A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:For well over a year my gf has been cold towards me. Some of this I explained in my earlier question - not allowing me to say I love you or express my feelings to her etc. Also she as rejected me sexually for nearly 18 months. At the start she used to say that she was feeling strange. Then that she had pain when we made love sometimes. At this I was concerned and suggested making an appointment with the Doctor but she refused. Then it develped in to her just 'not feeling sexual any more'. Through all this period I tried to give her space when she needed it and also I told her that she was attractive and tried to continue talking. Eventually I realised that nothing was changing. She also hasn't wanted to kiss me for about a year. Although I felt a lot of rejection I tried to carry on hoping that things would settle down but when I found notes of hers saying she doesn't love me, that she would like to meet someone else etc I kind of started to give up.Today she was crying saying she feels I don't want her any more and asking me if I think she would make a bad mother becasue she is so messed up. i felt so sorry for her but at the same time i still feel she doesn't love me. I am confused by this breakdown of hers and it really hooks in to my natural instinct to care for her. I feel i need a bit of space to see what she does next and also how I feel but not sure how to go about it without a complete break up.I guesss I can't walk away. Something stops me at the moment and I can't get it clear in my head why it is.I'm torn and very concerned for her and worrying about the whole thing. And work is draining becasue of it. I would be greatful of any advice or thoughts you may have. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): one thing to be aware of is that it is very easy to put other peoples needs before your own. I amnt going to tell you what to do but make sure you know what you want and ensure that you realise your own needs. You are only responsible for your own happiness.
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (3 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much your responses here. It is thought provoking to read so many replies which take a similar viewpoint. My gf was crying again yesterday. She says that she has given up so much to be with me. She gave up her accommodation which was rent free for the last 4 years. This she regarded as her independance. She wants a house with land and outbuildings to turn in to a studio - basically 'nice situation' as she refers to it. Last night she remembered that it was her grandmothers birthday but that she had forgotten to send a card. She asked if we could send some flowers and although I was working I arranged this. I was happy to do this but she made no offer to share the cost even though it is her Grandmother and that I have only met her 4 times.
It's true that I am too deep in this relationship to be objective. I do feel that she has some issues that sheneeds to deal with, perhaps with a counsellor but I aslo know that she has nothing. If I leave her - (even for a while - to see if she can face her issues) I feel she will struggle financially and it really gets to me if if I think of er like this. She seems depressed and is wishing she were 10 years younger because I think she is realising she has spent 20 years 'enjoying' herself and not having children. This seems now to be really affecting her and I feel terribly sorry for her. I wanted children and would still but I now feel that she is so desperate that it is more important for her to try for a baby than to be with the right person. Because of this I have unconciously begun to withdraw from her. I have almost given up trying to be intimate or even feeling this. It is sad to me that my feelings are so mangled and crushed and that she has only just started to wakeup to what is important in life.
I think she needs to work or pursue something in her life rather than drift from day to day. But she will not get a job unless it fits in to her narrow area of work interest. She has done one job this year and sold a few hundred pounds worth of creative work. I both feel sorry for her and admire her resilience in not giving up. ts not a good coominationof feelings.
thank you for your continued su[ort. It is starting to clarify things for me by sharing my situation. For too long I have been locked in to this alone.
Thanks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): It seems to me that your girlfriend is having a classic case of depression.Mine did too.The sex gets painful coz they can't respond.The depressed ones may feel suicidal.Before it gets too late make sure she gets some help.
Kevin
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Hi, I only have time for a quick answer, so I apologize.
Divide this into three areas: her mental health, your mental health and the health of the relationship as a whole. The organism cannot be healthy if a part of it is ill; she clearly has an issue but is not dealing with it. It has affected your relationship in deep and hurtful ways--damaging it and by extension, you. Your mental health is at risk here, you are losing perspective and are in so deep you cannot cope.
If you were my friend asking for advice, I would tell you to give her the ultimatum to seek help. In the meantime, put the relationship on hold and let her get on with helping herself, as you clearly have not been successful in getting her to help herself. Maybe this will be the jolt she needs to get on with confronting the issue, whatever it is. Menopause, depression, chemical imbalance, neurosis, past trauma, who knows? The point is that you have done what you can and it is now evident that this is not a healthy relationship.
Walk away for now, down the road if she has sought help and has improved, you might be in a position to be with her again, but until she does, you are throwing away your precious time. Just biding your time and waiting for her to get better isn't doing it.
Google "borderline personality disorder" just to see if anything sounds familiar. My guess is depression but who knows? You can't change her, you can only change you.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I remember your previous question and I'm surprised you haven't left yet. I suppose that you will finally leave when you'd had enough of being disrespected. This woman emotionally manipulates you every day and every day you forgive her anew.
You can worry and care about someone and NOT be with them. You can see and acknowledge someone's pain without making yourself part of it. Once you are able to do so, your life will undoubtedly improve.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Dude its over, as harsh as that is you need to take yourself off to a mirror, look yourself in the eye and tell yourself its over and that you deserve better, Its time to move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Your girlfriend is using you - she has all the security she needs without having to have sex with you... that is not love.
She makes you feel guilty if she gets a hint that the relationship might be falling apart... emotional blackmail comes to mind...
Sit down with her and tell her your concerns and tell her that you cannot continue living like a monk - and then move on with your life....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): You can't walk away because you have a fear of being alone... just like everyone. If your girlfriend has sexually rejected you for a year and a half then it's time you moved on.
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