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My friend wont stop pestering me

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Since mid December i decided to cut back on social media ( im not on it much ) i let my friends know i was having a break from it so they knew they wasnt being ignored. I really enjoyed having a break from it ive felt free and relaxed so this January i decided to tell them im not going to use my mobile phone either theyre all fine and if they need to get hold of me they know where i live as we all live in the same town 10 mins walk away . One friend in particular does not work ( shes very capable ) and claims sick benefit . I have known her over 20 years . All the rest of us have full time jobs and she knows this. One friend has just gone back to work after maternity so she no longer has free time. Anyway this friend who isnt working keeps messaging me random crap such as hello or that she has washed her net curtains or that shes painted her nails . it doesnt sound much but its daily , she knows im having a break from social media and my mobile but still wants to ' harass ' me . I told her twice i was having a break but she still has to have her fix of contacting me. Ive told her many times she should get a job or do voluntary work even if its just 1 day a week but she says no shes fine as she is ,i explained it could be going to an elderly persons home for an hour just to give some company to a lonely person , ( she used to be a care worker ). One of our other friends even said to her she was fed up of always seeing on facebook that she was painting her nails , having a drink ( any kind ) chilling watching films , doing housework and should get a job. I personally think she feels lonely as the rest of us have jobs and familys ( she said she doesnt want ) but it feels like ill never have a proper break from her. When i got with my boyfriend she tried to put me off him by saying he was probably messing me about ( just because id not arranged to see him that week ) and that i should have a girls night out instead of seeing him things like that . to that i think she jealous . Its probably not possible but how do i get her to understand that when someone says they want a break it means dont contact them and also that for her sake she should do something with her life like voluntary work . i know i cant make her do something but i cant think of what i can do , thanks

View related questions: a break, facebook, jealous

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony aunt....and you still want her to be your friend?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2018):

im the op. i do still want her as a friend just not in my face like she is . problem now shes dressing like me , she texted my phone and sent a picture of her new clothes and a list of info she decided to supply shes bought the same jeans top and jacket . i know she can buy what she wants and wear what she wants but its getting creepy now that shes buying exact same things

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (12 January 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony aunt

I understand what you're trying to say. It's hard to ignore her before she's in your face literally all the time, gives you no breathing space and has no concept of boundaries.

The best that you can do without being downright rude is to just ignore her texts. Don't respond to them. Turn off the blue tick thing for WhatsApp so she wouldn't know when you've been online. If she calls you repeatedly, answer after a few times and tell her politely but firmly that you're busy and remind her that taking time off social media and mobile phones means that you're doing just that.

I think you're one of the few people who are good to her and tolerate her eccentricities so that's why she's latched on to you. She's bored and is one of those people who needs others around her and constantly needs someone to talk to. I don't think you can ever fully get rid of her but you can limit your interactions with her by not responding as much as you do now.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you don't want her in your life then block her mobile number, block her on social media and then you won't have the problem off your phone beeping every hour.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

I have a friend who used to tell me she went to the toilet - I'm the anonymous poster and who texts loads - I just used to say that all you say is: 'That's too much info.' She will soon get the hint -- she likes texting you and that isn't a (crime)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

im the op . i havent posted about this problem before. She is my friend but until you have someone spouting daily things in your face you wont know how i feel when i need a break, its not just me who has said it, i cant have my phone on fully silent as i have children at school so obviously i cant ignore them as it could be an emergency so when my phone does beep ill think its school . My phone alerts me when i get anything from social media or texts them off so i have to leave it how it is. Ok ill put it another way she stalks me to death ! she would put things all over facebook then also private message me the exact same thing its dragging me down she already knows this, i live in the real world and have other things going on in my life i dont have time to keep replying to her its everything everyday every hour shes even told me when shes been to the toilet theres no need for it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

If you're not using social media or your phone then you won't see the messages. She can only 'harass'you if you let her. Ignore the next inane message. Problem solved.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou can't control what others do, which is probably just as well as SHE would be trying to control YOUR reactions to HER.

I am puzzled that you say, on the one hand, that you are having a break from your mobile (which is fine & your decision to make) but, on the other hand, you know every time she sends you a text. It you are having a break, have a break. Switch off your mobile or silence it. If that's not possible, just ignore any texts that come up from your friend. If you don't bother replying, she should, at some point, stop texting you. YOU are allowing her texts to bother you.

As for what she posts on Facebook, just stop reading it! It is her choice if she wants to post every cough and fart on social media, just like it is your choice not to read it. I have friends who seem to do this too and I simply roll my eyes and scroll past the posts. You have to remember, what is nonsense to you may be important to someone else.

Bottom line: live and let live. It is not up to you to control your friend's actions. All you can control are your REACTIONS. That is where your strength lies. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers, in whatever way she chooses.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

You can't see a text unless you open it. You can put the phone on vibrate, or turn it off. I don't really see what the big problem is.

As for suggesting she get a job and how capable she is; you apparently don't know the full extent of her disability. I think you are all insensitive touchy people. You don't have to be missing a leg, in a wheel-chair, or walking on crutches to be disabled. All disabilities are not visible.

Block her calls and you're good to go!

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

A friend trying to get in contact with you? What a monster.

Anyway if you don’t want her contacting you on social media unfollow her. You won’t see her stuff. But since you’re taking a break from social media you shouldn’t see her messages anyway right? As to text messages and phone calls block her number. She’ll eventually get the hint that you actually aren’t her friend. The last six lines of your query make that abundantly clear.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhat isn't clear is how she is messaging you?

Over social media? If so, just HIDE her feed. Which she can't see that you do! And Voila! you can't see the random crap she likes to share.

Over the phone (texting or calling) well, you could put her number on mute. (not block her but just on mute). If she calls to tell you "I've just painted my toenails!!" just have her number go to voicemail or silence her number.

The thing is... I think this is her way of socializing and not feeling too lonely. The fact that she can punch in a sentence and hopefully get an answer or comment make her "little" life seem less "little".

If her texts are just little random snippets of her life, WHY does it anger you so much? Why do you call her a friend if she annoys you so much?

As for her doing something with her life, IS that really for you to decide? It's her life after all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

I don't think you sound like a great friend to be honest.. and if I were her when you do decide to use your phone I wouldn't be interested.. a check in text is nothing.. being rude and obnoxious is .. but you have every right it's your choice to not have any contact.. I think you've posted about this friend before and how lazy she is and won't work ..

There is nothing nice you have said about at all .. I don't personal do face book never have .. I find it boring.. but I do text my friends .. if your busy and you've answered or checked in with her then say look her name I'm busy now will catch up with you tomorrow have a great day/evening or whatever

However from what you've posted I would just send it to her and let her make up her mind - this is only your side to this story and i think it's kinda done

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