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My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore and she doesn't want to talk about it, how do I solve this issue with her?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2008) 94 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2014)
A male New Zealand age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a 28 year old man who has been in a relationship with another 28 year old woman for 18 months living together for 1 year. Our relationship is pretty good except for the lack of sex. We both love each other very much.

At first she wanted it all the time almost daily, but gradually over the months it became less and less frequent from 3 - 4 times a week to weekly to fornightly then after 9 months once a month if I was lucky and this has persisted until now. She says she loves me and she's still attracted to me, she just never wants sex with me or anyone. She's never in the mood, and she never initiates things...the only time we do have sex is if I ask for it repeatedly then eventually she would give it too me out of pity I guess. This dragged on for four months and was a constant source of arguments, now I don't even ask all that much as it just disappoints me though I still feel just as unhappy and unattractive and miserable that my girlfriend doesn't find me sexually attractive which she says se still does but I obviously don't believe.

She doesn't seem to want to talk about it with me it just seems to be a thats the way it is sort of thing from her end she won't talk to a doctor or anyone, well she probably talks to her friends but not me about it. When we started our relationship we both agreed that an enjoyable sex life was a key ingredient to a relationship and she was the aggressor most of the time, now it doesn't seem to matter at all.

I have tried explaining how I feel for months and nothing has changed no trying anything now I just keep quiet but that hasn't worked in the last 3 months either I feel quite insecure because I guess now I am just waiting for someone to come along who she is attracted too.

I feel selfish and silly writing this but after 9mths I am out of ideas and don't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship! Please help!

View related questions: in the mood, insecure, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014):

Ok after reading many posts being a women who's 44 & had 3 long term relationships hopefully I can help answer why some women go off sex with the guy they love this isn't just from my experiences it's from friends too

Sorry guys some if you don't know how to please a women sexually HEY some of you will scream at me YOU WOMEN DONT KNOW HOW YO PLEASE US GUYS - very true then teach your women what makes sex good for you .....

BJ well I'd like to say if you expect many BJs return the oral favour as believe it or not us women too just want quick relief , that's the thing many guys fail to realise- if you expect light relief Then I can assure you so do we women it's nice isn't it ?

Sex women sadly get horny by what happens outside the bedroom we think much more than you about everything

The pretty girl you looked at when you were with us but you failed to notice we saw

The 'yes' replies you give is Meaning I'm not really listening to you 'yes'

Helping with housework cooking You may think you do your share but most of you don't

Chemistry & lust sadly it does fade prob more for women

You say you want to talk about lack of sex but maybe if you talked about what can I do that would make you happy first you may see a change if she says nothing say I realise lack if sex can be me not being helpful & attentive

Tiredness us women on the whole usually do more than men

We work do most the housework are expected to give you guys hot sex daily when we are tired

Try for a week and see what happens

Cooking

Shopping

Cleaning

Run her a bath with candles lighting up the bathroom

Take her out on a date night

Buy for flowers

Remember the effort you made at the beginning go back to basics

Yes some women may think that's it I have him now the efforts not important not purposely just getting into comfort zones aren't good so maybe point out if we don't get back on track BOTH of us then we will drift apart

X

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A female reader, MarmaladeTrousers United Kingdom +, writes (17 August 2012):

I am a female and I came upon this forum because I am the very same problem that the men here are experiencing (and some women).

A few thoughts. It's hilarious what many of the women below write - that you're doing these little things that damage the closeness etc, that you don't treat her as you once did, that you are hiding a smoking issue. I doubt very much that this has anything to do with it.

I've noticed a few correlations though between the posters experiences.

1. Is that in many of the cases, the women are unemployed or in some way looked after. It looks like maybe they don't spend that much time independently engaging with the world.

If sex is psychological, then engaging with the world is fuel. There is only so much stimulation a significant other can provide. The last thing the significant other should do is provide everything for the women even is she tries to work it so you do. This is a terrible trap because everything about her becomes impotent. If she's pregnant or raising children or maybe in school/building a business with specific goals (and for these latter 2, roles can be reversed as well) then YES, provide but otherwise, she's perfectly capable of going out there and earning a living for herself.

2. All those friendly squeezes, all those silly jokes and all of that general bon homie, be careful you don't turn into brother and sister. A lot of quality time spent together? Would you have sex with your sibling?

3. The hottest thing is to be desired by everyone so get out into the world. Get off the computer. Go meet your friends. Go to masquerades, swing dance, go to swingers parties, go to educational talks, get another degree, write a script together, play in a sand pit with a small group of friends. Whatever. This is true for both of you. She needs to go be sexy and fun and vivacious. Adventure breeds hotness. Adventure is hot! If you're being awesome, on fire, alive in your activities, she'll get competitive. Or sink into despair - but then, that's actually not your responsibility totally because it doesn't likely have so much to do with you.

4. We have 1. Who we have turned out to be (somehow) and 2. Who we want/ed to be. Sometimes these match and sometimes they don't. Any idea who she wants to be? Any idea of what she ideally desires in a mate? These are sticky questions but if her expectations of you and self are incredibly high or just very different than the reality, then there's an issue. It's mostly about her though. If she isn't who she wants to be she'll feel badly - especially if you're the only one giving her the feelings of self worth. You see, if she had it coming from all sides, she could desire you but if it only comes from you, well then unfortunately, that might not translate well to sexual expectation because then it will feel like a trade off. Feelings of self worth traded for sex. Whether that's remotely true, this can easily be how it's translated. Not healthy.

5. How do you live? Is it interesting? Stimulating? Intellectually, emotionally, visually, actively engaging?

6. Unfortunately as a pretty girl, you get hit on a hell of a lot and made to feel too much like this is part of your worth. When in an intimate relationship, sometimes the thing you want to do most, is never again think about sex. Most of you say your girlfriends are very pretty and being very pretty - or just plain attractive to the opposite sex can really suck when you want to get stuff done in the real world.

If your gf's family didn't totally support her intellectual endeavours growing up it meant she entered in a little fragile and if she's pretty, totally the little lamb that all the wolves constantly circled. It sucks but that's actually not you or her but society stripping her of her control all of the time with a whole history based on that.

So, the only way forward is for her to find her greatest talents and not be afraid to use them. Don't coddle her too much, don't treat her like a 'cutie', a sweet, lovely little one, an adorable girl, a sexy babe if all this is going down (ie: no sex life) be about her awesome brain, her super talents and foster those. Only support true healthy endeavour and when you do don't make it a tit for tat, just do it. Push her until she's high and mighty. If you do that, you yourself need never fear because there ain't a thing that isn't amazingly high and mighty about you - so with her or someone else, you're awesome. And superman.

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A male reader, mr. true United States +, writes (12 May 2012):

Well boyz, I hate to break the news to you. . . .

but I'm a 46 year old man,

who has been in 4 long-term (4 year +) relationships. . .

But I never married any of them!

You wanna know why? It's not because I didn't love 'em...

The reason I didn't marry 'em, is because with every one of these chicks,

eventually the sex got to be less and less, the longer I was with them. (period)

I don't know anyone who's had it any other way.

The sex at first is every day. Then less, and less, and less ..........

Imagine how little pussy you get once your married?

Mr. True out!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012):

This wall seems to be one dedicated to the same problem I am having. I am 23 years old. Been together six years. I completely in love with the girl. Marriage is constantly a conversation. However, I feel sexually inadequate because I am always the one innitiating contact or attempting to starts something. It is driving me nuts! We would have sex like rabbits a few years back. Now our sex life is completely uninspired. I am stuck cus i love her and all, but I don't want to spend my life without sex. We are all men here, and we know it much more than being a dog and sleeping around with many other women. However, that fire for the opposite sex is always there. What turns me on, the same things that have always turned me on, I am still highly motivated to have sex all the time, wherever or whenever. We've had a talk about this issue. I thought things would change but the problem is still there.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012):

I don't know whether to feel hopeful or hopeless. It's kinda nice to know I'm not the only person who deals with this. My girlfriend is 22 i'm 26. We've been together for going on 2 years. We've been living together for about 8 months. She is the love of my life, we're practitically engaged and we talk about getting married almost daily. We are very much in love but like the rest of you on here we are lacking in the intimacy department. We barely have sex once a month. We've talked/argued about our sex life (or lack thereof) and she has explained to me that she doesn't want to risk getting pregnant and she is stressed from jobhunting (she is currently unemployed). I completely understand these reasons however we have both agreed that we like being intimate and its healthy for our relationship to do so. And there are other ways to be intimate than intercourse. This would be just fine except it doesn't happen. We almost never get close enough to eachother to initiate any kind of fore play. When I try to cuddle with her she pushes me away. It's hard to get anything but a chicken peck from her. Sometimes I just want to lock lips and have a passionate kiss. It's so frustrating because I don't want to have sex or be intimate with anyone else I just want her. And the more we don't have intimacy the more I feel like I want/need it. The worst is when I work up the courage to get close to her and just gently touch her (not sexually) and I get pushed away or told "You're invading my space" "I don't want to be touched right now" "Don't be annoying". It makes me feel completely worthless. Like why even bother making an attempt when I'm just going to feel pathetic when she rejects me. It's not like I'm some sex addict I don't need/want it all the time. Once in a while like ever week or every other week would be great. Is that asking too much? I don't feel like it is wrong for me to have this desire. But when I try to talk to her about it I always end up feeling guilty somehow like I shouldn't have brought it up. The other day I started talking to her about it and it turned into an argument so we stopped talking about it and took a couple hours to cool off. I texted her telling her I love her very much and I would like to continue our "sex talk" when she's ready. It's been almost a week and she hasn't brought it up. I don't know what to do. If I keep bringing it up and "nagging" her that's just going to exacerbate the situation. Or If I bite my tongue and try to caress her now and again hoping eventually she'll be in the mood will be even more detrimental to my mental state due to the repeated rejection. So that's where I'm at. I'm in the same boat as all of you guys and I feel your pain.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012):

Okay, sorry, but same story! Started off hot and heavy, after a year she moved in, sex stopped soon after, now we have (pathetic, get it over with) sex once a month and I've tried everything to change it. She says she loves me (all the time-to the point of excess), she wants to get married now (not the reason behind - the lack of sex, marriage talks started this month, sexlessness for almost a year). I refuse to beg, but I came up with a non-judgmental way to talk about it (several times), says she wants to be sexual but just is never in the mood (due to weight gain, depression, and stress at work). I tried to be supportive but now I feel hurt/lonely/angry/depressed almost every night by the lack of intimacy, yada yada yada.

That's not the reason for my post.

The reason is to ask this question. Has it worked out for anyone out there? Have you made it through the sexless abyss? If so, what worked for you? I've read a lot that says for a lot of women, once they're over it - they're over it. She's a competitive woman, so maybe once she moved in there was no more to conquer and she got bored? Women, I'd like your story too, if you've had the same situation and found your passion again. What did he do/you do/both do? I love my gf, but I'm very sexual and (although I don't expect anyone I'm with to keep up with my libido) I can't deal with the complete lack of intimacy for too much longer. I just want my love life back, is it possible?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012):

iv been with my girlfriend for almost a year now.

We had sex regularly up until about my birthday. We've had a few minor problems in our relationship before. When we were first togethere she cheated on me with one of my freinds but she ment alot to me and I wanted to try to make it work since there's been no (knowen) problems with cheating but since around september we went from sex regularly sometimes even more then 2 twice aa day to 2 month break periods in between I love her and don't want to leave her over it but o feel ugly and unattractive.

Now I worry she's hoping for me to break up with her over this or she doesn't find me slightly atteactive anymore. Or my worst fear of her getting it from some one else I don't understand y she has changed does anyone whos written found out wat there girlfreinds are thinking mine keeps saying she just doesn't feel like it anymore

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012):

i have been with my girlfriend for two years, she is absolutely beautiful, funny and everything i ever wanted, and i tell her that daily.

I have known her for 12 years, which is saying a lot considering that im only 26. I feel like we love each other unconditionally, but she never wants to have sex anymore.

At first we had sex several times a day, in every position, and place possible. Now i have to beg her to do it in a different position and more than once every couple of weeks. To me sex is an extremely emotional thing that connects people closer together than words could, and the constant denial of that is devasting to everything that i am. i would never stray, but my libido is extremely high, and i feel as if she doesent have love for me anymore.

its not that i dont satisfy her, its just that she dosent seem interested. to all you women out there doing this to your men, its a horrible thing, that makes us feel inadequate , unattractive, not loved, and, i promise you, you will make us resent you for it in the end.

-a shell of a man

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A male reader, Stevoluvcharly United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2011):

Hey, I kinda have the same problem. Me and my girl have been together 8 months and have our own place I m 20 in a matter of days and she is 18. And we love each other so much. And like most of you sex was almost everyday at first now it 2 weeks apart and the gap keeps growing. And I feel like she isn't attracted to me sexually anymore. I try to turn her on but no avail. I ve told her how I feel a few times and she says sorry then we have sex and thn its the waiting game again. She doesn't even want to talk to me on the phone as much anymore when I m In work. We used to talk for hours. But know its like if we talk wen your in work well have nothing to talk about when you get home. BULLSHIT. The worst thing is that we want a baby and a few months ago we started trying but now with the two week wait each time are chance are shit tbh. It hurts so bad because I really love her and I want a baby with her so bad and used to want a baby with me. But now I m not sure if she does. She doesnt even want to kiss as much when I kiss her she looks at tv or doest even kiss back.

I love her so much and I dnt want to lose her but I dnt want to get hurt.

Time will tell I guess.

I just feel really self conscious since the sex has gone dwn hill

I dnt feel good about myself anymore I feel ugly and unattractive.

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A male reader, jdz United States +, writes (26 May 2011):

my gf and I have been dating for 4 years now.

sex was great in the begining, during college, slowly faded. we have now both moved back home to our parents houses, and sex is almost non existent.

it has been like this for about a year and a half now. it started still in school were i felt like i would have to give her a back massage just to get her to think about it. now its that she works all day (which i do the same), or shes too tired, or that she doesnt want to in her parents house. now i can understand her feelings but it comes to a certain point where you ask why not?

it is not some terrible energy draining thing that takes hours. never seemed such a "struggle" before, any thoughts

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011):

As a woman in a 3 year relationship with my man I am so fucking glad I found this forum!! I am in the same boat as everyone here but me playing the sexless loveless woman role in all of your stories. I have read about 30 of the long stories on this page and you guys have seriously opened up my eyes to the reality of what a real relationship is. My partner and myself are both 21, we have been been together for 3 years but known each other since we were just 12 years old when we first met on an kids chat room on the internet, we were online friends for a very long time and didn't actually meet in person until we were 18. I remember the first time we met was magical, it was as if we had known each other all our lives. Ever since that first moment we have been inseparable. I finished college and moved in with him straight after away, I left all of my friends and family to be with 100 miles away because that's how much he means to me. We spend a lot of time together (He works but I am currently unemployed) but we don't have the money to go out anywhere, we pretty much just scrape by every week. So a lot of the time we spend together is spent in the house, we get bored a lot and can bicker at each other - Probably just over boredom. But one thing I can say - and I think we're both pretty fucking proud of it is that we have not once had a full blown argument in 3 years of being together. Now getting to the point here, my man has a very VERY high sex drive (which I cannot keep up with) and is fucking shit hot in bed, he is the first and only person to make me come (my 2 previous boyfriends failed) and I have never and would never dream of cheating on him. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives, grow old together and have a family - However after reading the posts on this forum you have given be a massive blow to the head! I realise that this is not going to happen unless I make more of an effort to appreciate what he has done and still does for me for the past 3 years we have been together by rewarding him sexually! Our sex life used to be amazing, we would have sex 3 to 5 times a day and he would still be ready for more, but now it's a different story; I turn him down a lot, 7 out of 10 times he comes onto me I don't want it. I don't feel myself being aroused any more although I do still find him really sexy and attractive. That's because we have become to comfortable in each others company, I don't feel that I have to make the effort to do anything any more. He worships me like i'm a goddess even when I feel I am looking my lowest (no make up, wild hair, bed clothes) I know that whether I put make up on or not he is going to want to have sex with me when he comes home from work. I've put on a couple of stone since we got together (so has he) and I am quite self conscious about my new found curves but he doesn't act any differently towards me than when he put his hands on me for the first time. I know that he loves me and that I am the only one he fantasises about or thinks about when he is at work. He is very generous, even though we don't have a lot of money he does buy me little things he knows that I like when he can afford it. He would do anything that I would ask him to do. Fuck I mean he would go to prison if it meant I would be safe. It's been since the 2nd year we were together that my want for sex just dropped, I don't know why I know it's me not him because he still wants sex 5 times a day, however we only have sex now about 3 times a week. Now this isn't as bad I see as some of you who are having to wait a fortnight for your girlfriend to want to have sex with you but he definitely notices it. I see that he is upset and disappointed when I don't want to have sex.

