A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I deal with my gf complaining about her weight. I used to pressure her to keep an eye in her weight but she loves eating junk. I gave up about 3-4 years ago as we went from size 10 to 16. She is adamant it’s because it’s certain parts and she is not actually 16. She is lazy in bed, which I’m already over. I accepted her weight bought her new clothes. We are both happy. So what’s the problem? Well now her legs are rubbing together. So she is wearing weird bottoms, and has started wearing square tops to hide the fat. it’s okay if she hid it and never mentioned it but no she complains so much. I can’t force her to the gym: I am just not willing to help her because reducing size 16 to 10 is very hard. I asked her to keep in shape with me when size 12 but she got annoyed and said it pushes her to eat more. Okay so I let her eat, as I don’t want to be controlling. Now it’s middle of summer and she feels fat. I’m slim and have worked hard for summer. So I feel like we are so different. It annoys me that I warned her yet I was the bad guy. Now she’s crying over dresses her friends can wear but she can’t. Now how is that anyone’s fault apart from hers? So that’s another year of memories wasted because she hates pics as her face looks fat. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): You say she has ruined a year of memories because "in pictures her face looks fat". Really, if that's how you look at it- that memories are not valuable because of her appearance...then what is left here? I agree with another female anon, if you are not attracted anymore than just LEAVE.
Everyone has flaws (physical as well as failings in self control or personality). Hers is, if it is as you say, that she is not into physical activity, likes too much t.v. and junk food. You KNOW her flaws and her strengths. You can't change someone. If you can't stand her personality nor her shortcomings, then leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): Wow you sound like a real charmer . ‘Your money ‘ and ‘ once we have kids who cares ‘ hmmm so women with kids are somehow different to women without . Let me guess, once women become mothers they are no longer sexy .
Honestly you sound like you have a horrible sexist chauvanistic attitude. Perhaps spend less time judging ‘women ‘ and how they ‘should look ‘ and what they ‘should weigh ‘ and focus on becoming a kinder and nicer person
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): Remind her, everytime you see her eating high carb foods. Pasta, Rice, Potatos, Soda, and Candy turn to fat unless you happen to be running a marathon today.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Next time she brings it up suggest she have a full medical check … not knowing anything about her life my first thought is depression, the second just plain lack of motivation. She wants the result (to wear dresses like her friends), without having to do the work.
If it is lack of motivation she may refuse to talk to a medical professional. If you are okay with her being lazy in bed and her ever increasing weight then you might just have to put up with her complaints. If you don't like the idea listening to the same complaints over and over again each summer then consider breaking up with her.
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A
female
reader, KeW  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Hello OP,
I understand your frustration, but your approach is cruel, even if your intentions aren't. Pressuring and warning people does high level damage to an already low self-esteem. Food can be addictive like drugs or alcohol, except you need food to survive, which means you're facing it every single day, several times per day, for the rest of your life.
She has to be ready to tackle this monumentally overwhelming task and it can take a long time to get there, with many setbacks. Often it's caring about health (not weight) and taking small steps to improve that, that will be more effective than overhauling an entire lifestyle in one go.
I agree that she needs to see a doctor because this isn't usually just laziness - there is almost always an underlying issue, which will only get worse if she feels unloved and pressured.
You don't mention loving her. At all. I completely understand the frustration of wanting to help someone who can't or won't yet help themselves, but you appear to have had a lack of compassion and understanding throughout all of this, which means any attempts of helping her have been sabotaged by your attitude before they had the potential to help.
We all have different challenges to face. Hers is an addiction to junk food - probably as a coping mechanism for something else. Losing weight isn't as simple as going to the gym and eating less, unless you are a very lucky person. You have to factor in metabolism, physical health, mental health, time, energy, self-esteem, support, etc.
You say that you've accepted that she's lazy in bed, but you haven't, or you wouldn't have mentioned it. It's okay to be done with her complaining about her weight, but it won't get any better for either of you with the way you've been handling it.
