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My girlfriend got angry and kicked me in the butt, will the violence escalate?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 August 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2016)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been with my girlfriend for 20+ years. When we fight, which is not very often, she sometimes gets a bit physical, but I haven't until now.

The other day I got mad over something stupid-- she had unplugged the alarm clock to plug in her phone. Anyway, while I was bent down, plugging it back in and yelling at her, she started kicking me!

Luckily she just kicked me on my butt, but it still hurt and really surprised me. I was so angry that I got up and punched her on her butt. (Not very hard.)

Afterwards I apologized since I had got mad over a minor issue, and I pointed out that kicking me did not help de-escalate the situation.

At this point do you think I should just let it go? I'm a little worried that she'll get even more violent towards me in the future.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (30 May 2016):

The moment someone places their hands on you in anger, from either sex, the relationship should be over.

End of story.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016):

She smashed the vacuum? She needs anger management. That's not her being more physical than you, it's lack of control over basic behaviours.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi, I want to thank you all for your writing!

We are committed, so no worries there.

She isn't a bully, just more physical than I am. My guess is that when she gets physical while angry she doesn't think, just acts. (For instance one time she got mad that our vacuum cleaner she was using wasn't doing a good job and so she smashed it!)

I do like the idea of couples counseling.

Thanks again!

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (18 August 2015):

Ciar agony auntThe short answer is, yes, when a bully knows they have a free pass to behave as they choose with few if any impediments in their way, then the violence can escalate.

The only impediment they will recognize and respect is strength. People are divided into two categories with these types: those who will take it and those who won't.

Do NOT apologize again. EVER. You shouldn't have done so in the first place. I don't recommend you hit her back, only because I don't want you to do anything that will get you in hot water, but when you did, it got her attention. It showed her that there was a limit. Your subsequent apology has made you look weak and scared and undermined any progress you might have made.

Women do not get a free pass to abuse or exploit others, regardless of how small or demure they might be most of the time. If she wants to act like one of the boys she can learn to take it like a man.

Do not explain why her behaviour is wrong or how it affects you. She's not a complete imbecilic. She know exactly what she's doing and how it affects you which is precisely why she's doing it. All she needs to understand now is if she does it again, she will pay dearly, and you tell her that in a calm, quiet, determined voice. Do not elaborate on what that means because I don't think you should commit yourself to a particular course of action and leaving something to mystery keeps her unbalanced and unable to form a plan.

Like I said, I don't recommend you do anything that will get you into trouble, but for what it's worth, I hoped you punched her arse hard enough that she remembers it every time she sits down. Fear is a very powerful motivator and can bring about real change in those for whom diplomacy doesn't work.

Remember, no apologies and no explanations. She will only respect you if she thinks you are strong, psychologically tougher and prepared to show her the door.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (18 August 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

If you are with someone who can get you angry enough to punch them, hard or not hard...where do you think this will end up???

Never be with someone that gets you angrier than where you started. Your partner should one who will calm you down, not escalate an already bad situation.

A punch or kick out of anger is assault. Hard or not, that could cost you big time.

If you plan to stay with her...set rules, and stick to them.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (18 August 2015):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

yes, it will escalate from this incident forward & i say this simply because, she has already done it, so the new habit is already in formation.

Now, each & every time she gets upset, for whatever reason, she is very much more likely to lash out @ you, because she got away with it the first time & in a way, because you're a good partner, she knows that you've indirectly given her the green light.

She will repeat it again, when she feels the desire, out of anger &/or rage, or she may even do something worse to you.

This is actually, how most bad habits start out. A little @ first, then on & on, more & more it goes/becomes.

In your case, it begins with one kick/punch/hit, then perhaps two, then maybe even more.

The violence may get harder, may get more repetitious & even more varied.

You too, punched her back, however, i do realise that you did it in self-defense, as you didn't appreciate her entering your personal space & getting physical with you, especially so unexpectedly & without prior warning.

You've both been together for 20 years plus.

I am wondering why neither of you have committed any further?

Not that being engaged or married is everything, but i suspect that many, would be wondering the very same thing.

You would both benefit greatly from some form of couples counselling, although she is the one who kicked you first.

It matters not though, because the relationship involves both you & she, so you'd both benefit.

Even after 20+ years, you'd both find out lots more about one another & now that this negative behaviour has started displaying itself, she'd come to see why she is now acting out like this, so would you.

If/when she tries to do it again, or does do it again & without expectation, you should make it brutally clear to her, that being physically aggressive/violent in any form or shape, will not be tolerated by you any further.

Mean it when you say it, then walk away & do not speak to her for some time, allowing her the time to think about her behaviour & that it's not an ok with you.

You must use indirect psychology on her & let her see that you're toughening up, you won't allow abuse, disrespect, or anything physical to start becoming a regular part of yuor relationship, when she or you are both upset for whatever reason.

I would also encourage you strongly to sit her down & in a calm, non-blaming, rational & direct, honest, open manner, let her know that you would really like you & she to visit a counsellor.

If she says, no, ask her why?

Keep maintaining even thereafter, the importance of counselling to YOU, because YOU want to get to the bottom of what's going on & YOU'D really like to support her & as you're a couple, you wish to do these important things together.

All the best & let me know how you get on. :-)

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (18 August 2015):

Denizen agony auntWhich way do you want the relationship to go? Set out some rules on behaviour if punching is not acceptable. Also set out what will happen if the rules are broken. That way everyone understand the boundaries.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2015):

You haven't until now, but she has? That's not okay and you're right to be worried! I'd suggest anger management for her.

May I ask why you're still "just girlfriend and boyfriend after 20+ years? Just to see if it's relevant.

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