A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating someone for a year now and it has gotten to be very serious. I work the graveyard shift at a resturaunt and a few weeks ago I was very sick and didn't finish my shift. One of the waitresses is a very dear friend of mine lives only a short distance from the resturaunt and she told me to come to her apartment and that I could crash there. I had an allergic reaction to some medication that I was taking. It was very serious because I could have actually died. She let me crash on her couch and I was so sick that I slept for two days. She had no idea how sick I was she just let me in got some things and left me there. She was at her boyfriends house the whole time. I had no idea that I was allergic to the medication and thought that I had a bad case of the flu. My girlfriend came over to my house the night that I got sick and was waiting for me there to surprise me. When I didn't come home she went looking for me and the first place she went was where I work. One of the girls doesn't like me and took advantage and told her that I went home with my friend. She left out the part where I was throwing up and had a high fever. So she drove up to my friends apartment and saw my car there and then drove off. When I finally thought that maybe my medication might be the problem I called my doctor and he told me to stop taking it and to come see him which is what I did. All this time she didn't know where I was and I don't have a room mate. I wasn't even missed at work because they knew I was sick. So finally I started feeling better and I drove home. As soon as I came home my girlfriend was there and started yelling and screaming at me. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. She did something I would have never imagined her to do and that is she picked up an iron and threw it at me. She got me good as she hit me just above my eye. She then left my house I had to go to the hospital and get stitches. My friend who is the one who let me sleep on her couch called to see who I was just a few minutes after my girlfriend left. She is actually the one who drove me to the hospital. The next few days later she went to my girlfriends house and the two of them got into a fistfight and they both went to jail. I am the guy who actually got both of them out of jail. Finally my girlfriend understood that I did not cheat on her and what I had gone through. She told me that she is sorry and I told her that I needed some time to think. Well I have been doing some thinking. I can't believe all that has happened. My head is telling me to dump her but my heart is telling me that she was only jealous because she loves me. The other girl who is my friend I have known since kindergarten. We are just friends but my girlfriend has been overly jealous of her. So should I give her a chance or should I dump her? I am very angry and very hurt.
View related questions:
at work, jealous, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): Every human being has a right to look out for themselves first.That's not selfishness.That's a right to survival.In your shoes,I would get a restraining order against her.I agree with Marie Claire.What if this had been a woman poster?
A
female
reader, Sanita  +, writes (29 April 2010):
I think you are partly to be blamed about what your girlfriend did. You should have called her and let her know that you were sick so that she could take care of you, after all she is your girlfriend, nevertheless, she had no right to hit you with an iron ,period. I understand her reason for doing this but that doesn't justify her actions, the iron could have hit you in your eyes causing eye impairment.
From what you have said, it seems you are more closer or more willing to be open to your friend and co-worker that you have known since kingdergarden. Thats can cause friction in your relation, so you better be careful. I think your girlfriend is jealous of the relationship taht exist between you and your friend because she doesn't think you- both of you click or connect the way you do with your friend. Think about.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): It's not at all hard to understand you still have feelings for her.
Just because it's better to leave a relationship than stay doesn't mean the relationship didn't have good aspects too. Those you'll need to mourn even if you were the one to terminate the relationship.
I'm sorry to hear she had such a rough upbringing, and it saddens me even more to hear it's still affecting her. I wish her best of luck.
Don't blame yourself for having given her some leeway. Be proud you took the stance to end the relationship when you felt it was needed. You've handled this matter well, I'd be very happy I didn't hit her back if I were you.
I wish you best of luck. Try to take care of yourself a little now, you've had a very rough week.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Just because it happened once, do you think it is right to assume that she will do it again?
It is wrong to assume that she will do it again because you are not that person and you judged her and condemned her without understanding her.
It is so easy to judge others and when you judge others ,you condemned yourself too.
What makes you so sure that she will do it again? Are you God who can see into the future and see what will happen?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I hate to admit this but this isn't the first time she has struck me. She has hit me before and I didn't stop her when she was angry. It's my fault for letting it get out of hand like this. Her dad was a very violent drunk and I understand why she has some anger issue and abandoment issues because her mother has been in and out of her life since she was a baby. I can't keep making allowances and excuses for her. I've decided to break up with her. I can't do this any more with her. It might be hard for people to understand this but even though she hurt me I still have feelings for her. she hurt me worse emotionally than physically. Well thanks for listening aunts and uncles.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Laura1318,this is not about the future, it has already happened.
She threw an iron at him and sent him to the hospital.
She does not need to repeat that. Once is more than enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Making wild assumptions seems to be the order of the day.It is great to see so many are able to see into the future.They can predict what will happen in the future with accuracy.
Congratulations to all those who have that ability to see into the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 April 2010):
 What will she throw next time you do something she deems stupid?
