A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and i have been dating for about two months now, and it's been a semi long distance relationship with her going to a different college than me about 30 minutes away. We argue here and there about little things but at the end of the day I've never seen so much potential in a relationship I've had before. Last week she had gotten done with softball for thanksgiving break so we got to spend two days in a row with each other which was amazing for us. We had a semi formal dance coming up for my fraternity on Friday so we wanted to hang out every day before that but on Thursday my best friend here messed up his arm pretty bad and wanted me to take care of him which i was happy to do. So i cancelled with my girlfriend knowing that we had just hung out two days in a row and were going to see each other again Friday anyways. We got into a pretty big argument about it to my surprise but seemed to work everything out that night and had our night of fun the next day. But then four days later she revealed something to me, she was saying how scared she was to tell me and that she was so sorry so she drove up to tell me this random crisis in her life. She started crying the moment she saw me, but eventually she finally told me that Thursday after our argument she didn't go to bed like she said she was, she went out with her friends and got drunk. This was a shock for me because she very rarely drinks because she's on the softball team and cares about staying in peak shape, but then she says after she got drunk some guy kept talking to her, and he kept asking her to come to his room. She told me she kept saying no and that she had a boyfriend and that she tried to go to sleep but he wouldn't stop asking. So then she broke it to me that her and this guy had sex that night, when i asked she said that he did use a condom but she doesn't remember most of the night. But another thing that bothered me was that the night after "she got taken advantage of" she had no problem getting sexual with me and having a good time dancing and going to dinner with me. If she truly had gotten taken advantage of wouldn't she had not wanted to get sexual again so soon? How could she just be fine like that and not seem sad about it until a couple days after the fact? So overall what i'm trying to ask is do i stay with her? I've never really been at such a cross roads in my life, she claims that she only remembers certain parts of the night but it seems a little odd she remembers little things like he took the time to put on a condom and that she kept trying to say she had a boyfriend, but never mentioned trying to stop him during the act itself. I like her a lot but I just don't know what to think right now, i can't really look at her right now because all i can see is her having sex with some random guy and it drives me crazy. So please if you're still reading i'd love some outside opinions on what i should do, do i stay with her and try to forgive and forget or should i end it?
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best friend, cheated on me, condom, drunk, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (16 November 2016):
As a rape survivor, some of the opinions on this question really concern me. Firstly, your own misconception that a woman wouldn't want to be sexual right away is incorrect. I've been to enough rape support groups to know that there's no one size fits all approach. Some women can't face any contact, some become overly promiscuous (if you give it away someone can't forcibly take it) and some manage to go on as normal. So that on its own doesn't prove anything.
There are also a lot of people who think 'if she won't report it she must be lying'. That too is incorrect. Only a tiny percentage of rapes are actually reported. Some women are too embarrassed, some are too scared, some think it's pointless because they won't be believed/it'll never be proved, some can't face the trauma of a court case after everything else. There are simply too many reasons to list. So that also isn't an indicator of anything.
Finally, there's the issue of consent. It should be simple but it's sadly not. For example, your girlfriend could remember telling this man no over and over, then only have one or two moments of memory between then and the next morning. If promiscuity is entirely out of character for her and she also doesn't remember giving consent, then in her head she will likely feel she was taken advantage of. The man may view it differently, yet if he has been continually badgering her until she eventually said yes and she's too drunk to GIVE that consent then he's still in the wrong. Just like if one of my friends, male or female, got blackout drunk I wouldn't encourage them to make any big decisions as they are in no fit state to do so. Sure they shouldn't have got that drunk, but that doesn't mean I can use the fact they did to get what I want from them.
Now with all of that said, I don't know the ins and outs of what happened to your girlfriend and it is possible she is exaggerating to remove some of the blame from her. I just wanted to point out that it's not as cut and dry as some people have made it out to be - it's those attitudes that make rape ond of the least reported and difficult to prove crimes.
As for you, if you want to leave your girlfriend over this - and I wouldn't blame you as regardless of anything else, she was hugely wrong for having sex with you before getting STI tested - then I think you should absolutely do it. But I'd do so without suggesting you don't believe her. If she is telling the truth, that can be almost as devastating as the trauma itself.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 November 2016):
As a rape survivor, some of the opinions on this question really concern me. Firstly, your own misconception that a woman wouldn't want to be sexual right away is incorrect. I've been to enough rape support groups to know that there's no one size fits all approach. Some women can't face any contact, some become overly promiscuous (if you give it away someone can't forcibly take it) and some manage to go on as normal. So that on its own doesn't prove anything.
