.Partner B should begin by putting lotion on theirhands and beginning to caress and touch Partner A’sbody beginning just under the hair line at the back ofthe neck and ending with the bottom of the feet. ThenPartner A is asked to turn over onto their back andbeginning with the face, Partner B pleasures the frontof their body, excluding the breasts and genitals. (Thisapplies to both males and females.)You are asked not to talk during the experience exceptto tell the pleasuring partner if the touch needs to bemodified to make it more pleasurable. If one area isparticularly pleasurable, you might want to ask thepleasuring partner to spend a little more time in thatarea.The entire process should take at least twenty minutesper person.At the end of the pleasuring, both partners might wantto rest for a few minutes before trading places. ThenPartner B should simply lie back and enjoy beingpleasured while Partner A strokes and caresses him/her using the same process as before.Don’t discuss the exercise with your partner rightaway. If you want to make a few notes in your journalabout what this was like for you, go ahead. Thenchoose a time when you can be uninterrupted laterand discuss the experience using these “lead-ins”:“What I liked best about the experience was...”“The type of touch I enjoyed most was...”“I loved it when you...”“Next time we do this, I’d love you to try...”Focus on the positive, and what felt best for you,physically and emotionally. Do this exercise severaltimes before moving to the next one.#2Set up this exercise in the same way as #1. You will proceed the same way except that this time you will include breasts and genitals in your touching. However, include them only as you include all other parts of the body – Don’t spend any extra time or attention on these areas. Again, your goal is not sexual arousal, but simply becoming aware of your response to being touched, learning more about what you like. Pay attention to the sensations and feelings you experience-— both the kinds of touchthat enhance your pleasure and touches that blockpleasure.Again, the entire process should take at least twentyminutes per person. Repeat the exercise at least twice,and discuss the experience some time later using the“lead-ins” above.Anyway, I hope you will find this of assistance. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict + ♥, writes (29 May 2008):
 I think you need to be trying to give her the confidence and the desire - because right now it sounds like she really doesn't have either.
I would suggest that the best way to approach this is to concentrate on her pleasure and forget, for the moment, all the things that you might like to do. It may well be that she won't or can't tell you what she really likes, and she may not have even thought about it properly. So you have to find out. I don't mean different positions or toys or bodypaint, I mean things like what part of her does she particularly like touched and how and in what way - and then concentrate on giving her pleasure.
If she doesn't tell you then you have to be super-sensitive to her reactions. An intake of breath, a twitch or wriggle, closing her eyes - or opening them wide. Don't expect her to do anything to you or for you - that will come in time. Once you know you are giving her pleasure and have done it regularly, then you may be able to combine it with some of the things you are keen to try.
Another possibility (doesn't work for everyone - be careful you don't upset her) is to suggest looking at some erotica on the Internet together. If you think that's too much for her, then try going through some lingerie sites together to see what clothes she might like. It doesn't have to be anything extreme. Start with the mainstream stuff you would find on, for example, Littlewoods or Kays or Dorothy Perkins or Next - all the standard clothing catalogues - and maybe "graduate" to Anne Summers and onward from there if it's going well.
One little (slightly "kinky"!) suggestion - on the basis that you said you like a mildly dominant girl - perhaps when she's in the right frame of mind you might suggest that you really, really want to be tied to the bed. And that you don't want her to do anything except that. Few women could resist playing with their partner when he's naked and helpless like that! Although I suppose you do risk spending a rather uncomfortable evening stuck there while all she does is goes downstairs and watches the television... Just an idea.
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A
male
reader, jumboshrimp  +, writes (29 May 2008):
this is a hard one (pun might be intended). it seems like you have been working on this alot. from what ive read you have tried pretty much everything (talking to her bein the most important one).
maybe its about time to stop working on it for a while?
stop taking control and stop asking for sex, but make sure to be ready if she would ask and only follow her command.
it might also be a good idea to let her know if you are going through with this.
another idea might be to get her interested in porn movies somehow. if she starts watching them and likes it she might get inspiration. but i fear that it might be a very difficult given what you wrote about her.
other than that, try talking to her again. try to ask her questions instead of you telling her what you feel. let her do the talking. if you cant properly talk in a relationship im afraid it will be very hard to maintain it. people need to understand eachother. if they dont you will constantly get all the arguments and one or both of you will start feeling suppressed.
a good relationship in my eyes is based on honesty and openness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Well I don't think she trusts you plain a simple. The stupid thing is that you appear to have proven to her that she should trust you and you obviously care.
I don't really know what to do to help you. She just seems like a prude. No offence to her but again it's all her option and she doesn't appear to want to trust you or change anytime soon.
I'd do anything for my man, i trust him completely and i'm a 32b and he makes me feel like i have the hottest boobs in the world, I'm open to anything and I'll try it once if it's not really my thing and I don't like it I tell him and we don't do it again.
There has to be some give and take in a relationship.
How old is your girlfriend? Maybe she's just not ready for all this and you may need to focus on other parts of your relationship first. to me sex is one of if not the most important thing to me and us having fun it's ours and ours only and no one is a part of it so it's special for us.
Maybe your girl just isn't comfortable with all of it yet and you may need to focus on other stuff for a while and back off. Let her initiate next time.
Good luck
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