After reading the posts on this forum I am very scared that my man is feeling the exact same way as you guys about your girlfriends. I don't want him to resent me and possibly reconsider spending the rest of his life with me because I don't put out enough, you have made me very scared that this could happen! So from today I am changing my ways, as soon as he gets home today I am pouncing on him as soon as he gets through that fucking door and giving him some awesome sex to say "thank you baby for being such an amazing partner, I love you and I want you and only you forever" - Cause guys, that's what sex says right? I'm going to go out of my way everyday to do this for him, to show him that I am his woman and I want him + Most importantly to say thank you for everything that you do for me I really appreciate it. I don't want to lose what we have between us which is so special because of something that could ultimately take just 30 minutes a day to keep alive. He is my soul mate and now I really believe we'll stand the test of time. :)

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A male reader, weakSOB Australia +, writes (26 April 2011):

You know what? I feel for every last guy that made the effort to sit on his PC, google this sad subject, take the time to read most of the posts if not all (like me),

subscribe, and pour his heart out about a topic that he probebly didnt even share with his closest mates.

BUT!!!!!!

You know what else? Im starting to hate every single BITCH that comes on here for whatever reason!!! and gives her own personal advice about a problem she is probebly cuasing her own man, trying to make herself fell better about her doings. Telling us we dont try, we dont give, we dont care and that all we want is sex sex sex....well go FUCK yourself if you have nothing better to say.

BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

any guy that has writen something here is a guy that has tried everything in the book. (except putting it in another hole) which wouldnt be such a bad idea after all.

atleast it would give us a good reason to buy flowers. cause where we stand you deserve nothing but being left alone in bed while we kick it with our friends.

the harder we try, the less we get. the more we communicate, the more it turns you off. the less we communicate and try, the more bored you get. so basically we need to stick around, jurk off like thirteen year-olds and wait for some guy to pick you up and give it to you like we first did when we met you? I dont think so!!

the saddest part about it, is we even think about giving them a ring...hahah...i feel sorry for the ones who already did. I mean, what are you promesing yourself? that shell change? that some how she will come home and rape you silly? that shell give you a bj while you watch a game on tv? when the truth is that you havent got a bj in a year? you think maybe that shell touch you at a bar and whisper in your ear come to the parking lot or to the car cause i want you now?? come on???!!!

just because of a ring?? dont fucken fool yourself.

this forum has just saved my pathetic future with my gf (which i love more than life). you know how? there is no future.

I want, no, i deserve to be: wanted, lusted, loved, complimented, trusted, idolized, pampered, respected, seduced and fucked,,,,,,, etc.

if thats too much to ask...than single is best.

one guy posted and i love it:

"i rather be alone and single, than alone with someone"

i think you all get my drift. good luck and find your balls again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011):

I've been dating my gf for two years. We have a wonderful loving

Relationship. Our sex life was great

Until about 8months ago. I try to talk to her about

It and she gets defensive. Now at most itll happen

Once a month. I am and always have been

Very romantic and effectionate to her. I don't know

What's killing her sex drive? She is on the pill

But now it just seems like were winding into

A happy sexless relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

i agree with a few of you, i ve also notice the more time i spend with my girlfriend the less sex we have, but when we decided to spend 2 nights apart, i had the best sex in a while when we saw each other on the 3rd day, so the basic mechenics of it is, the less time or less physical time you spend together, increases her arouse towards you, She believes the more time yous are together the safer her connection is, but if u give her that doubt or uncertany about that connection, well she has to do something which will strengthen that connection, which most of the time leads to sex

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

i'm in pretty much the same boat as everyone else here. me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 4 years, and havent had sex for almost a year and a half. any time i try to kiss her, she pulls away almost as soon as our lips touch, and if i try to give her another one then or later in the day she says " you already got a kiss" i love her to death but i cannot keep going in a relationship with no sex, no kissing, no intimacy whatsoever. i do everything i can for her and ask for nothing in return.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010):

I feel everyone's pain here. I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months and are very much in love. We see each other everyday and I feel like I'm a good boyfriend. I spend time with her, her family, watch her 7 year old sister when needed. We are both 24 and used to have sex everyday. When she was on her periods shed give me oral. Now 10 months later we haven't had sex in almost two weeks. I used to always bother her to have sex and eventually she said it was annoying. So I stopped and now the only times we have sex is when I break up with her and tell her this relationship seems unfair. I have no idea what to do anymore. In fact I'm resenting her for it, I don't feel like seeing her or doing anything nice for her. I'm shit broke and still take her out once a week. I'm paying my way through college and still buy her things. I even lied to her last night to not see her so I could be alone. It seems as if everything is more important to her than I am. We are way too young to be having sex once every two weeks. And if I bring it up she will just get mad. We used to speak of getting married now I'm not so sure. When I see her I just shut down and don't even want to talk with her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010):

Jim has the same problems as you have.

It is all about ME! everybody is a ME ME

I think it is more of a past problem. I also think it has been past down from generation to generation. Women were treated as sex objects and they had no rights they were basically slaves. Woman today are different. Not that they are any smarter but they no longer have to conform to a mans needs as they were expected to in the past. I feel that it is now payback time. How can we change your relationship with our woman that we ourselves have screwed up from our whinning and crying. I am trying to figure that one out.

Men need to start thinking with their bigger head.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010):

WOW, interesting exactly the same here, been together 4 or so years, 2 kids, first year of sex was fantastic, then dwindled to the point now where embarassingly yes I do ask for/initiate it and get pissed off if I don't... why shouldn't I! Its what people who love each other/into each other do as far as I am concerned.

I have slept with probably over 40 women since my late teens, and I concur that flowers and all the rest of the extra consideration make no difference if someone isn't into you.

Some women love sex, some need the constant challenge and then lose interest and then some reach a certian point of complacency (which is where I am sadly at now I think) I love my family but I can't go on like this, I don'ty want to make her sad and yes my insecurity has been put into overload over this.

She likes the fact I am there to support her and the chidren, sex as far as I can tell is a chore (im pretty damn good at it, sorry big headed) that keeps me happy and wanting to be there.. that's not love like I said.

Ed

I give support and have emotionally carried her since we met

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

I'm afraid it's not only you men out there who suffer from this... I am a bissexual woman who has for almost 2 years been in a lesbian relationship. It all started very well and sex was part of our secret relationship, sex was amazing not only because it was something different but because we both loved eachother so much we connected. After 1 year together our sexual life has just became very very inexistent. She says she hates sex, makes her feel dirty... i don't think she realises how these words make me feel, how would it make u feel?! Makes me feel like everytime we have done it, it was a favour, makes me feel really stupid and as you say very unwanted. She says, if i want sex i should look somewhere else even though she loves me and i love her madly... i asked her, what if i don't want it with anyone else?! Her reply was, then we fucked! great! i don't know what to do, of course i need sex like anyone who is in a relationship... i am feeling very pushed towards just having sex with a male friend who has been chatting me up for a while, just because i need to have that connection with someone. All she seems to like is the way i treat her and everything i do for her, spending time with me and making me cook for her, but even kissing is a bloody nightmare, i have ask for these! She is a cold person, which i am aware of and have tried hard to understand it, but i just can't do it anymore.. i love her like i never loved anyone, but i can't do it anymore, it's getting hard... I'm sorry that you are also in this situation, i totally sympathise with you and the frustration you feel!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010):

I'm glad that forums like this exist, because reading through these posts has been the more therapeutic for my problem than anything else I've tried. I don't feel that I have much to add that hasn't already been said, but I appreciate that others have shared their story, so I will leave mine here as well.

We have been dating for roughly 2.5 years and things started out really well. Sex wasn't terribly frequent, but I felt wanted enough. We also seemed to connect on a high emotional level, to the point that I was convinced that she was the girl I'd marry. We're both now 26, by the way. Like everyone else here, our sex life dropped off pretty suddenly several months into the relationship. Since then, she has never initiated anything and often resents me for trying. She hasn't touched me (sexually) with her hands in 2 years. She also will not perform oral. We have sex once a month, at most, and it's always by my initiation. I don't believe that I have stopped being a good guy, as I have always been the romantic one. I go through maddening cycles of trying to avoid any show of sexual desire, as that seems to put her off. I'll put my hand on her arm and force myself to fall asleep without making any advances. While this makes things peaceful, my frustration just builds during these times. I have tried to talk about it, telling her that having sex is less important to me than feeling sexually desired, but she quickly gets defensive and it turns into the typical "men just want sex" argument.

We are at a stage in our lives, at the end of grad school, where we need to decide to move forward together, or break it off. I love her deeply and feel that our relationship may still have potential to be great, but I am really struggling to let myself commit to a lifetime of this destructive tension. I have never cheated, and don't plan on it, but I know that I have a breaking point and I can't continue being in this relationship, as it currently stands.

To the men (and women) out there who are suffering from this problem, my heart goes out to you. A feeling of unrequited love is more painful than anything else on this earth.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

After three months the physical side of a things begun to grind to a halt. No matter what I tried, and how delicately I tried it, she would lean away from me. I ended up taking Agnus Castus - a herb designed to mute the sex drive. It didn't work. Instead it made me more upset and also resentful, frankly. I would lie in bed next to this cool girl, unable to sleep, deeply frustrated. I tried to bring the subject of no sexual warmth up many times. In the end I've given up. Simply walked out leaving a note. I'd rather be alone then alone with someone else...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010):

So I've read every post on here.. Yeah I'm on this same shitty sinking boat.. I've been in a relationship with this girl for 5.5 years.. I'm 25 now, as is she. The sex was great for about the first 6 months, after that it's gone into a landslide of nothingness.. I get sex every 2 weeks maybe, and a stupid un interesting "I don't want to do this" hand job. I've had sex with probably 25 different girls, some fat, some ugly, some prom queens, some old, some really young, some couples of girls, and I am not going to be fooled.. I know there are girls out there who like to get fucked, and won't dry out after 3 years.. I'm not going to be duped into this"ohh it's you, buy them flowers and all of that bs. Listen i treat her like gold, she's smokin hot, I'm young, was best dressed in hs, fairly in shape, bought a really nice house 4 years ago in the best development in our area, I work really hard, I'm intellectual, I have the best group of friends, it just is plain retarded.. I take her to dinners a couple nights a week usually 120-150 a whack, she lives in my house for free, which i have made so she' feels like it's her house too.. But Jesus she's about 2 steps from getting thrown out of this place.. Put out! Just do it! She's just lazy, tired, useless at this point. I just don't feel like I want to get married right now, and it's been like 5.5 years and her parents are riding me, she's riding me, but what the frig is the point for me? I can see it playing out.. I get married have kids, get divorced in 6 or 7 years because she's selfish and not putting out, and I lose. Well I don't like to lose.. I'm so sick of this.. I am a really sexual guy, but I'm also realistic, and sharp and I understand sex everyday is too much, I understand about not asking fir it, but you have to initiate it after a few days if your telling me that you don't want me to ask.. Get a brain! Seriously I won't ask but come on to me.. There a a lot of girls out there that want to get slammed.. Guys if you read this entire rant from me take this one point to the bank, I have a dainty gf, she's a pampered little princess, if you want one that will be fun and put out go with a more masculine type of girl. I'm not saying a female body builder, I'm saying maybe a tough field hockey girl, or a softball player.. One with small masculine features. Those are the girls that will want to spend time with you, get into your hobbies, not be lazy and have a sense of self entitlement. Thats some real info for you right there. It's gotten to the point where I have to shit or get off the toilet, I'm getting pressure from her family, and it isn't fair. Does she think her mom doesn't put out? She's horny I feel the vibes, and trust me I can tell.. Also her middle sister is a freak and she knows what's up.. I think these dumb ass girls need to figure out whats up.. Maybe it's a maturity thing I don't know, it's frustrating.. Make them put out or get out!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010):

Once again Im in the exact same situation. Im 21 and my fiancee is 18, we've been together for about a year and a half and over the last few months are sex life has gradually dried up. Recently she told me she doesnt want sex at all anymore but I cant help but feel that its just me she doesnt want. She says Im her whole world and couldnt be without me but then after me pushing for answers on why she doesnt want it she admitted to hqving sexual thoughts about a guy at work (who I have already in the past got mad because he always txts her flirty messages) she then tells me that im being stupid and they are just good friends but I would stake a million on her fucking him if we ever broke up. Ive tried the romantic aproach, tried giving her space, tried everything. But how can I possibly work it out when she just says she doesnt know why she feels that way? I dont want to lose her but fuck! We're way to young to be in a sexless relationship. All my other exes had the opposite problem with me, they all said I was great in bed but an absolute asshole as a boyfriend, so this time round ive been sweet caring, always picked her over hanging with friends etc and she doesnt want sex at all now? Im scared that we're just treading water untill she finds someone who she does want physically and then im left an emotional wreck. I know I will never let myself get this vunerable again if we do break up, I dont want to feel like this ever again, but I love her so god damn much, I cant sleep properly anymore and i hate being alone with my own thoughts. Fuck you to all the women saying we dont make an effort, learn what you want and maybe you'll start getting it. The sick thing is that rather than getting off to other women, I actually think imagine being a guy she actually does want to have sex with. The worst thing is that if the only option is break up or be miserable then I'll choose being miserable because if we break up and she fucks someone else soon after then I will fucking die inside, I literally am not strong enough to take that kinda pain. 2 years ago I would have laughed at how pathetic I now am, I coulnt have imagined being this week and would have just said "ah whatever, fuck someone else and boot her out"

I guess Im just gonna have to live with my choice but if someone has a fix for this problem then I would be eternally greatful.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010):

I have to disagree with the females on here. Im a Victim of the female mind. 10 years later and 3 children im out on my ear this Christmas.

Ive been 'moved out' before, about 5 years ago, under the exact same circumstances. In fact, it was the same time of year so that says a lot about Christmas doesnt it?

My Girlfriend never wants sex. I have tortured myself many times thinking she is interested in someone else (here we go) even though she says she isnt.

I dont understand it, after 10 years I feel like I hardly know her at all.

