A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, been with my gf for 3 years she has never worked (she is 19) and neither has her mum I have worked since I left school. I spend quite alot on her having to buy food lending her bus money etc etc sometimes it annoys me sometimes it doesn't. She has now just asked me for £50 so she can go to a modelling agency who will take pictures of her then give her the £50 back.She has gone in a massive mood cause i have said no mainly because it's christmas and £50 can fill my car up with petrol plus it costs money to get to london and who do you think will be paying for that. Am i being selfish? I know it is something she wants to do but as much as I love her is it really up to me to keep footing the bill? Why do people seem to forget everything else you do for them as soon as you say no? What do I do now? if i am in the wrong please let me know, thanks all
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female
reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Oh dear. You weren't wrong to say no. What does your girlfriend currently live on?
Modelling isn't all glitz and glam. Its very hard work, with long hours. And many of the models who make it have worked their butts off. Your girlfriend should get a job to help fund her dreams. X
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (21 December 2011):
Where are my manners? I totally forgot to add: happy holidays to you too!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 December 2011):
You're welcome OP. Keep reminding yourself you're not there to decorate her world and that you're not a doormat. I think that resistance to her spoiled habits will make the relationship better, as we all know that spoiled brats appreciate gifts and money much less than someone to whom getting that is still a special thing.
Rule of the thumb: only treat her when you think she deserves it and when you WANT to. If one of these two things does not apply, don't do it. And never negotiate about it either. If you make a decision, you stick to it. Through this you will show her and everyone else that though you are generous, you have a spine and people will respect you more for that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Thanks for the replies everyone. There is no reason at all why she can't work she just has the attitiude of there is no jobs about so whats the point of trying. I didn't give in to her but I am pleased with myself in a way because I am alot more tough that I used to be. KC 100 I'm not that guy but could you introduce me to him please maybe we were separated at birth! lol. She actually said sorry to me last night after I left her to sulk. I am changing for the better though no point being a doormat forever and if she doesn't like it then I guess se knows what to do :) thank you all merry xmas :D
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Awwww come on honey, just give it to her. Relationships are all about give an take. It feels good to be the giver rather then the receiver........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): You should leave this selfish entitled spoiled gold digger brat. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but she's incredibly selfish and has no qualms taking advantage of people. And who better to take advantage of than her bf, because after all bf's are supposed to be loving and giving and supportive so she takes it a step further and says that it is expected of the bf to pay for everything she wants.
What is her reason that she has never worked? Is she disabled and physically unable to do work? Does she have to spend all her time caring for children or an ailing family member? Doesn't sound like it. Instead sounds like she simply doesn't want to work and believes that you owe her just because you are her bf. This is total rubbish.
Unfortunately a shockingly large number of women are like this. They feel that once they are in a relationship, all personal boundaries that their bf has are gone and that they own everything their bf has, and their bf owes them a living simply because he is the bf. Watch out because such women will want to marry you eventually in order to keep their source of income permanently or when they finally itch to have more and more things which they dont' want to work for (like a new house, or kids).
It infuriates me that our mothers and grandmothers fought for women's rights so that women could have the opportunity to work and earn a living and be independent and have dignity in being respected in the workforce like men. And then you have selfish entitled brats like her who are perfectly able to work and simply choose not to. They spit on what our mothers and grandmothers have fought so hard for, and want to degenerate back into the dark ages of having men be their caretakers.
You are not wrong for saying no. You did the right thing. There is no reason that you should be footing the bill for another perfectly able-bodied adult no matter who that person is. The fact that she believes you owe her, shows just how unsuited she is to being in a relationship if this is how she treats her partner.
You will never talk sense into such people so it's pointless to get into arguments with her over this because this is their fundamental belief that their significant others owe them. Their sense of entitlement is deeply embedded in their psyches. The only way she may ever change and become more personally responsible is if all her bf's and partners eventually leave her over this issue.
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A
female
reader, moli-c +, writes (21 December 2011):
i think you were right for saying no to her, if you do not want to fund her on this one you dont have to! Somtimes saying no is needed in a relationship, you have her spoiled like a baby, but babies are dependant,!?! If she really wants this she should work for it, when you earn somthing you value it more cause it will reflect how much work you did to earn it. besides saying no somtimes is taking a stand for yourself, and if everything is yes all the time, then no becomes uneceptable, where would that run the relationship? you did say Gf right, because they come and go, for the wife you gotta set it right in the beggining, so it will be right till the end
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 December 2011):
I'd dump this one, friend. She's using you as an ATM machine.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Why does she need to pay someone money to take pictures of her, is this leading to work? I doubt it, these types of modeling photos usually just lead to a stream of money flowing from the 'model' right into the banking account of the 'model agency.'
"Darling, you know I've not been stingy with helping you out in the past, with the groceries last week and the bus tickets and the unpaid electric bill, and I reckon I've spent close to £2500 on you over the course of the past 3 years. I normally don't mind helping but this is just getting too rich for my blood. In fact, I've never sat down and added it all up but based on this last request, I have started to wonder if I'm a boyfriend or a wallet.
I know you're in a massive mood, and are unhappy, but I'm not going to pay for this. You will have to come up with the cash for this yourself, if it's that important to you. Ask your mother or other friends.
Frankly, it sounds like a scam to me, no reputable modeling agency requires you to pay for photos, you can bring in your own if you are a serious candidate for a modeling career. I would suggest you spend some time shopping around for cheaper photographers, ask some friends, and come up with a creative way of doing this yourself. It might lead to something, I hope it does.
While you are in a mood, just remember that I've been financially and emotionally supportive of you for 3 years and I don't appreciate being told off for not giving you money I earned and money I need for my own transportation and Christmas presents.
