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My girlfriend got naked at a pool party and I'm not okay with this. Don't you think she needs to respect my feelings?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2008) 11 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey there. Here is my problem.

My girlfriend of roughly three years went to a birthday pool party at one of her friend's houses. I heard from a friend who also went to the party that later in the evening my girlfriend got quite drunk and ended up going in the pool with a few guys and was persuaded to take her bikini off. They were naked as well although apparently nothing happened between them.

After i heard this i confronted my girlfriend, who had neglected to tell me this, and she said that it was just a bit of fun, she was drunk and nothing happened so it was okay. I however wasn't okay with this and told her that i thought it was wrong for her to do that when she was in a relationship with me. She then got angry and said that i shouldn't try and control her life and that she is an adult and can do what she likes at parties. We have since arranged to meet up for a drink and to sort things out but i was wondering what your opinions on this are. We have never had any problems before and we have a brilliant relationship.

I am 26 and she is 28. I know it is up to her how to live her life, but i think that if she wants to be with me then she needs to respect my feelings. I also told her this when we argued but she said that we have to compromise and she has let me get away with things that bother her and hasn't complained, although i have no idea what that might be because i don't get drunk at parties and i'm a terrible flirter so it isn't that i flirt with other girls. Can anyone help me make sense of this?

View related questions: drunk, flirt

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010):

Had to work during our (my ex & I) usual vacation so paid for her sister to go to Cancun with her.The sister-in-law was a very attractive 37 year old blond and used to being centre of attraction in her age group. Anyway- seems she was taken back with the younger very attractive girls at one of the bars and consumed too much tequila. My ex called me from Cancun and said she was leaving her sister in care of a nice english chap and his g/f who they had met. Wife said two hours later she was reading in their room and heard `a noise. Went to investigate and her sister was prancing around the pool area in front of dozens and was buck naked. Well- that is story I got but three mos. later rec'd divorce papers w/o warning and although sis-in-law told me she had stripped methinks my ex is hiding something similar- does'nt matter now but we had 26 yrs of happy marriage to that point. If my g/f did it at a party with naked guys I would certainly have said- see ya!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009):

Ask her how she would feel if you got naked at a party with a bunch of girls or if you were at a party where the girls were naked? If she is okay with this, it means either she is ready to quit the relationship and is looking for a new partner or she wants an open relationship (swinging lifestyle). If she feels that she should be able to do what she wants but not you, then run like hell! It it her intention to cuckhold you!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009):

She's right. You don't control her, she's an adult and can make her own decisions. But that works both ways. You can make decisions too, such as breaking off the relationship. Personally, i'd break up with her for being unapologetic just as much as for flashing those guys. Realize that her ideas of what's "cool" and "uncool" behavior in a relationship are fundamentally flawed, and do not lend themselves to healthy, stable, lasting relationships.

I can assure you that none of the angry, bitter women blaming you is in or has had a healthy happy relationship that has lasted for more than a few months. I'd like to be with my gf but still having the option of sleeping with megan fox should she ever show up at my door in some lingerie, but we must all grow up and make choices in life.

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A male reader, lordhelmit United States +, writes (12 July 2009):

to all the girls who said "its her body, stop controlling her, get over it," you need to shut up. No kidding its her body, but after a few months of dating, yeah, it is "our" body as well. You just don't do that. He's not controlling her at all. Its NOT controlling IN THE LEAST to not want your girlfriend naked with a bunch of naked horny guys in the same pool and NOT tell you about it, drunk sober or high. You girls need to STOP playing the stupid "controlling my life" card, cause in this kind of situation, sorry it doesn't work.

Leave her dude. she obviously has no respect for you. I'm sure she's drank before, which means she knew how she'd act, which means she knew SOMETHING might happen, which would lead to something like this. She knew what she was doing, she's a slut and you don't need her. If she wants to be naked with random strangers, leave her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008):

I'd throw her out with the trash Tuesday night. It's ok when they do things and then they think they can save themselves by saying don't control me. From what you said it sounds like you were just asking her about it..and never said don't do it. So, the next time there's a party that your girlfriend isn't there with you and there's a naked chick in the pool... get naked and jump in with her too. See how she feels about it cause I'll bet you a hundred bucks she'll tell you to get out of her house.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

To the ladies that replied before.... of course it is "her" body and she has a right to make her own decisions but come on!!!!! Getting naked with other guys when you have a boyfriend???? Where is the respect for the relationship? That is wrong on so many levels. And I am the last person to say that I have never done anything stupid when I was drunk but all you can do is own up to your mistake, apologise and move forward. Don't get defensive and try and turn it on the partner. How would she feel if the situation was reversed?? If she really would be fine with that then, long term, she is not the women for you if she does not have the same values.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

she was drunk. at a party. get over yourself.

she didnt cheat on you

she merely o a little bit carried away and is probably embarrised

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (12 September 2008):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntIt's her body and she has a right to do what she wants with it(not that I believe she should cheat). You do not own her body. But the guys being naked at the same time kind of concerns me.

If she embarrassed you by doing what she did, I don't believe what she did was right.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (12 September 2008):

Yos agony auntGoing topless at a party with a bunch of naked guys? In my book that's a clear and unambiguous case of crossing the line. In your situation i'd be reacting in the same way: it's not ok. And to hear it second hand because she didn't tell you is doubly not ok: it encourages you not to trust her (as in what else has she done similar and not told you?), plus it's embarrassing: if other people had to tell me my girlfriend was misbehaving I'd be really upset.

Perhaps her anger was a cover for her being ashamed? The fact she didn't tell you also points to that.

Sounds like you two need to set some ground rules and expectations. You are absolutely within your rights to have problem with this sort of thing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008):

I judge these things by a simple rule:

If she wouldn't have done it right in front of you, then she shouldn't be doing it when you're not there either.

So, would she have done this (without hesitation, without asking your permission first) if you had been there or a few feet away in the next room?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008):

im on your side she is not respecting you or herself, if my bf did this i most certainly be unhappy, its almost like showing off the goods to a bunch of potential partners, its not that just that she was naked they all were too and to share a pool with even one man let alone numerous is crossing the boundaries of intimacy, too many people use alcohol as an excuse to cover bad behaviour but this is bad behaviour and you need to make it clear that it must not happen again you are happy to respect her wish to do as she wants but when its at your expense its un acceptable and thoughtless on her part xx

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