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My girlfriend had sex with another guy, but she says she was too drunk to realize what was happening.

Tagged as: Cheating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2010) 11 Answers - (Newest, 25 April 2010)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone. My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years now. We went through a rough patch about 1 year into our relationship that I rationalized as her "waking up" and maturing. She was in love with alcohol, like so many young women are, and she knew that I hated when she drank so heavily. So she decided to not tell me about a party she was having back at home when we were away for the summer. I found out and dumped her, but we got back together after she promised to change because our relationship was more important to her than anything. We had been dealing with so many trust issues up to that point, but since then I can honestly say that we were having a great trusting relationship as she really did give up the alcohol and choose our relationship.

All of this seems pointless now. I just found out the other day that she had sex with some guy only 3 months after we started going out. Keep in mind, this is before her "waking up" and maturing phase that happened at our 1 year mark. Her story is that she was drinking heavily at a party (I knew she was at the party but she told me she wasn't drinking). She says a guy kept hitting on her and she kept pushing him away. Eventually it got really late and she was so drunk that she was scared to walk home, and scared to call me to come get her because she had lied about drinking. The guy invited her up to his room, promising to take her home afterwards. And then she "blacked out" and can't remember anything until she woke up at her apartment the next morning and felt sore. She doesn't know if she was raped, if she consented, or even if it was her idea. Who knows...

What do I do? I have always believed that if someone cheats on you once, they will do it again. But did she really cheat on me? She doesn't remember a thing. Is it possible to not remember anything? I have been drunk before, but to make a decision like taking off your clothes and cheating on your boyfriend, I don't understand how someone could be that drunk. Our relationship had been going so well the last few years and this was a relatively long time ago, but I don't know if I can ever trust her or look at her the same way again...

She is devastated that I found out. She claims she has wanted to tell me for years but was always afraid it would be the last thing she ever said to me. She describes this as a painful memory that she has convinced herself that it never happened. She is so apologetic and sorry and I am almost certain this would never happen again. But is it too late?

View related questions: drunk, got back together, sex with another

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010):

Dump her or you will regret it forever. If she did this already she will do it again.Some women are just like that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

she can't remember and you weren't there therefore it could very well have been rape or just another dumb decision on her part. No one will ever really know. Hopefully with her maturing you can see her for the person she is now and the person you have grown to love - i say forget about yesterday and focus on today otherwise it will just cause you both too much pain. Give her the benfit of the doubt and time to prove it was indeed a one off.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

Doesn't sound much like she was raped dude, sounds more like she got piss drunk and did something real dumb. Just because she "blacked out" and can't remember what happened doesn't mean she wasn't conscious and didn't consent. It's not exactly uncommon for people to get wasted, do a bunch of stupid, regrettable crap, and not remember a damn thing the next day. The fact that the guy she cheated with told you himself she had sex with him and is now calling her up to hook up also suggests she consented and just can't remember - you'd have to be some kind of idiot to call up a girl you raped and try to hook up with her, no?

I feel for you man, 'cause the reality here is that you'll probably never know what really happened that night. All you can do is go with your gut and make what you think is the best decision for yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010):

Thanks for all of the responses guys! Most of you were really helpful. I don't understand why marieclaire thinks I am mad though? Did I say that somewhere? I just don't know if I can trust her seeing as how big of a deal this is, and that she never told me. I could include more information by saying the guy that she had sex with was the one who told me. He was texting her the other night saying how they should "hook up" again, so I took her phone and started questioning the guy. Willon1989 has it right when saying that this would be her story whether she thinks she was raped, or whether she remembers everything and consented. I would love to believe her, and (as wrong as it sounds) I would love it if she was raped and she needs my comfort and support after all of these years. But how can I ever be certain that this is the case?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010):

Blackouts do happen. Many people who have not experienced them don't think it will ever truly happen. From my personal experience your going to have to go with your gut feeling. My boyfriend accepted my apology but i also told him sooner then she did. My boyfriend found out from me. I wanted it that way, i think that it shows your truly sorry because it is VERY hard to tell the person you love that you ruined something great. Trust! I hope you figure out everything. Just ask yourself, is this really the girl for you? if not then don't wait around and end it cause that will cause more pain between you guys. Also, is she truly sorry for what she did? If so i'm sure you guys will beable to move on and slowly it will ease out of your mind.

Goodluck!

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (19 April 2010):

Cerberus agony auntYou have to remember it's far easier for girls to have sex when they're drunk than it is for us guys, basically we guys have no excuses because even though we're drunk we still have to choose to have sex.

It might not have been a choice for her in this case keep that in mind, you should also keep in mind that she didn't tell you so as not to lose you.

Only you can decide what's best in this case, if you want to be with her then you'll have to be sure you're really okay with it and that you still trust her and can move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010):

Just my two cents here. What you do with the information is your prerogative and yours alone. I can only share bits of my story. I was in a wonderful relationship once and then we had a silly fight and he left me alone in the bar. Some guy came to talk to me and offered me a drink which I foolishly accepted. He had spiked it and though I don't wish to relay the entire story for you I can assure you that blackouts are very real and scary, whether self induced or not, and that one can honestly have no recollection whatsoever of what happened. If you genuinely feel that the girl may have an issue with alcohol, temporary or not, regardless of whether you accept her explanation or not you have to consider that a chance exists that the incident did not have anything to do with you but rather with her problem, and that is very sad because if that is the case it would mean that someone may have taken advantage of her. What you do with it is for you to decide. I doubt anyone would blame you. You are in a better position than any of us to know whether she is being truthful or whether she is using it as an excuse.

I may be wrong but this comes from personal experience.

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A male reader, Dekten Netherlands +, writes (19 April 2010):

In my opinion, you need to evaluate the relationship based on how it has been for the past months/year(s).

She should, however, make every effort to make sure she doesn't relapse. There's no negotiation room when it comes to drinking.

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A male reader, willow1989 United Kingdom +, writes (19 April 2010):

this is a tuff one on one hand you could say she remembers everything and has made up the "blackout" but on the other hand she could have been seriously taken advantage of if this is the case then i think you have to forgive her and console her because if she was raped then she will be feeling worse than you. talk to her and ask for honesty i believe nobody can get that drunk that they cant remember having sex its just not something you forget.

good luck

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (19 April 2010):

TimmD agony auntNormally I'd subscribe to the "Once a cheater, always a cheater..." label but in this case, you might want to just put this in the "early" part of your relationship. I know what you mean about not liking when somebody gets that drunk and I have the same feelings about the subject that you do. In this case I would tend to think that it was more alcohol then it was the actual act of wanting to cheat. Does that make it better or less painful? No, but if she is moving past the stage of getting incredibly drunk, and doing so FOR YOU and your relationship, then I'd suggest doing your best at moving forward....together.

If she doesn't get drunk like she used to and she really has been giving an honest effort, then I think you can take her at her word for being sorry.

Others here will say dump her or that she is a liar and that it'll even happen again...but from what you've told us I don't believe that is the case.

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A male reader, Brunel Wallis and Futuna +, writes (19 April 2010):

Well she would say all this wouldn't she, she is not going to admit anything.

Go slowly and take your time we are all entitled to make mistakes, it is part of the pattern of life?

What you must do is fight or flight, if you take the former you must forget any more mentions of the casual sex. You must forgive and forget, if you cannot then move on!

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