A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really love my girlfriend of the past year and a half and we have even talked of marriage. The problem is that whenever she gets a little bit frustrated and stressed about something (her job, waiting in a long line, etc...) she takes it out on me by becoming super snappy and bitchy. She behaves this way toward other people in her life as well like her mom or whatever random unfortunate stranger who happens to be dealing with one of her issues (like calling her apartments front desk about a matainance issue). We have talked about this problem and she will acknoledge she was wrong and will promise to behave better but it is always temporary and her bitchiness always rears its ugly head within less than a week of our discussions This really bothers me and sends up huge red flags about what a future with her might have instore. I really do love her in every other way so my question is, is it practical for me to think she will change her ways or should a jump ship before this thing gets any more serious? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): There's a reason why we describe some people as "negative". They have a counter-productive effect on the people around them. They discourage creativity, inhibit productivity by criticizing constantly, demoralize, isolate, etc. You have to rid yourself of such people in your life because they will poison you.
Nobody is perfect. True. There are harmless flaws (like absent-mindedness) that can be easily compensated with a positive attitude (i.e. "Ah crap, I forgot the beer! I'll be right back guys!") and there are harmful flaws (like impatience and lack of tolerance) that are selfish and don't contribute to any solution (i.e. "I didn't buy beer because I didn't feel like waiting in line and I don't feel like going back.")
Most importantly, the more negative a person is, the weaker they are inside. Don't be fooled by your girlfriend's strong front. She depends on you more than you think. Deep down, she's scared to death. Why else would she act like such a b*? There's no need for agression unless you have something to lose. So, the worse she gets, the more she feels she has to lose.
Therefore, if you just threaten to leave, she'll bluff until the end saying: "go ahead, I don't care, you know where the door is". But when you do leave, she'll crumble. Don't feel bad, she brought it upon herself. Ironically, this might be the shock she needs to become a better person (emphasis on the word "might"). Unfortunately, she'll have to be a better person for someone else. Or maybe a couple of years later, you might get back together. By then, I bet you will not want to take any chances.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Hey Dude,
I can so empathize with you. I dated someone for almost three years ( honestly I think it was her longest relationship that she has had. Probably because I moved her into a home that was meant to be ours, and she wasn't paying for anything except for some of the food ). No matter what I said she felt the need to berate me. This is the best part it was always my fault.
Just one example (out of tons) we had gone to Florida for two weeks vacation. We had gone out for lunch and she wanted to split a meal. She wanted Mahi Mahi (fish, in case any one wants to know). I love fish, but had never eaten Mahi Mahi, plus I wasn't in the mood for fish. Let me tell you I still can't believe it, the argument she had started. I kept calm and said if you want Mahi Mahi get it I will get something else. Mind you she is a vegetarian and I never started an argument if she did not eat meat or something I was eating.
I figured out she was stressed and I knew why. She had applied for a Masters Degree to the Nutrition Program at Columbia University and was not accepted. When I approached her about it (to get her to open up and tell me how she was feeling) what a friggin toungue lashing I got (at the top of her lungs saying it's you, it's you ). Here I am trying to cheer her up and she brought me down.
My mistake was not ending the relationship ( because I am a sap and let my emotions get in the way ) it was not healthy for my state of mental health. I was changing I felt I had to yell louder than she was to be heard. Thats when you know things are going South.
No one should be treated like that and looking back I think in my case it had something to do with self esteem. Any way I wish you the best in what ever decision you make and remember no one should be treated like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): your girlfriend needs some anger management therapy tell her to get some or say goodbye my past experience says run but your in love so fight for whats right dont let it slide kick ass now or she will be kicking yours .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): sounds like my gf she blows hot and cold all the time and its become bad since our son was born last year she seems to enjoy talking to me and other like mud but she knows im a push over and very placid natured and wouldnt ever leave for our sons sake as i want to be a good father and because of that if i ever ask her to not keep acting so spitefull she just says if u dont like it u know where the door is or he would be better off with out me any way but on the next breath she is being nice to me but it just feels so fake as i know it wont be long untill the next insult. so you are not alone with this issue mate.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I might be a woman but no woman is entitled to be a bitch just because of hormones. Women use it as an excuse or copout. Sounds to me like you need to really take some more time on the sidelines and be the quiet observer. If she can't handle the tough times in life and it sounds like she becomes a bitch over simple issues then how the hell will she handle more stressful situations.. kids, work, being tired, bills, etc... you're supposed to be one unit, a team, partners. So where is she when ur needing her to be there for you? maybe sooner or later when ur married, and ur having a bad day and u need her to be understanding, she might be off on some tangent ranting and raving about her issues. marriage is a lifetime commitment dude. if in were you, I'd quit saying anything to her. You have reminded her more than enough so just sit back and roll with punches and be a quiet observer, gather your thoughts and observations, bring it forth to her after a while and she will say ok, she will behave better but by then uou will have enough solid proof to honorably back out and move on.On a positive note, maybe she will quiet down - be tactful. shes not a child who needs constant babying and reminders from u. so why should u be picking up after her slack? u want a lady, not the devils hellhound at ur feet. u want a decent mother for ur kids. not a screamer or someone who cant handle simple things in a logical manner.. take care.
