A
male
age
26-29,
*auly2000
writes:So me and my girlfriend have been going out for about four months. We're both virgins but she isn't interested in sex at all. She says she feels no sexual desires at all which is frustrating because she's always leaving me with blue balls. She says that she's squeamish about cum so when I get all erect kissing her in bed I'll have to finish myself off in the toilet. Is this normal? How can I ignite a sexual spark in her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): It’s ethical to have sex with an asexual if both people consent. An asexual person is no different than anyone else. Some asexuals want sex, some don’t. Most gay people want sex, but some don’t. Most straight people want sex, but some don’t.My comment also doesn’t say you can’t connect emotionally through intellectual conversation, just that asexuals can want and enjoy sex, for various reasons, particularly the emotional connection. It’s just an additional way to emotionally connect, like with anyone else.Pauly’s girlfriend may be asexual, but she could still want sex - just not yet, not with him, no/little libido, etc. Her being asexual would just mean she doesn’t experience much sexual attraction, if any. That’s why the reason isn’t “she’s asexual”; it’s “she’s not ready, doesn’t want sex, not with him, no libido, etc.”, whether she’s asexual or not. An asexual can deal with libido any way anyone else can. Libido is built in and fluctuates. Some people, particularly women, can be attracted to someone romantically and that’s what their libido responds to, even if they’re also sexually attracted to someone. It’s not always sexual attraction that makes someone crave someone else; it can be an emotional connection - like how some people’s libidos spike when they see their partner taking on a maternal/paternal role during pregnancy/with their children. You can also see someone as attractive without it being sexual attraction.This is probably not the thread to discuss it further because it’s irrelevant to Pauly’s case. Whether she’s asexual or not, that’s just a label and there will be reasons behind this situation, like “not ready, doesn’t want it at all, doesn’t want it with him, etc.”
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (5 June 2019):
 Honestly, When a person has no interest in sex OR no interest in sex with a particular person, OR is not ready to have sex, And when that person invites the undesired person to bed, and kissing in bed, then there is some kind of deceit going on. Is Pauly deceiving, or deceived? I don't know. Pauly, would you like to tell us?
Note: I do have to consult and research on some of these questions. I know a sex averse asexual. She would fit Pauly's description of his 4 month girl's reasons against sex. But she would not be interested in kissing and bed. I believe she can become emotionally intimate through intellectual conversation.
Can an asexual person have a sexual relationship?
is it ethical to have sex with an asexual?
Would you say that an asexual libido is undirected?
Does Pauly think we are going down a rabbit hole he has no interest in?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): FA, I am asexual, but I also like the intimacy and emotional connection that comes with sex. Not all asexuals don’t want sex or have no libido. Whether she’s asexual or not, this is about their libidos, being ready or not, whether he turns her on, etc. Even if she is asexual, it’s about whether she wants sex or not and if/when with Pauly.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (4 June 2019):
She feels (according to her words) "no sexual desires at all". But she exhibits quite a bit of sexual jealousy. see: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-cant-see-my-point-of-view.html
Pauly is exhibiting some impatience and headstrongness. The advice here is good but I really worry that Pauly's girlfriend is a true Asexual and not just a garden variety demisexual.
In the UK where sex at 16 is common a pair of 22-25 year-old virgins probably have some good reasons for their sexual status. Religion, orientation along the asexual- horndog spectrum, personal comfort levels. Whatever.
My advice is to m=not be in a big hurry to get down to sex. First get to the bottom of that jealousy thing. Work out an exclusivity agreement that bout of you understand and accept. What I'm saying is it would be silly to work out a sex agreement when she is going to break up after you go on holiday anyway.
If you think she is the one, if you think you want a long term relationship (10 + years), then you need to start having serious communication about relationship expectations. 4 months is not too early for that. 4 months is making an investment in each other. 4 months is time for some emotional intimacy.
Pauly, you need to interact with us. We can't give you better advice without feedback.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): Do you actually care anything for her, or are you simply attempting to lose your virginity???
Maybe it isn't that she has no interest in sex. She's not ready, and not totally convinced she wants sex WITH YOU!!!
There isn't a single molecule of sensitivity in your post! There is no such thing as "blue-balls!" You're simply disappointed that she won't submit and have sex with you!
If you feel anything at all for her; I suggest you work on helping her to get to know you better. Make her feel cared for and appreciated; not like she's your living blow-up doll!
Semen isn't particularly something anyone really cares to ponder over! Maybe when she feels captivated by your manly-charms and intoxicated under your seductive spell; she will surrender herself to you. Maybe never!
You're almost coming across like a horny adolescent, or booty-chasing frat-boy! That, apart from semen, is the real "turn-off!"
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 June 2019):
Pauly 2000,
I'm going to make a couple of very serious suggestions. First Please reply to every on of your subject threads so we can look up your posts.
When reviewing your prior post about this particular girlfriend - http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-cant-see-my-point-of-view.html - It appears that there may be serious control issues in this relationship.
Secondly don't treat the issues as separate. Combine your issues in one thread. It's ok to ask new questions.
After reviewing both threads, I think you really need counseling to get through this. We can share our experience and things that generally work. In your case general is not going to be enough.
There is a big difference between not ready for sex and not interested in sex. My daughter identifies as asexual.