I salute anyone going through this, its isnt easy, especially if you have kids. Ill be sleeping on someones sofa again tonight and I could (as I did 5 years ago) beat myself up thinking shes having mad passionate sex with an ex-army hero, with muscles, caring and with a few quid. Why do I think this? Because captain 'flamin' paranoia is on my back. For all I know, she could be... but then what could I do about it?

I did my crying 5 years ago, since then we got back together and had a third child (note: you only need to have sex once to have a child, I didnt get lots of it).

I still remember everything I learned from the last time, yes it will be painful to me, yes I will struggle to work properly (im doing this at work now), and yes the kids could grow up calling someone else Dad in the future.

The thing is, and this is what Ive learned despite trying my hardest, there is no point in beating yourself up over it. Its hard, I know... realy I do. But dont start reading MensMagazines about why women live it rough and all that jazz your just going to make it worse.

My mussus may have like it rough but never with me, I got shouted at for being rough so what could I have done?

So to all you women on here talking about candlight suppers and meals out - Bolox! Tried it, its just not enough, you never get what you want AND you dont know what you want.

So loser or not im single again and to be honest Ill enjoy it more this time before / if I get shacked up again.

And to the burely squaddy or rich tart of a bloke shes shagging next... if your reading this.... good luck mate, Ill see you in 2 years when your heads in bits... and if your clever you'll move out instead of wasting another 8 years trying to win back her affection.

To all on here who are victims please done give up, live a little and try to put it into perspective without letting your fears take over.

God help me im going to try, and with my new found rejection and self-loathing ill do the best i can...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010):

I think women start off a relationship like that to make us fall for them and this wow this is amazing. Then once they have us they feel they dont need to keep having sex as often because we have fallen for them and dont want to leave them. Thats the way it seems to me at least. My gf says she doesnt want to have sex as much any more because we see each other so much (we live together). But if i work late nights and we dont see each other as much then she gets annoyed at me because we dont see each other enough and we end up fighting, so then of course there is no sex. I try lots of different things in the bedroom and 9/10 i get her to come but she doesnt seem to want to spice up our sex life either. I recently took her on a holiday but even that didnt work and i treat her really well and buy her presents too. Nothing seems to work any more

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

the reason is she wants to break up with you but she doesnt want to hurt you so instead she goes on suffering for the sake of your happiness. Do her a favor and break up with her and move on with your life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

i'm going to post this every time i see this issue because i think that most people don't understand the mechanisms behind female desire. hopefully that's ok...

read this article about female lust, it will help answer your questions! it's the first thing i've ever read that explains the situation!

i'm a female and i love my bf and think he's smokin hot! yet i rarely get lusty feelings for him and only for other men. yet i don't want other men in my life. i know it makes no sense. unlike the other women though, i do my best to get into each encounter because i know it makes my bf happy. i try to think of it like vitamins for the relationship. sometimes i get into it after i've started (always have lube!) and other times i don't. i really miss the days of our first year when it was effortless and the energy and lust was strong and amazing. sigh....

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201005/learning-lust

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A male reader, ellis1981 United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2010):

I read all posts on here and i had to join o say thankyou ...we all take the pisouta mates when they are under the thumb but im totally in love with agal i met she was highlysexed shaggin 3 bloes same time but soon as i got to know her i fellabsolutely in love so much so it hurts i am currently living athers we obviously did for the 1st month have god enjoyable sex she was pissed every time i met her though!! but decided id give usa go she fucked other ppl off and stuck into gettin toknow me iwas meetin her kids tkeing them to school and cooking dinnersshe wasntlooing for anything serious but she sed she felt love there she splitt from a7 year relationship 3 monts before we met eachother im 29 she 34,suddenly i was asking for sex not fo me but both v us as something for just me n her to share at this point she stopped drinkin wine all i id was keep on;and she sed im witty intelleget and have a heart her ex had the looks they never arged n she wanted me to touch her how he was use to being touched but i sed u mite as well go ge ya ex backim me and she wasnt the sae as my previous partner,,,,being different is good she told me there were rumers f her shaggin ppl behind her ex boyfriends bac whichshe alwys denid the bloe she as accused of gettn it on with was someone she sed she dint like but had sex theday her fella left n gave himoral pleasure etc.. theres a reason i put this down bare ith me plz . so she finally turns rnd lastmonth and said she wasnt physicaly atracted to me i feel so stupid and a fool becoz i love her i cant leave her! trapped! so i ed wll you sure ya aint feelin down n she then proceeded to say she was so in love with me that we dint need sex? i said thas the one thing we do that brings us close she just layed there after naggin n naggin which i sed all i want is you to noy have a drink andmake me feel wanted not kow if u dont want but at ome point plz for me make an effort......still waiin she's in bed and does anyone know wot its like to want someone secrtly know deep down it wont ever work but onvince yself it will i feel ugly fat and i think i could have a breakdown comeing i feel like ending it...if i was brave enough i would! please any advice welcome or questions i eed some help with this matter,my life means nothing without her she calls the shots on everything and iv never been like that iv alwassed my bit orstuck up 4 meself but dont wana lose her she did say she wud try n be initiateing sex on some day but surelyit should b spontaneous if u have to make yaself do it ......i feel ugly n no1else wud look at me......that bloke i mentioned earlier she told me dint wana hearit but he had more intamacy than someone she suposedly cares about ? HELP!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010):

Ok Guys. I'm having this problem, but I believe I'm close to a solution. Here me out...

I'm engaged to a 24 year old and I'm 29. The first year we used to have sex a lot. After the first year, it started to slowly go downhill. I could not figure out why because I treated her with so much respect. I bought flowers all the time and took her out to nice dinners. So anyway, we are actually getting married in 3 weeks and she tells me that my touch does not make her aroused at the least. She tells me she loves me, but there is little physical attraction there. She tells me that I have to explore more and take her to different places to have sex. However, I tried having a candlelight dinner at the river park and she completely turned sex down.

I sat in my room a month ago and thought about the past few times we had sex (a couple times in the past 3 months). Each time we had sex, there was a correlation in the events that happened prior. Bare with me now...

1) I partied with my friends and instead of calling her to say goodnight, I sent a brief text message. The next morning, she called me very upset because I couldn't make the effort to call her. Well, I told her I would make a visit to see her the following day. What do you know, she was wanting sex pretty bad. I mean, I wanted sex too, but this was a rare occasion that she initiated.

2) I went out to a club another time with some friends from work and completely ignored her phone call. I told her in the morning that I left my phone in the car and didn't call back b/c it was late. She was very different the next day. She was touching me, smiling, and in a good mood. Yes, I had sex.

3) My fiance came with me to a party and I happened to know some other women. I went and said hi to them, but paid little attention to my fiance during our conversation (I introduced her of course). After a little while, she definitely started to get jealous and I picked up on it. I figured I would use it to my advantage for some sex! As I was in the car ride back with my fiance, she asked a few questions about the women to get to know more about them. Obviously, my fiance wanted to make sure her territory is safe from intruders! The fact is, she wanted to mark her territory as well that night! I don't know if she was having sex because she wanted to let me know who is #1 or what. It was great passionate and intimate sex.

So with all 3 stories, notice a trend?... My fiance gets aroused based on suspicion. I'm not saying to act like you're cheating on her or be a complete asshole, but always keep her on the seat of her pants. If there is suspicion, she is going to cure it by holding you closer. She was also use sex as a way to tell you she is the only vagina you'll see! If she doesn't love you, she will not care and you may want to second question your relationship. However, most of you guys seem to have a good relationship, but there is just no sex.

Also, there is a two step process here. If you are doing any of these things, please stop!

1) Gift buying: Don't buy gifts thinking you'll get sex for it. It doesn't happen unless you are just dating.

2) holding hands, kissing, hugs: Make all of these brief. Try to make her initiate it. If your laying down on the couch, do not immediately go lay with her. I would let her come to you. Don't ignore her though, but let her know that you are in control and she needs to come to you.

3) Be the one to end the phone conversation. Make them short and sweet. If you are the one that typically says goodbye last, then that needs to be changed.

4) Whatever you do, do not start acting like a dick. Although sometimes it works, it will not last in the long run.

The big thing is to get a dominant role back into the relationship. I think most of the guys here are a little soft. Your partner may notice the behavior changes, but this is good.

DO NOT ACT NEEDY. I know it's hard to change your routine sigh your partners, but this may be the jump start you need to a fix the relationship.

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A male reader, Medoza United Kingdom +, writes (18 September 2010):

I am very saddened, but not surprised to read a number of the posts here.

Having come out of a very painful relationship where I was physically pushed away and not allowed to be physically near, cuddle or kiss my wife (of 8 years) and partner overall of 14, I know what this type of behaviour does to men, who, to be perfectly frank, aren't looking for very much at all. I am still scarred by my experience (which went on for over 10 years) now.

I am disappointed to report that while I am in a new relationship now following my divorce (I did not even know this lady when I was married or became separated), the very same thing is happening again.

Maybe it is me??? [Other men reading this will think the very same; I can assure you that it is not you].

While I may understand to some degree what some of the women posting here have said regarding what "we men" need to do to encourage or stimulate women's natural feeling of being wanted, I don't entirely buy the argument. Why? Well, I did this for years with my former wife; I do the same now with my new lady. Go out, to dinner, walks, visiting friends and relatives, etc. Helped them out, diy, etc. etc. Did it make any difference? No. Not one jot. You say the right things, do the right things. Does anything change? No.

It seems that for men, sex is something that makes us feel wanted, alive, appreciated, contented, special, genuinely passionate, protective towards, caring and in-tune with our partner.

I haven't worked out what it truly means to women, except to say it is something completely and entirely different - and seemingly insignificant!

Sex for me is not about the penetrative aspects. It is about being close to and showing that I care for the person I love (who is simply not a friend; few people have sex with their 'friends'!).

Being pushed away emotionally or physically is a very, very painful experience for a man and while it is true men do not fully understand nor appreciate women's response, women do not understand how damaging a lack of physical contact with their man can be, what this does to our self-esteem, confidence, our 'get-up-and-go' and general desire to do anything.

I wish I had all the answers and could help everyone here. Yes, communication is the key. Unfortunately, many women (from what I have read here and have experienced full on myself), won't entertain talking about the issue simply because they do not see it as an issue. Men then get the "Why are you not talking, always grumpy, in a mood, not wanting to go anywhere" response from their women or similar. It's called REJECTION. [The man thinks: "She still says she loves me but won't let me near her. I don't get it! If that's 'love' she must consider her friends the same way as me, her partner..."].

It is a sad time for anyone experiencing this, even me now! I was deeply hurt by what my partner said to me the other day, at a time when I was simply trying to make arrangements to see her more often and spend time together (we do not live together) that I always want sex when we see each other and have time together. Uh? Not actually true. Yes, it crosses my mind. I am a 'normal' bloke! Equates something like "men = sex; women = shops/clothes". Believe it or not, it is one of the ways we show we do care.

If physical intimacy for a woman is so markedly different and not as significant in their mind as it is for a man, maybe men should consider that their girlfriends, partners and wives are not lovers but "friends". If that isn't the case, where is the difference. Caring? I care for many people... besides my partner. Work colleagues going through troubles, relatives, neighbours... I don't sleep or get intimate with any of them though.

A man shows his affection in very simple ways, because, as all women know, we are simple-living creatures. Nevertheless, as men know, if we didn't toe-the-line and do all those jobs our women expect, using any line such as "I don't feel like it today" simply wouldn't wash.

There cannot be a rule that suits one side and not the other.

Whatever you all do, try to keep dialogue open, be honest, don't go astray (I never, ever have and never would), but remember, if your lady is as close, caring and loving as she wants you to believe, things will work out in the end. If they don't, you obviously aren't as important to her as she wanted you to believe and is just using you.

Most men without some form of sexual intimacy feel very alone, lack confidence, get upset, lack motivation and lose interest in and the respect of their partner.

We have feelings too, need hugs, kisses, intimacy and reassurance also.

We shouldn't also be left trying to work it all out and resolve something we didn't create. Women know how this affects us. They like to be in control (or think they are in control), when in fact they are simply alienating themselves and creating a rod for their own back. This wouldn't wash the other way round. Men would still be expected to take the lead to reolve matters.

I wouldn't like to think how many good relationships have failed as a result of this. I know. I have been there.

Come on folks, I am sure there is a solution out there...

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A male reader, Medoza United Kingdom +, writes (18 September 2010):

I am very saddened, but not surprised to read a number of the posts here.

Having come out of a very painful relationship where I was physically pushed away and not allowed to be physically near, cuddle or kiss my wife (of 8 years) and partner overall of 14, I know what this type of behaviour does to men, who, to be perfectly frank, aren't looking for very much at all. I am still scarred by my experience (which went on for over 10 years) now.

I am disappointed to report that while I am in a new relationship now following my divorce (I did not even know this lady when I was married or became separated), the very same thing is happening again.

Maybe it is me??? [Other men reading this will think the very same; I can assure you that it is not you].

While I may understand to some degree what some of the women posting here have said regarding what "we men" need to do to encourage or stimulate women's natural feeling of being wanted, I don't entirely buy the argument. Why? Well, I did this for years with my former wife; I do the same now with my new lady. Go out, to dinner, walks, visiting friends and relatives, etc. Helped them out, diy, etc. etc. Did it make any difference? No. Not one jot. You say the right things, do the right things. Does anything change? No.

It seems that for men, sex is something that makes us feel wanted, alive, appreciated, contented, special, genuinely passionate, protective towards, caring and in-tune with our partner.

I haven't worked out what it truly means to women, except to say it is something completely and entirely different - and seemingly insignificant!

Sex for me is not about the penetrative aspects. It is about being close to and showing that I care for the person I love (who is simply not a friend; few people have sex with their 'friends'!).

Being pushed away emotionally or physically is a very, very painful experience for a man and while it is true men do not fully understand nor appreciate women's response, women do not understand how damaging a lack of physical contact with their man can be, what this does to our self-esteem, confidence, our 'get-up-and-go' and general desire to do anything.

I wish I had all the answers and could help everyone here. Yes, communication is the key. Unfortunately, many women (from what I have read here and have experienced full on myself), won't entertain talking about the issue simply because they do not see it as an issue. Men then get the "Why are you not talking, always grumpy, in a mood, not wanting to go anywhere" response from their women or similar. It's called REJECTION. [The man thinks: "She still says she loves me but won't let me near her. I don't get it! If that's 'love' she must consider her friends the same way as me, her partner..."].

It is a sad time for anyone experiencing this, even me now! I was deeply hurt by what my partner said to me the other day, at a time when I was simply trying to make arrangements to see her more often and spend time together (we do not live together) that I always want sex when we see each other and have time together. Uh? Not actually true. Yes, it crosses my mind. I am a 'normal' bloke! Equates something like "men = sex; women = shops/clothes". Believe it or not, it is one of the ways we show we do care.

If physical intimacy for a woman is so markedly different and not as significant in their mind as it is for a man, maybe men should consider that their girlfriends, partners and wives are not lovers but "friends". If that isn't the case, where is the difference. Caring? I care for many people... besides my partner. Work colleagues going through troubles, relatives, neighbours... I don't sleep or get intimate with any of them though.

A man shows his affection in very simple ways, because, as all women know, we are simple-living creatures. Nevertheless, as men know, if we didn't toe-the-line and do all those jobs our women expect, using any line such as "I don't feel like it today" simply wouldn't wash.

There cannot be a rule that suits one side and not the other.