I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship. You're unhappy, she's unhappy, you have no compassion for her situation because you just think she's lazy, she's not ready to change her situation and needs support you can't seem to give her... What do either of you get out of this relationship?
Her health should be more important to both of you than her weight and, until it is, things won't change. You would both need to commit to a healthy lifestyle all year round and make it fun, not a chore to stick to. Also, any body is "summer ready", despite what the media feeds us.
I'm sorry, OP, but I don't believe you're a good match any more and it's sad to read through this entire post without seeing a single sign of compassion and love. I hope she finds a good therapist to help her with her journey and that you find your own happiness.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2019): Haha these responses make me laugh! Nobody is suffering apart from her. Her friends tell her, I don’t, i lie and tell her she’s skinny. But she knows the truth. That she’s fat because she’s lazy. Loves watching tv, eats chocolate for lunch, and dinner will be crisps. Of course my 5 yr old cousin knows that is unhealthy from learning at school but yet people defend her. Laziness is not an excuse lol.
Getting off your backside is the answer. She is early 20’s, she got all her life to be fatty. I didn’t go on her girls holiday, she herself felt odd being the only fat one there. Why? Because of junk food.
When we go out to eat, she orders more than me. I don’t like to tell someone what to order, she has free will to spend my money how she wants on whatever she wants. But if I ate those calories and than watched tv for 6 hours I would be fat too.
You women want females to be delicately treated. No way, if your fat it’s unhealthy. get off your back side and do some walking. When you come back don’t scoff junk and your all good. And she has opportunity to come gym with me, but I don’t want to argue with someone who makes excuses about how to workout. (I been going 8yrs, she been once)
Please note: I been telling her she’s slim and beautiful for 4 years. It led her to go up 3 dress sizes. Since I told her the truth she is concerned. I fell in love based on our hearts not looks. Her inside will always be beautiful to me. I will give my life for her. But again no excuse for not looking after yourself because your lazy. Once we have kids, who cares about looks. But while we r young and free, let’s create memories and do things. Let’s not sit inside watching tv getting fat.
Want a car? I’ll give it to her? House? Shopping? Holiday? Anything I’ll give it, I can’t buy her fat off her. She has to put some effort in. I don’t want no other girl. Just like I put in 7 days off work for us , she can make effort to keep in shape.
People who say being fat is amazing are usually wrinkly and have bad health followed by miserable personality.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 July 2019):
What have you done about a healthy living?? Have you joined the gym yourself? Go for walks? Bike rides? Buy healthy foods, and eat healthy yourself?
As you said...she complains and does nothing about it...well neither are you. Want her to do things differently??? Then YOU start doing things differently.
You can either lead her into a better life, or sit by and watch as things get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2019): Weight is JUST a consequence.
You cannot get all that weight just from lying in bed, you need to overeat. And when one is overeating, there are always some underlying issues.
She could lose weight, but unless she deals with those issues, she could either get it all back or develop another disorder on the other side of the spectrum - anorexia.
Outside pressure, even from people who love her and mean well, is not only unhelpful, it could be downright damaging!
First you have to be honest with yourself - does her weight bothers you? DO you find her less attractive when she is overweight? Do you think she should lose weight to please you (not only herself)?
You have the right to say YES to all three questions, but then you should accept that she might not be the person for you. And that is ok too.
But if you love her and want to stick around, understand that this is a fight that is more like a marathon than a sprint. This problem will be there in one for or another for a while.
If she can afford it, she should see a therapist.
Men and women are differently wired and certain habits we adopt are not helpful. For instance, where I come from women are mostly the ones who do the cooking. Maybe you see where I am going with this. Men just sit down to eat. Food occupies more space in our daily lives than on men's.
You cannot help her by telling her what she should do. She knows what she should do. You could be there for her, let the pressure off. If you mean it tell her you love her no matter what, but if she has some issues, there's a good probability that she won't believe you. Be patient. But first you should think about how much you do love her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2019): Your not supposed to be in her life to monitor and judge her weight or to warn her . If you are not attracted to her leave . Simple as that . She deserves someone who is attracted to her and loves her . Her struggles with her weight are exactly that ! HER struggles . Unless she is asking you to workout with her or paying you to train her then it’s not your job to say a word .