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A
female
reader, stephytee87  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 i get this way wen im on my period. MayB sometimes shes entitled to it!But if its a common everyday thing then nip it in the bud. Tell her it makes her look like a horrible person and u know thats not the type of girl she is.Try and do it subtley. U dont want to be on the reciving end!x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): The way you talk about her it doesn't sound like you really like her that much. To refer to strangers as "unfortunate" for having to deal with her issues. Although you say you love her, you don't really show much concern for her and her issues. Instead you talk about it with so much disdain. That doesn't sound too nice either. I don't know. Nobody is perfect. I get sassy sometimes and it feels good to have a good boyfriend and good friends around who have never judged me for it and understand me and love me all the same and if anything have helped me get through my issues. But, I guess by the same token, in order to build good relationships you have to make those around you happy as well and understand their needs. Maybe she does need to lighten up a bit. But when you love someone, even their temper and their quirks are charming. Its possible that you need to learn to be a bit more tolerant and love people a little more unconditionally cause absolutely NOBODY is "perfect," (whatever that means). But its also possible that she's just got personality traits that are completely intolerable. I think it could be a combination of both. But just because her personality is intolerable to you does not mean that someone else wouldn't love her for it. In any case, if her attitude is nothing but a utter turn off to you (which seems pretty clear it is), then you guys are probably just not meant for each other. So I guess you should cut your losses.
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A
female
reader, Annalisa +, writes (20 February 2008):
 People come with different personalities and therefore have different ways of dealing with stress. Hers is obviously being snappy and bitchy.
The snappyness you'll have to live with, but tell her she needs to tone down her anger, most of all when the people she's taking it out on are not to blame.
If her behaviour is like this with everyone, it's not a problem caused by clashing personalities and should not get worse. The question is whether you love her enough to accept it as part of who she is.
Nobody's perfect. Some imperfections you can live with and some you cannot. It's up to you, really!
God bless and good luck!
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A
male
reader, gabba's say +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I just ended a 8 year realationship with a similar sounding woman. At the end of the day you have to look past your emotionally clouded judjements to what YOU want, Say 10 years down the line. Are you happy?? If not, I would picture yourself 10 years down the line and ask yourself will I be happy?? Should I have done it different. I did not want to look back in 10 years at what would have been an unhappy life with a few good bits. So for the sake of my own head, As well as all the family who bore witness to these terrible arguments I found the strength to end it and 1 month later, I am still going strong and know I did the right thing for me. Nagging Bitches just are not worth your while. It paramounts to bullying. It brings out the worst in you as you inevitbly counter the crap they spout for no frigging reason. These women dont change. you either accept the shit or get out and let some other mug do it. I saw a positive future for myself during a moment of clarity and knew what had to be done.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
 You have indicated that she is this way with others, not just you, so I don't think this is a phase. In fact, it's probably just the way she's always been and it's getting uglier as she gets older because she has not yet suffered any serious repercussions from her behavior.
When she is rational and in agreement that she needs to change, she needs to develop a plan for what she is going to do when her ugly twin comes out. She is incapable when she is irrational and biting off everyone's head. If you suggest this two or three times between episodes and she does nothing about it, it may be time to cut your losses and move on.
"Failing to plan is planning to fail."
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 She needs to de stress. There is too much stress inside of her. Get her to go to the gym or exercise and relax.
Be patient with her. It is only a temporary phase.If you understand her, then it should not be an issue.
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A
female
reader, stem1981 +, writes (20 February 2008):
I doubt she she will change her ways. Unless she is shocked into changing. What I mean by ths is if she losing something that she trully cares about and trully understands that it was her actions that caused it then she may change otherwise she will just continue to blame another for her mistakes. She acknowledges that she has a problem and says she will change but a week later carries on as before. This shows that she is trully not listenning.
She sounds like the kind of character who is very angry and unfullfilled deep down, she may have had different expectations out of life and may be upset that things have not turned out as planned. However, she needs to stop thinking she is right and change because SHE wants to. You will have a hard journey with her and ultimatley she may end up damaging what you both have.
It sounds like a character trait but Im not to person to help you solve this. You either stay a little longer and see if she changes but all I can suggest is for you to not commit to her just yet with marriage or children unless her bitcheness really does calm down. Because by thenit may just be too late.
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