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My girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I watch porn

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 June 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A male United States age 30-35, *cw37 writes:

Long story short my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me cause she thinks I'm lying to her about not watching porn.

It's rediculous if you saw how beautiful she was you'd understand. We've been exploring our sexuality together and I went on Google researching about sex toys, even sent her a PG-13 instructional video on how to use them, so it's not like I was hiding that from her she knows I looked it up.

The other day I let her use my phone and a link to a porn site came up and that's cause I'll be blunt I searched about plugs. I've never given her any reason to not trust me and have always been open and honest to her, I was raised very strongly to respect women and porn disgusts me and I've explained that to her, maybe she thinks cause I'm all of a sudden interested in trying all these new things that I'm getting the ideas from porn but honestly I'm just barely finding out my comfort zone with her cause we haven't been intimate for long.

This is breaking my heart and I can't imagine how she must feel. She won't even talk to me, anything I say.. when she looks at me she feels disgusted and to her it's like this entire relationship was a lie. I don't know what to do anything I try just makes me look more guilty in her eyes.

Her family don't really know me and I know will support her decision and back her up because they seem to have this "all men are the same" complex.

I feel completely helpless, anything I do will just push her farther away from me. Is my future with her doomed, is everything going to be destroyed over nothing?

View related questions: broke up, porn, sex toy

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIf she has ended things over this one thing then it sounds like she simply does not want to be with you. If your word was not enough then she does not trust you. What are you able to do? Do you want to be with someone who does not trust you, or who will end a whole relationship over finding a porn page? Honestly it sounds to me like she has used this as an EXCUSE to end things with you. I am sorry you have been left with a broken heart.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017):

Wow, the regular 'aunts and uncles' on this site are becoming disconnected from the real world.

Look- if it is as you say, and that you both ventured out exploring these new things, yet she still accused you of doing something behind her back, then there's nothing you can do. If she won't reason with you now, it's likely she never will. If she's not willing to even talk about it, then you should start to let go. It's for your own good.

As to why she's reacted like this, only she knows. Did you really not look at porn? Maybe you're too eager for these new things than her - but she should be able to ask you to slow down. Maybe she got carried away with something she's not happy with and has had to back out. She could just be a not very nice person.

By all means, try to win her back - if you really want to. But you will need to talk about this and she will need to be willing to listen. If not, find someone you can do the naughty stuff with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2017):

Honey pie , people Often shame women for not liking pirn despite the extremely degrading nature that the majority of it portrays women and the ways it promotes things like 'teens ' which is effectively promoting the sexuality of innocence. They don't say eighteen , nineteen , just teen and everyone knows that the aim is to get men

Interested and thinking that as young as possible is better such as barely legal . This is horrible and just ONE of the reasons many women are angry which may cause men to feel shame . In my opinion if men feel shame around looking at porn then maybe they are the ones that need to look at why they feel it .

I'm not saying anyone should shame another person and I agree with you that all shaming does not come from a place of love . What I'm

Saying is that the problem is more complex than to say women are bad for shaming men around the issue of porn

Many women have highly complex feelings around the issue and many women are highly educated and have spent years studying the social implications of porn . Yet others , have suffered abuse and have feelings about men supporting an industry that things promoting sexuality of youth and innocence is at best questionable. For a long time society has silenced women and told any women who spoke up about these things to

Loosen up and stop being a prude etc but finally 'some ' people are starting to really question porn.

Being angry is different to shaming . I think it's important we keep

An awareness that people have a right to feel angry about injustice and if others feel shame then that's on them

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with FA,

It's not just ONE misunderstanding that made her drop you. Her world view is skewered in HER favor. If you do something she will NOT listen to an explanation because it's EASIER for her to make ASSUMPTIONS. That way YOU fit into her world view of men. (all men are the same).

She can't have cared for you that deeply if THIS ONE thing made her lose all trust in you to a point where she doesn't even WANT to hear what you have to say. She is being IMMATURE.

You can't SAVE a relationship all on your own if SHE doesn't want to be with you anymore. That's a fact.

I don't like it when I hear (especially) women shaming men for doing something like watching porn. Sure it's OK to NOT like porn and it's OK to not want a partner who watches porn - but to SHAME them for looking (or like in your case NOT looking) I find it distasteful and manipulative. It doesn't come from a LOVING partner to SHAME someone.

So in short, I think we all get that you REALLY care about her, but I think she CARES/CARED less. If you know you didn't DO things she is accusing you off, think about it for a minute. Would a person who CARES about you NOT want to hear what you have to say? And If she doesn't trust you, why would you fight to stay with her?

On the other hand, if porn is a total no-go then she did what SHE felt was right and while you may not like it, you have to accept her choice in ending it. Her standard is NO PORN whatsoever and it's also an "I'm never wrong".

I'm sorry that you are hurting. If I were you I'd work on moving on.

Also, why was she going through your phone? If she just needed to use yours for a text/call she wouldn't have seen your browser history.... So even BEFORE this, she didn't trust you.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (20 June 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntkew37 writes, "so I'm supposed to just lay dead like a fish and let our entire relationship be destroyed because of a simple misunderstanding?"

