A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here's my situation. I've been in a relationship with my bf for 2 1/2 years. We have been friends for almost 10. I thought we could make it work but we both have issues and we've come to a point where I broke up with him because we weren't making progress, and we have the same complaints towards each other. Without delving too much into all the facets of why we're doomed; he's still living with me in my house, now on the couch. My friends want him gone, but he's still my friend, I want to help him, and I do need some money to help cover costs. I seriously think he has Bi-polar, and I'm not saying that to say it; I'm saying it because I and others, believe he has issues dealing with disappointment and expectations. He's supposed to see a mental health professional, but at his speed it's anyones guess when this will happen. I miss him, and since breaking up, I don't have as much hate in my heart and I do miss him, but I know we need space to establish boundaries again. We also have a vacation we're about to go on w/ friends, in 2 weeks. I want to know if I'm crazy for trying to still accomodate him, even though being w/ him has caused my anxiety and depression to get worse. Meds, therapy, and hypnosis has helped me regain sanity, and I think cutting him off has really helped, but I still want us to be friends, I want him to know I care, but I want him to take responsibility for his shortcomings and work with someone. Should I really cast him out or try to work with him, although that hasn't worked to well for me previously. Insight greatly appreciated, I feel too conflicted and torn to make a sound decision.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2015):
 I think Auntie Bim Bim gave you the "right" answer.
The longer you let him stay, the LONGER you are holding him and yourself back. HIM from getting help, finding his own two feet and YOU from moving on, getting your health back, and from finding a DEPENDABLE room mate and later on, a good partner.
You can still be a friend, and support him outside of your home.
And from reading your post it's OBVIOUS that you care about him, but you NEED to put yourself first. You having to get be on meds, get therapy, and try hypnosis - JUST so you can live with him - THAT is not good nor healthy.
I'd give him 30 days AFTER you get back from vacation, since it's already booked and paid for.
Then start looking for a room mate, or a smaller place that you can afford on your own. HIM staying with you "to help with costs" in not viable or smart solotion for either of you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 No you are not crazy. Being friends with him so long, it's hard to cut him off like he's a pest. I assume your friends are also your roommates. They didn't form this deep bond with him so they would not have empathy or compassion that you do.
With a person with mental illness you would always have to remind yourself that, and can't hold him with the same standards you would for a normal person. If you expect your relationship to progress, forget it. His goal now would not be to make you happy, but to get through day to day life without anxiety and panicking. It's a slow step by step thing. Some days he would be happy and others he would go down the spiral again. If he could be pleasant to you for one day, then it's a great achievement already.
If this is your first time dealing with mental illness, it would be scary for you. Your mental health is your priority. I am all for supporting people but I would get him to live with his parents just because your friends should not have to deal with this. You can still be friends with him and be supportive. If he has a problem with that and gets angry because he has to move out, then there is nothing you can do. He's forcing you to cast him off.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 As long as this man feels it is okay to live on your couch, and being, I expect, financially supported to a degree by you, he will not improve. He will have no impetus or reason to make the necessary changes to improve his lot in life.
As long as you are willing to leave things as they are, or to continue to accommodate him by supporting him and helping him you will not have the opportunity to grow and develop as an individual into the best human being you can be.
You are holding each other back. Co dependency is a term that comes to mind.
You need to get him out of your living space. If he wont move voluntarily move him involuntarily. Let him know what you are planning. Tell him he has 30 days to move out. If you are in contact with his family let them know what is going on. When the 30 days are up, and he is still there, change the locks, pack up his stuff into garbage bags and put them outside the door and don't let him back in, not even to use the bathroom.
Maybe he is bi polar, but it is up to him to find and sort that out, maybe he is just a lazy arse too used to not having to do anything because somebody else has always done it for him, either way you need to look after YOU.
I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Also, i wanted to add.
You have been friends for 10 years, so there must be something special between you both, for your friendship to have survived for so long. Not many people have friendships that have lasted for 10 yrs, so you need to decide whether or not you truly wish to throw this long-term friendship away, or is it simply your intimate, personal relationship, that you no longer wish to engage in.
You need to ask yourself these questions also.
Finally, you're an adult, so don't be swayed by other peoples opinions, influences & demands.
Again, all the best! :-)
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (18 July 2015):
Hi,
from all you've stated within your msg, it sounds as though you would truly benefit from your own 'time out'.
You really need to find yourself, get in touch with your self again, as your bf appears to be somebody that places great stress on you, hence your feelings of confusion about what to do.
It makes sense that you miss his physical presence when he's away, however, do think about what's actually going on, whilst he is in your presence & you must ask yourself this important question.
Do i feel much better when he's around?
Do i really need, all this added stress & pressure in my life?
Ask yourself also, how do i truly feel when he's not around, especially long term?
Once you have answered, with 100% honesty, those few questions, only then will you truly know what final decision to take & when you do make that final decision, don't look back, go back to the past, full of ups & downs. Find your closure, hold your head up high & move forward, look forward to the future.
This is only, if you do want him out of your life.
As far as you & he remaining as friends, many people do & it can work, but what you define as 'friends', will be solely up to you & he.
