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My girlfriend is acting distant and won't talk to me.....

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 November 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I really could use some advice concerning my girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for about a year. I am 30 and she is 39. She works two jobs and I work and go to school, so we would really see each other on the weekends and once in a while during the week. Everything was going well, until about 3 months ago when her family (who lives in another state) began having problems. Her brother was involved in a crippling accident, and shortly thereafter her parents decided to split up. She has had a tremendous amount of stress on her with helping and dealing with all these family issues. I have tried to support her and be there...but she doesn't talk about her feelings at all. I have tried to give support and space at the same time, but it has gotten to the point where everything annoys her. Thing is, she won't talk about anything. she just shuts down and won't talk. Yet, she got upset with me because when she would call me, our conversations were light because anything I would say irritated or annoyed her. It has been frustrating.

She has really changed, and I'm not sure what to do about it. She says things like she's tired of us not seeing each other more...but then other times gets annoyed that I ask her to go out, because she says she doesn't have enough time to herself. I feel like I'm in a no win situation, regardless of how I treat her.

Last weekend was one of those situations. I had gone out with friends the weekend before while she was visiting her mom. She seemed a little jealous that I had gone out without her. The problem is...I offered to go with her to visit her mom, and she told me that I should stay. I got up at 4 am to take her to the airport, took care of her cat and things while she was away, and was right there when she got off the plane to come home. When she got back, things seemed OK...but then this past weekend I asked her to go out, and she was wishy washy. She did not want to go out with my friends...so I made plans for her and I to go out somewhere. When we got to the club, she wasn't happy...so I offered to take her to another place where her friends were hanging out. Once we got there...she just ignored me. She had a good time with her friends, but obviously wasn't happy with me. After being ignored for a while, I went off to chat with some friends of mine. At the end of the night..she wouldn't say a word. I took her home, and she wouldn't talk to me...I asked her what was going on between us...why are we having so many problems...and she wouldn't say anything. She seemed teared up..and only mumbled a few things...that I had hurt her...and she was tired of the situation. I asked her if she loved me, and she said yes...and then left. She wouldn't let me come up, or answer the phone..just walked away. I waited a few minutes and sent her a text telling her I was very sorry for hurting her any way I have....and if she wanted me to leave her alone...i would respect that, and that I loved her.

It has been a week, and I have not heard from her at all. I have not contacted her...figuring that if she wanted to talk or make things better, she would contact me. As you can guess...I'm really confused and not sure what to do. All her friends are single, and I think that is playing a factor in this..as well as all the stress in her life. I don't want to make her life more stressful, but I don't really want to lose her. Anyway...I've debated on if I should text her once more to apologize for what ever it is that she thinks I did to hurt her...or try to give her a call to see if she is alright. But...I already apologized to her (I don't even know what I did, and she won't tell me...) so part of me just wants to move on with my life. I wonder if she is waiting for me to call so we can talk...or if she doesn't want to talk to me? Before all the stress in her life...things were very good and normal...and I do love her very much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

View related questions: jealous, move on, split up, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008):

i think she should read this what you just wrote. It sounds very clear that you care about her, there is no dark spots. Keep in mind though, her life changed dramatically, she probably misses her old self, still ajusting to new events. I's touhf to deal with someone like that, but sounds like you want it to work. A little patience, don't keep silence, maintain contact. See how long you can last.

Of-course straight talk is always the best. Good luck

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A female reader, Teacake United States +, writes (22 November 2008):

Teacake agony auntThis is indeed a very confusing situation. Just leave her a message to say you are confused about what is going on. You aren't a mind reader and if she won't open up to you - that you are at a loss. Then tell her its up to her to contact you. Does she want to stay with you or not because its only fair to you to move on if she isn't interested.

maybe in time she will come around, but she is a wreck at the moment and she is probably confused too.

Best to you ! You sound like a very caring man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008):

Well, well, lets see here. First off you don't know what you did. In my opinoin, being a female, it doesn't take much to hurt us. Little things really matter. She is 39 and wants more in life especially with everything going on. I don't know if I could deal with all of that stress. I do on the other hand think that you should call her. Show her you care. Women and men alike are very stubborn and making the first call is something that just does not come easy. You talked about making plans and then you took her to a club. I don't know, but a club??? That's more of the single scene in my town. I would have thought more about a well planned out dinner, you have got to get a woman in the right mood to talk especially if things have been hard on her for a while. It sounds like you guys are so busy that you don't have time for one another and that is the whole structure of a relationship, especially with your age group. I am married, but only in my twenties and while I was dating spending time with my special person was my number one priority. I know there are bills and school, but there is also love. I was going to school, working and he was a manager and a salesman so time was a struggle, but we always had time. Making time is what you have to do. Call her and ask her if you can talk. And not a phone conversation, that is high school... Plan something... out of the ordinary, not a club, or a crowded restuarant.... how about a park or a dinner you made at your home. candles wine, a card??? go the extra mile to show her how much you really care.... hope it all works out.

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