A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:2018 was a difficult year but unfortunately I have realised I have no real friends. What would you do in the situation when you feel like you have no true friends. 2018 has been tough time with family issues, and finances however I feel like because I have been involved in problems, no one has done anything for me. I went through the whole year for the first time not arranging anything, and surprise surprise I feel lonely as ever. When down, it’s difficult to initiate plans, but I would love to be involved in plans of friends, especially times like New Years, birthdays, Xmas, holidays. But no. Nothing. I realised at midnight, I went out for a walk in the darkness and I couldn’t even enjoy music. I stayed in Silence and the silence was peaceful. I couldn’t resist, I sent SMS to few friends, asking how they was, if anyone was perhaps around. No, my friends had gone off out to enjoy themselves. They were So busy enjoying themselves no one bothered to ask why? If I’m coming? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2019): You sound like my wife. I told her she is married, so her friends dont owe her to include her in their plans. If you want to join them, call them up and join them but to think people owe you a good time is not right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): You spent New Year the same as billions of other people doing nothing special.
Unless you feel a compulsion to celebrate then you do nothing and nobody cares because its not a compulsory event.
If you want to change your next new year into an event you start planning now.
Book time off work and take a holiday if thats your thing.
But whatever goes on on New Year it is no reflection on your life.
Its just another day and night and may or may not be one you have earmarked to make a point of enjoying.
Being alone is part of life and is nor meant to be torturous.
You dont want to be in every queue for everything thats going.
You learn to pick and choose wisely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2019): Well, when you are abandoned and left with time on your hands; you use that time for self-improvement. You read, study, take courses; you volunteer your time to help the unfortunate, and you do something to invigorate and refresh the spirit. If you have departed from any spiritual-faith you were brought-up with, or taught; rediscover and reconnect with it.
Those of us who are believers in God (not advocating or proselytizing religion, just making a point here) are taught that people who don't add anything good to your life; will be weeded from it. They simply fall-away like withered leaves.
Sometimes we have a greater-calling. Those we've chosen to be in our lives; aren't there to give us the encouragement or thrust we need to meet that calling. By divine-intervention they are exposed for who they are, and removed. It could be, because they are holding us back. Deterring us from finding someone specially meant for us; or a call of duty. Destiny may be recalculating your course and direction. They may not be along for the ride.
If they loved you, they would have wanted you there to share their celebration. Often, people only want you around; when they "need" you for something, or for favors. They'll use you; or just like you around when you praise them, or appeal to their vanity. To pay the tab. To increase their fan-base. To offer them one-way support. To drop them off, or pick them up. They'll use your knowledge, expertise, or skills to save themselves money. Rarely do they return the favors. Sound familiar?
My friend, I sense and feel your pain. That's why I'm here at DC. I can be pretty deep at times. Please humor me! Let me offer you the benefit of my experience; and hopefully, some comfort.
Sometimes, you/we don't recognize your/our own strengths; and undermine our own self-worth by depending on other people to validate us. In a sense, they are not your friends; they are "emotional-props." People to lean-on to give you the feeling you are liked, or proof you can summon popularity in social situations. They have a function to fulfill; but they are too superficial or shallow to go beneath the surface. To reach you in the emotional-way you need them to. That's why you are hurting. I've been there, and know how that feels. You care for them; it hurts to be left-out.
I had to learn to be my own best-friend during these times in my life. Which will continue to occur throughout a lifetime. I've learned to use my down-time or moments of loneliness to introspect. Which is exactly what you're doing by writing your post. You've discovered the insincerity and lack of depth in the friendships you thought you had. They are familiar acquaintances; but not friends by the true definition and concept of friendship. They have not made you "family." You're loyal, and the "ride or die" type of guy!
That part of your nature is being under-appreciated.
This is where you must learn the difference between a circle of friends, or a clique.
Cliques require you to assimilate and perpetuate a common agenda. Discriminate against those who are different. Friends love you for your quirks, your uniqueness, your similarities, and your differences. They support you, defend you, and celebrate you. They never forget to include you. They tell you the truth. A true friend honors your trust, and goes out of their way to earn and maintain it. You feel free to trust them; and they offer you theirs as a prized-gift. They show-up when you need them. You feel obligated and honored to do the same in return. They makeup after a fight. You both forgive each other.
You have to learn to be creative, independent, and find ways to build your own confidence; and boost your own self-esteem. Pursue and build your own happiness. Not wait for others to dole it out to you. Not sink into your self-pity.
God loves you when nobody else does. If you don't believe that, it's okay. He still does! Maybe someday you will!
People can be selfish, dependent, or parasitic. You have to develop better judgement and discernment; to recognize the true-nature of the people you call your friend.
Emotionally/psychologically, you also have to know that much of what you're demanding from others is actually home-grown; or self-manufactured from within yourself. How you build character. I made a reference to God earlier; because my faith pulled me through some very dark times. My spirit and soul are mine and mine alone. They govern who I am. No one, but God, has any access to that depth of me. So I pray, and I've found many answers; and have reached many lofty goals, unexpectedly. I discovered my own potential; and how to bless others through my own blessings. I had to work on me, before knowing what I needed from others. Leave out the references to God, if you wish; but the advice remains the same. He's in it, like it or not!
Yes, we all need love and friends. We have to know why and how to need or want them; in order to properly accept them. When love and friendship is received, how to reciprocate. How to survive alone and independently. And then, we must know when to let them go! When the time comes to strip them of that honor. When they fall too short; and when they no longer prove their loyalty and honesty. When we only feel needed when they want favors, or money.
You spent that whole night feeling sorry for yourself. Did you think to ask them what's up, and briefly show-up wherever they were? Did you check on your family, just to share some time? You waited for their invitation; which was begging for their validation. It wouldn't be crashing the party; if they really considered you a friend, as you believe. So remove the title friend; and consider them your best associates. Friendly people you know. Friends earn and maintain the honor of that title. I'm speaking from wisdom and experience. You get to choose your friends, find more, or replace those you must let go.
You have a New Year. You've learned something about people. Don't let it make you dark, or skeptical. Don't become embittered, depressed, or cynical. You just haven't tapped into your own inner-resources. You don't really know YOU! This is a good time to find-out! Rediscover yourself, and set some new goals for the oncoming year. Not resolutions, goals! Self-empowerment! Try to be helpful to others; without needing their validation, approval, or a pat on the back. Giving replaces that feeling of abandonment with love and purpose.
Happy New Year, and God's blessing and comfort to you my young friend!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 January 2019):
 There is a saying which is, very sadly, too often true: laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
People, especially young people, are too often so busy living their own lives that they forget about others who may be going through hard times or who find it hard to be as out-going and extrovert as others.
Problems or not, you are the one responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is obligated to consider your happiness, although good friends will usually think of you and try to include you in plans. Have you, perhaps, turned down invitations on a number of occasions so your friends have stopped inviting you out?
It's a new year. Resolve to make a fresh start. Perhaps contact a couple of friends you are closest to and arrange to go out for a drink. Let them know you have been through hard times and would appreciate a bit of moral support. If you do not have a couple of friends you feel close enough to do this with, perhaps it is time to look for and make new friends.
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