You must also ask yourself,
will platonic friendship work for us?
I am very good friends with me ex, however, i make it a 'choice' & a 'choice' that i stick to, not to actually get together with him physically too often & if/when we do, it's usually only a few times per year & i never stay more than a few hours, so as not to give him false hope, as i am aware that he still hasd feelings for me, but i have no romantic intent toward him, so for me, it's very easy to be around him during those very short moments.
I only do it, because i still care about him as a friend, as when we were together, he was very good, very kind & very loyal to me, but similarly to your bf, i was forced to break up with him, because @ times, he placed me under severe stress, due to his constant worrying about nothing, his lack of regular employment etc;, but asa person he was wonderful & i hold no grudges toward him, no hard feelings there for me.
Anyway, i can & i do relate to you & your situation, however, your story is your story, it's unique & you are not me, vica versa, so you must make your own decision/judgement based on what you are going through.
I won't tell you exactly what to do, however, i will give you a friendly tip.
If you're feeling unhappy @ times when you're with him, if you're feeling stressed often, then you need to seriously think about your future with this guy, as i can promise you, things will not get any easier, any better in the near future.
You should really think about taking time out for yourself & not allowing him into your personal space during this time & see how you feel after a few weeks, 1 mth, or even longer.
If you are starting to feel much better, then you know you are much better off without him in your life, but if you find yourself missing him more than you thought you would, if you find yourself getting teary everyday, missing him deeply & yearning for him, making you realise that you do want him in your life, then by all means, re-connect with him, although beware, that after some time, all the problems that make you want to go your own way, WILL re-surface.
They won't be swept under the rug & be magically erased.
Also, on a more serious note, you must not assume that he has Bi-Polar disorder. This is a very serious accusation.
He would need to be tested professionally to see if this is factually correct.
He may display the bi-polar traits, behaviours, but it still needs to be medically proven.
As a nurse, i know what i am talking about here.
He may have another type of disorder, that you are not aware of, or he may simply be who he is.
Some people do have very complex & very unmanagable personalities, that actually push others away from them, place others under undue stress.
It may have something to do with his upbringing, his place in society, lots of different things, but until you & he know what the real issue behind all the issues are, nothing can be done to rectify, or improve the situation.
Depending upon how close you both are, you could accompany him to see his Dr, just as support & this doesn't mean that you're obligated to remain with him either way, but as you've been dating for a long while now, it may be advantageous for him to know what is actually causing him to behave a certain way & do remember that we all have our vices, nobody is perfect.
It would help him with any future relationships that he may get involved in to.
You sound like a really nice person & btw, do not listen to the banter of others, because quite frankly, what they say is their opinion, their personal issue, you do not have to agree with anybody but yourself & just because they all say that you should leave him, doesn't imply that you must. You do what you want & you do it when you feel you must, when it's completely necessary for you.
Being pressured in different areas of your life & by different people, only adds to more stress & confusion.
I know your friends mean well, bec they care about you, but ultimately, the final decision must be yours & yours alone.
Also, if your bf is actually sleeping on the couch, things must be pretty rough between the two of you.
I guess you must also decide what to tell him & more importantly how to tell him that you want him to move out & not that he is your responsibility, but as you've been together for a long time & i am assuming here, that you are empathetic, you have humane compassion, so you wouldn't want him out in the streets, so do you know where he will stay, live?
Before you ask him to leave for good, ask him whether he has somewhere to live, because no matter how much you want somebody out of your life, it's important to do it as gracefully as possible & in a dignified manner, which simply means, you just want to make sure he'll be ok too. :-)
It's not as though he bashed you up, he abused you regularly, he was violent, etc; & i know he wasn't/isn't because if he were, you'd have surely stated this within your msg.
Also, i would strongly advise you, not to take him on your upcoming holiday, as a holiday is primarily about destressing, detoxing yourself & whilst he may benefit from a break too, if you take him, you risk taking added baggage, stress & pressure with you, as he may start up whilst you're all trying to relax, chill out.
You know what i mean.
Anyway, you have lots of serious thinking to do & do it asap, do not delay. Delaying only adds to the pressure. Once you know which route to take, you'll feel as though you can breathe again.
You know what? It's actually the decision making that is the most stressful thing, but once we have made a decision & we stick to that decision, we begin to feel mush less stressed, much less worried about things, overall, much better about our lives & ourselves.
Also, finally & most importantly, you have required meds, therapy, etc; just to manage, because of being with him, so if it is really this serious for you, for your overall health & above all, for your sanity, your final decision should be relatively easy to make, although i feel you're still very conflicted in your decision making power/ability.
Don't be, make your decision & when you make it, do it alone, somewhere far away from him & everybody else, so that you can think very clearly, without any external influences.
Always place yourself above all else, because as the old saying goes, if you're not in good health, first & foremost, how can you be of any use, of any service to others?
You are not selfish for placing yourself first & foremost either, because you know what?
If you don't place yorself first, i can assure you that nobody else will & when you have, God forbid, a nervous breakdown, you are the one who is going to suffer long term, you alone, will have to deal with it & you will be the one going through hell.
Think about this.
All the best & let us know how you get on.
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