Whatever you all do, try to keep dialogue open, be honest, don't go astray (I never, ever have and never would), but remember, if your lady is as close, caring and loving as she wants you to believe, things will work out in the end. If they don't, you obviously aren't as important to her as she wanted you to believe and is just using you.

Most men without some form of sexual intimacy feel very alone, lack confidence, get upset, lack motivation and lose interest in and the respect of their partner.

We have feelings too, need hugs, kisses, intimacy and reassurance also.

We shouldn't also be left trying to work it all out and resolve something we didn't create. Women know how this affects us. They like to be in control (or think they are in control), when in fact they are simply alienating themselves and creating a rod for their own back. This wouldn't wash the other way round. Men would still be expected to take the lead to reolve matters.

I wouldn't like to think how many good relationships have failed as a result of this. I know. I have been there.

Come on folks, I am sure there is a solution out there...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010):

Also..why do women seem to lose interest in sex whenever it seems to be coming easy to them. When a girl knows that you love them and you will do it whenever you want they feel obligated to reject you even know you would do just about anything for them. Im not the type of guy that cheats or anything, i love my gf. Of course sex isnt everything but for GODS SAKE CAN IT BE SOMETHING?! Anything?!

I love my girlfriend and i cant see that changing anytime soon but this is getting frustrating. Men are supposed to be strong in a relationship but even for a man constant rejection starts to break self confidence.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010):

Let's face it, we all have different desires and time frames of when to feed them. Sex for females is mostly mental. They don't usually get stimulated visually. They need connection, to feel loved, sexy and desired but still in control. If your love making has gone wayward it could be that things are just boring in the bedroom. Men, you must know that most women do not enjoy penetration. Trying going south and bringing her to an uncontrollable frenzy...make it about her and not you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010):

I am having this same issue, and its bothered me to the point where im on this dumb forum whining like everyone else.

But yeah...when i first met my girlfriend she couldnt get enough of me and i felt the same. Now...I still feel the same, but it seems to almost disgust her when i so much as touch her.

I love her so much and i am trying everything to work this out with her (doing everything her way) but i really miss her being intimate with me. She says she will come to me and she is attracted to me, but i know how it was when we first met when she really felt that way(and it isnt the same). So basically i am left with strong emotional feelings for a girl that is treating sex/intimacy with me like a problem that cannot be solved. I dont want to lose her but i dont know what to do..

DOES BIRTH CONTROL EFFECT SEX DRIVE FOR A WOMEN? Because i have a suspicion that it does.

Advice anyone??? :/

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010):

I seem to be in the same boat as all the other guys here.

My girl friend and I have a close, loving, supportive relationship, and I'd even call it physically intimate (lots of cuddles, and even the occasional passionate kiss). But over the past months sex has definitely become de-prioritized from her perspective. She constantly reassures me that she loves me and is still attracted to me, but just doesn't feel the urge to make love nearly as much as I do. The fact that she walks around the apartment in her underwear, tends to sleep virtually naked, and loves to be cuddled all the time is possibly a good sign, but it's also driving me nuts, and I'm beginning to wonder if she knows that she is being a 'tease'.

I've also noticed other, subtle changes in her behavior toward me, becoming less appreciative of everything I do for us, and even being slightly derisory at times. When she senses that I am upset by this, she quickly apologizes and reassures me that she loves me.

Like the rest of the guys here, it’s given my self confidence a beating. Being persistently rejected every time I try to move a semi-naked cuddle in bed on to something a bit more is not doing my morale any good. Often I feel like shit, to the point where I no longer have even the desire to pleasure myself (my principal coping mechanism for the past three or four months).

But this is my theory, and I’d love to get some thoughts from others, particularly you girls. Women, very simply, get bored once they know that something is on a plate. Knowing that they can have sex with you whenever they want does not do it for them. They need a challenge. Similarly, knowing that you are always there to cook a great meal, to clean the apartment, to buy gifts or flowers, or send romantic texts during the day – it’s all too predictable and boring. I’m not saying be a bastard, I don’t suggest flirting with other women, and I’m definitely not advocating cheating (that would only do more damage – trust me), but subtly just make her begin to think that you are not a safe bet, and that maybe she needs to work a bit harder to keep you. Basically, give her the sense of challenge that was first there at the start of the relationship.

The analogy I try to use is it’s a bit like driving with your foot flat to the floor – eventually you’re going to crash. To get there requires taking your foot off the gas once in a while.

Good luck!

andre

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

K i read your qwestion, and everyones answers.... and of corse im a victim too. like all the other relationship started out awsome sex almost 2 times a day and after 9 months died off slowly to a dead stop. ive been with my girl for 2 years. and now engaged. i read how some peoples answer, like one of the girls said that they dont want to have sex because something u did to them or hurt them. my conclusion to my fiancee was a major problem i had with her that she cant hang out with her best friend.. because her best friend is always with her x boyfriend.. and i couldnt handle it. so i said no. ever since im been getting the friend treatment... I love her to death and would do anything for her. but im the one who gives her affection, love, cuddles, kisses, but i will never get that for me. she lives with me but, its just like if shes a friend theres no affection what so ever.. i try haveing sex with her to but its always excuses "im tired" "something hurts" "im not in the mood" as being a man... i cant handle not haveing sex and im not asking for it every day. but every man out there including my self knows we get sexually fustrated. and it gets us mad. so my advice is simple. either talk to her once more, try to solve the problem wether u hurt her or not, and if it doesnt work, srry to say buddies but u cant have a sexless relationship choose to book it or not

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

Just like everyone else; I've been having this issue too. Everything started out great, she would beg for it, and usually always initiate it. I couldn't keep up with her demand sometimes. But now, now everything has went to shit. She is pregnant. 6 months to be exact. I figured that her hormones were the issue. But now, I'm highly reconsidering. She had her phone on the couch earlier today, and it flashed saying she had a txt message. Normally I don't ever read her messages, and didn't intend to this time. But I happened it read the message from her friend, and they were both laughing at how she can manipulate me to do whatever for her if she makes sex a possibility. That hurt a lot. I know girls do that, but I had really hoped mine wouldn't. I am a good guy. I'm not just saying that, I know I am a good guy. I listen to her, clean up after her animals (she had a lot of cats when we met; Still does), I clean up after her, clean the house every day, cook dinner for her, buy her special things that I know she likes, things that will make her day better when she's low. I'm nice to her, and literally bend over backwards to appease her needs. Especially since she's been pregnant. I do everything, every day, all the time, with no complaints. But she is never appreciative of any of it, or at least never shows it. A little appreciation can go a long way. It's not my favorite thing after a long day of work, to come home, and clean everything, pick up after the animals, and make dinner for her when she comes home. I don't do it expecting to get a reward every time. I do it because I love her, and the only thing I do expect is a little respect, and appreciation here and there. Lately especially she's been really bad. I'll come home from work, and sit down for maybe 20 minutes. Eat something, watch part of a tv show, or something. But she'll decide she wants to clean something for a change right then, or do some type of house related work. Than will say things like "You're so lazy". The other night I made her dinner, and it was on the stove staying warm. I didn't eat anything because she worked late that evening and I had already ate. So while she was eating, I left it on the stove to stay warm (burner off) in case she wanted more. I took a shower that was maybe 10 minutes, dried off, and put clean clothes on, and when I stepped out of the bathroom, she was sitting at the computer, than said to me "You're such a slob, I had to clean up that food you left out." in complete disgust. I don't know what I do wrong, or why she's so bitchy, other than the pregnancy, but at the same time, come on. Don't laugh about how you can manipulate me with fake promises of sex with your friends. I never do that to you. It's very saddening.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010):

Hello, I'm a female who this just happened to last week, in that I no longer feel any desire to have sex with my man. I'm going to try and shed some light on this problem. I used to love having sex with him and we would do it every chance we had, but now, I really don't physically feel any desire to have him touch me. It makes me sad.

First off, for females, sex and love are usually extremely intertwined, and females mostly get off through their mind. Intercourse can feel like somebody thumping you on the back without this connection, with no pleasure at all. If, for some reason, a girl feels that the love is gone, or she is being used for companionship and sex alone, she may no longer become aroused by someone she finds physically attractive. All the kisses, flowers, gifts and dinners together in the world will not make up for her broken trust and disappearing feelings, because these things are just your cajoling for more companionship and sex. So one way to help is to find out what really makes her love you, need you, and continue doing that. Also trying to establish a deeper emotional connection rather than cheap tv-romance connections helps.

The other thing you can do, if the sex has abruptly come to a stop, is find out what you did to break her emotional connection with you, or break her trust. Depending on the girl's personality, this may be easy or very hard to find out. With me it was that my man had stopped smoking, partly because I didn't like it. He was having a hard time with it, and twice I came to his house to find that he had just had a cigarette. He made a big deal out of these two cigarettes, and said that it was just his luck that the only times he had caved and had a cigarette he had been caught. Well last week I found a bunch of his brand of cigarette butts, still with ash on the ends, around the back of his house. There was also an empty pack clearly in his trash can a few weeks ago. So really he put on a big fake show for me and has been sneaking cigarettes every so often without telling me. This hurts me and breaks my feeling of connectedness/togetherness with him. I understand that he only did it so I see him as stronger than he is, that he is trying hard not to have cigarettes and such. But he still lied to me, patronized me, and it hurts! I still love him, and I have a lot invested in our relationship (so does he), but without that connection and trust that I thought we had, which is now thrown in shadow, I don't want to have sex with him apparently... So really guys, if you did something like that which broke the bond you have, you have to find out what you did and directly address that, because nothing but his admittance, understanding, and mutual feelings are going to make me love him like I did. It could be something like you talk about your ex like you still love her, or you ignored her feelings at a crucial time for her, or you totally misunderstood something important about her, but believe me, no amount of money spent is going to bring back her libido. And I do still love my guy...but...the spark is gone now, and I guess we should move on because he doesn't understand just why I am so upset about his lie, even though he's bought me tons of flowers since last week.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010):

Out of a 2 1/2 year relationship Ive been in this same boat for almost 2 full years now. In the last 2 years we've had sex fewer times than we had sex in the first 6 months of our relationship. Sometimes going as long as 3 months with nothing at all. Im all out of options, I deeply love her and have never not treated her like a princess but at this point Im just plain tired... Tired of feeling like shit, tired of being suspicious that theres someone else, tired of feeling unwanted by a girl I love so much. We've tried talking and it usually leads to her trying to approach me for sex like an hr after the conversation (for what seems like pity sex) and then forgetting it ever happened for the next month. I mean really, who goes on a romantic getaway for a week and barely does more than a peck on the lips?

Its time to pack up, move out, and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010):

I have been with my girl for a few years and have the same problem. I don't understand it. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I've tried everything from being romantic to talking dirty just trying to figure out what makes her want to hit the sack. I am good looking guy, I work out all the time,I play sports, I have a good job, I'm carring, I'm in my prime. I love her but I feel ripped off to say the least. If I was single I would probably get laid more in a weekend than I currently do in a month, sometimes two months. I've tried talking with her about it and explaining my frustration. She may acknowledge the problem but it doesn't seem to change. If I ask for sex, she gets mad and tells me that she'll let me know when she wants to.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010):

Still no answers though is there, I understand there is a huge issue with this now, and even though i can see ways out of it, and have even tried some of them, I think sometimes one has to admit defeat and move on. I have had these problems with my partner for years, we are still together but nothing happening in the bedroom, I am constantly told that i need to show more love and affection, and provide a loving love life if there is to be any kind of sex life. well i try, but she doesn't ,like any relationship things work or should work both ways. And thats another thing when we do have sex, she lays there and does nothing, and i mean nothing, she doesn't touch me, she won't start anything, she just lays there. I have always made a point in pleasing her first, in fact sometimes just to make the point that its not the most important thing in the world, i have stopped there, and cuddled up and gone to sleep without finishing the job. But now we are at a point where there is nothing, no romance from either of us. she says she prefers the shower head, and i know she masturbates up to 3 times a day. Than to me says the end is near, its just a matter of time. I don't want to move on, i love her, and we have 2 great kids from out 10 year long relationship. I am also aware she has had problems in her childhood to, well so did i, but my issues don't seem to be that important as what hers are. She still talks about having more children with me though, which confuses the hell out of me, I mean, how? you have to have sex to make one of those don't you? anyway, I hope the original poster sorts his problems out, and everyone else for that matter, I think the world has gone mad, something in the water or the food maybe, its all twisted and wrong somehow though, good luck all, and take care. :0)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010):

I have the same situation as everyone here, i dont know what do to anymore, i feel reject,left down, unappreciated,lonely.. all this is how i feel every time she says NO every time i try to have sex with my girlfriend,she wont even let me touch her, im a good guy, i work i pay my bills i work out, i play soccer, i take care of my self i just dont understand, I'm thinking about leaving her but i love her and i care a lot about her. i dont know what to do.. i feel destroyed.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010):

my girlfriend stopped having sex with me after four years.

she said she is in college and trying to get her life right.

but we started out having sex man it just happened all of a sudden help me brothers give me advice should i leave should i go cheat stay faithful i dont know..we dont speand time on the weekends shes usually with her parents and both of them are pastors she used to wak me off everything guys she has a roomate at school and lets her roomate boyfriend come and chill but wants me to stay five minutes is she embarrased of me what is it so never come i feel left out it hurtsplus she is fine to and dress sexy i told her if ther is no sex stop dressing sexy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010):

Hey guy I totally understand.

Alot of people say "sex isn't everything", that is true but it is something.

You don't wear shoes without shoe laces and relationships need sex not just to bond, but to unselfishley share yourself.

Don't forget there are two people in a relationship and if the other person knows that sex is important to you and they don't care or do it, they are truly not concerned about your mental and physical needs.

I would give it one more chance and if it falls on deaf ears, you may need to find someone who values you and your needs.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010):

Ive just started experiencing this with my girlfriend in the past 2 months, when we first started going out she was constantly asking for it and she would even beg me for it and sometimes we would have sex up to 3 times a day. For some reason in the past two months though weve only had sex 6 times and i have no idea why, infact the few times we have done it is because ive spent loads of money on taking her out(Which is difficult when you have no form of income!). Whats even worse about her lack of sex drive is the fact were both only 16. For the past 2 months ive let it go, but today i decided to ask her about it and she replied 'I just cant really be bothered at the minute'. I dont have any idea what im doing wrong, i always compliment her, i kiss her all the time just to let her know how much she means to me and hold her really tight when she gets cold and just small things like that. Shes put me through so much shit at times aswell, but ive stuck with her because i like her so much! And i mean when were actually having sex i make sure i get her in the mood and that i get her wet, and i definetly remember about her clit. The only reason i can think of is because im always on top, but thats because thats what she likes, and we have tried other positions. And afterwards she always says how good it is and i can tell shes not just saying that, especially when she has to bite hard into my arm to stop herself from screaming! I dont know what im doing wrong, and why i cant get her in the mood. Im starting to think that she just doesnt like me as much as she used to and i feel really insecure now. Im literally just waiting for some other guy to come along and take her from me. Ive tried to do everything right and im out if ideas, im scared that if i keep pushing it on her she'll just get pissed off and leave. Ive remained completely faithful to her and i wouldnt dream of cheating on her, but recently ive started feeling unfulfilled and ive been eyeing up girls when im out. I just dont know what to do anymore, and i would actually do anything for us to be like we were a few months ago! At times shes made me more happy than ive ever been and sometimes shes made me so upset its unbearable and thats why i want to stay with her, there is no-one in the world id rather be with.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010):

I have had a similar problem with my partner. She is a very great girl. The first year was great and we had a good amount of sexual intercourse. Mostly just that, not much foreplay. She seems to be immune to anything that includes me trying to please her. We used to make-out on a semi-regular basis, especially before sex.

