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My gf won't admit she cheated on me, but proof is on it's way. What now?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 March 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 15 October 2009)
A male United States age 26-29, *odancro writes:

ok so I have been dating this girl for a while. (9 months). I love her very much. I worked away from home last summer and I returned to find a letter from a guy that said that my gf had cheated on me with him and that he thought I should know. He said she had told him that she didn't have a bf but that he had found one of my letters in her room and copied the address down. Before I got home my gf had called me and said that if I got a letter from someone, to throw it away. I thought this was rather odd. Anyway I obviously didn't throw the damn thing away. When I called her about it she said that if something sexual did happen, she was drunk and she doesn't remember it. The letter however says that they were writing back and forth and she told him she liked him and all this crap. Anyway she denies this and said that she never wrote him anything. This has been driving me insane. I've never looked at her the same since then. She always getting mad at me for not trusting her yet I've caught her in numerous lies before.

Anyway I found this dudes myspace and he told me he will send me the letters she wrote him. He's mailing them to me. I know her handwriting obviously.

She's threatened to break up with me if I bring this up again. I told her I wouldn't. I thought maybe it'd be better to move on. I do believe she really loves me. Maybe I should just let this one go.

When I get these letters I'm planning on showing them to her and I'm going to ask her to own up or it's over.

I really really really care about her and I'm sure I would never get over breaking up with her. Our relationship is fine now and I'd hate to mess it up. But this is just driving me insane. If she'd just own up and say she was sorry, I could move on and I'd even trust her again.

Sometimes I think maybe I should just drop the whole thing and try to completely forget about it. But at the same time I don't even know if that's possible for me to do. Alrighty I'm rambling now. Any advice would be much appreciated. thanks.

View related questions: cheated on me, drunk, move on, myspace

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A female reader, fakingsmiles4u United States +, writes (15 October 2009):

just dump her.

there is not one person on this earth worth staying w/ if they cheated on you, even once.

seriously. i'm in a bad relationship right now. & it's bad b/c he cheated on me. i thought cheating back would fix things but it didn't. also, he's still lying about details.

dump her.

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A male reader, dayers84 United States +, writes (12 May 2009):

Hey im telling you now if this guy has proof and she has lied to you in the past i think you should tell her to hit the road regardless of how much it might hurt, she will just test your limits to see how far she can push you! If she did love you as much as she said she did she shouldnt have been that drunk to where she didnt know what she was doing! As for them writing back and forth, from what you said she knew about this guy sending a letter to you so they had to have been talkin to each other! Im sorry if you lie once your always gonna lie..... Never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die!

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A male reader, jodancro United States +, writes (10 March 2008):

jodancro is verified as being by the original poster of the question

By the way, thank you for all your replies and advice, it is much appreciated!!!!

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A male reader, jodancro United States +, writes (10 March 2008):

jodancro is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok this is why I don't think he's mad and just trying to get back at her for "rejecting him".

1. She doesn't even say that's what happened

2. A couple of times when I called her on the phone, she said stuff like "same here" or "back atcha" if I said I loved or I missed her. She never says stuff like that. It sounded like she was trying to keep someone from knowing she had a bf who was within hearing distance on her side of the line. I said "I love you" 4 times in conversation just to make sure it wasn't coincidence. Every time the reply was "same here". I knew something was up before I even got that fucking letter.

3. I called her the night of. That night when I talked to her on the phone I heard some dudes asking who was on the phone with her. She replied that it was "a friend".

I sent this girl flowers all the way from CA. I sent her candy, I sent her pictures. (she was working at another summer camp on the east coast).... I sent her letters all the time. She wrote me also.

I really really tried my best to keep this thing going.

I do care about her. Yes I looked this other guy up. Why? Because if I'm in this kind of situation I need to know. I'm not going to keep purposely blinding myself just to keep this relationship. That does not imply that I do not love her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

I agree 100 percent with SamuraiRick and hlskitten. Wait until you see the proof. If you do see the proof then just immediately break it off. Someone who lies to this extent can never be trusted. Perhaps you could forgive a druken 1 night stand. Hey, we all make mistakes, but an ongoing relationship with him and then numerous lies is too much to accept. However, do wait until you see the proof. I think anyone would have opened that letter. It's fine if one can forgive, but not smart to just blindly ignore. In my opinion, at least.

I was happy to see the same responses from both a man and a woman. It shows that some people don't have a double standard. Your gf should do the same if you had done that to her.

Best of luck. If it doesn't work out, there are plenty of faithful and honest women out there. Men too.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

Oh geez. A lot of young people have trouble controlling their lust. You are young, your hormones are all over the place and then something happens, that you never intended. In men this is accepted but at least half the cheating posts on forums are of women who just couldn't keep their knees together.

First off, the guy may be lying. Trying to create trouble because she rejected him or whatever.