There are also a lot of people who think 'if she won't report it she must be lying'. That too is incorrect. Only a tiny percentage of rapes are actually reported. Some women are too embarrassed, some are too scared, some think it's pointless because they won't be believed/it'll never be proved, some can't face the trauma of a court case after everything else. There are simply too many reasons to list. So that also isn't an indicator of anything.
Finally, there's the issue of consent. It should be simple but it's sadly not. For example, your girlfriend could remember telling this man no over and over, then only have one or two moments of memory between then and the next morning. If promiscuity is entirely out of character for her and she also doesn't remember giving consent, then in her head she will likely feel she was taken advantage of. The man may view it differently, yet if he has been continually badgering her until she eventually said yes and she's too drunk to GIVE that consent then he's still in the wrong. Just like if one of my friends, male or female, got blackout drunk I wouldn't encourage them to make any big decisions as they are in no fit state to do so. Sure they shouldn't have got that drunk, but that doesn't mean I can use the fact they did to get what I want from them.
Now with all of that said, I don't know the ins and outs of what happened to your girlfriend and it is possible she is exaggerating to remove some of the blame from her. I just wanted to point out that it's not as cut and dry as some people have made it out to be - it's those attitudes that make rape ond of the least reported and difficult to prove crimes.
As for you, if you want to leave your girlfriend over this - and I wouldn't blame you as regardless of anything else, she was hugely wrong for having sex with you before getting STI tested - then I think you should absolutely do it. But I'd do so without suggesting you don't believe her. If she is telling the truth, that can be almost as devastating as the trauma itself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2016):
 She cheated on you. Consciously.
To me the crucial point is " he kept her asking her to come to his room, and she kept saying no... " Well, then how did she end up in his room ?
Did he drag her in there forcibly ? Like a potato sack ?
If not... it means she chose to follow him. She could just have said more NOs!, or simply left the premises, instead she followed him, and that's not " being taken advantage of ", that's simply making bad choices..
What happened then, we don't know- unluckily it is possible that she got raped, in the sense that she was forced or threatened or intimidated into performing sexual acts while instead, for instance, all she had had in mind was a kiss or a cuddle... and that would be very sad , and she is still in time to go to the police if this is what happened.
But, for what you are concerned, the cheating began when she followed that guy in his room- BEFORE anything sexual happened.
Committed GFs do not follow perfect strangers in their rooms ; the fact that she was drunk is not relevant. Drunk does not mean " zombie " or " devoid of any personal will ". Otherwise we could just get anybody drunk and send him to kill our enemies or to rob banks for us. And she was sober enoigh to say NO, ergo to understand that she was being asked something wrong.
As for that,if we want to nitpick, committed Gfs don't even say one thing ( I am going to bed ) and do all another ( going out and getting drunk ). So the breach of trust may even start from there ....
She screwed up, she regretted it, she confessed- and that's a good thing , at least she has a functioning conscience, and the guts to admit it when she screws up.
Nevertheless, if you want to forgive and forget, it's totally optional. You do not OWE it to her just because she told you.
If I were you, and being that it is only two months that you are dating, and the attachment can't be extra deep because you do not have much history together ... I'd stay on the safe side , I'd save myself future headaches and hertabreaks, and cut my losses right now. It is unfortunate, since you had started with so much enthusiasm, then again if at the very first little misunderstanding you have, her over-reaction follows, with all this drama in its wake ... well, that has to mean something, hasn't it ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): "Taken advantage of". That's a ridiculous phrase for I was a bit drunk and the opportunity came along so I went for it anyway. She cheated. She knew what she was doing. Sure you can give her a chance to do it again and live with distrust. Personally I'd finish it. Tell her you want space to work out how you feel. Then work out how you really do feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Please don't take any notice of the whole if she were raped she would have gone to the police nonsense. Just no. What would happen? Get the same reaction from them as the reaction you've gotten here? She was drunk, she's a liar and she sleeps around.I can't say if I believe her account or not but I find it a bit irritating that a lot of people think it's ok to keep on at a drunk person to have sex. Do you go out and keep asking drunken women to have sex? If some girl told you she had a boyfriend and she told you no would you keep asking? Most people would back off and stop being a pain in the ass. The same goes for women who pester a drunk man for sex.She was in the wrong sneaking out to go get drunk and lying to you about it. You haven't been together that long, you're having arguments and it's long distance so it's probably more hard work than you need. Yeah it's strange that she seemed fine and danced and got sexual with you the day after but she didn't carry on being fine, she ended up having a breakdown and getting upset in the end. Why the sudden turn around.We dont know anything about where she ended up having sex with him, did she just go to his room or did he come and find her again and wake her up?Why don't you ask other people who were there how this guy was with her, ask them if they heard her saying no or anything. If she did actually say no then that should have been the end of it. If he kept on at her after she said no then yes she was taken advantage of. Who the hell thinks pestering a drunk woman is ok.I also have a friend who although hasn't had anything bad happen to her, yet, she completely blanks out after drinking. She has no idea how she gets home after a night out. Drink does make people forget parts of the evening so maybe again you could ask other people about how drunk she seemed. How does she behave when she gets drunk with you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Not all rapes are lodged with the police. The vast majority go unreported - lack of convictions, victim just wants to move on with life and get past the incident being amongst the reasons for the same. Since you are from the US I'm sure you know of the Brock Turner case. But I agree with chigirl - if she undressed herself then she wasn't too drunk to give consent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): She got drunk and was feeling vengeful that you stood her up for a friend. She figured she could use alcohol as her defense; but I suspect the sex was consensual. It was a bad decision she made out of spite; then regretted it.