Three years have passed, and now we do have sex on a regular basis still (2 times a week at most), but only because I bottle up my need and finally have to blow up and ask her to get in the damn mood. (Which sometimes triggers an argument in which she definitely is no longer going to even get wet or have a nice face on when we have sex)

I feel like I do it all for her. I am her man, I protect her, take her out to dinner, throw her compliments, buy her nice presents, even try to get her in the mood. It just seems like she never is in the mood, no matter if I am happy, sad, in-between. She doesn't seem to notice I want it, or she does and just thinks "I really don't want sex".

I have spoken to her in depth, though I know I am condescending sometimes as males can be, but speak frankly with her about it. Her response is "I just don't like sex as much as you.". I ask her what I can do, and it is the typical response, kiss me etc. etc. Sometimes she will even get semi-dry and force me to stop because I know it is not right.

Yet on the day I gave her a promise ring, she was just straight dripping. It was so good I actually knew what good sex could be like. It didn't feel like just friction, it felt like hot sticky love.

Yet in return for all my sacrifices she selfishly guards those hot sticky 15-30 minute moments for only once in a great while. I am a young buck, "we are not getting any younger.", I tell her. Yet it is all to no avail. I feel as if I am the ultimate giver in the relationship and it makes me bitter.

I waste my precious time, money, and effort to please her as much as I can and still keep myself happy. Yet she cannot give me 15-20 minutes of her time each day to make me the happiest man alive? Perhaps I won't argue at all. perhaps I'd love to break my back to please her if she could only give me this small piece of happiness and completion. I tell her this time and again....

"SEX IS IMPORTANT TO ME!"

The ultimate question to most men, is why do they deny us this biological necessity? I am not even asking to have sex with her more than once a day. Once a day of decent passionate love-making would make me content and eager to please. Yet instead she forces me to be bitter because she isn't in the mood most of the time. Even the times we do make love it is mostly mediocre and involves me asking her if she wants me to slow down a little and try to please her. She used to always like that, and now I can tell she is not in the mood because she says with a smile "Do what you want baby I want you to be happy". Yet her vagina is telling me "please just get out, I'm not wet or that willing".

The answer is simple.

Girls AND Guys selfishly do what they please sometimes. Some people are understanding and good at pleasing each other (not physically, just in general), and others are total morons about it.

Why can she not persuade herself to get in the mood, like I persuade myself to move her washer and dryer up three flights of stairs with a smile? Because she as a person, has no empathetic conception of what hot passionate love gives me emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

Pure ignorance and selfishness causes this kind of treatment, and I am a victim. Such a thing should not be done to any man. Those with the same problem, I salute you, and wish you find the happiness that I am forever searching for with my partner.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

It's so interesting coming across this site and reading all the responses. It's also sad that when you put this question into any search engine, nearly 100% of the time a thread like this pops up within the first five matches. So, therefore, the issues men are having are legitimate. Here's my situation, I'm 25 she's 23 and we have been living together for almost one year...we've been dating for 2. Maybe we moved in to fast or started spending that kind of time with each other too soon but it felt so right and we talked about it so I imagine that we made the right decision for us. Just as everyone else, we had sex often, then it fizzled out now it's near embarrassing how often it happens.

So, what are the answers? I have no idea. I've talked to her about it. I've yet to stop romancing her in part because I have the time and financial resources to do so (I doubt very seriously that men just stop doing things for women they truly love unless finances play a role). I get the same answers you guys get, it's a turn off to talk about it (not begging mind you, just asking about it), I'm tired, I have school stuff (which she won't do until five minutes before we go to bed), is that all you think about?

I was glad to read about men who are, for the most part, truly in love with their mate and even experience this struggle because they don't want anyone else but their lady. However, what irony...We only want our lady and they don't want us but, if we were to go out and get it from another outlet, it would be deemed imoral and wrong. The way I see it, it is a terrible downward spiral that further justifies the theories that state human relationships were not meant to be monogomous.

Unfortuneately, I truly love my girlfriend, soon to be fiance (Another irony, I'm still going to marry her...it's enough to drive you insane really). And isn't it supposed to. Not one female responder on this thread said anything about leaving the situation because it isn't right for the parties involved. As a matter of fact, they just gave more tips on how to approach the women in question. I wonder if this is because they are also doing or have done the same thing to their men and can't see it as anything other than a natural progression of emotion, feeling, and sustainability in a relationship.

Someone really needs to honestly elaborate...male or female. Women, what are we supposed to do? You want to talk about your feelings but when we talk about ours its either discarded or unmanly and, therefore, a turn off. You want us to treat so you feel special but you see no need in treating us with the same emotional care. (I don't want expensive items that are related to my hobbies...I want to know that you respect me and truly care for me...hell, I want to know that you are attracted to me). You have no problem stating that we are the best you've had during and after sex but you still had, based on the stories shared when you were drunk, more sex with your other partners, lover, boyfriends, whatever!!! You want thing to feel sexier (implants, underwear, role play, etc.) but then nothing sexually ever changes. You wan't time to do your own thing but then when you come home there isn't even a shread of interest in haveing any type of sex.

Women, consider the above and ask yourself; what message am I giving to my lover? Am I honest? Do I listen? Do I care about his feelings? Am I respectful?

Women, by continuing to napalm your men emotionally, this is what you are doing (or contributing to at least). Low self-esteem, paranoia, body issues, detachment, passive agressiveness, psychological break down, forgetfullness, lost initiative, depression, excessive masturbation, and in some cases, unfaithfullness.

It's so sad and yet so commonplace that we all fall into it and then we wonder why divorce is so terrible...seriously these threads answer that questions. relationships are a two way street, but based on this thread at least, it seems as though the men have but in their 110%, women, where is yours.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010):

hey im 20 yrs old and my GF is 19 and i have been recently having this problem with my GF ever since i came back from being away at school, which was like a yr and half ago, in the beginning of our relationship, she always would initiate sex and we wud do it 3-4 times a day everytime we were around each other and damn near nothing cud stop us from doing it, one time we did it with the door open while my mother was in her room which was just about 3 ft from mine, we even did it while sumbody was in the same room as us!!! (they aint kno of course lol those were the good ol days) but yea i used to have issues bcuz when i was away at school i cudnt see her and wat not and i used to get an attitude cuz i cudnt see her and her callin me did not help cuz it only made we want her more, idk if i rubbed off on her but its been a yr and a half since then so that shudnt be a problem now, but when i came back she started babysittin all the time and doing everything for everybody cuz she used to have a hard time tellin ppl no so i missed my chances with her which was some bs, and she wud use that as an excuse to not do it sometime, the person she babysits for always calls her to babysit altho she kinda tells her no now but she still doesnt really do it much, so i miss out on spending time with her then and now when we are together all she can think about is goin to sleep!!! she says "you kno when i get around u i like to be under you and i go to sleep cuz i feel comfortable" and bs like that but i aint tryna hear that, if i go to see her i cant sleep bcuz im so excited to be in the same room and all she can think about is goin the fuck to sleep!!! and yea our sex since i came back has dramatically decreased from 3-4 times a day to like once a day when we're together and 2 times if im lucky, nowadays she has every reason in the world not to do it, but in the beginning of our relationship she wud try just as hard as me to make it happen no matter wat the circumstances were,almost everytime i was up she was ready to put me down, now im up and she might touch it and she always acknowledges it but she wont do ne thing most of the time, i once told her i miss the old freaky/kinky her and she told me "you know wat? i think u act like this bcuz i spoiled u and now u expect me to do all that stuff for u" aint that a bitch?!?!?! man i've been a virgin for 18 yrs come on now, the least u cud do is keep yo sex drive up for me i aint no manwhore or nuthin so she aint gotta worry about that but she sure has me thinkin hard about it, i sometimes wish i cud just catch her cheatin on me so i can have a reason to break up with her and so it wud be easier for me to do so, i think once the females get comfortable in a relationship they start to slow down on sex and thats horrible bcuz i get my affection from sexual activities like intercourse of course, giving and recieving head, especially 69's, i like tongue kissing but she always complaining about how she cant breathe (her nose is always stopped up so she usually breathes thru her mouth im a good kisser),and she takes Benadryll for that bcuz often times its cuz of allergies but Benadryll dont do nuthin but put her to sleep, its horrible! all she wants to do is cuddle and thats cool cuz if thats wat she wants she def wont get it and i want her to see how it feels to not get the affection that u desire, and if that dont work i got somethin for her since she like iced coffee sooo much i've really been thinkin about buyin some female enhancements and i plan on puttin it in just about everything she drinks in a high but not dangerous dosage, and see how well that works if it doesnt do me ne good to do that then im gonna say fuck it and leave her but its gonna be hard cuz i really love her and cant really see me with ne one other than her, y do females make life so hard?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010):

Guess what guys - I'm having the same problem with my partner. We've been together a year and a half, at first sex was great, now we don't really have it anymore. I initiate, I ask for it, and nothing. Sometimes my partner will go on a streak of wanting it for a few weeks, and that will be GREAT sex, and then it'll go back to this.

But I'm the girl, he's the guy. This isn't a gender problem its a relationship problem, stop pretending that its HER fault because SHES female and realize that its YOUR (plural) fault as a couple, take initiative to fix it and if that doesn't work, ditch it.

That's what I'm doing, instead of whining about men on some crappy forum.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2010):

Ok, I'm a dude, and yes, of course I'm having this problem too. After reading over most of the comments here I just have to make the point that there is no winning this battle. Men and women have completely different views on sex and it seems very rare that we will ever come to a common meeting place.

Briefly here is my story. I've been with my lady for about 1.5 years. Lots of great sex from the get go. Sex slowed down to about once a month now. For a man, this is miserable. A terrible fate. And of course, Like most men here, I care very much for her and do everything I can to make her happy. I want a better sex life becase I want to be happy. I cuddle her at night and make her breakfast every morning and dinner at night because I want her to be happy. I don't want anyone else, and this is why I'm not getting laid.

Nice guys stop getting laid. Assholes don't care and continue to get laid by cheating.

The arguments from women here are valid. I have read them all carefully. I have tried ever g-damn thing said. I've traveled to foreign lands, I try new things, I tell her how great she looks every morning, I take her out to dinner, I offer to do anything she wants in bed, I come up with things I think she would like in bed, I read an entire book on tantra, I don't mention sex, I act playful, I act serious. All of the suggestions made, I have tried, I continue to try, and no, I don't just try and give up one thing, I keep trying. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy.

She tells me work stresses her out, or she's tired, or she tells me nothing and goes to sleep. I understand. But I am not at ease.

All guys here are familiar with the feeling of being inadequate because of this.

And the girls seem to feel like things have become stagnant, yet often write that these are the guys they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

There is no remedying either situation. The girls who are not having sex aren't going to start, and the guys who want it are never going to be satiated. It is a battle with no clear victor. And, well, it will only be an amount of time before one party cheats. Women, because you are bored. Men, because you aren't satisfied.

This is the unfortunate truth. Someone prove me wrong. I truly think she is beautiful, and I like it when she's naked, and when I kiss her out of no where it is because I feel it, and when she touches me it always feels sweet.

Any guy here wishes he could turn it on or off. He probably wishes he wouldn't want to have sex too, so it wouldn't be a problem.

Any girl here probably wishes the same, that she could just be turned on at her choosing and her sex life could be grand.

It won't happen. We have to live with that. Women, you too can add to your sex life by spicing up your relationship. Men, you can cool your jets and let her make love to you on her own time. But even if we both do our part, it won't change.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010):

I am going through the same thing. I have been extremely careful and analytical, and I know not much has changed in the relationship. I still treat her the same way I always have. Everytime I try to bring up the situation or try to initiate, she just gives me excuses. I've tried everything. And even before I tried a lot, I tried just being as careful as I could, having every special moment together that I could and then not bringing up sex. But even that didn't work, and I gave it a few months. Every so often she'll do something small for me, but she'll treat it like a chore. She makes noises like she's frustrated, and acts very mechanical. I understand if she's not as into it but she could at least half-ass it for me. I do so much for her even if I'm not in the mood, and I don't just mean related to sex. I don't need sex often but once a month would be nice.

My point is don't try to talk to women about, tell her she needs to smarten the fuck up or it's over. and there's always the third choice of just cheating on her, which I'm really considering

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010):

yeah yeah yeah we get it. Treat her like you first did. Honestly, it doesn't work all the time. I love my girlfriend very much, but I'm used to very physical relationships. One ex I had sex with all the time, but I wasn't a good relationship. But it did last for three years. I had a small relationship after her with a girl I would just sit in bed with and talk and caress each other sensously, but I didn't really need the sex because we were connecting on another level. My current girlfriend will always put her hand on my chest when I go for a kiss, which makes me feel like she's pushing me away, and I do feel very rejected when she says no for sex. So I never ask for it, but I just want to be able to turn her on the same way she turns me on. I try to get a little physical, but can always tell when it's not happening. Look I can always masturbate, I want to feel a connection with my girlfriend. But also, she tears easily because of size differences, and I understand how that could make her not want to have sex. Fine. But how is she supposed to, for lack of a better term, "stretch out" if we don't have sex often. I mean, most times I don't get to orgasm because we have to stop because I keep thinking about her pain, and she cant concentrate on sex enough because of it.

And for all the women not understanding their men's sex drive, look, we *most of us* have testosterone putting an endless amount of pressure on us all day. It's not fun. So when we are denied the preferable choice of releasing that pressure, it really sucks, and we turn inward and act a little childish. It's called blue balls, and sometimes it really hurts physically as well as emotionally.

Like I said, it sucks but I understand why she doesn't want sex all the time, but women need to understand why most of us do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010):

I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years now, and I have to say, our sex life has become so boring that I rarely want to do it anymore. I love my boyfriend so much, but I am tired of having to constantly remind him about my clitoris, or about those 'other' positions.

Maybe your girlfriend is like me?

Also, never ever beg for sex, that is a permanent turn off. It might be creepy to her that you want to have sex with her when she is obviously uninterested.

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A male reader, axelvalentine United States +, writes (21 March 2010):

I understand you all my fellow brethorin I have been with my girlfriend\fiance for more than a year and for the oddest reason she is completly losing all sex drive she says she is physically attracted to me but its gets harder and harder for me to believe that sometimes I wanna break down and cries my eyes out or smash something.... we have talked about it she says she dosent understand what is wrong. But she hopes to get out of it soon I feel hat my sexual drive is going down the drain also but I do love here and I won't give up on what we have not now or ever so I am working thru this with patience and understanding..... I suggest you you and your partner talk it out because honestly communication is key in all realaytionships if you have the urges and they are uber the fence work out, play video games, clean the house do something a guy would do or just something that would keep your mind out of sex remmember its better to be busy than bored my friend

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

I have been dealing with this problem for about a year now with my girlfriend of 3 years. She is on anti-depressants, which we convinced was the root of the problem. But after talking, she still has sexual thoughts and desires, just not relating to me.

I think the problem lies in the fact that men want more sex than women in general. We then start pushing for it, and doing all these trite things to make our woman interested (going to the theater, dinner, roses, etc) doesn't mean anything because they know that it is done just for the sake of being romantic.

