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My gf wants to learn salsa dance and I hate it. How to say no

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Question - (9 January 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2018)
A male Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 2 years now. I'm planning to propose soon but there's is something thas is making me reevaluate my relationship.

I took her once to a latin club where salsa music is played and she absolutely liked it. I didn't and I have never liked that music. She pushed me to salsa dance lessons and I hated every second of it. But she was fascinated and she really wants to learn.

If I refuse to learn she will hold it against me. She will go anyways, find a dancing partner and eventually hang out and go out to the club to dance. That sounds like a bad recipe to me.

But if i go just to make her happy I will be doing something that I truly dont want to do, Eventually I will hate it and at somepoint I could snap and eventually she will get mad at me for that too.

I feel like there's no way I can come out clean in this situation. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

I DO understand why this would make you think again about marriage.

I am a dancer and it's been a big part of my life for fifteen years. The thing is, if she really loves it, once a week or a fortnight probably won't be enough for her. It is actually called dance addiction. I dance between two and five nights a week. People I have danced with during the last fifteen years all agree that we could not live without it. We travel long distances to go to good venues, book dancing holidays and weekends where one and a half thousand dancers gather from all over the country. It's a way of life, not just a hobby and it's acknowledged between us that if your partner doesn't dance, your relationship will not be on the same page at all.

Now obviously I may be wrong and she may be happy with occasional dance evenings, but she said she loves the music and if it makes her feel the way it makes me feel, that I just have to dance, then I can certainly see a problem.

In my opinion, If she really wants to go, then you have no choice but to stand back and see what happens. If she falls in love with it, then I am of the opinion that unless you become part of the scene too, your relationship and/or marriage may well end up taking a back seat.

I suppose it depends on whether she loves dancing or you more. From what I have seen and the way I feel about dancing myself, you're in for some stiff competition.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

I haven't been to a dance hall for ages but I remember in the old days the dance halls used to alocate a time for every dance during the evening. There was time for waltz,the foxtrot, the latin dances like the cha cha, the tango and of course there was time for the jive and the twist. Aren't there such dance clubs now where they can have a salsa time besides other dances?

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (10 January 2018):

TylerSage agony auntPardon my French but, you sound hella dramatic.

You do realise this is one of the many things that will occur in marriage right? Clearly something is wrong with me because I REFUSE to beat around the bush with people.

"When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness." - Eckhart Tolle

Here you are overthinking such a simple situation into a mountain. Yes, woman can be strange when you tell them the truth but just be as compassionate and as tactful as you possibly can. Let her know that you can only do so much and that salsa is just not for you. You could even suggest a different type of that you might actually like to try this time.....and give it. Work on doing something you BOTH can enjoy.

I think she just wants to spend time with you doing something you both enjoy, she thinks that the case now because you keep letting her think you enjoy it. Suggest new hobbies you can try together.

All the best.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWhy on earth would salsa dancing make you re-evaluate wanting to propose?! That's petty and trivial, OP.

Salsa dancing is fun, sensual, energetic and a great way to exercise. If you don't enjoy it, that's okay, but don't expect her not to do it - that's not fair. Sure, she'll need to dance with someone else, but that doesn't mean she'll cheat on you.

Don't discourage her from it. If you're happy to try ballroom dancing, ask her if you could do that together instead. If not, then get over it and support her salsa dancing hobby. If you never do things you don't like (that she does), then you'll find yourself in trouble with any partner, as we have to compromise - as long as it doesn't make us unhappy or uncomfortable.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

Ah, my favourite dance of all time!

Try it! What have you got to lose?

Many men seem to have a real aversion to dancing. At least here in North America.

Let me tell you something. Real men can and do dance! And we women love a man who dances! Dance spikes your confidence and your sexual passion. You become like a fine tuned machine, especially your body. Dance salsa and watch your sexual skills with your girlfriend get better and you will notice how much more enpowered you will feel. Your energy, enthusiasm and stamina will sky rocket and eventually you will be addicted to the endorphins of dance.