I say get out now while you are still standing.. and breathing.
I agree with CindyCares when she said: *But I am- well,amazed. Is it just me who thinks it's NEVER OK being physically abusive no matter what the transgression is ?"
AMEN. Doesn't matter if it is a guy or a girl, violence is not a way to deal with ANY issue at ANY time, no matter what.
Good luck,
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): The fact that you "could've died" means to me that though you didn't go to the hospital, your situation was so severe you should have. You obviously did also contact a doctor to get the problem sorted.
I do see that contacting her would've been helpful, but to me you're excused from a lot when you're severely ill.
I'm uncomfortable by the fact that she listened to the co-worker who doesn't like you and took her word as a fact. She did check that you really did go there, but surely she could have double-checked why you went there, asking anyone else why you went with your friend would've made sense.
It's not like it's easy to "cover up" a two-day affair. If you had wanted to cheat, you could've done so much more smoothly. This talks against there being an affair, and for there being another situation causing your absense.
It's legal to cheat (though sometimes bad for your wallet). It's not legal to hit people with irons. There is a reason for this.
To sum up what you guys did wrong:
-You didn't contact her and explain the situation. You were at first severely ill.
-After it started to get better you could've contacted her, but that was at about the time you got home, and she got in your face.
What she did:
*She listened to the co-worker, and saw the car, and made conclusions without asking your co-workers why you went with her.
*She refused to listen to you when you tried to explain the situation. Even if you'd told her you went to the moon for a round-trip, she should've at least heard you out.
*She abused you physically with an iron. She could not have known if that would render you blind on one eye.
*When your friend went to her she didn't listen to her either (though I sort of understand this one), but she also got in a fistfight with her too. This was days later, she could've calmed herself down, and/or chosen to ignore your friend, but she decided to fight her instead.
During your two day leave, did she ever try to contact you? If I'd gotten a message saying "Why are you gone? I'm worried.", I would've tried to respond.
Long story short - if you want to forgive her, you can. I would dump her, mostly because I don't want to end up in physical situations with someone who doesn't listen.
It's not legal to turn off reason and get physical, and there are reasons for this. I understand that her jealousy blocked her reason, but it did it twice, and she got very violent.
I probably wouldn't press charges, but you could do that if you want to.
Does your girlfriend even realize how many errors she's done so far? Saying "I'm sorry" sounds awfully weak. I'd be pissed too if she had scarred me. That could become a problem if you got together and she got abusive again at a later point, you might respond and become violent back.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 April 2010):
HELL YES dump her. Next time it might be a knife or something.
...............................
A
female
reader, HelloooNurse +, writes (29 April 2010):
Wow... Yes, you were wrong by not contacting her to let her know what was going on. BUT she was VERY wrong for throwing something at your head. Lesser of the two evils is you. I could see forgiving you easily. But as far as she goes... No, I wouldn't forgive her. What happens if later in life, you get very serious, married even, and you upset her again? Is she going to throw something else at you? What about kids? If you two have kids, and no doubt one of the kids will make her mad, kids always do things to make you mad.... Is she going to throw something at the kids? You just don't know... Personally, I wouldn't take chances. Physical abuse is NOT NOT NOT okay, no matter the circumstances (unless self defense). Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): Maybe some people did not read what I wrote. I work the graveyard shift. That means when I work my girlfriend is asleep. I fell asleep expecting to wake up around four or five in the afternoon like I usually do. I had no idea that I would sleep for two whole days. That's why I didn't call or text. When I layed on her couch I was extremely ill. I was prescribed a synthetic drug of which replaced another one that I am also allergic. Yes I really could have died. I am not being dramatic. I get the feeling that some people are trying to make this out to be my fault. She didn't know I wasn't coming home that morning and I usually don't call her until the afternoon when I wake up. I'm cooling off myself because I feel like knocking her out. She left a nice little gash over my eye that is going to leave a scar. I got it because she jumped to conclusions. The girl who I am friends with I have apologised to and is not even mad at me. She thinks I should break up with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, single gal  +, writes (29 April 2010):
she s violent. next time it will be a knife.
i understand she may have been mad, but if you were in her shoes and you did the same thing she did to you, you would be in jail for domestic violence.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 April 2010):
I do not want to polemize with my fellow aunts and I respect everybody's opinion even when I do not share it.
But I am- well,amazed. Is it just me who thinks it's NEVER ok being physically abusive no matter what the transgression is ?
The general idea here seems to be that he reallly screwed up and did a very stupid mistake and got her angry, so if someone is angry she/is entitled to lash out and throw things endangering people's safety. He sort of "called" the iron upon himself,right ?
I don't get it. By this token, if she catches him really cheating on her, she has good reasons for shooting him in his head, and she should be forgiven because she was provoked.
I sincerely don't get it...