She called you to warn you of a letter, this in itself might just means this guy threathened her he would sent this letter to break up your relationship.

She says that if something happened, she might have been drunk. Right... you got to ask yourselve if you want a gf who gets so drunk at a party while her BF is somewhere else that she fucks random strangers. As I said, young people often make stupid mistakes.

Four things could have happened.

She was drunk and he 'raped' her, stupid of her to get so plastered, but people do stupid things and if she unable to stop it, you really can't blame her for that. You will have to talk this out, because one of the horrors of rape is that feelings of cheating still surface. Not that I think this happened. You see, she knew the sex was going to come out, so an easy defence would be a rape charge. So why did she not go to the police, it is a crime to have sex with someone who is to drunk to resist.

She slept with this guy and is using drunkeness as an excuse. As said, sometimes hormones get the better of us especially if we are not yet mature/experienced enough to deal with them. You really have to ask yourselve wether you are willing to continue with her. It might not be the last time, and it might not have been the first time. Even in 2008, we value fidelity and she doesn't have it.

She had a relationship with this guy as might be proven by these lover-letters. Then you are out of here. DO NOT pursue that kind of girl. Yes it might hurt, but people like that cannot and WILL not ever change. Cheaters are for life! I think this is what really happened, because it is the only one that explains all her actions AND in-actions.

How about nothing happened? Nope, don't buy that for a second. Women KNOW if someone fucked them. All her actions show she damn well knows she had sex with another guy.

You can't forget about it. Well, not unless you are willing to undergo surgery or do some really serious drinking. It will always be there. You might be able to accept it. the price of being with this girl.

You cannot forgive her until she asks for it, and anyway, I don't really like that notion. I may be splitting hairs here, but accepting that she did something that hurt you is something different then forgiving it.

Your relationship is NOT fine now, it is driving you insane. I know it is hard to deal with but trust once broken is rarely regained, and can you trust her?

Another poster got it wrong, she didn't LIE nothing had happened, she said that if something had happened, she was drunk. This means something HAS happened, and it wasn't rape.

Get rid of this girl mate, writing this I tried to find a reason to stick with her, but there isn't any.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (10 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf you really care about her, you should not have proceeded to find this other guy.

You would just throw that letter away.

You would rather believe a stranger than your g/f.

Even if you know the truth, what can you do?

Do you want to breakup with her or just to prove that you are right that she lied to you?

Will those letters prove anything?

If you are going on a witch hunt,

you might as well break up with her because you will not be able to accept the truth and neither will she admit to it.

If you really love her, then you should let this issue go and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

It does sound to me that she in fact did cheat. These situations always suck because you're gonna end up being hurt either way. There are just some people who do whatever they want & thats just the way it has to be. They cannot function in the relationship unless they feel they've gotten away with it. Furthermore they get angry when you call them on stuff. I would bet that when you get your "proof" she's gonna deny it's her or say that those letters are old. Even worse she's gonna get mad at you if you don't believe her. Keep in mind that she is the one who cheated... she shouldn't feel anything besides remorse. Don't let her get away with being angry at you when you're the victim

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (10 March 2008):

hlskitten agony auntHi

Hold fire til the guy DOES send proof. Sometimes people stir things because of all sorts of reasons. I wouldn't completely trust him over your girlfriend. Theres some seriously dodgy people out there honestly!

But if it was me, if he does email and does actually prove the fact, i would be gone. How would you know when you went away, that she wouldn't do it again, and just the fact that she lied so adamantly that nothing had happened if it had, would just put me on edge for good to be honest. Cheating is bad enough, but when someone blatently lies about it aswell, i would be wondering what kind of person i am dealing with here, you're onto a loser.

But wait til you actually get the proof! You might not hear from him again! That will look suspicious in itself.

Hope it works out ok.

C xxxx

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A male reader, SamuraiRick United States +, writes (10 March 2008):

SamuraiRick agony auntI don't know if you can win here. If the letters prove that they are in her handwriting and reveal real intimacy with this guy and how she feels about him, I personally would break up with her. I wouldn't even confront her with it. Just call her on the phone and break up. If she has any thing to say about it let her come to you, chase you down and beg for your forgiveness...and only then can you reconsider her back. But for now just swallow the pain and move on...and I know this is hard because I have been through a similar thing.

Even if she does come after you and begs you to come back to her....I don't know if going back to her is a good idea. She has already proven untrustworthy, and what makes you think she won't do it again. Certainly people cheat and it happens a lot. If its a one time thing its easier to put behind you and still maintain a good relationship. But in this case your girl has not only cheated the one time, that we know of, but also has written him letters, which implies more than a drunken night.

Have some courage here, and learn to accept breaking up with her. It is a hard thing to do, I won't lie to you. I'm sure your love for her is real, but it is something you just have to squelch and in time it will go away. When you meet another wonderful girl who will be faithful to you, you will forget she ever existed. But now the pain is with this and move on.

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