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My girlfriend had a one night stand with a professional athelte before we met.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 October 2009) 14 Answers - (Newest, 21 October 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend recently told me that a few months before we met she had a one night stand with a famous professional ball player. She wanted to be open and I think that is a great thing. We have a great relationship, we are madly in love and its like something from a sapy chick-flick. The problem is that I cant get this out of my head. In order to keep the advice where I need it - it is not a race thing, we are white and the guy was black but that is not important to me. It as also not a size thing because she previously told me about a huge partner from her past and I was okay with that. I just hate thinking of the woman I love throwing herself at a married father who is only adding her to the list of hundreds of girls he has got with on road trips. I wish she had never told me but thats not an option. Has anybody been through this? Am I wrong to feel like this? I put my women on a pedistal and treat them like queens I know this is making me lose respect for her. I am seriously considering giving up what could be the kind of relationship everyone dreams about becuase of this.

View related questions: her past, one night stand, player

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

I don't know why this is being framed as a question of whether it's better to get the truth or better to be lied to.

There is another option. People could demand to be with partners who value sexuality the same way they do.

This is the only option that calls for people to take responsibility for their own past actions. It's the only option that calls for sacrificing reckless fun for the sake of someone else in the long term. It's also the only option that actually eliminates the problem being discussed.

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A male reader, outofcontrol United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

Moderator Note ***** This is from the origional poster *******

Thanks for all of your answers and opinions. I have been stuck inside my own head with this and it is good to hear someone else's thoughts on it. Part of me wanted everyone to tell me to hit the road (take the easy way out) and part of me wanted everyone to tell me to quit being a little punk and man up. I got both. This is really helping me figure this out. Thanks for taking the time to give me your answers.

I want to add that when she told me her previous partner was Andre the Giant it wasn't to brag or anything, she was telling me that she has had experiences with big and small and thats how she knows that I am the perfect size for her (awww how sweet). She went into way too much detail but she honestly didn't think it was something men don't want to hear. She actually asks me about previous lovers and doesn't get jelous at all.

Is that the difference between men and women or am I just retarded? Does hearing about my past help her when she thinks about her own past?

When she told me about her one nighter whith whats his nuts it was because it was on her mind and she wants me to love her with her "flaws and all" - holy shit I'm a jackass!

You guys have made some great points, I like the big boy undies line from Lovingshook. Im 30 years old - I've never been a pussy before why start now.

I don't feel very special with her sexually, but her passion and love for me does make me feel special. I guess I just want it all.

Candleman, you made some great points, maybe deep down I know I will never give her the level of experience she has already had. If it wanted to think about it, the baller is probably pretty damn good with all his experience but I can't let myself think about that.

Pyroshadow, I'm sorry but that did make me feel better, and in a huge way I relate to everything you have and are going through - thanks.

Can I still have an open and honest relationship AND still ask her not to share anything about past lovers? (assuming I can get past this)

This is all helping - if anyone has anything else they want to ad - lay it on me. I'm sure I will have more questions after I do more thinking.

Thanks guys.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

They mutually agreed it would be better to be open about their past so why she's getting stick for that i dont know. Personally i would rather be able to ask anything i want and have an honest answer than be lied to. I would do the same in return The more you talk in the earlier days the less impact they have and the fewer nasty suprises for the future.

You dont want to here about her 6 months in an escort agency after the wedding.

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A male reader, Pyroshadow United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

Hey,

There is a lot worst thing she could have done. If you look at the 'her past' tags here you will see you are really not alone.

My girlfriend has done something far far far worst. In fact what she done might be one of the worst thing that I have come across even on this site. (yeah worldwide I still dont see anyone doing something worst then what my girlfriend has done)

You are jealous that she has had sex with someone famaous. I'm sure you have had your fair share of women (and if not she wasn't your first so i'm sure she is somewhat jealous of what you have done with another woman).

I have learned in the many months I have been dealing with this that I will never accept what she has done. What you can do is distance her from it. Separate what she has done from her.

Yeah she did something awful. She slept with a stranger to add a notch to her bedpost because of the man's status.

What you can do is learn that you will never be okay with her past. If that is okay with you then you can learn to accpet her and love her as the woman she is. You will **NEVER** stop hating her for what she has done.

If you want something to compare I will share since I have already.

My girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend used to use an online fetish site to find threesome panthers. They are not bi or anything. They would find other men and have threesomes. That was very hard for me to deal with.

On top of that, she once allowed her ex to blindfold her. He picked out 5 or 6 guys from the site and they gangbanged her while she was blindfold. Trying dealing with that. My girlfriend had sex with an unknown amount of strangers while blindfolded.

So really when you think about it like that, what your girlfriend did isn't nearly as bad right?

Feel better bro.

Best of luck to you.

If you want to see what other have told me here is the link. There is a lot of good advice there. You can also see my struggle and how many times I though I was really just going to leave her.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

We all did things that we aren't very proud of. But do we tell about them to our next partner, may be husband?

That was a very silly thing to do and why, what was the reason....to keep up a conversation...I could never understand why people do it. I read a lot here how people advice a wife or husband that had an affair confess about it.I think it's a very cruel thing to do, it has nothing to do w/ being honest.People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons, often because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

Of course you're not happy. I don't see why you would be.

Her actions demonstrate that she has a price. And you rank lower than she's had in the past.

Since this celebrity far outranks you in our society, she would give herself to him for much less than she will give herself to the likes of little old you. If she gets HIM, then she'll risk STDs in a big way, not demand anything from him, etc. But if she's gonna settle for somebody like YOU, then she decides that she'd better get a relationship and a commitment and a ring out of the deal.

I would be pissed too.