Guys, who naturally wants more sex, if you want that tail, you have to be willing to make genuine changes in your demeanor and outlook. One guy above mentions that women should be more cognizant of men's needs. But, I disagree with this because we want sex more than they do! Women should not simply roll over because they think we want it. If we want their sexual desire to match ours, we have to take an honest inventory of the situation.

It sounds like we all do the same thing: coddle our girls emotionally until they eventually tune out. I hope you all can take an honest look at how you treat your woman. I think it comes down to two things:

1. We have to engage women MENTALLY. Especially when you've been in a relationship for years, it is easy to get stuck in patterns; both physically and conversationally. Foster intellectual stimulation, this will make your partner curious about who you are on a deeper level and will create that needed spark. It takes energy to do this, but it is worth it. For instance, watch a movie and ask an indepth question about what she thought of it (ie, do you think this actor was effective, was the music appropriate, did this movie remind you of anything?) instead of just saying, "Did you like the movie?" Use your relationship as a sounding board to discover how you feel about things you didn't know each other did, and I guarantee this will get any woman excited.

2. Don't be an emotional pushover. More often than not, I would simply placate every emotion of my girlfriend and would agree or do what ever she wanted, basically because I honestly didn't care half the time, but also wanted desperately to avoid confrontation. Women want a guy to make decisions and be their own person. Be a man (for lack of a better term) and earn her respect, not emotional dependency.

Hope this helps, this frame of mind is helping me a lot!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

My situation is a bit different. I'm 24 and had 2 girlfriends before my current one. My first girlfriend had to take medication that physically turned off her sex drive, so of course I understood to an extent. But, of course, I was a 19 year old college frat boy at a university mostly full of rich jewish/waspy whores so we only lasted about 5 months. My second girlfriend(the love of my life) clicked with me both mentally and especially physically. We had sex twice a day for a full year until she graduated.we role played,did light s&m (tie-ups, blindfolds etc), you name it. But It wasn't just that we were both equally horny all the time(well, we were) but we truely and deeply loved eachother. Sadly, long distance killed our trust, and we broke up after 2 years.my current girlfriend though, is the real quagmire. We've been dating about 6 months and the sex has suddenly slowed down a bit.for the first time I got the "I'm tired" excuse.we met over the summer and we fucked like rabbits.she said I was the best and biggest she ever had and we enjoyed most of the summer together. Recently I quit a good job to work on my true passion of writing. I'm home now until I move to ny next month for a freelance job. and while She works in the city,I still see her twice during the week and basically spend the weekends with her.our actual love making is great except now we only have sex on the weekends.about twice a week all together.I think what bothers me more than anything is the excuse of "I'm tired." I think its extremely fucking lame.tired, UGH!! Were 24 and 22, we have the rest of our miserable adulthood to be tired and sleep and not have as much sex.I've never been a guy to beg for sex (for the # of girlfriends I've had I've slept with a lot of women, older and younger) and this is the first time in any circumstance I've asked for it in a way that's not natural,and that's no good. Sex should be natural. It shouldn't be robotic. I shouldn't have to ask.she comes over during the week and tells me she's horny through dirty texts earlier in the day but is tired when she comes over and doesn't want to. Stop playing fucking games. Grow up. A lot of women don't understand this.you get into relationships to avoid games, not to play them.I'm a good looking guy and have had many chances to cheat but I haven't because I really care about her and have strayed from my capricious college youth. Maybe I need a partner who wants sex as much as me? But then again, I don't think I'm asking a lot of her, especially if she's hot for me which she says she is.I'm not even asking for sex everyday,but why not have sex 3-4 times a week? Is it that much of a chore to have sex with your boyfriend? If I started to turn down doing regular things like dates shed be all insecure and think I don't like her or I don't care.and yes,I think they both coincide reguardless if women disagree. Since when is sex a stress builder? This is the bonus, the perk of relationships; to have great monogomous sex with a girl you really care about. I'm so good to her and I don't ask for much In return. But I'm good to her because I like her, not just because I want to fuck, (though I'd think shed want to as well). I work out,have a college degree and some money saved and she even knows a lot of girls whod like a shot at me. I'm the opposite of a dead beat boyfriend, so I don't get why she turns me down so much.to the girls who say sex isn't important in a relationship,you couldn't be more wrong and you obviously have never gotten your g-spot hit. To me, relationships involve 3 major ideas;1. Love 2. sex 3.and Everything else.sex is great, sex is one of the best things on earth outside of the lottery. It shouldn't be an inconveience.I guess I should have a talk with her and tell her I'm a person with needs too and one who needs a little more sex to.and I don't think its wrong to want or talk about it. If one leaves it alone it only gets worse and mushrooms.if she cares about me, truely cares, shell listen, understand, and know that its not just the sex I want, but its HER I only want to have sex with. I know if she told me to do something that made her feel better, I'd do it in a heartbeat.girls sometimes suck, but I think I'm just bitter because I was once a whore who threw away one of the great ones in my life. But that's a whole different story.... Its 430 in the morning and I'm going to bed.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

My situation is a bit different. I'm 24 and had 2 girlfriends before my current one. My first girlfriend had to take medication that physically turned off her sex drive, so of course I understood to an extent. But, of course, I was a 19 year old college frat boy at a university mostly full of rich jewish/waspy whores so we only lasted about 5 months. My second girlfriend(the love of my life) clicked with me both mentally and especially physically. We had sex twice a day for a full year until she graduated.we role played,did light s&m (tie-ups, blindfolds etc), you name it. But It wasn't just that we were both equally horny all the time(well, we were) but we truely and deeply loved eachother. Sadly, long distance killed our trust, and we broke up after 2 years.my current girlfriend though, is the real quagmire. We've been dating about 6 months and the sex has suddenly slowed down a bit.for the first time I got the "I'm tired" excuse.we met over the summer and we fucked like rabbits.she said I was the best and biggest she ever had and we enjoyed most of the summer together. Recently I quit a good job to work on my true passion of writing. I'm home now until I move to ny next month for a freelance job. and while She works in the city,I still see her twice during the week and basically spend the weekends with her.our actual love making is great except now we only have sex on the weekends.about twice a week all together.I think what bothers me more than anything is the excuse of "I'm tired." I think its extremely fucking lame.tired, UGH!! Were 24 and 22, we have the rest of our miserable adulthood to be tired and sleep and not have as much sex.I've never been a guy to beg for sex (for the # of girlfriends I've had I've slept with a lot of women, older and younger) and this is the first time in any circumstance I've asked for it in a way that's not natural,and that's no good. Sex should be natural. It shouldn't be robotic. I shouldn't have to ask.she comes over during the week and tells me she's horny through dirty texts earlier in the day but is tired when she comes over and doesn't want to. Stop playing fucking games. Grow up. A lot of women don't understand this.you get into relationships to avoid games, not to play them.I'm a good looking guy and have had many chances to cheat but I haven't because I really care about her and have strayed from my capricious college youth. Maybe I need a partner who wants sex as much as me? But then again, I don't think I'm asking a lot of her, especially if she's hot for me which she says she is.I'm not even asking for sex everyday,but why not have sex 3-4 times a week? Is it that much of a chore to have sex with your boyfriend? If I started to turn down doing regular things like dates shed be all insecure and think I don't like her or I don't care.and yes,I think they both coincide reguardless if women disagree. Since when is sex a stress builder? This is the bonus, the perk of relationships; to have great monogomous sex with a girl you really care about. I'm so good to her and I don't ask for much In return. But I'm good to her because I like her, not just because I want to fuck, (though I'd think shed want to as well). I work out,have a college degree and some money saved and she even knows a lot of girls whod like a shot at me. I'm the opposite of a dead beat boyfriend, so I don't get why she turns me down so much.to the girls who say sex isn't important in a relationship,you couldn't be more wrong and you obviously have never gotten your g-spot hit. To me, relationships involve 3 major ideas;1. Love 2. sex 3.and Everything else.sex is great, sex is one of the best things on earth outside of the lottery. It shouldn't be an inconveience.I guess I should have a talk with her and tell her I'm a person with needs too and one who needs a little more sex to.and I don't think its wrong to want or talk about it. If one leaves it alone it only gets worse and mushrooms.if she cares about me, truely cares, shell listen, understand, and know that its not just the sex I want, but its HER I only want to have sex with. I know if she told me to do something that made her feel better, I'd do it in a heartbeat.girls sometimes suck, but I think I'm just bitter because I was once a whore who threw away one of the great ones in my life. But that's a whole different story.... Its 430 in the morning and I'm going to bed.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009):

God, I feel like you guys are my carbon copies. I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half, more but that was a little on and off thing. So about a year ago we had sex for the first time, everything was great, always turned on, horny, loved doing it, 3 times a week usually at the minimum and things were great. Im a real physical touch kind of person and I love hugs, kisses, etc. Well it gradually got slower over the months, then stopped for all together for one month (mutual decision), then started back up. Then i noticed right around the one year time since the first time we had sex, she become completely and utterly not turned on by me. I

had noticed around a year into the relationship that she tended to lean away from hugs and kisses, and not want to make out as much. Anymore we can be completely naked, me touching her there and she still says "I just dont want to tonight". This really makes me upset, anything I can do about it? I really don't know what to do because I love her so much and I hate having dates with my hand after she leaves my house..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009):

Man what can i say,dont ask for sex,get busy,work out, be cool with her like she is your friend.do it a month or two,if it doesnt help,move out move on with your life.means she doesnt care

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009):

I have been dating my bf for 2 years now, and yes, sex is definitely lacking in the relationship because I no longer feel the desire to have sex. Not every woman is like me, and not every man is like my boyfriend, so I am only going to write here why sex is lacking in our relationship and is in no reflection to anyone else who might be reading this. I am only stating here the reasons why I no longer feel the desire to have sex with my boyfriend.

1. My boyfriend cheated on me. At the begining of our relationship we had sex everyday, several times a day. I loved pleasing him and it was enjoyable. After he cheated, he told me it was because of a 'sexual' attraction he felt for another woman. It made me feel that all the efforts I made to please him did not matter, was not appreciated and he at that time preferred to chase after another tail instead of appreciating what we had and what I was offering.

2. He gained 55 pounds in 2 years since we started dating. When we met he was buffed, worked out all the time and was in great shape, that is no longer the case since we met and now only sits around all day stuffing his face with candy and all sorts of sweets. -UNATTRACTIVE. I asked him to work out and all he can say is "I can't do it alone". Again- UNATTRACTIVE. Someone lazy, afraid to do things alone and unmotivated to take care of his own body is definitely unattractive to me both physically and mentally.

3. Laziness. His place is a mess all the time. He is a slob. Carpet is nasty, there's trash everywhere, and the bed sheets are smelly and old. How is a woman to be sexually aroused by this? This also tells me how irresponsible he is and how I could never see myself live with him. The idea that I can't see a future with him contributes to how I feel sexually as well. Rather than having fun and having sex, I am constantly stressed about cleaning up his place and thinking about how I will become a personal maid once I move in with him.

4. Obligatory sex out of persistency. I see men write here how they try to do romantic things like take a woman out to a romantic dinner, flowers, champagne... well my boyfriend only bugs me to have sex until I am irritated enough to say yes only so he can finally leave me alone. For every special occasion (Valentines, Anniversary, Birthday etc) I am the one making the special arrangements for a romantic dinner. I make reservations. I don't get flowers if I don't ask "please buy me flowers on our anniversary". I feel pathetic everyday that I have to ask and plead with him to do something romantic for me. The lack of effort in his part to do something 'by himself' to surprise me, or do something nice, definitely takes the fizzle in our sex life.

4. Relationshop Counselor was of No Help. We tried therapy to fix our problems emotionally and sexually. We only ended up talking about our problems and went around in circles. The counselor assigned him to do a simple task to help fix our relationship, and he did not do it. The lack of effort in fixing things has also rendered me feeling hopeless in fixing our problems, thus giving up emotionally and sexually myself. I am tired of doing everything for this relationship by myself. Him 'bugging' me everyday for sex is not a resolution for his 'lack of sex' problem. Him researching internet forums about men whining about bad sex life will also not help him fix our problems.

Real efforts need to be made here in order for positive change to happen otherwise it is a hopeless cause and things must simply come to an end.

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A male reader, tguy United States +, writes (28 November 2009):

Alright to further the response. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just about 2 and a half years. We are both 20 and in good shape. The first six months of our relationship was like all the rest of the posts: sex every day, sometimes twice a day. Things got busy and we both went to separate colleges and we only got to see eachother on the weekend. That was perfectly fine. Sex once a week. I was fine with it, in fact it was all i could handle with school and work and everything else. And on top of it, she was happy too. It was all good.

3 months ago we had 2 busy weekends in a row, we were together but never got any alone time. I was tired, she was tired. It was fine. But the next weekend she "didnt want to." And now its Thanksgiving break. So I go over to her house and we get comfortable on the couch like always. We are cuddlers right down to the core. Cant keep our hands off each-other no matter where we are (non-sexually of course more like holding hands, a hand on the leg, arm around each other anything). We also make out too. So we can cuddle, makeout, and everything but no sex..Oh and I didnt mention that I do all the romantic things. I open doors, give backrubs all the time, call her gorgeous at least every time i see her, whisper I love you in her ear, I mean you name it I do. And the thing is I dont do it for sex. I do it because A. I love her and want her to know it B. I want her to feel gorgeous, loved and special.

So we love each other talk about the future and everything. But she said she just isnt in "the mood" lately. So I ask how come? And of course this started a fight that ended up with "how come all you care about is sex!?!"

OK LADIES LISTEN UP.

Not only are men hunters and warriors at heart but we are also handymen. When men hear that there is a problem we immediately try to fix it. And when there is a problem in something as important to us and our relationship as our sexlife, then we continually try to fix the situation. So from the little problem that your "not in the mood lately" ladies, it actually has the opposite effect you want it to. It becomes a project for guys and a "quest" for lack of a better word to make things right. So if you tell you man that your just not "in the mood lately" here is a sample of what is going through his mind:

1.What am I doing wrong?

2.If I'm not doing anything wrong then how is there a problem?

3.Ok if im not doing anything wrong what changed?

4.If I didnt change or do anything different then what changed about her?

5.If she doesnt want to talk about it how can I fix it?

6.Well if asking for sex doesnt help, maybe I wont ask for it for awhile and see what happens....

...2 weeks later...

7.That didnt work maybe being even more romantic than usual will help. Thats right I'll go all out and get tickets to a play and rose petals on the bed and champagne. Cant hurt.

8.Ok she loved the date but still didnt feel motivated enough for sex.

9.Well its been about a week I'll give her a nice backrub and then try to make a move tonight.

