A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What should you do if your girlfriend tells you she was raped by her x boyfriend but neva said or done anything about it and I'm the first person she told,to make it worse this guy is a good friend of mine but I don't like him anymore for what he has done to her,she also said that several times he has threathend to kill th both of them but he neva did it,He does'nt no that I'm aware of what he has done and he pretends to be fine with me having a relationship with this girl but Iknow he's obssed with this girl what should I do about the sitation as I trully love this girl and I know she loves me as well we are having a very serious honest relationship,and I'll neva use these things against her as I know its not her fault should I leave it just like it is and move on with this girl as she does'nt want to open a case and such things,I by all means love this girl unconditionally irrespective of her past n how she lokks etc,plz give me some advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): What you need to realize is that when someone is raped, this person can take a long time to trust again. What you need to realize is that you need to gain her trust in you. Let her feel in control of most situations and then gradually take more and more control over things as she feels more comfortable with you and gaining your trust, because you are the man and need to be dominant, but ONLY after she has your trust.You do NOT want to go to the police if she does not want to. You are being FORCEFUL (like her assailant was) and you will remind her of this feelings associated with the incident. Let her have the control with IF and WHEN she goes and reports this. DO NOT PRESSURE HER into anything, even if YOU feel like it's for the best interest.Remember this slogan when dealing with her:"Some of the best intentions lead to the worst of outcomes"
A
female
reader, Teenage-Rebel  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 You have to talk to her and ask her how long ago it happened unless you already know. Try to convince her to report him.
If your a true friend. You will have to report it to someone if she doesn't. The police would be a good start but if your nervous try talking to someone like a teacher or another adult you trust first.
but REPORT it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Your a great guy, firstly by your concern and your caring you giving her the greatest gift ever, your giving her love and acceptance and this will help a lot.
She's probably frightened to death of this man, and it seems that you may be too. That's natural. He likes to hurt people and if he can he will do it again.
How to deal with this, follow her lead, ask her what she wants you too do. She may never want to talk about it again, she may want to talk to a counsellor, she may want to talk him, or go with her to the police, she may just need you to hold her close and tell her you love her.
Tell her what you told us here.... You love her unconditionally, not matter her past, or anything else. Tell her you love her and want to help. Ask her what she wants you to do.... My good wishes to you both.
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A
female
reader, kittikat  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 I agree that you should consider reporting him...the only problem is that depending on how long ago it happened, it will be very hard to prove. That's what sucks about abuse. Another thing to consider is that we women are twisted, devious beings at times...It's the reason that allegations of rape are so touchy. I'm not saying that your GF is lying, but many girls do. For attention, compassion, for malice, whatever the reason may be. Who really knows what goes through their heads. It happens quite frequently, even to the suprise of the accuser. You say that he's "obsessed" with her. Is that because SHE says so? She may be trying to create a little drama between the two of you. By confiding in you about something like this, she's brought the two of you to a new level, you're her "protector" now. It's really hard to say why she doesn't want to report it, only she knows.. I was in a similar situation one time when I was young and I didn't report my "boyfriend"- it's a very scary, embarrassing thing for a young woman-most of the time we think it's our fault, there's a lot of guilt involved. I wish that I had reported it now that I'm older and wiser. The bottom line is that it's HER choice/option as to whether or not she should pursue it. I know that you want to help and feel a responsibility to society, but she's the one who's going to have to testify, in detail, re-live the whole ordeal, etc..If she's not ready, you can't force her. There are serious emotional/mental forces involved that she may not be able to deal with. I think the best thing for you to do is to be there for her, help her through dealing with it and talk about the consequences of having a rapist walking around without any type of treatment/punishment, etc...Just be supportive of whatever she wants to do and handle it as it comes. I would also recommend cutting ties with this guy, whether he raped her or not, it's obviously not a good friendship to be in. It will obviously cause problems in the future. Good luck, and be strong for her.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (21 May 2008):
 I think you should report him to the police, even if he is your friend. What he did was totally unforgivable and would not let that creep anywhere near you and your gf.
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A
female
reader, BlondeBabe x +, writes (21 May 2008):
 You have to talk to her more about this and if she was raped then you have to go the the police about this...
even if this guy is a good friend of yours do you really want a friend that could do somehting like this ?
There isnt much advice you can give and even if she doesnt want to it is just so important to go to the police about this!
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