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My friend's online dating guy is a cheating rat! How do I tell her this?

Tagged as: Cheating, Friends, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 February 2006) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hi all,

I really need some advice about this. I joined an online dating site about a month ago. I joined this particular site because a couple of friends of mine have had some successes. One of these friends, met a guy last summer and has been dating him every since. She really likes him from how she talks about him. So when i started browsing the site myself i was really suprised when i saw his photo and an 'active' account. Wasn't 100 percent sure it was him (no names on this site of course) so i contacted him. It is him and he wrote back telling me he would like to know more about me. A couple more emails later he is telling me he is single and hasn't had any relationships develop from using the site. What a rat. But now i don't know what to do. My friend obviously deserves to know that he isn't the wonderful guy she thought he was - but how? do i tell him i know his girlfriend and give him chance to explain or do i break it to her very gently. She does know i joined the site and she asked me today if i have any dates lined up yet. Help !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2006):

my husband did this and one of my friends found him... she came to me with the pics off of the site.. he claimed to be divorced 1st time he had been on one of these sites.. after we broke into his lape top it came to light that he was contacting a lot of women .... at this point i printed of all of the details changed his pass word and contacted all the people to let them know what a slime ball he was.. one came back a me that i was just a vindictive nasty bitch trying to ruin his life and they were in love.. he had been giving this lady some sort of line and a am apparently the wicked wiich of the north.. we did split up , but got back together because he was so sorry and loved me so much if i did not take in back he would do away with himself... hay and guess what he is at it again just four months on.. and i am hurt all over again.. i would tell your friend she a least needs some one in her life to be honest with her... many men keep doing this its the thrill of the chase or may be its just they are such uninteresting people they have to live in a life of lies..

do tell your friend im glad mine did ..

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A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (6 February 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntEasy answer...show her the proof and let her deal with it as she sees fit. If she wants you to continue to see how far he'll go...help her. Just be sure to understand that you did not join the site to snoop on him. It was an accident and you were just looking out for her. If she does not thank you for the info....she's nuts.

And if they have not discussed being exclusive...then who cares. He can date 20 girls and talk to 500 on line. But, this way they are playing by the same rules and she can make whatever decision she feels is right.

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A female reader, fairyangel South Africa +, writes (5 February 2006):

fairyangel agony auntYes, I also say tell your friend... she needs to at least know!

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A female reader, StarNews +, writes (3 February 2006):

StarNews agony auntWhether they are seeing each other exclusively or not, your friend has a right to know what he's up to. It is best she finds out now, before she develops stronger feelings for this guy.

I usually advise against this, because it puts you in the middle, and is something that is hard to prove, but not in the case. Keep in mind that if you decide to tell your friend, she may decide to stay with him, and that will put tension on your friendship and possibly end it. You are being a good protective friend by telling her, and she will be the one losing a good friend.

One thing that is good, you have incriminating evidence, so he cant deny the obvious once he is confronted. Be sure to collect your evidence...pictures, emails, copy his profile in the dating sight..anything you can think of.

It would be a big mistake to tell him what you know, because the first thing he will do, is delete his profile and think of excuses. He needs to be caught red handed.

Even if you decide not to tell her, she will find out in time, the truth always has a way of surfacing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

Before you jump the gun here...firstly, let's define 'dating'. Dating is conditional, by definition. It is about dating and rejecting a lot of different people until you find one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. Dating someone is when you spend time getting to know each other, without the sexual entanglement. Sex drives the heart for most females and it speaks a permanent, exclusive language all on it's own. Sadly, for some guys, it doesn't. We are not made to share our sexual partners. You don't say if she's had sex with this guy? I'm hoping she hasn't, yet.

Understand, there is nothing socially unacceptable about dating several different people at once. As long as one isn't using the dating process to find "easy sex". If that's the case, they are "using others" and that's wrong. But I do not think that dating demands an exclusive relationship. It's a selection process into finding the one that you are most compatible with. There are people who use dating sites to feel out prospective love interests and do not feel that dating demands an exclusivity. Has your gf and this guy clearly discussed and agreed not to date others? If he has made an exclusive promise to her then, yes..his behavior is inappropriate. I would sit her down and ask her first? Are you are only hearing 'her' feelings. If she's under the impression that their dating situation is "totally exclusive", then you do need to tell her what you found out. She has the right to know. Then only she decides what has to be done.

She could feel strong feelings for him..when he doesn't feel the same way in return. He could just consider the two of them 'friends'. You won't know until you ask. When it comes to dating, many women and men guys are like this and it's more predominant on dating sites. They are in contact with a real selection of people. They pick and choose and finally settle on the "one" who stands out. Others use the dating site for more ominous, inappropriate reasons. It's a big risk. But over the long run, I do think she needs to know what he's up to. If they are sexually involved, then he could be sleeping with a bevy of women. That means your friend's health is at risk from std's, aids, etc. Added to that, she's running the risk of an 'unplanned pregnancy" with a man who is 'not' committed to her and could likely abandon her if this happened. I wish you luck with this..just keep her feelings in mind when you break the news to her. Take care

Hugs, Irish

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A female reader, sexseahot United States +, writes (2 February 2006):

sexseahot agony auntMaybe you should ask this guy if he knows your friend, to see if he has any response to that. If that don't do anything, then you should definitely tell your friend. She deserves a lot better than some lying jerk. No one deserves treatment like that. Don't let your friend think he's great for that much longer, she needs to find out about this guy soon.

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2006):

willywombat agony auntIf she is a close friend tell her and have proof. She may be angry at first but she will thank you later.

Good luck.x

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