10.She still doesn't want to have sex

11. REPEAT.

Fellas, best of luck to you and your ladies. Hope everything turns out well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009):

Hey everybody. Just thought I would throw my two cents in. I'm writing this more for my therapy than yours I'm afraid, and I fear my story isn't much different from anybody else who is going through this same problem. I have been with my girl for two and a half years now. I do have a couple of unique setbacks though... We've known each other for ten years. The first time we dated, she broke up with me after a few weeks. The second time, a few years later, I broke up with her after two months so I could pursue the woman I thought I was going to marry. Obviously I didn't marry her. I got back with my girl a few years later, and this is where my story starts to sound a little "common". Sex was great, then sex was O.K., then sex was scarce, now sex is taboo. I give her a back massage every day. I engage in every form of witty, intellectual, story telling, and basic conversation I can think of. I try for kisses (most times to no avail), and I try for cuddles, although somehow I've become a sex bandit who only cuddles so I can steal your emotionally fragile sense of stability with my physically degrading acts of fornication. Here is where my problem gets quirky. I've tried one on ones from every possible angle I can think of. They all end with "I am physically attracted to you, Whether you believe it or not." Then three weeks go by, sometimes with a round of intimacy... Most times without. Well, I decided to try looking it up on line, found this blog spot, and wouldn't you know it - She walks right in, sits down, sees what I'm reading, and throws a fucking conniption fit. She says mean things, which don't need to be repeated, and storms off into the bedroom. This point in our relationship is pretty standard for me by now though. As one clever anonymous answer put it - "She can ear fuck me" for hours at a stretch about stress, work, emotions, family, cars, cash, etc., etc. I'm the only one of us who cooks, cleans, does the laundry, walks the dog, changes the cat litter, feeds the pets, and brings in partial income (I'm disabled, so we have a bit of role reversal). My point is, I am doing EVERYTHING I can to help her out, to ease her stress, to keep up with her beast of a dog, her three cats, her three birds, and her inability to communicate on a reasonable level. Then I tell her I was looking this page up to see if there was a new way I might approach "my problem" (I want sex, not her, so it's MY problem, not ours). The ONE time in months and months I could really have used a little compassion and understanding on her part, to hear me out - She explodes! Now, she "doesn't want to fucking talk to me" and thinks I should go "Fuck your ex, after all, she was a squirt-er, and you guys fucked like rabbits three times a day". So... I am an inch away from the Marriot, by my own decision right now... Not to go for good, but to just go for now. I will not cheat on my girl, EVER! But I may just leave her to pursue someone who doesn't look at me like I'm just her second dog... Sorry 'bout the long post, like I said, more for me than anything else...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009):

There is no real explanation to the question you've posted. I know the problem, and have seeked answers for a long time. The best thing I can say to you about it is, try different stuff. Be a different person. If you've not changed, and she is the one that has, then you change too. If you're the sweetheart, be a badass for a while. Maybe then she'll realize how good she has had it. If you're mean to her all the time, then try being nice. Vise-Versa. It could very well be a mind over matter situation. According to her, she don't mind, because you don't matter. She should care enough for you to please you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

sorry, no answer but the same problem- its been a week now. I've been with her just over a year now. im dying inside because of it- the thought that I'm physically repulsive to her hurts me unimaginably. I love her, to the extent that I'm willing to humiliate myself( albeit anonymously). She says she loves me but I can't help feel that she's lying now. it used to be everyday, every opportunity, but now I can't make her wet. I literally just finished my first surreptitious masturbation because of another "i don't want", and I feel even more hollow because of it. I'm thinking of ending it so I can get all the hurt out the way. God, I sound emo.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

Look ladies, I'm in the same boat as this guy is. Honestly, I feel like my girlfriend has changed drastically more than I have.. You keep saying treat them like princesses, tell her she's beautiful, go out with her and show her a good time, don't pressure her, et cetera.. The problem we're having is that WE DO DO THESE THINGS BUT NOTHING CHANGES. Has that sunken in yet?? You women are fucking impossible.. I've tried so many different ways to make things more spontaneous and romantic; surprising her with dinner, candles, and rose pedals leading to the bedroom, oils and a chick flick (a very prime example), led me into an hour of listening to her groan on and on about how shitty work was, how stressed she is, how bad her body hurts and finally tell me, "I hope you weren't expecting me to have sex with you tonight, I kind of just want to go to sleep.. But hey it's really nice of you to go out of your way to do this for me!" Yeah.. True story and no I highly doubt she is cheating on me or ever has.. One poster suggested creative conversation, ummm yeah I actually love "creative" conversation but sadly all she wants to do is gossip, bitch and moan about life and ear fuck me about things she's thinking in the present. Boring.. She never used to be this way, but after awhile I feel like she has either lost interest in me, or simply has gotten comfortable enough to basically think she owns me. Talk about it? Look ladies, don't take this the wrong way but women are not logical thinkers.. There just isn't much strategy involved with your thinking and don't say that's not true because biologically it is.. Sorry you're emotions aka opinions don't stand very strong in the court of evolution. For example, men are hunters by nature, so when a man observes a mammoth he puts together a strategy in order to bring it down.. Women do not, and did not.. That's why there is NO SOLUTION because there isn't any logic involved with where they stand especially regarding this issue. I mean why is it that at the start of any relationship romantic moves like this work wonders on women but later on in the relationship no matter how spontaneous, how adventurous, how special or intimate the gesture may be, it is always downsized and labeled as a sly move in order to get into their pants? Bitch I obviously put all of this effort into making you feel like you're the ONE for me because YOU ARE now let me OWN YOU. For God's sake it just doesn't make any sense and trying to discuss it only makes the situation worse because in a woman's mind we're only wanting to discuss it because we want sex, not a FUCKING SOLUTION. Men want the old days back just as much as women do. I've never taken advantage of my girlfriend but regardless of my motive, intent, or understanding she always has me in a corner because she'll just manipulate her way out of it or put herself into a situation knowing the effect it's going to have on me after the fact. I can't lie, I beg for sex because I crave the CONNECTION. It's not just fucking to us, it's the bond we want to share with the mate we've picked out for ourselves. If it was just about sex there wouldn't be marriage now would there be? I mean, marriage was definitely NOT a woman's idea. I mean and you women always wonder why you can't seem to keep a man in your life.. Because we get to the point where we'd rather look elsewhere for someone to share that commitment with, someone who's interested in more than our bankroll and our attention but our soul and our sheer power/protection. Having sex with us is not a favor, do you really think that's what we want?? When my girlfriend asks me to run to the store to get her a drink do you think it's because I'm doing her a fucking favor?? No, it's because every opportunity I get I let her know that she's the one for me I take it because SHE IS. Honestly I've tried everything that I could possibly try and I'm quickly starting to just accept the reality that women are insane unstable creatures and that I should just stick with my basic instincts and just run through as many of them as I can before I die because if this is what a relationship is about I'm no game, not because the sex dies, but because that connection eventually dies and it turns into the man constantly doing something wrong that affects the woman emotionally and having to endlessly work to fix something that isn't even broken. Fuck it superman isn't real, and men have feelings too but they are so insignificant compared to a woman's right? Right.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009):

You are screwed you can't never change a person. You just need to find someone who loves you the same levels you love them. If a girl stops from having sex with you there is something wrong becouse if she really cared about you she would do anything for you not to go away. You can be boring the heck of her by becoming a pushover and by being a pushover make you lesser of a man in her eyes. And with this creats a lack of sexual attraction frm u to her.

To fix it from breaking up...you need to work on yourself. Go to the gym, go out with the boys, become busy and make her see that you don't need her in your life to survive there is planty out there for you....she will give you more love and attention...

The key to sucess is to become a man who is firm with its decision and know what he wants and don't let someone take over.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009):

As as somewhat realistic male, it has occurred to me that EVERYTHING men seem to do is aimed toward getting a woman in bed. (frankly, it's a guy thing, okay?) Whether we are acting goofy as teenagers because we don't know how to act, or being suave and chivalrous opening doors and jelly jars, all we want is for the female in our lives to recognize that we want them, that we are the 'providor' (raised that way I'm afraid), and that we are the protector. But let me add a little something here - it's not always for S-E-X. Often cuddling and kissing is enough. Sometimes all we want is to be cradled and fall asleep in your arms. But as we are men, (geneitcs again) we all too often lack the ability to NOT overthing every situation and simply ask for what we want. Most men do love to share quite moments. Most men do love walking and holding hands. Most men want nothing more than to please 'their woman'. And we (guy thing again) just don't know how to ask or express it, so we get base and rude and rub up against you and go "Hey Baby! Wanna see my etchings?" (please feel free to substitute 'etchings' for whatever is appropriate for the day, the age, and the locale.) The key as near as I can tell is communication. And too few of us actually have had any training in that arena. Grunting and holding up the dead animal that we caught for you should be enough, shouldn't it?? For me, I need input. I need to KNOW what you want, when, where, and how. Tell me where to put my hands. Tell me that you love something and I will do it. I, me, us, men, (genetics again) are almost ALWAYS 'on'. We just need to know how to be better lovers. Oh, and gentlemen and ladies, if your partner refuses to communicate, force the communication is some persistant (though gentle) fashion - NOT the sex. Sex will happen when it becomes a part of a bigger pictures. I have more to say, but I ramble and blather on some times. And yes, I have had 'dry spells' of over a year with the same woman. Once I started to communicate and LISTEN, we've been like happy rabbits in a field since. Don't ever stop listening, and don't ever stop having a gentle hand. That works for me.... most of the time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009):

My girlfriend and I were together for 2 years, broke up for a while, but now live together. I have the same problem, but the only difference is that I do everything the same as when we first got back together. I spend as much time with her as possible, tell her how beautiful she is, tell her and show her how much I love her, and constantly cook for her. When I discuss this with her she tells me that I'm not doing anything wrong, nothing has negatively changed on my end, she loves me, wants to stay with me, but does not miss the sex or the intimacy. I can't even kiss her because she feels like it has to lead to sex. This is a big problem for me because I feel like a relationship without the sex or intimacy is just a friendship. This girl is the love of my life and I eentually want to marry her, but refused to be in a sexless marraige.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009):

I too have had this problem with my girlfriend of four years. I want it all the time and she wants it once every couple weeks. I love her very much but she is just sexually boring. She only likes two different positions and i like many. I wish i could have another girlfriend and she wouldnt mind. Her and the other just for sex. Dont think that will happen though

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009):

sorry i have no proper input but im just saying that all these posts from people have made a difference and helped my relationship and im sure many others, thanks everyone 3

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

Well, I'm a 20-something female engaged to a wonderful man. We have a similar problem also, we don't really have sex. He constantly panders me for it, and I get very annoyed at fighting off his advances. He thinks I don't love him anymore, and it hurts me to see him so upset, so it's a no-win situation. I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want sex too. You'd say the easy solution is "well, have sex then", but it's not that simple. We used to have a lot of sex (something which has been highlighted by everyone on here), and everyone wonders what has changed in the relationship to make it like this. Well, I think I've identified the problem - WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER WE HAD A LOT OF SEX, BUT WE ALSO HAD A LOT OF FUN IN THE RELATIONSHIP. I know men would be happy to just have the sex, and not miss anything else, but I would feel like I was being used (this is why I don't have sex, I feel disgusted with myself because I feel like I am being used). Women need to feel motivated to have sex (I do not mean aroused), they need to feel like their relationship is as dynamic as it was when you were dating. The "spark" needs to come back. Think about it - when you go on vacation, sex goes through the roof, because it has brought back the "spark" and the fun element of your relationship.

Men have their needs met through sex, but female intimacy needs are more complex. I have found that I need to have stimulating conversations (not just "how was your day", but actual intellectual/creative discussions), and actual experiences (you don't need to spend money, just time.....I was ecstatic when fiancee asked me to play X-Box with him the other day rather than zoning out like he always does). Women need to feel like they are part of a "team" again and that the team is working towards things (even if that thing is as simple as winning an X-Box game).

Couples need to reconnect if they want sex. You need to get out, talk, have fun, play and laugh. Only when the "spark" comes back will the sex.

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A female reader, aef25 United States +, writes (26 August 2009):

hey! ok, i'm a girl going through this problem right now. i just never want to have sex anymore. it's making me feel so guilty, so i googled my problem and found this site. my boyfriend and i used to have sex a pretty good bit, but lately, i just haven't been feeling it. he is a great guy...he treats me fairly well, and he tries to be romantic. i can't help but think that part of my problem stems from the fact that he keeps on bringing it up. all i hear "is why don't you want to have sex with me?" over and over. it's only been like a week, and he's freaking out about it. here's the big thing: HIM PUTTING PRESSURE ON ME AND BUGGING ME ABOUT IT DOES NOT HELP. he has made me feel so guilty and bad about myself that i just don't want to do it. the pressure is just too much. i mean, we don't live together, and when we do see each other, we usually have sex; however, it got to where i actually wanted to go out somewhere with him and have a nice date night or something before we just hopped to it. oh no though...one week without sex is just too much for him. the poor thing is sooo deprived. are you guys just all about sex? i mean, i feel like it's never enough for him. i like sex too, but i want more than that. all i feel now is pressure to have sex, and that is not a turn-on. i've told him that, and he said something about me trying to control our sexual relationship and whatnot. well, if i'm not turned on, you want me to just lay there and let you get yours? i don't think so. sex involves two people. it's supposed to be a great, emotional thing. i just don't know what to do. i feel bad for not wanting sex with him, but then again, i don't. i just feel nagged all the time. he has made me feel like i am not a sexual person and have completely lost my libido. that's not true. i am horny right now, but i wouldn't want to have sex with him. i'd just rather do it myself. anyways, i think writing this has upset me even more. girls love sex. we do. i feel terrible about him bugging me about it to the point where i just don't feel like doing it with him anymore. i feel like every touch and every kiss he gives me is just to get me into bed. it's so much pressure. so, there. that's all i'm gonna say.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009):

i was in the same boat as you all... the first girl is right.. when me n my girl started dating i used to pleasure her all the time just beacuse... not wanting anything in return jus to giv her pleasure ...then so on i slowly stoped pleasuring her all together n recieved pretty much nothing ...most likely because i was being selfish n if i did something it was to get sex .. not like before ...when i realized this i wanted to punch my-self in the face, so i started being the way i used to be ...now things are the way it used to be. hope this helps everyone else.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009):

yo.... this is pitiful. Look at all the guys here talking about how their woman wont go to bed with them. I live with my girl and its the same thing.

I guess sex isnt that important to a woman. But it is to a guy. I think Im ready to cheat. I could.

I mean, what would be wrong of me? I even ask my girl to just sit next to me when I wak off. She yells at me and says NO! IM TIRED!!!!

all she has to do is sit there for 5 minutes and BAM, im done.

Sex is a difficult thing. I love her but Im not happy at all with the sex. hmmm...

its a fuck of a thing. hahaha

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009):

ive been with my girlfriend for 2 yrs now we used to have sex all the time i did long distance and moved here for her now i get sex once every 2 months if im lucky not even my birthday or valentines when i try all i get is im tired i dont feel well i keep saying why dont you ever go near me and she turns it around and starts having a go at me i feel empty i want to be with her but i want to be loved im so comfused she says she loves me but feels like she is going off me

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A male reader, Ohsawn United States +, writes (4 March 2009):

I feel for you, me and my girl have been going out for a little over a year and ever since about 3 months ago we have only had sex 2 or 3 times. It's very disheartening and I dont know what to do about it. she still masturbates and she still says she is attracted to me but we never have sex. I still try to romance her and it even seems like she never wants to cuddle or passionately kiss anymore, sometimes she says she wants to but to wait till tomorrow... and it never comes. also, I'm pretty sure the only time she had sex with me lately was out of pity. I dont know what to do anymore, she wont seriously talk about it and all she says is she doesnt know why it's like this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009):

Dude, this is my exact situation, I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, as I'm still looking for an answer myself (found this through google search). Just know that you're not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009):

the problem to me sounds like your not pleasing her. he first year is exciting and then she has become bored.

You need to please her and make her come back.

Men always think that because you have come that a girl should feel good she has pleased you... so not the case.

You need to practise pleasing her, work on her a few times and do nothing to yourself. If you have to go into the shower and finish yourself off.

This is the sure way to get your sex life back on track.

She doesnt want to talk about it because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings. How hard is it to say your not doing your job right in the bed room???