You have the option to calmly confront her like a man, not a stupid jealous boy, and inform her you think the sex was consensual. If it was rape, she should have reported it to the police. She might confess the truth out of guilt. Then it will be up to you to forgive her and move forward.
This is only a two-month relationship and an LDR to top it off. I think the odds are against you based on that alone.
If you can't trust her, the both of you are kids away from home for the first time; and both attending different schools. You're going to spend a lot of time (which should be on your schoolwork) worrying about what she's doing, and if she's being faithful to you. Her credibility is shot.
I think you're both too young and inexperienced to maintain a LDR relationship while attending different schools. I think you should both be focusing on your studies and dating people attending the same school. You don't have time for soap opera drama; and already she has had sex with someone else.
Place her in the friend-zone; and maybe date her casually, if at all.
She can't handle her alcohol. It's a dangerous risk to go home with a guy (you hardly know) while drunk! Getting so drunk you blackout, and going home with a guy is a red-flag kiddo! She claims she told him she had a boyfriend. That didn't seem to matter to either of them, apparently.
I believe the sex was to get even, and/ or in the heat of the moment. She was more concerned about getting away with it, than if some guy may have sexually-assaulted her while intoxicated.
If it was me, I'd end it before I become too attached. You don't need the distraction of worry; when you haven't even known her that long anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Rape isn't always some monster hiding down a dark alley, snatching their victim. Rape can happen in relationships and it can happen on drunken nights out by a friend of a friend or someone who seems totally normal. If what she is saying is true, she has repeatedly told this guy she's not interested, has a boyfriend etc... the moment someone says "no" they're not consenting - even if you and a girlfriend were half way through having sex and she said she wanted to stop, if you were to carry on you would be sexually assaulting her. It sounds like she got mad and thought she would go out and drink with friends to let off some steam. A guy has pestered her and she wasn't interested, you said yourself she doesn't really drink so the chances are she was completely drunk as she's not used to going out and doing that kind of thing and he has taken advantage of her vulnerable state. People answering saying "she would've gone to the police if she was raped" clearly have no idea how rape affects people. She could be blaming herself when the only person at fault is the twat who didn't take no for an answer. She could report him to the police, but she probably won't. Why drag herself through the fight to prove she said no when it would be her word against his? She probably would've been normal with you on the Friday because she wanted to feel like everything was normal again and that she could forget about it ever happening. Clearly, she can't forget about it because she has come to you. It seems she is struggling to even accept that it is rape, by referring to it as being "taken advantage of". If you care about her, you'll be kind. You might be feeling really hurt and might decide you don't want to be with her but please show throughout you care for her. Take her to the doctors to get herself tested and tell her you're sorry to hear what happened to her. It just doesn't sound like she cheated, a girl would have to be really screwed up to cheat on someone and then say they were "taken advantage of" as that would be a disgusting thing to do. It would be in my nature to believe what she's saying and offer kindness and support as best you can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Tell her that if she won't report it to the police then you want to confront the guy yourself and tell others about him for being a predator. (Don't really do it, just make her think you intend to.)Then give her the option of admitting she wasn't taken advantage of, she just cheated.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 November 2016):
 She wasn't taken advantage of, if she was that would be rape and that should be reported to the police which I'm guessing she hasn't done? I don't think many rapists take the time to put a condom on either.
She was angry that you cancelled plans with her, she got drunk and she had sex with another guy because of it. She regrets it and that's why she's owned up.
Drunk or not, she made that decision to cheat. If she were my girlfriend, well, she would be my ex. Simple as that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 It's impossible for us to say if she was raped or not. Lets use the proper word here, not sugar coat it with "taken advantage of". Either the sex was consensual (she cheated) or it was not consensual (she was raped).