Too often men think women are simply ornaments to be assessed and judged on their looks and then chastised if they are ‘not up to scratch ‘ . This is a result of a world where men are trained to assess women’s bodies constantly through porn , media and even in the streets. As a result of this intense scrutiny women are put through all their lives even in their own homes many women become extremely sensitive to being assessed and what their male partners think and feel about them if they gain weight . She is seeing if you feelings for her are dependent on her appearance . Simple as that . You have a choice . The choice is stay or go . The choice is not harass her or not
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 July 2019):
 You know, I think she is NOT looking for advice from you to lose weight but for you to LIE and tell her that her weight doesn't matter, that she is gorgeous etc. no matter what.
THAT is what she want, not the truth.
As someone who WAS badly overweight after 3 kids, the ONLY thing that motivated me to lose it, was ME. Going to the gym 5 days a week, walking/bike riding/swimming 3-5 times a week (yes, on top of the gym) was ALL me. While my husband was supportive of me (when I was fat) he was also supportive when I decided no more. He didn't LIE and tell me that I wasn't fat (because I WAS) - he was smart to just not comment.
OP, I would consider 2 things here.
1. YOU can't change her. You can't fix her. I know men (more so than women) like to FIX things. Her being fat isn't something you CAN or SHOULD try and fix.
2. If you going to the gym, working out etc. doesn't motivate her, let it go.
3. being frustrated with her I can honestly understand. She wants to lose weight but not do the work, MAYBE because right now it's overwhelming for her. And again from personal experience, it IS. It's hard to get started on a routine, it's hard to look more critically at your food intake and yourself. SHE rather throw herself pity parties over and over than decide, enough is enough. HOPEFULLY for her, she will come to the point where she realized the weight isn't going to just drop because she wants it to. But she might not BE there yet.
4. it's HARD to watch your partner not take care of themselves. But again, YOU can not MAKE them do what you would LIKE for them to do.
PRESSURING someone to watch their intake of junk-food is not a good way to go about it. She already knows that JUNK-food is bad for her. SHE should be (without being told) be mindful of this. It IS her body after all.
Is this affecting your relationship? you sound like there isn't much love and affection there any more. Not (perhaps) she is fat but because she isn't doing anything about it except whine.
I think you approach is "typically male" (no offense meant here to you, men in general etc.) but the whole, if you don't want to be fat DO something about it. It's basic logic. But for us women, hearing it put bluntly can have an adverse response, such as "over eating" - "I'm fat so I might as well enjoy food I shouldn't eat" kind of mentality. It's a typical depressed person reaction. The fact that she isolate herself, doesn't want to be in pictures are also signs of this.
I think ALL she wants from you is to feel loved. She already know that she is fat. She knows that IF she wants to lose it she needs to work on that but it's overwhelming for her. Is she normally a person who gives up when the going gets tough?
Next time she bring it up, maybe suggest that she ought to talk to her doctor about how she feels and what SHE can do.
(again, I think SHE knows that is an option but she is frozen/paralyzed/depressed). Felling sorry for her won't help her either. TRYING to be more tactful... maybe.
You have to decide if this is a relationship that has a future. Not because of her weight, but her inability to move forward.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 July 2019):
 Only horrible people put pressure on others to lose weight, OP. It’s been proven countless times that pressure does not work - it often does the opposite because it makes people feel crap about themselves. You are not helping.
You need to leave her. She needs a supportive partner, not one with your attitude. I know you’re tired of her complaining, but she’s likely depressed, not just lazy, and you’re being borderline nasty about it. It’s not your job to WARN her. There’s a difference between ENCOURAGING and pressuring. Encouraging often works, but pressuring has the opposite effect.
Let her go and maybe she’ll finally feel a weight lifted off of her - your weight. Then maybe she’ll get some help from a supportive doctor and potentially a therapist. Having a boyfriend pressure her is only making it worse. She deserves better and you can find someone who you don’t have this attitude about.
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