...............................
A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (29 April 2010):
 It was your own fault you are going through all this. however ill you were, it takes nothing to send a text or a quick call, or even asked your friend to let your gf know where you were. she was probably worried, and then seeing you at a womans house understandably made her mad. I'm not suggesting this justifies throwing an iron, but you were massively inconsiderate, and you should be taking some of the responsibility here. Also, if your friend could drive you back to hers, why couldnt she take you home? If I was ill, the first place I would want to go is my own home. Also if you were ill enough not to be able to text or ring, then you would have been in hospital. If your friend didn't even stay with you to supervise you then there was no benefit of being at hers rather than at your own home. I cna see your gf's point of view, and I don't think she was unreasonable in the conclusions she drew. All it would have taken is a bit of consideration and communication. However she shouldn't have thrown the iron, and should possibly consider anger management. As for the friend, if they both got in a fist fight then she is no less to blame that the gf.
You need to think and be more considerate, and your gf needs to get her anger sorted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I have to say that if my boyfriend sleeps on his friends (female) couch for 2 days without calling me...I will throw something at him! I am sorry to say that anger (especially at betrayal) can make someone see red! I know you were ill but you could of asked your friend to call your girlfriend as it is your gf that should be looking after you not your friend! You are partly to blame for this so I think that you should also take some responsibility for your actions. If it was the other way round with her on her guy friends couch for 2 days... how would you feel? I bet a some violence would come out of you. We are human..I am sorry but I do believe that she was justified to be VERY angry...I am sorry tho that the iron hit you! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (29 April 2010):
If you had being a bit more thoughtful, you would not have to go through all this.
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. There are times when our system fails us and we cross the line. Different people may have different breaking points.
She had no intentions of throwing the iron at you but when she hit that breaking point , that iron was nearest to her.
She did not know what she was doing in that very moment of craziness.It was just temporary madness and she did not think properly.She lost control of herself. It can happen to anyone of us .
If you love her,you should forgive her . If you want to dump her, make sure that it is not you who need her more than she needs you .
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (29 April 2010):
Yeah, she sounds a bit violent. However, not calling her for two days and finding out that you're at your friends house made her jump to conclusions. I can see why she'd be pissed, but I don't think she should have thrown an iron at you. I may have gotten angry myself and thrown something at you, but I probably wouldn't have chosen something a little softer than an iron.
Do whatever you feel is right. But throwing the iron at you and then getting in a fight with your friend is kind of a red flag. She doesn't stop to hear what's going on, she just takes action and that's usually not a good sign. I can totally see why she'd be pissed off, but she definitely should have handled it differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 April 2010):
I have to disagree with the other posters.
She threw you an iron,for Pete's sake. You had to get stitches over your eye. One inch of difference in the iron's trajectory and she could have blinded you. Then,she got into a fistfight with your friend.
She is a violent person. What second chance do you want to give her...the chance to stab you in your chest during a heated discussion about,say,whose turn is to do the dishes ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): you have to see it from her point of view if my boyfriend went missing for 2 days and I found out his car was at another girls house I would've threw an iron at you too. The first thing you should've done was call your girlfriend if you were feeling sick... you should've never went to another girls house you should've went to your girls house she has the right to be Jealous its like you chose to go with your friend than with your own girlfriend... what if it would've been her how about if you would've found her in another guys apartment for 2 days what would've been the first thought that came to your head??? And you said you could've died because of the allergic reaction you called your doctor why couldn't you call your girlfriend and told her where you were she shouldn't have to hear it from some girl at your job you should've called and especially if you were almost "DYING" she is the one that should be by your side in a moment like this... so you are wrong and you deserve to be smacked for not telling your girlfriend where you were for 2 days I would've hit you too. And No you shouldn't break uo with her... she apologized for hitting you get over it but you should apologize for not calling her... if you would've called I bet you would've never gotten hit with an iron... maybe next time you will call
...............................
A
female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 ok what a story. wow!! i give kudos to you.. i am a women my self and could see why she got jealous i would get jealous too, but actually its not jealousey its the thought of losing you.thats what i think it is. so yea she loves you. but throwing the iron and getting stiches wow. did she say sorry and kiss you all over to feel better man i bet that hurt.. i promise as a women i wont throw any thing at my husband just for that reason your question made me.lol.do what ur heart tells you. and if she does it again do something about it., but why didn't you just go home in the first place..
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 April 2010):
 I'd say follow your heart, but how many irons would that line up for you in the future? There's a difference between being jealous and being violent when jealous. I'd be weary about her inability to control her temper. She may love you, but if that's showing how she loves you, I'd hate to see it if you were really on her bad side.
The question, I guess you need to ask yourself is, do you love her? Look at how you feel about her to decide if the second chance is given or not.
...............................
|