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (3 June 2019):
These things take time. Especially if you're both virgins. You can't push her to have sex, she will let you know when she's ready.
I was in the same situation as you when I was in college. We were both 19 and virgins. In my case, it took 7 months of being in a relationship with her before she told me that she'd like to have sex.
So just be patient. If she wants to have sex, she will let you know.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 June 2019):
This is very normal for an asexual person. Asexual persons are not very common. Probably around 1% of the population.
If she really is asexual, which is exactly how she is describing her sexual interest, then there is likely nothing you can do to ignite a spark.
You should probably invest in some counseling individually and as a couple before committing to a long term relationship together. This is one of the hardest situations to build a relationship around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2019): At just four months in your relationship it may just be way to early for sex yet.Gasp...some people are even engaged five years and wait until they are married to have sex.It is way too soon for her stop pushing yourself on her she is not ready.And really I do not think you are ready either.I say that because of the way you talk about yourself.Love is not selfish...love is patient and kind.You both are nowhere near ready.I hope you two have been using birth control....because the pull out method does not work.She needs to be on the pill or iud and you need to wear a condom every single time.I do not think you are cause she says it's messy.Before you even have sex you both should be s.t.d. tested have you even done that?I really didn't think so.You are so not ready.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2019):
 OP,
1. it's ONLY been 4 months of dating, maybe she isn't REALLY ready for full on sex.
2. She doesn't OWE you to "finish" you off.
3. If you two spend time on her bed and that causes you to get an erection and her to NOT want to deal with that... maybe you two should stay out of the bedroom or stop kissing and grinding on each other?
4. I GET that it's NORMAL for you to get an erection when you are making out with her - but it is JUST as normal that someone (like her) IS NOT WANTING SEX or READY for sex. And you HAVE to respect that. The MORE YOU push the more she is going to pull away.
It's not UP to you to spark ANYTHING in her. When SHE is ready, she is ready.
IF you want sex, SHE isn't the one for you.
The world doesn't revolved around your dick.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 June 2019):
 Just to add, it's not unusual to be squeamish about bodily fluids. Some will say she's immature or just not ready, but some people just can't stomach dealing with blood, ejaculate, vomit, etc., no matter how natural it is. You just have to use condoms and have a towel ready to clean up. It's doable, WHEN someone is ready to have sex.Whoever you have sex with needs to be on birth control every single day and you need to wear condoms every single time - whether your partner is squeamish about ejaculate or not.As a side note, maybe you're not turning her on. So yes, maybe she's not ready yet or not interested in sex, but it could be that you're not doing anything for her that makes her want anything sexual. The first time with intimacy also doesn't have to lead to sex - many people take it in steps to get comfortable with each other.Be patient and ask nicely, OP. Be open and honest, but not accusatory, and LISTEN to how she feels. Gently find out what her reason is. Suggest condoms and towels, if she says it's because she's squeamish. Reassure her, but also work out if you're compatible, based on this discussion with her.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 June 2019):
Either she wants to wait a bit longer (4 months isn't very long) or she just isn't ready/wanting to have sex and you're not compatible. Lots of people wait anywhere from 6+ months before having sex with someone, especially if a virgin. She may be asexual, but that would just mean she doesn't experience much (if any) sexual attraction to anyone - many asexuals still want intimacy. It's more likely that she's just not got a high libido or isn't ready yet.Stop getting into hot and heavy situations, if you feel teased. That said, kissing in bed doesn't have to lead to sex, OP - so yes, it's also normal to have to take care of things yourself if a make out session turns you on that much, just like it's normal for it to lead to sex.ASK if she feels rushed. ASK if she's not ready. Don't wait until you're in the moment or be impatient with her. It's time to find out if you're incompatible or if she just needs a few more months to trust you enough to have sex for the first time. A lot of the time, people (particularly women) need strong feelings and trust to "lose" their virginity to someone. Many need to feel they love the person and that takes longer that 4 months - it just means reducing the hot and heavy stuff, so you don't get turned on too much. She doesn't owe you sex or similar just because you're making out in bed. You need to calmly ask her how she feels, so you can figure out if you're compatible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2019): Your girlfriend doesn't want to be 'ignited'. She has either a pathological dislike of messiness or is asexual. None of these things she is interested in changing by the sound of it. She's a virgin by choice, you are not. As she is happy with the status quo, and you aren't you need to break up with her and find someone else. It is not shallow or basic to break up with someone who doesn't want to connect with you physically, but don't use it as a threat (I'll break up with you unless you have sex with me) as that is coercive and weird. It's not unnatural to not like sex, it's just very very much less common than to like/love sex. Unluckily for you, you've found someone who is like that.A final word- if she decides she is willing to try sex because you suggest breaking up, be very careful- do you really want to be having sex with someone who really didn't seem like she wanted to until you wanted to break up over it? Sex is definitely best with an enthusiastic partner, not one who feels backed into a corner. That's not far off something else- who wants to be part of that. This isn't someone who wants to but is a bit nervous, it's someone who 'has no sexual desire'. Sorry buddy, break up and find a woman who wants enthusiastic sex with you, there's loads out there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2019): leave her. nothing will change. If she isn't interested in sex then she should not have a boyfriend who is.
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