I stand by my original advice. Or to put it in your particularly apt words, Your problem is not due to a simple misunderstanding. Your problem is due to a seriously flawed world view. You do not need to just lie there and take it, you need to realize what a feted pool of poison you are in, and act quickly to get out of it before you are indeed a dead fish.

If there was some solution to this problem we would have shared it with you. This problem is as old as society and we have not yet found a good solution to it. You will not likely do better.

The good news is that while you are pining and hoping for a reconciliation you are not wasting your time on a rebound relationship. You would be better served to focus your energy on self improvement and self confidence.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (19 June 2017):

judgedick agony auntshe is using the porn as why she is braking up with you , she might not be happy with where the relationship is going and she might be not into the new sex acts you are trying out with her , to me an outsider it looks as the real communication has brocking down and you started going in different ways , peopple do grow apart with out knowing it is happening and one day find they are not with the type person they need

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntShe was very young when you two got together. She has changed a lot over the course of your relationship. It is unusual for relationships started that early in life to last very long so, from that point, it is probably not surprising that she has chosen to end things.

The fact that, despite 3 years of dating, her family don't really know you would also lead me to suspect that she never saw the relationship as something long term, otherwise she would have integrated you into her family life.

I suspect the sudden venture into sex toy territory also scared her a little. After all, there are sex toys and sex toys. Plugs are really not your basic sex toys. You could have built up gradually to that sort of thing.

If she has decided the relationship is over, then there is probably not a lot you can do to make her change her mind. If you still want to get back with her, send her one last message stating your case but then draw a line and move on. And maybe in future, if you are venturing into similar areas with a partner, do your research on-line TOGETHER.

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A male reader, kcw37 United States +, writes (19 June 2017):

kcw37 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

And reading some of these answers, shows me how close minded people are, again the woman assuming I was the one initiating these sexual related things.

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A male reader, kcw37 United States +, writes (19 June 2017):

kcw37 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think you guys are reading it wrong.. me and her both decided to research these toys. If you Google toys in Google video, the top videos are porn sites. I can see how that could seem to someone but I was just trying to show her a video cause she didn't no about it, we have the same sexual desires it has nothing to do with that. She simply misunderstood, so I'm supposed to just lay dead like a fish and let our entire relationship be destroyed because of a simple misunderstanding?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry OP,

IF she has decided that you are doing things behind her back and that she can't trust you... there isn't ANYTHING you can do to convince her otherwise. And there isn't ANY point either.

My guess is, she was looking for a way to end it. If she thinks "all men are the same" she will not be very good at relationships in the long run.

Wanting to spice up the sex life is "normal" in most relationships, though I CAN see where she came from if it was a LOT of new things all of a sudden from your end. NOT that it is a bad thing but obviously it was not what SHE wanted.

Leave her be, don't try and explain your actions. BLOCK her from everything (social media, phone, etc. and work on moving on.)

In good time get back out there and hopefully, you will find a girl with the same values as you but with a bit more of an open mind.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

She has a right to do as she wishes. Obviously you did not make her feel safe with you. I don't blame her. It destroys your self worth and inner peace to stay with a man you do not trust. And I don't think you are blameless either. You must have done SOMETHING to make her feel this way.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

She has made-up her mind. There isn't much you can do with a person who doesn't trust you.

You'll have to let her go. Don't place any woman up on a pedestal. They will try to live-up to those standards and fear not being perfect will be less than your expectations. She now thinks she has found a flaw in you; so you come across as a less than perfect boyfriend.

You'll have to suck it up, and stop trying to convince her when she doesn't believe you. It never would have worked-out over the long-run; because she has trust-issues. It's not you, it will be every guy from hereafter. Until she realizes she has to trust someone, or be alone.

First of all, be a man. You've plead your case and got nowhere. That's enough. Women with negative-opinions of males need to workout their personal-issues. They're too traumatized or immature to deal with relationships. They blame all men for their own bad choices or maybe one bad experience is all it took. Eventually they will figure it out.

They need to face loneliness long enough to come to their senses and grow-up. When you can see your own faults and fix them; you then start to make better choices.

Leave her alone to think. Don't beg or say another word. It has to process through her mind if she has made the right decision. If she doesn't try to contact you, move on. Respect her decision to go.

There is also another side to this.

Some ladies are not into sex toys and kinky sex. She may have more conservative values, and was disgusted by your interest in things that she is obviously not into.

If you had to find it on a porn site, she was right. You're too kinky for her taste; and in her mind, that may mean you're not the kind of guy she wants for a boyfriend. She's not a dummy, you learn about these toys in porn magazines, porn videos, or on porn sites. You don't find them in the back of Time magazine. She's not that kind of girl.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntLet me re-write the title for you.

"my Keeper punished me for a misdeed that she imagined"

Now read that a few times and think about how lucky you are to be free of this lopsided non- relationship.

To reiterate what I've been saying for some time. Relationships are made up of TRUST. Every relationship is a relationship of Trust. Where there is now and has always been an absence of trust, there is an absence of relationship.

to answer your specific question your "relationship with her was doomed before you met her. With a all men are the same attitude, ans a tendency to punish first and investigate never, you were an interesting distraction to her. Nothing more. I'm sorry that you were tricked into believing that she loved you.

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A male reader, kcw37 United States +, writes (18 June 2017):

kcw37 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She's 20 if that makes a difference.

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