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A female reader, lovingshook United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

It's funny how we focus on things sometimes and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm famous for it and you don't sound much better :)

So what, she screwed a celebrity. An athlete at that. Good for her. Big fat hairy deal.

You make it sound like she tried to break up thier marriage. Not the case.

And do you think she didn't know whe was one of many? I'm sure she did.

Women have conquests too and like one night stands. It happens.

Put on your big-boy undies and deal with it.

But tell that crazy heifer to stick to sharing things that pertain DIRECTLY to your relationship in the future.

I kinda doubt she'd appreciate knowing you once banged a hot famous chick with natural D's. So for that, on her behalf, I'm sorry.

But really, make yourself get over it. You shouldn't respect her less but more, because after all, she was honest with you.

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A female reader, lovingshook United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

It's funny how we focus on things sometimes and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm famous for it and you don't sound much better :)

So what, she screwed a celebrity. An athlete at that. Good for her. Big fat hairy deal.

You make it sound like she tried to break up thier marriage. Not the case.

And do you think she didn't know whe was one of many? I'm sure she did.

Women have conquests too and like one night stands. It happens.

Put on your big-boy undies and deal with it.

But tell that crazy heifer to stick to sharing things that pertain DIRECTLY to your relationship in the future.

I kinda doubt she'd appreciate knowing you once banged a hot famous chick with natural D's. So for that, on her behalf, I'm sorry.

But really, make yourself get over it. You shouldn't respect her less but more, because after all, she was honest with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

Get a grip man. Were you a monk or something before you met her. Or maybe you only screw deformed ugly birds. Like they wouldnt count. Its unfortunate she made a bad decision but that was before you were on the scene.

Would it have been ok if the guy she screwed was a dwarf but single ffs. Then you would be wailing. THE THOUGHT OF HER THROWING HER BODY AGAINST QUASIMODO THE DWARF. Who also added her to his lists of hundreds. Coz he's got a huge penis.

You chances of finding a virgin are slim at your age.

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A male reader, Candleman United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

Candleman agony aunt OK. I want you to clear your mind. Answer this question w/ out thought, w/out analyzing. A simple Yes or No response. An immediate response. OK...

Pretend you are single....

You're at a bar and a married smoking hot, superbly fine famous woman wants to go and fuck you, no strings attached. Do you fuck her?

If you answered yes, then you shouldn't have double standards and hold it against her.

If you really wouldn't do this, then you have to try to restructure your thoughts in regards to this. I mean the opportunity that she had is a once in a lifetime thing for most people. Hell most people don't even get an opportunity to do such a thing. It would be hard to pass this up.

Here's a reality. Of the sexually active single women in the world that are attractive to professional athletes, the majority will take advantage of such a situation. So what she did I would say is very normal.

It's not like she broke this guys family up. Its not like she corrupted the guy or anything... turned him into a womanizer. It doesn't erase that she fucked a married guy, but the fact of who this guy is makes it more understandable.

Also, was she at a club? Had a few drinks maybe? Inhibition lowered? Did she know the guy was married and had kids? You could maybe use some of these thoughts to help justify the act more in your mind.

I'm not gonna touch putting women on a pedestal. I mean all people are human, no one is perfect. If you want to look at her positive features, then by far the most positive is the honesty that she is sharing with you. To me this speaks more of her character than her having a one nighter w/ a pro athlete.

Is she a saint...no. Is she a normal honest human being...seems like it.

Also, make sure you aren't masking your real fear here. I'm not saying that you are, it is just that it is quite possible that what is bothering you more is not only do you have the large membered guy in the past, you have a professional athlete. Coupled w/ the fact that she is probably pretty attractive, your fear of being inferior could be what you need to address.

Best Wishes

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

GrimmReality agony auntI have to agree with Satin here.

Why she even told you this is beyond me though. I mean there is one thing to being open and honest(which I recommend), but that had nothing to do with your relationship. And by telling you, she knew she had to run the risk of this reaction.

Nothing you can do about it now. Being I already see it's dominating your thoughts about her now, you are not going to look at her the same way. Better dump her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

I just hate thinking of the woman I love throwing herself at a married father who is only adding her to the list of hundreds of girls he has got with on road trips

Your above statement says alot about who she is and what her values are.....the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She has no respect for other women, she has no respect for marriage, she thinks that it is OK to have a one night stand, she thinks it is OK to have sex with married men because after all she isn't cheating (she does not get that she is partaking in cheating or that she has chosen, yes chosen to be a direct threat to the man's wife and family and his marriage.....Yup she's all of that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

You haven't said anyting about her that makes me think this is the relationship that everyone dreams about.

I don't think it is any of your business who she slept with or the size of her ex lover's penises. This kind of talk from a woman you are dating is nothing more than the bragging of an immature woman who defines her self worth through her sexual exploits, she uses sex as a way to control men, to have power over them.

I think this is a red flag. I get the idea that she is pretty and you are basing your feelings mostly on her looks. Big mistake.

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A female reader, HereAreMyTwoCents United States +, writes (21 October 2009):

HereAreMyTwoCents agony auntI don't want to talk down at you, but I just want you to get the point I am trying to make: Are you freaking kidding me?! You're going to give up "the kind of relationship everyone dreams about" because of THIS??? Do you have any clue how lucky you are to even be in the possession of "a relationship that everyone dreams about"?! Snap out of it, get over it. If you give up the girl of your dreams over a one night thing she did in her past before she ever even met you, you are going to kick yourself in your butt for the rest of your life. I think you are throwing a mental tantrum. I see by your age you're 30 to 35 years old. That's old enough to know better than to throw away something good when it comes into your life. Or perhaps life has not taken you through the school of hard knocks, yet?!

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