A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiSo I met a friend with benefits last summer, we both agreed we wanted nothing serious and were free to meet other people if we wanted to. We both really didn't want anything serious so this worked fine for us.As some time passed, i felt they were growing a bit attached, so i expressed my concern and they said don't worry its fine. Eventually they told me that they wouldnt' see other people, but I could if i wanted to.Fast forward a few months and we were spending a lot of time together, having dinner often, sometimes staying the night etc. They were also chatting to 6 other people and slept with 2 of them.Over christmas they spent 1 week with someone else in another city and upon returning realised they didn't want to do this anymore, and want to be serious with just 1 person.That 1 person is me. They asked me if i would consider a relationship. I know its a bit of a cliche, to say its not them its me, but in this case it really is. I just didn't want anything were people could get hurt as i got out of a fairly bad relationship the year before after my ex cheated on me, and then we broke up attempted to commit suicide. After this i developed feelings for someone else who didn't reciprocate and the whole experience really messed me up and my grades suffered a lot. So now i just want to focus on graduating without worrying about anything like that.They are from another country and will leave in september, so that is an issue, but now they want to find a job here to stay with me and asked me again would that change things. i said no.I just feel really guilty like i've done something horrible but i feel i've been honest from the start.Have i acted wrongly?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 January 2020):
 OP - your gender is male, and you perceived that we'd answer from a double-standard and you wouldn't get good advice? You believe that by being deceptive to us, our advice was more sympathetic?
First of all, we operate on trust here! It's insane to think that your advice or "diagnosis" would be more accurate if the details have been falsified. Would you do that going to the doctor, or would you be honest with symptoms in order to get a good diagnosis and a proper treatment course??
In your case, this isn't a "double standard" issue. It's pretty universal no matter what gender you or your FWB is. In your case, if you are a male, you're mostly in the minority on here of people who develop feelings for their FWB. Your advice would have been more accurate because genders interact and react differently with each other. However, in most cases, the principle is the same. In your case, had I known you were a male and your FWB were female, my advice would have been exactly the same.
We're not anti-male here. Your problems in life stem from how uncomfortable you are in your own skin, and your fear of intimacy. If you can't be real with a bunch of anonymous agony aunts to not assume we're going to judge you on your gender alone, how are you going to negotiate something as complex as an honest relationship itself??
Try again. Give us some more HONEST and accurate details OP. Have some faith in humanity. We might just surprise you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): Original poster here.
I simply used *they* because i am confident if i said I was a man, and the fwb was a woman, the responses would be different. I decided to say i was a woman and not reveal the gender of the other. Also you can use they to refer to one person when the gender is unknown. for example, someone knocks on your door and walks away. You would say they just left.
Sure enough, the answers are sympathic towards me, saying it is not my fault.
I read an answer on here a few years ago where it was a man and a woman had fallen in love from the FWB situation, and sure enough, the answers were saying the guy must have known she was getting feelings and misled her etc.
If you want people to stop using they, then treat men and women the same
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 January 2020):
 If you've been totally honest with this person from the start, then it is not your fault they have chosen not to believe you. (Had a similar situation myself years ago.) Be kind but be firm. You may need to cut all contact in the end (as I did).
Just to add, I don't give a stuff if they are male, female or anything else. Hiding their gender by refusing to say "him" or "her" is just childish. We are not here to judge your choice of partner gender, nor are we interested unless it is something relevant to the question you are asking. Writing in this ridiculous manner detracts from the real issues in your post and makes for heavy reading.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2020):
 @YouWish : yeah for the life of me I can't get this pronoun thing.. Non just in this post , in others too.
I mean, the poster meets " a " person, in this case " a " friend with benefits... so just one . " A " = one person.
Then , from the second line on ,this person becomes " they " - they said this, they did that etc. - but how many FWBs are we talking about ? two, three, five hundred ? Wasn't just one person at the beginning -then what happened ? Did they split in half and reproduce ,like amoebas ?
Now, clearly the poster does not want to use the pronoun
" he " , I guess because we are not talking about a " he " .
Ok, fine, then use " she " already !
And I don't care, and it does not matter, if the person is transitioning from one gender to another, or does not identify with the gender he / she was born with , or any other such complication.
All I am saying, is : pick one gender , and stick to it. . For practical and grammatical purposes , at least !
If the person is not a " he "- then just call her a " she ". Even if it weren't , technically or psychologically, 100 % exact... it will still be way more exact than miraculously duplicating a single human body and making it become " they " !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2020):
To the other aunts:
Friendly reminder to watch the pronouns. The OP is referring to her FWB with the "They" pronoun.
To the OP:
You did the right thing to a point. Your FWB has developed feelings for you and has requested a relationship. You should end the situation with them now since you don't feel the same way, and you're now going to consciously hurt them.
You have been honest, however by staying with them now, you will cross that line you know is there and is already making you feel like a horrible person.
Cut them loose gently and friend-zone them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2020): OP, I agree with Honey Pie on all counts. It is just too convenient, that your fwb is falling for you, just as he wants to remain in your country, to work, and needs a visa! The fwb crossed the line, asking for a relationship with you, as that violates a casual fwb agreement! Simplify your life OP, and let this guy go, because this dude is going to bring drama, into your life! Do devote your efforts into your studies, to graduate sucessfully! Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2020):
 Nope, you didn't do anything wrong, neither did he (up to a point).
FWB are not really "meant" to last, it's a time waster, basically. It's to HAVE someone without having to commit emotionally or personally, mostly just physically.
The "normal" outcome is often that ONE party develop feelings and the other don't. Which ends the FWB.
Or one party FINDS someone they actually want to be with and ends the FWB.
It seems like he has a bit of an ulterior motive by dating you, since he hopes to stay in the country and YOU can help him stay.
Which means it probably would be a bad idea to get together seriously, if you are not totally into him and he into you. I don't think he is as into you as he make it seems. I think he is into a VISA and the opportunity to stay more than you. And that is not a great reason to be with someone.
Wish him well, block all contact. Time to move on.
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