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My friend was in town and didn't tell me

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 October 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

A few months after a bad breakup, I reached out to my high school prom date who I'd always had a crush on. I suspected it may be mutual.

We began talking and flirting regularly. He visited me once and I visited him once, as we live several hours apart.

The weekend I visited him seemed magical. He lives on the water and we went swimming, had drinks and got dinner as well as doing many physical things. He had been texting me a lot before the trip, checking in and being very supportive of my new job. I thanked him for this and he said " of course, that's because I care about you more than just physical things". We talked about how natural the whole weekend went and I felt like he treated me more than just a friend with benefits.

We texted a bit after, not as much as before. He told me a month ago that he was coming this weekend to my town so I suggested some things we could do when he came. Our talking weaned off and we haven't spoken in a few weeks. Today I saw on Facebook that he was in town. He didn't contact me, so I got mad and deleted him as a friend. I feel so foolish because I thought we had real chemistry and that he would reach out to me again.

He made it very clear that he didn't want a relationship. I was fine with that (although I know I did somewhat hope I could change his mind) and NEVER said anything about us dating or being clingy. I knew that he wouldn't respond well to me trying to get deeper or get with him,so I never said anything emotional or anything suggesting I'd date him. He mentioned so many times that he didn't want to date, was focused on his career, etc. I even offered to set him up with my friends to try to show him that I wasn't wanting anything serious or emotional (It was a lie).

Now I'm looking back on the weekend realizing that maybe it wasn't as great as I thought. He invited his friend to come swim with us, then to dinner, then we went to a party at his friend's house. He told them all about me, but it wasn't like he was really doing anything special for me. Just being considerate... I feel like a fool. I know he didn't want as much as I did, but I also know I didn't make it seem like I wanted a relationship! I just thought someone with whom I have many mutual friends and years of knowing each other would have told me he was in town. Instead, I feel ridiculous. Thoughts? Thanks for the help.

View related questions: crush, facebook, flirt, friend with benefits, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntTake this as a learning curve. If you want a relationship and a guy doesn't then be honest with them. The only person that you are hurting by lying is yourself. This guy is pretty happy, he got what he wanted and that was you travelling all the way to see him just so he could have sex with you. When a guy tells you he is not serious, that generally means that he isn't but he still didn't mind a bit off fun. Personally I would want more from a guy so I would have turned him down. Have more confidence in yourself and stop lying to yourself and others, if a guy is interested he will make the effort.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou pretended to be something you were not to please this guy and you STILL didn't land him. Yes, that will hurt, but you will get over it a lot quicker than if you had hung in there for years, pretending you did not want a relationship but licking up any crumbs of hope he threw you that, sometime in the future, you would be together. How much more would it have hurt if you had hung in there, with casual contact, for years and then, when he was eventually ready to date, he decided it was not YOU he wanted to date?

This guy has been perfectly honest with you in telling you he does not want to date at the moment. Now it is time to be honest with YOURSELF. Give yourself time to get over your loss, then find someone who IS available.

Hugs.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (15 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Say what you mean and mean what you say . To yourself too, in fact to yourself most of all :).

Expectations expectations....You feel bad, and disappointed and foolish, because deep down you wanted this to be more than just a nice weekend and wanted him to see you as more than the person with whom to share a few pleasant hours, so you worked hard in your head to see all the " signals " that confirmed your hopes, neglecting those that , rather evidently, would cancel them. (Like, bringing along a friend to basically everywhere you went but the bedroom- it does not look like something building up a lot of intimacy...)

We can't even have the satisfaction to bash the guy for acting shady- because he did not . He made clear from the get go that he was not looking for a relationship or for regular dates. He said it, and he showed it. Of course he might see you more than just as walking vagina ! - because you were friends to begin with, so he treated you with friendliness and kindness. Which , does not mean that he wants to make a habit of regulat meet ups every time he is in town. During your visit to his place, he... was in the moment , so to speak, and it was a good moment, that he does not regret , I am sure ; yet, to him it was not meaningful enough that he felt compelled to repeat it at the first possibile chance. Nothing personal, ( although it's difficult not to take it as a personal rejection , I know ) and, frankly, nothing surprising or to be shocked about, unless you had been psyching yourself up with wishful thinking.

Look, these things happen, they are just bumps in the road in your dating / love life, and they are useful because they teach you how to steer your course.

Next time, if there's someone who seems to be offering something casual- either you are honestly in the mood for casual, and you seize , and enjoy, the moment, no emotional string attached. Or, if, being honest with yourself, you see that you do not want something totally casual- you stay away from the situation. With regret, but stay clear away. Because by now you know that a weekend of fun and games may be followed by too much humiliation, regret and bitterness for what it was actually worth.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (15 October 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou feel ridiculous because you put yourself out there hoping for a rebound relationship with someone you thought had a crush on you and now you feel rejected.

I know what hurts now is the rejection. The fact that he didn't get back to you when he was in town. That you thought that *maybe* you meant something to him but now you know the truth.

If you ask me, the best way to heal from a bad break-up is to be single. Not alone but single. Spend time with friends, watch meaningless TV, go for movies, read good books, and be open to meeting new people without investing too much emotionally this early on.

Byetting into a rebound you're setting yourself up for another potential disaster, as if one wasn't bad enough. You fell for him too hard, too soon and expected too much in return. It's like he was your back-up dude and you were hurrying to get into a relationship with him at your terms, as and when you wanted. You were in that relationshippy place because of your circumstances but he wasn't.

It'll hurt for a while now but nothing too bad. You'll move on.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntEh, you made a mistake lying to yourself (mostly) and him as well, pretending you were OH so cool with "just" hanging out and what may come...

In the future, IF you are looking for a relationship, don't lie to yourself and don't IGNORE what the guy tells you. If someone tells you:" I am NOT looking for a relationship" then don't make the mistake of thinking "I can change his mind"... because that is not how it works. Instead, move on right away. Don't waste any more time, energy and emotions on someone who isn't a REAL friend and who ISN'T interested in you.

Trying to set him up with a friend? Wait... what? If you were sort of interested in him why on Earth would you do that to yourself? And to your friend?

Back to why he didn't contact you when he was in your town. Because he didn't WANT to see you. He had other plans and none he wanted to include you in. That is why when you said:" hey let me know if you want to spend time on your visit here..." he ignored it.

If that doesn't tell you he REALLY wasn't into you, I don't know what to say. You may not have "tried" to make a relationship happen, but he knew that you were WAY more into him than he was into you. And he got his notch in his bedpost when you visited. Which is probably also why the contact after that visit went downhill.

I suggest you block and delete his number and KEEP blocking him on Facebook.

You said:

"We talked about how natural the whole weekend went and I felt like he treated me more than just a friend with benefits."

Because THAT is what you WANTED to see. Many people are cutesy, intimate, almost romantic with their FWB - because it's WAY easier to do all these things as there are no obligations, unlike in a REAL relationship. He was being super friendly because he was hoping to get laid.

So, what do you do now?

STOP beating yourself up. Shit happens and YOU made the mistake of not being honest with yourself and putting yourself in a situation where YOU got hurt. Your feelings and your ego. IT happens.

At least you didn't carry on with this guy for a long time.

Next time, you will know better.

Chin up.

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