A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend marriage is a disaster, he always loved another women but still married his current wife. She know about his feelings and was sure that he will get over it. But last year it was very hard so he was going to break up with her and get divorced. When he told her that he want to get divorced she told him that she stopped protecting and that she is already pregnant. She did that all because she thought that a child maybe could save their marriage (she never wanted kids before).He is confused right now, he wants to get a divorce but still he is thinking about the child. And what's even more worse is that he has the change to get his love back what he screwed years ago. She moved back from the south, I talked with her and I know that she is also still in love with him. I don't know what to do? Should I tell him that she is still in love with him? That she actually never could forget him and had no other serious relationship. I want my friends to get happy. But is this possible? because his wife is now in the 4. month of pregnancy an abortion was never a option because of their beliefs. But he still wants to leave her, after the baby is born, but he do not know when exactly, its going to be his first child. All over that his wife is threatening him to hurt herself and the baby. She is trying everything to get him back on track, she tried to influence even me to help her, I should talk to him and make sure he stays. She is very aggressive when its comes to him, she spies after him, never let him alone, is extreme jealous and she think that he is leaving her for someone else. But he is leaving her because she is how she is! and they never did fit together their marriage was full off fights from the first day on, actually even in their honeymoon. I don't know how can I help my friend. He is a totally mess and he started complaining about life. I am scared that he might do something to hurt himself. So what can I do to help him?
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male
reader, mwarren  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 He should leave her regardless. A baby isnt going to save the marriage. She is usung the baby as a way of trapping and controlling him. He should just file for divorce and go thru with it, pay his child support and see the baby when he can and move on. This guy is in for a long miserable life if he stays
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Your friend should try to fix his marriage maybe marriage conceiling at least til that babys born maybe that's y she fights with him knowing he's not trying and has feelings for someone else but wen ur married u always want something you can't have so that other women he may say that but not really mean it and your only hearing one side of the story so how do you jugde if he didn't leave he oviously won't so honestly don't loose a friend and stay out of it talk with him tell him u got married man sorry shit isn't great but I don't want to tell u what to do and u get mad later or something you have to think for yourself! And also don't bring up that girl she isn't important he shouldn't cheat on his wife if he won't leave her or can't he isn't going to your other friend will be used!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): "You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if this man actually disliked his wife as much as you think he does, he would NEVER have sex with her."Actually I have to disagree with this as a general blanket statement. Ever hear of men who use women, maybe even get them pregnant and then just dump them and disappear? Or who are sleeping around with more than one woman at a time? Some of those men are even married. Is it a stretch to imagine that one of those women he's being physically intimate with could also be his wife, just that he doesn't limit himself to just her but she's the most convenient cos she's always there he doesn't have to go looking?Your statement would hold true for emotionally healthy individuals who have a good self-esteem, good conscience, proper respect for other people, good sense of boundaries and what constitutes healthy relationships and the ability to distinguish it from unhealthy behavior.But alas, many people do not fit this description. Many people are emotionally unhealthy, some very much so. Doesn't stop them from tying the knot though...but emotionally unhealthy people are often dysfunctional when it comes to their intimate relationships.I know quite a few people who continued to have intimate relations with their partners/spouses even though they couldn't stand them. These are not folks who are emotionally healthy but that's who they are and where they're coming from. People still have needs and it's easier to get them met by a current partner if that person is conveniently accessible and also willing to participate for their own personal (maybe selfish) reasons. Maybe the wife is using sex as a control and manipulation tactic. Actually it sounds like that's what's happening in the OP's friend's situation. This happens a lot in dysfunctional marriages where the woman doesn't want the husband to leave her or wants to control him so she uses sex as a weapon. Maybe the husband is using it to self-medicate his blues and temporarily distract himself from his problems or to prevent his ego falling apart. Both of them doing it together but each person tuned out from each other, maybe imagining they are with other people. or one person (often the man) just looking to satisfy his own needs and the woman just resentfully going along because she's afraid he'll leave her if she doesn't. Or because he coerces her saying he's financially supporting her so she has to do this for him.Relationships like that are dysfunctional, but common. And just because a relationship is also a marriage doesn't mean it can't be dysfunctional like this. I also know people who broke up or got divorced literally the day after they last slept with their partner. Or who, after breaking up, continued to hook up for