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009):

wow, all of us are in the same sinking boat lol, ive been with my girlfriend for 6 years, our sex life was great AMAZING i should say for 5 years, i treated her like a queen, but nov/2008 we broke up, she actually got drunk and cheated on me, so i left her and she had another boyfriend, well we are back toegther but the sex life is gone she feels so wrong for what she did to me that .. she doesnt feel like having sex... but she still would get really wet for me .. lol .... weird...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009):

You know what the problem is with most guys? They act like women. Women who want other women are lesbians, but if your girl is straight why would you act like that? Women dont want nice guys, they want men. They want a guy who is confident and not a guy who calls her beautiful or cute every 5 minutes. Do you ever nice attractive girls with unattractive guys? Thos unattractive guys act like men, which is why they can get a girl out of their league.

Almost every person out there acts different in the beginning of a relationship. They kind of pretend like they are someone else, until both people are comfortable enough to let their true skin show. In most cases they have and want sex more, because it's something new. After a while it starts to get less and less until the man becomes unhappy. I really believe most men are programmed to have more than woman. I mean back in the cave man days it was their duty to have sex with as many women as possible to spread their seed. Now society wants us to marry one woman and have kids. Of source their are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part this is true.

My opinion is this. If sex has turned off like a light switch, then something is happening with her life which has caused this. Maybe more stress, started taking birth control, or something else. She could be cheating. Theres many reasons.

If sex is slowly going down hill that is normal for most couples. If you aren't happy then move on to someone else. If you don't want to move on then learn to be miserable. Do not listen to girls for advice. Telling men to take them to a theater or out to a nice dinner. Yeah im sure a girl wants to be treated like that just for sex. Most women are not nymphos, but some are. If you want sex every single day until you are 80, then you are going to ave to go through a lot of women to find her.

My opinion is men need to stop acting like girls. Show your woman you are confident. Don't beg for sex, and let the woman know there's lots of girls out there who would love to be with you if you broke up. You want your woman to want you. Look at Hugh Hefner. If nobody knew who he was, but walked around with 3 blondes all the time, you know how many other women would stare at him and be instantly attracted? Why, because he has 3 beautiful women in his arms, so he must be doing something right.

To the kid who's 17, you need to get a life. She hasn't had an orgasm because you don't know what you're doing. Some women are harder to cum than other women but its not impossible. You're only 17 and you are so worried about your girlfriend not having sex. I'm sure you two are already broken up by now, but if not it will probably happen soon. Go find yourself some new tail and stop worrying about her, and for god sakes stop acting like a woman. Stop complimenting her and act like a man. Its important to treat your woman with respect, but there's a fine line between respect and acting like a girl. Learn where that line is and don't cross it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009):

i dont think the females posting know the situation as well, because I have never stopped making it more and more special every time, but i still get the cold shoulder and i still get the "i just got home from work" and i dont understand that cause sex is relaxing if anything, it's a release from the stress, not something that adds to it, and ladies, it really IS too much to expect everything out of your guy, and I say this from experience, expecially when he gives you everything of himself already, sometimes you have to bare with him too and realize for us it's an instant response to sexual stimuli, if you man gives you everything, you should give it back to him, it's really wrong to think that he's got to do everything just because you "not in the mood" because more than half the time I'd bet he does it for you every time. Well I guess it's never enough.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009):

I have been in a relationship with my girl for 4.5 years and she's 19 and im 21 and I have had sex pretty often for the last few years and I also am starting to see that she has turned off her sex drive, so to say, I agree with the person before who says men are treated completely unequal in relationships, i do everything, i write poems, songs, take her out to eat, to movies, to comedy shows, i treat her with all the respect a man can give a woman, and her mother very graciously offered to buy us a house if the house goes down in price, im astounded really, but her initial thing was to tell me I'd have a room for my music stuff and all that, and the rest of the house was hers, i know it was probably just a joke but I cant help but think maybe she meant it, and maybe that's how it will be, i feel like i get nothing in return for everything i do, i love to do what she wants and i love to please her sexually, but like i said lately she's seems really uninterested in me, so if nothing else man, know that there's plenty of other guys feeling like you do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009):

it's terrible. i'm in the same position too. and the only thing i want to do is cry. we have been going out for one year. do people have sex a lot after one year or is it just down hill after that. i just want a hooker with a heart of gold

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009):

I understand your pain man. I am in the same situation. I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now and after the year and a half mark she turned off sex like switching off a light switch. I have had sex once in the past 9 months and out of pity I believe too. It is extemely frustrating and painful because she does not give a reason nor does she want to seek a solution. Unbelievable right? And I don't agree that we are sex driven pervs as people make us out to be. Sex is an important factor in a relationship and when it's stopped for no reason and abruptly, how can our thinking and rationale not point to "There is a problem, but I cannot pinpoint it." We want to fix the problem, not on the physical, but spiritual and meta-physical level.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

Oh my god, i cannot beleieve some fo the responses on here. All these whipped guys or girls whoever they are sayin "when was the last time u kissed her, called her gorgeous, romancerd her, this that. what the hell! Why is it always us? What do they have to do for us? Nothing! This poor guy isn't nagging for sex. From what i can tell form the email he's a ncie guy who loves his girl and he wouldntr have to be "nagging" or "begging" if she'd give him some once ina while. Especially since she used to. That's plain wrong. As another person said, nobody wants to be in a sexless relationship. I'm in one and i wanna cry myself, cuz i love her very much but soemthing is seriously wrong if she never ever wants to do it.

That's how its supposed to be when ur married with kids in ur 40's. Not when your dating under 2 yrs in your 20's. I am so sick of this female worship . I am all for equal rights equal pay, equal everything. But i am not for this disrespect of the american make these days. Men do not have to worship theyre women and cater to their every need. Men have to respect their woman and support them emotionally. Romance and sweet acts shoudl be expected from time to time. but other than that men do not need to go nuts. What do women do for us? men r ignored. I dont care what women say, they have it alot better than men these days.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

wow 27 yr old guy here and your situation is exactly like mine, funny how similar it is. We're almost the same age, ive been goin out with my girl just a lil longer than u, 2 years, but we moved in together 5 months ago. We used to have sex whenever we had a chance, we'd do it in the car, we'd do it in her parents bathroom with them home, she was so into it. She actually wanted it more often than i did, i thought she was like a nympho. Too good to be true cuz we were great together as a couple in general. But now? We have sex once a week if im lucky, just like u said. I'd say in the 5 months weve been here, we've had sex 2 or 3 times a month. Thats 10-15 times in 5 months. There is something seriously wrong with that. Now if she was like that all along hey id understand. But she loves sex and from what i know about her past, she is no stranger to it, she told me stuff when drunk.

So i dunno man, could it be that we moved in with our girls and now they feel like they dont have to anymore? Nah i hear that from other guys ive asked on a message board. Girls act on emotionn ot logic. I think they just aren;t attracted or exctied by us anymore. It hurts but im begining to think thats the truth. Amazing thing is whenever i bring it up, she gets so upset and dneies that she turns me down and says "i never try" which is complete nonsense. it doesn't make any sense but girls never do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009):

Take it from someone who has been in the same position that your girlfriend has been in.

You said that you have tried talking to her about it and that she doesn't seem to want to talk about it: how did you approach the situation? How you approach it is just as important as the communication itself. If you came off as a little defensive, she may be feeling a lot of pressure to perform and that is turning her off.

It could be that she is feeling a lot of stress or anxiety or she could be depressed about something. Has you asked or has she told you how she has been feeling lately. It may be that you might be discussing the problems with your sex life and not enough about how she is feeling. If a woman has a lot on her mind or there is something bothering her, she is more likely than a man to not feel in the mood. Communication is the key and since sex like the relationship itself is a team effort from both of you, it requires patience and work from each of you not one person or the other. She may not be saying anything b/c she is afraid of telling you how she feels. Sometimes you have to encourage her to be more forthcoming with her emotions.

Also; excess masturbation and birth control can also contribute to the problem.

Just remember it takes two to have a really great sex life and b/c it involves the both of you, you need to make sure that you are listening and understanding how she feels and also see that her needs are met as well as yours. But both of you have to make it work. It isn't just about one person.

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A male reader, VIZCAINO United States +, writes (14 January 2009):

Ladies stop with this we dont treat our woman right. if we didnt we'd wouldnt be here online trying to find solutions. we'd be playing on our loved one... so were here for a solution. The Fix. I Still treat my woman like the queen i feel she should be treated. but im unhappy with our sex life. She didnt even bother trying on my birthday after 3 months without seeing her while visitng her family..... she says shes attracted to me and loves me but she doesnt even try. she takes a sleeping pill we live together... how am i suppose to compete with that.... we love eachother but where is the love??? i dont even bother i guess ill have to accept it....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008):

What is the deal with society today always having the man pandering out to please the women? You read any mag or go to any website its all about how to please her, how to read her signals (not that she couldn’t tell you herself?) how to get her to want you more, how to give her the space she needs, how to support her when she’s stressed from work/home/whatever.

I can understand in the past it was all twisted and women were completely overlooked but everything is swinging so far back the other way it’s ridiculous.

I really feel for my future sons and wonder what will be there for him when they come to age. More and more women in today's society seem to lack an understanding of what it truly is to love a man and to know him well enough to express it in ways that will meet his needs.

Look at this thread:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-just-doesnt-seem-to-have-the.html

Look at the two - basically, as I see it - women want exactly what your not offering them. Pretend you’re not interested and they will want your attention show too much interest and they want space or see you as boring. Don't cuddle them enough and your just using them for sex, cuddle them too much and your smothering them. Initiate sex and your nagging them, don't initiate sex and your either waiting forever for them to do it or they are mad your not interested in them anymore.

Men are now days more and more expected to be able to read a woman’s mind and in most areas of a relationship when it comes to sex, romance and emotions they have to take back seat and have no other option than to succumb to the woman’s whims.

A poster in the other forum stated a power struggle and that’s exactly what it is and it shouldn’t be. Two people should be coming together and doing all they can to look after each other and putting their own wants and needs behind the wants and needs or their partner. Learning all they can about their partner in all areas to ensure that in every way they feel loved and validated.

Women should -never- be treated poorly by any man nor should they be spending every waking moment giving into every whim of a man but there needs to be balance. There is very little today as I see it as too many women are so self absorbed in all the new messages society fills their head with about their wants and needs that when it comes to a real relationship, one of give and take and a family with a home and a mortgage… there are a lot of lonely men.

Speak up about it did you say? Tell your partner? We do, listen to both these posters, the women ignore the issue, someone in there actually mentioned the worse thing you can do is repeat it once you have stated it because you’ll sound like a broken record.

Another person said state it once then take a step back and let them come to you… power games? That’s mature, men are so ignored and their cries go so un-noticed they need to engage in foolish mind games to half get their needs met? (if you even think I am simply meaning sexual needs shame on you) As for sex, nagging and nagging for sex is unsexy… well for goodness sake this of all things I fail to understand, it just shocks me. Not to long ago in this world men seldom stuck to the one partner and some scientist will even argue that men are not created to ‘sow in one garden’

Of all the people in the world, of all the women and in of all the places your man is wanting to be with -you- he could be out sleeping with your best friend (some jerks do and shame on them) he could be out paying for it or having an affair, but he’s not… he’s with you, wanting to be with you. Through all the history of the world humankind is finally brought to the point where woman are respected more than ever and cherished and valued as members of society and equals in relationships and the thanks a man gets is ‘not tonight honey I have a headache’ or a cold shoulder or ‘stop nagging me’. They are finally more than ever able to live a life that doesn't view them as whores and the first thing they do is use their body in a power play agains the very men they say they love.

Love your mothers boys - they are likely the only females to ever really adore you, to see you for who you are, to know you better than you know yourself and truely put your first.

To the poster - your not selfish or silly, and your very much not alone, you cry and you look like a sook because even in todays world men shouldn't cry and if you go the other way and get angry you do yourself no favours either because anger is not socially accseptable. Men use to be hunters and warriors but now we are to sit quiet and smile and make plesent conversation and sort out all disagreements calmly. Fact is you can talk and talk and tell her and tell her and she can do nothing and your stuck, I personally -hate- the idea of power games, I find it lothesome I shouldn't call my partner who loves me and I love her because if I don't she'll want me and act in a way that will half meet a need she should be meeting in the first place? women don't know what they want - tell them want you want. Draw a line in the sand and be firm, its not about forcing a woman its about demanding a fair level of the same respect you afford her. Its as much your relationship as is it hers and behind all this about men striving to appease a woman men do have needs as well. Even if for example her hesitancy to see a doctor is out of shyness she is still placing her own fear before her love and affection for you which I believe is still selfish in its own indirect way. However, to hold such a high standard and attitude, ensure you walk the talk and when your called on, put your fears or embarrasments aside for something that she will truely benefit from or love.

Its about both giving 110% for each other...

Its just so seldom nowdays...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

I have the same problem. Although my girlfriend has been on the contraceptive pill for 6 months. We've been dating for 10. We are also 17 and as you can imagine my libido is huge. I want sex all the time, but I don't pressure her to do it. And I am a hopeless romantic, I call her beautiful every day and call her cute every second. We used to have sex a lot, I mean, we were both virgins and discovered sex together. But since she went on the pill, her sex drive decreased greatly, and she has never experienced an orgasm. This is probably because of our inexperience (she never masturbated as a child because she thought it was wrong) but it could also be because it is very hard for her to orgasm in the first place, so she tells me that she feels bad about the fact that sex isn't as good for her as it is for me.

I love her and everything about her, but I miss having sex. We haven't had sex in a week and a half and that's the longest since we've started having sex (a few months ago).

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A male reader, suzukigod United States +, writes (23 October 2008):

I am in a similar relationship. I've been with this girl since Feb, 8 months and counting. By now she has moved into my apartment and we spend a lot of time together. The sex has gone down hill, was nightly, then every other night, sometimes a few times a day, dwindled down to once every 3 or 4 days, which is when I really started to think, this isn't right. Haven't had it in 2 weeks now, this is the longest we've go. She just doesn't want me messin with her, trying to initiate, yet she loves to cuddle and stuff. She does enjoy sex when it happens, she cums very easily, I don't know what the problem is, I feel good bad about this, now thinking about kicking her out of the apartment, I mean I can't be in a sexless relationship and pretend like I'm happy with this? I just want to cry

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A female reader, duskyrowe United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2008):

duskyrowe agony auntGosh you guys moved in very quickly together. I agree with the other Aunts, when was the last time you courted her and made her feel a Princess. It seems all the romance of this relationship has ceased since you moved in with her.

Constantly pressurising your partner for sex is hardly a turn on is it? Create a sensual and romantic atmosphere, take her out for a lovely evening to the theatre and dinner.... make her feel just as special as you did 18 months ago.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2008):

Do you know what's really sexy? Your man nagging and nagging for sex. No that's a lie.

Do you ever just kiss her? Like really kiss her? Do you ever tell her she's gorgeous? Or do you only do those things because you are after sex?

You say you feel un-pretty because of this and I think that is probably the reason she's stopped wanting sex.

A girl has to feel like you want HER not just sex with a woman because you have got the urge. I agree that a good sex life is important, but that just means you both have to work on keeping the romance alive and not just do it because you feel you should.

Romance her. Make her feel gorgeous and stop asking for sex. She'll get in the mood far more easily once the pressure is off.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, GetAGrip New Zealand +, writes (17 May 2008):

Hi, I don't think sex is not the problem. You need to start treating her as you did when you first dated her and stop putting pressure on her. If you do she will never stray.

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