A
male
age
51-59,
*ack234
writes:My boyfriend wants me to quit my job to stay at home. I don't want to quit my job so please any advice?I'm a 20 year old man and I've been with a 33 year old man for almost 3 years now. I've known him for about 5 years though. He's a really nice man and I have always felt like he's my rock and my confidant, because he's always been there for me if I ever needed anything. He's the most loving and caring man ever. He's older than me and knows much more about life and things. He seems very "old fashioned" as we argue many times about me having a job, etc. He's the much more masculine one in the relationship. He's been wanting me to quit my job, which is a really good paying nice job that I just love, but it's been causing issues because I don't want to leave it. He just says that I don't need to work and he should be making our money. I really don't mind this whole situation, because he makes plenty of money for a family, but it just makes me feel lazy! I obviously can't have kids, though we've discussed adoption and things. But, I just don't like arguing with him about it, and I feel like I'm "damaging his pride". He's the most amazing man in the world and I would give everything up for him. He makes me feel invisible, like I can do anything with him. He always wants to buy me nice things, etc. but I also feel like I should be contributing to the income of our lives, not just staying at home, cooking, cleaning, etc. Please give me any advice that you can! I really appreciate it!
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reader, ukmatt  +, writes (13 April 2007):
 Hi Jack234,
Firstly, Can I just say that I think it's wonderful that you feel the way you do around your partner, and that he offers you so much pleasure. The feelings that you are both feeling are entirely normal, and appear in the majority of relationships at some point or another. On your partner's side, there is the want to make you as happy as he can, and feels that relieving you of the task of working (something that most people find a chore) would be advantageous to you. Indeed you admit that he is the more 'masculine' in your relationship, but this by no means has to equate to the dominant alpha male.
It's interesting to note that you concede that he is quite traditional in his views, and that you have had several disputes about this in the past. Have you mentioned to him before that you want to keep working? I clearly see in this scenario traits of the "I want to provide for the family", but this must not be construed as anything negative. He is just letting you know that he loves you enough to relieve you of having to work. It's worth also noting that if as a child, he had very little, the probability is that he measures typically emotional attributes in an almost capilatlist materialistic way. Don't get all mad, I'm not calling your partner a Marxist or anything, but subconciously, he may be charting success (both professional success and success within a relationship) in materialistic and financial terms, and feels as though he needs to be the sole provider for a family.
I think you should approach this situation in a subtle way. You naturally don't want to hurt his feelings, seeing as you feel as strongly as you do for him, but just make him aware to how you feel. It is also probable that he has his own insecurities vis-a-vis the relationship, and is scared of loosing or potentially loosing you, and hence his need to, in a way, make you entirely dependent on him. (Obviously don't tell him this). I feel that you need to teach your partner the rules to a successful contemporary relationship - one that can easily support a dual income, and one that means that the two you can be independent and professional and that it causes no detrmiental effects to it.
Never loose sight of what makes you happy. You clearly have two loves in your life: your partner and your profession, and the one shouldn't be compromised by the other. Explain to him how happy both he and your work make him, and that how together, they enhance the person that you are. You need to come from the angle that your partner makes you happy just as your job does and make him appreciate that he can work alongside your job (metaphorically of course), to continue making you as happy as you have been for the last few years.
If he is as comitted and as happy with you as you say, then he will never force your hand in any way that will make you unhappy. Have faith, you can do it!
All the best, Matt
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): It is a little stange that he feels so strongly that he has to support you. Can he not handle the idea of seeing the two of you as both being equal? Sounds like he feels he has to be the one bringing in the money and supporting you both.
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A
male
reader, Jack234 +, writes (13 April 2007):
Jack234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate your time. I'm going to have a talk with him tomorrow evening and let you know how it goes. It's like he flips it around though, (not in a mean way), but he thinks that I don't have confidence in him that he can support our family. I think they struggled alot when he was younger and hated seeing his mother work, so it's like he feels like we're struggling. To be blunt, he's a Doctor at the county hospital and I'm an assistant dietitian at another hospital.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (12 April 2007):
 you should do what you thinks best,and this man is being selfish. you should tell him that you love your job and he should be happy with it, period. no arguing because then he`d be wanting to take something you love away from you. i agree with the lazy part, i hate being home and not doing anyhting, work is an important part in most people lives, its what makes most peoples lives so dont throw it away just coz someone wants you to. your partner doesnt sound very supporting, and is there a problem of you both making money, because then that would mean you would both be raking it any and go on holidays, get a big house thats suitable to adopt a child in etc. you need to sit down and have a (non shouting) talk with him and explain how you feel about his wishes and that you just cant give your job up becuse its important to you.
hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, beanie0216 +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Tell him how you feel. Tel him you want to work and bring some income into the house. Tell him you truthfully don't want to be sitting at home doing laundry and cleaning. Tell him what an amazing and sdtrong man you think he is, but you want to have a little credit too. Another thing, don't give everything up for someone, because you never know what's going to happen, and then you have nothing. Just a little word of advise. :o)
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