A
male
age
36-40,
*ottenhamhotspur
writes:I have a wonderful girlfriend- we get along super well and even though we have disagrements, we never fight and have a great chemistry.A few years ago, she came out of a bad relationship where the guy she was with would insult her, call her 'stupid', a 'whore'- that sort of vile language, and slapping was part of her sexual routine at that point. Out of the blue a few nights ago, she slapped me in the face playfully (not during sex, just while laying around together) and i asked her what she was doing. She told me that sometimes it just happened when things got intense for her and I became rather upset, as I HATE the idea of any sort of violence or simulated violence in the bedroom- period. we talked for a little while, and she broke down about it. When I talked to her further about it, she told me that she wasn't sure why she slapped me- that a part of her had let that activity become 'normalized', but seemed to be more of a product of an unhealthy relationship. She told me that she realized that this wasn't something she needed and we talked about what OUR idea of healthy sex was- and she assured me we were on the same page and wanted the same things. I feel that part of her may still enjoy the activity of face slapping because she associates it with sex, but also makes her very upset because she says that she is not into it. She said she didn't know why she slapped me and that part of the reason might have been to test me to see if every guy was like this. The problem is now with me. I have a hard time believing her. I know I should and I know I need to trust her, but I find it so hard to drop the issue. I love this girl and want to let her put her past in the past.I keep worrying that she is just dropping that part of her sexual behavior 'for' me, but she assures me that if it was part of what she liked she would be upfront with me and we both realize that if that were the case that things would not work out.
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female
reader, golddigger99  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I don't think she likes the abuse, that's why her ex is her EX!!!Although, I agree with Odds. I don't know a woman, including myself, who doesn't like a bit of dominance in the bedroom. Start off easy. I honestly don't like pain--like biting and rough spanking, but a light hair pull or holding my hands back, a blind fold--even the occasional rough talk in bed like being called a slut or a whore are all attractive by nature. Sex is dirty at it's core, it brings out the animalistic nature within us all, so these are all acceptable ways to act. If you're uncomfortable with any of this, that's your deal, but personally, I don't think there's any harm in trying it out a time or two. Maybe you're uncomfortable with it because you've never tried it? As for her slapping you to gauge a reaction, your best bet to move past this is NOT to bring it up again. Instead, try a dom move or two in bed and see how she reacts. If she protests, then stop. If not, you know she likes it!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I think she's into the dominance of it. Slapping is just a manifestation of that (really, rough sex isn't so bad); the core is dominance and passion. Either she likes to be more in control during sex, or she wants to challenge you to be more dominant and animalistic in bed.
Not sure what you consider violence in the bedroom. It sounds like you have a very low threshold for violence - while I'm totally in agreement with you when it comes to slapping, are you opposed to spanking? Holding her down, or pinning her arms in place? Hair pulling? Biting?
Try this: next time you're having sex with her, pull her arms above her head and hold them down with one hand. Then slowly caress her body with your other hand, without letting her arms free. Then flip her on her stomach and do her from behind, and spank her a couple of times. Observe her reaction - it should give you a good clue if she's into the dominance and/or animalistic kind of sex. What you do with that information is up to you.
Personally, I like a bit of roughness in bed, and from my own limited experience, it seem that a lot of women do, too. Don't worry about it too much.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I think you just need to take her word for it. She probably just done it playfully without even thinking about it and then it upset her. If it happens again then there might be an issue if you feel that strongly about it, but I think for now you need to forget about this and move forward from it. She has told you she is not in to it, it was an abusive relationship she was in, and she may have just done it out of habit, or maybe even to see how you would react. Try and forget about it, obviously she wants to be with you and am sure if it was important to her she wouldn't be with you so just move forward from this and enjoy the relationship.
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