I would not say it is weird at all for her to go on the following day acting like normal, even if she was raped. No one wants to admit to themselves that they were raped, it is humiliating, it is something that can potentially destroy you for life, it is someone else taking your body without you agreeing to it, in fact reducing you to a slave without a choice. Who wants to remember that, let alone shout it from the rooftops... These sort of things takes time to process! Her reaction pattern would suggest she did in fact get raped, rather than it suggesting she cheated. Because if it was consensual her guilt would most likely have eaten at her and made her tell you sooner, and made her feel like shit and not want to go out and pretend like nothing. But when being sexually abused/raped, the most common first reaction is denial. Which is what she did. She denied it all, even to herself.
But, it is impossible for us to say what the facts were. Which is why there's hardly any point in going to the police with such crimes, because there is no evidence. She got drunk, she didn't tell him no correctly, her mind was swayed by alcohol and she didn't know up from down. He was probably drunk to. He didn't care she had a boyfriend, she didn't ... I don't know... slap him? I mean, what exactly are you supposed to do when a guy who's probably twice your size decides he doesn't care about a "no"? Most rape victims do not fight back, because they are scared. What you see in movies isn't real. What you think people "should" do is very different from what they ACTUALLY do in these situations.
Then again, maybe she said she had a boyfriend, yet walked into his bedroom and got undressed and laid next to him and didn't care because she was drunk.
I think the best question you can ask her to decide this for yourself, is: did you get undressed yourself and got into bed with him by your own choice, or did he undress you and get into bed with you while you were already there?
I think she probably doesn't remember him using a condom, if she has blanks about other parts of the night. Get tested. And then take some time to think, and talk, before you rush to a decision. This isn't an easy situation to be in, there are no clear cut answers on how you should handle it. If you choose to end it, you are within your rights to do so. If you choose to stay, that is also your right.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 November 2016):
 Irrespective of her contrition and guilty feelings, what she did is her responsibility, drunk or not. Having no recollection of details of her sex does not absolve her of what she did nor does it make it less significant.
At issue here is not how she feels, but the impact of what she did to you. I think you shouldn't be concerned so much about her own feelings of guilt but consider how what she did impacts you.
For starters, she managed to blow up her very young relationship with you. I would think that had she cared about the relationship as much as you do, she'd be more careful not to wreck it in such a young stage. This says, at least to me, that your aims in the relationship with her are not the aims she has. It's a mismatch and I would move on.
Then, consider your self and ability to accept this.
There are people who absolutely cannot accept any sort of physical cheating, that the trauma of it is something that is recurring, and cannot be removed out of your mind. If that is you, I'd advise you to break this relationship up quickly. The fact that the relationship is so young would make the break up easy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 This is a tough one. I don't want to judge her but to me it sounds like she was angry with you and she got drunk, so drunk that she had sex. Then she tried to forget about it but the guilt was eating her up.
Why not ask her if she feels she was raped to go to the police? If she said no and the guy carried on then that is rape. However if he had time to put on a condom and she remembers it but fails to remember some other stuff then am lead to believe that she was just very drunk and she is trying to get her way out off cheating on you.
If it was me I would either break up with her or say to her she should go to the police. My guess is she will refuse because she knows she didn't say no.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 November 2016):
 She made ONE mistake, for which she seems truly sorry. Have you never done something - especially after drinking - that you have regretted?
I can assure you that, if she had enough to drink, it is very possible she doesn't remember parts of the night. I used to doubt people who said "I don't remember because I was too drunk" until it happened to me. Some 20 years later, I still cannot recall parts of one particular night.It was so scary that I have never got that drunk again. I never want to be that out-of-control again. I THINK I snogged a friend's husband in front of everyone. I say "think" because I remember his face being inches from mine but then I don't remember anything else. Someone told me I had snogged him but I don't remember doing it. I don't remember getting home from the night out - including a walk over locks over a canal - so I have NEVER got that drunk again.
It is also possible her drink got spiked by this guy but it will be too late now to prove that, one way or the other.
It is possible she tried to wipe this night from her mind but then, spending time with you, she started to feel guilty and felt the need to confess. If she had posted on here and asked for advice, I would have advised her NOT to tell you because all she has done is unload her guilt onto you and made you suffer. I would have advised her to learn a lesson from that night (when she was very upset because of her argument with you) and to never get that drunk again, but to keep the guilt to herself.
If you can't forgive and forget, call it a day and let her find someone who will love her whole heartedly. However, if you feel you have a future with this girl, then talk about what happened and why it happened and spell out to her that, while you are willing to forgive a one off mistake, if she does it again it will spell the end of your relationship.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): End it before you are in too deep. She cheated. This is a demonstration of her personality. She was angry at you and this happened. Can you really see a future with someone who does this so easily? Also in no way is you cancelling plans a justification for her getting that angry. Plans sometimes change, it shouldn't be that big of a deal
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): She cheated. It's early. Break things off if you don't want more of this in the future.
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