Women love a man who loves to dance. Trust me, you will earn huge bonus points with her. And dancing together is fun and it builds intimacy.

Like I said, you have nothing to lose! It's win-win all around!

Just give it a shot.

You will be surprised at how it can change your life!

Leave your inhibitions at the door.

Nobody is watching you or judging you. Everybody is there to have fun!

Just give it a fair chance. And keep it up. Trust me on this! :)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

You better learn how to play the game of give and take before you propose to someone. Your idea of marriage-criteria is a little unusual. You would actually reconsider proposing, if she insists on going to salsa lessons? I can think of more serious issues to consider before popping the question, dude!

I was invited to a very traditional Polish-wedding years ago. I had to learn how to polka on the spot. I'm not fond of the music; but I learned how, and had the time of my life. It was learning something about another culture and blending into the jovial and welcoming atmosphere around me.

I haven't danced the polka since, though!

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet to please the one you love. I'm a great salsa dancer. It's very sensuous and rhythmic. It requires a sense of rhythm and good coordination. My guess is you probably have two-left feet!

That be the case, I understand! She should too! What fun is it if your partner can't do it? That won't mean she will not pursue it anyway. She doesn't need your permission.

I don't think she'd press it if she knew how much you really dislike the music and dancing. Isn't the point to do things together that you both enjoy? I don't think salsa dancing has ever arose as a deal-breaker in a relationship! If it has, that goes to the top of my "weirdest things I've ever heard" list.

I think you need be honest with her; but also try to be more flexible and experimental. Relationships and marriages that last the longest are usually between couples willing to please their partners and go the extra mile. You have to learn new things together and be adventurous.

You can't say no to everything you absolutely don't like that she does. Then you'll be venturing into incompatibility territory. She will pursue things of her own initiative, and you'd have no right to complain.

If you have a long list of dislikes; but she's the more adventurous-type. Had she written, I would have advised her to look elsewhere for a guy more her own speed. You might turnout to be a bore.

Think about it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

My group of friends did Salsa dancing for over a year, it was the "hot new thing" back then lol and most of the time you danced with absolute strangers but there are still rules. And it's fun.

So what that she has found a hobby YOU are not into? Why would you have to go with her? Does she need a chaperone? Don't you trust her to keep it "respectable"?

It's OK that you don't like it. And it's OK that SHE does. You aren't joint at the hips.

You could instead try ballroom dancing which is quite fun too or swing dancing. Or something ENTIRELY different.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Being a man means occasionally doing things you don’t like. Your girl has asked you to go salsa dancing with her she has told you she is going to go with or without you. Seems to me the answer is easy.

I find it hard to believe that you can’t work out some type of compromise. Such as going dancing together once a fortnight. That would satisfy any reasonable woman. If it doesn’t and you can’t suck it up for a few hours a month to please your woman maybe you two aren’t meant for one another.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (9 January 2018):

janniepeg agony auntCan you take her to a 90's club instead? She found herself in those dances and felt alive, and she doesn't want you to take that away. There has got to be something else that makes her happy. She needs to be more understanding that she can't make you do something you hate. If she wants to perfect the art of latin dance, let her. Finding a male partner doesn't mean she's going to cheat. It's understandable that you can feel jealous about this. But if you can't do something together that's equally enjoyable, that could be a problem. She's probably at an age where she worries about growing old, and latin dance is one way for her to feel sexy and confident. Other kinds of dance may be too formal and won't do it for her. You don't want to get in the way of that, but you want to feel like an equal partner, not pushed aside.

To hold it against you because you don't want to latin dance is unreasonable. You can say you understand her eagerness to share her new passion but unfortunately latin music is not your thing. It doesn't mean you can't share happiness and life together. There is more to relationship than just dance. You can support her new habit without making yourself do it too. Perhaps her newfound interest is a test whether she is right for you. You found that she loves latin music but at the same time you discovered the pushy side of her.

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