Of course, we could compromise, and I will give you the money, but that will be the entire Christmas present from me this year, and I will not provide any additional funds when the agency asks for more money, as I suspect they will. It's a cash producing scam for the agency."
If kc 100 is correct, this is an on-going problem, and I wonder why it's taking you so long to just recognize she's a giant sponge?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (20 December 2011):
 No, do not give her 50 pounds!
You have done quite enough for her. Tell her its time to get a job - any job - so she can start earning something and boost her self-respect.........
Stand firm!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 December 2011):
She's 19, if she wants to pay a modeling agency 50 pounds she needs to come up with it by herself. I have done some modeling in the past and I never paid my agency a dime. After all, the agency is supposed to get you jobs. That's how they get paid. You don't pay for them.
You did the right thing by putting your foot down. You are not her piggy bank. I hate it when women act like this. They want to be treated as equals yet at the same time they expect their man to pay up for everything. It's a double standard she needs to get rid of. If she wants something, she needs to take action to get it, which does not include demanding money from a boyfriend. It means working a job.
You've been generous enough and she has not given you the gratitude you deserve. Well, in that case I would tell her that from now on you are only going to pay for your own expenses, because you did not get a job to provide for her. She should pull her own weight. That's another part of a relationship: not relying on the other for everything. She sounds spoiled to me.
Don't let her moods or hissy fits convince you of anything else. A real woman pulls her own weight. And at 19 she should be mature enough to do this. I was. So were you, it seems.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2011):
 You are not wrong. You need to tell her exactly what you think. That you have covered many of her expenses without her working (and why is she not working???) and that you just can't afford it now. AND if you believe like I do that it's a SCAM from this "modeling agency" you would be correct.
ACTUAL agencies do not advertise for girls to come in and pay them to have photos done.... finding models is not really done this way....
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (20 December 2011):
 you are not in the wrong.... not by a long shot.
Unless there is a genuine reason for her not working (pregnant, breastfeeding, raising a baby, ill health, disability - you get the idea) then its time she grew up.
She is an adult now and has to take on some of the responsibilities. Tell her you will support her whilst she gets a job and EARNS the money to take part in the modeling agency offer, after she has contributed to the household bills.
What I would be doing is collecting all the application forms from all the shops looking for part time seasonal work and popping them over to her. You will have shown your support by collecting the forms. IF she is serious about being an adult then she needs to get off her ass and prove it.
I suspect that she is just going to continue to sponge and whine until you finally see her for what she is and leave. Sorry x
(by the way - that offer is a scam).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): You are right in this situation. It people haven't worked they really do not appreciate money. You can't keep allowing her to take from you, even with it being Christmas and the season of giving it seems your giving is all year round!
Tell her to google these modelling shoots, they are a complete scam 99% of the time and even if it's legit then the fees for pictures are extortionate! A friend of mine paid £650 for pictures. We all thought she was crazy but turned out she was hassled and hassled and promised they would create a portfolio the agencies would love and that they would also submit her pics to agencies etc... She felt pressured and forked out the cash. She got 7 prints on cheap photo paper and 12 images on a disk, 5 files were corrupt and never opened anyway! Not worth it!
Remind her that love isn't shown by money. Explain to her you do not want her being tricked or exploited as you will blame yourself because it will be your money she is using to do this. Let her know you would support her if she found a job a saved up herself for these things but you can't fund it.
It'll give you a chance to see if you mean more to her than your money. If she loves you she'll get over this, if she keeps sulking to get her I would be thinking she loves what you provide for her, not necessarily you.
Hope it all works out and she comes round! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): The modelling thing is a scam. They take the money, ply girls with drink then do a hard sell on them to buy extra pictures. The total cost can run into hundreds. That happened to someone i know. This girl certainly wont see your £50 again. What is with her anyway? She should be looking for a job. You are right to say no. If you keep saying yes to her, you will be making a rod for your own back. You need more self confidence. Are you frightened she will leave you if you say no more often? Seriously, you cant keep giving money to someone just so they will be happy and go out with you. The end result is that you wont be happy and you will miss the perfect girl for you because you will be too busy trying to keep a user happy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I did say to her that it didn't sound right but apparantly and i quote 'nothing ever does to you' so i just hung up couldn't be bothered. I am not giving in though and no she looks for work but only about twice a month which i don't think is enough
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 December 2011):
 No you are 100% right not to give her this money. Modelling agencies who are genuine dont charge for images (google this, you will see it is a common scam that photographers use on immature naieve girls) therefore you definitely wouldnt get that money back.
Plus, more importantly - you are not a bank, you are not here to provide for her. She needs to get off her lazy backside and get a job rather than using you for money.
I'm pretty sure you have posted on here before about the same thing - girlfriend who uses you for money and the mum that doesnt work either. If I'm wrong then sorry, there is someone with a very similar life to you who is also British and the same age! And I told you (or him) back then that you need to leave this girl, it is clear she is using you for money, she has been brought up badly and because her mum has never worked chances are your girlfriend never will get a job either.
So for the rest of your life you will be stuck with a sponger for a wife/girlfriend, you will be skint paying for her and you will always resent her because she takes up all your money and never gives anything back.
Leave her, she is not going to change, so best to move on and find a woman who isnt lazy and can support herself.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (20 December 2011):
OP you are correct. She has no right to expect to be able to borrow money from you. Is she actively looking for work?
Incidentally, any legitimate modelling agency would never ask for money upfront, even if they say they will pay it back afterwards.
You're not being selfish at all. Don't let her bad mood soften your resolve. You are definitely in the right.
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