A
male
age
51-59,
*marko
writes:Last night my girlfriend told me she isn't happy. She said she knows why but didn't want to talk about it. She also said she has doubts about our relationship. She wants a break to figure things out. We've been together for almost a year and half. We did break up for a couple months but have been back together for 3 months. When we got back together, we discussed the break up and what lead to it. We promised to work on our communication issues and be more open with each other. Three weeks ago she hacked into my facebook account and read emails from the time when we weren't together. In the emails were some things I said about her that weren't very nice. She felt devastated and wanted to end our relationship again. I told her she had no right to hack into my facebook account and she has to let the past go because we weren't together at the time. I was honest with her as to why I felt those things. Since then she hasn't wanted any affection and our sex life has been non-existent. I know she is stressed with her kids, work, and bills. She's taken out her stress on me at times. I've remained calm and diffused the situations by leaving. I've assisted her financially in the past and most recently last month. Again last night she brought up those emails and said she doesn't know whether she can get past them. I told her I love her and want it to work out. I told her I made mistakes just like everyone else and she needs to let it go. I reminded her that I've always been there for her and tried my best to make life easier on her. I grabbed some of my things and while trying to leave wanted to give her a hug one last time. She said no. This morning I realized she still had a key to my place. I stopped by to grab it and she wasn't there. She never leaves the house that early on a weekend. I suspect she stayed with another man but she denies it. I don't know what to do anymore. She says she loves me and cares about me yet she is afraid the problems we had in the past will resurface. Plus she can't seem to get past those emails. How do I convince her our relationship is worth saving? Or is this a lost cause? I feel hurt and used since she had no problem taking my assistance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): Shawncaff said it. You don't mention what you said about her in your messages. If you said very personal, spiteful things about her, maybe her body or sex. That could be very damaging and might explain why she finds intimacy difficult with you now. Also, you don't mention what caused the first break up. So she may have had particular reasons for spying on you. I can't say much on that front, because i checked my partners phone once when he was behaving strangely. What a shock that was. Two years into our relationship and he was telling his ex he was still in love with her! Some things are very hard to get over and you need to work with your partner IF you genuinely want to repair things.
What ever was said or done between you. Leaving when the subject crops up wont help. Its not right to just tell her she needs to get over things and move on...then take yourself off home. That won't solve anything. It will totally convince her that you don't really care about her.
And you are not allowing her to 'work on communicating with you and be more open' when you tell her to get over it and leave as she tries to talk to you. Hello?! That is you, not allowing communication and making everything worse. She wants to sort things out. She wants to hear the things she needs in order to move on with you. Trust me if she didn't want you around, you would be history. She has been trying to fix things with you but you have not been allowing it. You have to be prepared to sit it out and listen to her. Not leave her in mid flow. I know men don't generally like confrontation but you have to bite the bullet and get it done if you seriously want her to move on with you.
It sounds as if she is starting to drift away from you now. So you need to decide quite quickly if she is what you really want or not. If she is then you need to be there for her and seriously start working on the issues you both have. If she is not what you want. Then it would be better to leave her alone now and let her get to work on really moving on.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 July 2011):
 It sounds like the reason this relationship is falling apart is because there's trust issues on both parts. She hacked into your account and you're accusing her of staying with another man. If the trust ceases to exist then the relationship will struggle until it finally ends.
Were these emails to another woman?
There's nothing you can do, but honor her request for space. Give her time, then let her contact you with her final thoughts.
In the mean time if I were you, I would not give her anymore financial assistance and get your key back asap. If she hacked into your FB who's to stay she won't go rifling through your possessions when you're not home?
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (10 July 2011):
 You do not write here what you said in those emails, but if they were sent after you had broken up, then she understand that you were hurt, angry and bitter, and that they are not reflective of how you feel now that you are back with her. (This is assuming that the emails did not contain some really nasty things that could be hurtful in general, such as, for example, "she is bad in bed" or "she is really deep down a b--tch and I am glad to be rid if her" or something like that.)
It sounds to me like she is unable to be reasoned with right now. There is nothing you can do if you have apologized and tried to make things right with her and she still shuts you down. So you might as well give her space and a few weeks to decide what she wants. Good luck.
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