casual sex even though they really didn't want to be in a relationship anymore with each other anymore but just out of convenience. in short, just because two people are having sex and are even married to each other is no indication of whether they love each or even like each other. If they were both emotionally healthy individuals then yes they would use physical intimacy in the right context of love and tenderness and care and refrain from it when the conditions have crumbled. But a lot of people are dysfunctional and not emotionally healthy at all, and this shows through in their use of intimacy. but I agree that one does not know what goes on behind a couple's closed doors so one shouldn't make any assumptions. OP, if you really want to know how your friend feels about his wife, you have to ask him. But he may not tell you the truth - he himself may not know how he feels about her. his feelings may be all over the map. Or he may be choosing not to be honest for various reasons. In the end it's just no one else's business except that couple's.men also stay married to women they dont' want for many reasons. When you get married it's not only about love anymore it's also about social responsibility and obligations and duties. He's going to be a parent now, so it's no longer about what he wants and what makes him happy. His desires and needs have to take a backseat to his child's if he is to be a good and honorable parent. I know many people who waited until their children were grown before they finally got divorced. If it were up to them they would have divorced much sooner but they put their kids' needs first. once you are a parent it's no longer just about you and what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): OP I've been in the same situation as you - my best friend (a guy, we grew up together so he's like my brother) who has a horrible marriage with a controlling b!tch of a wife and wanted to leave the wife but she got pregnant (went off birth control secretly) to trap him with a baby. My friend ended up staying with his wife, their kid is now 5 years old. And he's not leaving her no matter what because she's a stay at home mom too so she's completely dependent on him so he is completely trapped in this life. Yes he's still miserable, yes he's still in depression which is getting worse. But you know what? That's his life, his decision. He was raised conservative where his whole identify and self esteem revolves around being a traditional upstanding family man and provider. He's not going to do anything to jeopardize that image he has worked so hard to create, no matter how miserable he is. He has found a way to cope with his marriage and to deal with it. maybe he takes prozac, or has finally gotten himself into therapy as I suggested a long time ago. either way, he is still miserable but he's made the decision to be that way because to him it's more important to maintain his family structure and have his identity as a traditional family man intact than to be non-miserable or happy. And that's his choice.People ask, how can a man who hates his wife still be sleeping with her to get her pregnant? Does the fact that he was sleeping with her means he doesn't actually hate her that much and things aren't that bad between them? That's a joke. Men can separate sex from feelings because of their biological urges. It's all physical/chemical release and no feelings need to be involved for him to achieve that. The fact that they are married means she expects him to sleep with her too, and he has his biological urges and she's available and wanting him to sleep with her so it's not a big surprise that a man can hate his wife and yet still be sleeping with her. (if a woman hates her husband it's totally different - she will usually be totally turned off and be unable to sleep with him, but it's not the same when the tables are reversed)....It's probably not loving or anything, it's probably very unsatisfying for the wife and he is probably just getting the bare minimum release out of the deed but they still can sleep with each other if she doesn't hate him too much, regardless of how he feels about her. (I've been in that kind of relationship too so I know men can still sleep with someone they have no feelings for anymore but just for the physical release...yes it contributes to the disintegration of the relationship eventually but it can still go on like this for many years)Now onto your question of what should you do?The answer: NOTHING. This is your friend's messed up life. It does not involve you so you should stay out of it and not interfere. He has to decide what he is going to do, and if it turns out to be a disaster then he has to own up to his mistakes and bad decisions, and once again decide what to do next. That's all.Personally I think his wife is despicable and he should leave her, support his child but as a divorced dad. But it's not for anyone else but him to decide that or push him into that. If he has his own reasons for not divorcing her already, then whatever his internal reasons are valid because he is the one living this life so he has to be OK with the path he takes. if he feels too guilty to divorce her, then it is not right for him to be divorcing her because that would go against his personal values. You should refrain from interfering in his marriage in any way. You should offer support but stop at the point of being a sympathetic ear. Do not tell him what he should and should not do UNLESS he specifically asks for your opinion. If he doesn't, then you should keep your opinions to yourself.Don't agree to her to help her 'make' him stay either. Tell her politely that it's not your business what goes on between them so if she wants him to stay it's got to be on her own merits. You're not going to be a go-between because that puts you in an uncomfortable situation.Do not tell his lover anything except same as what you tell the wife. You are not the go-between. In other words. you stay out of this completely.Also realize that it's possible your friend only complains to you when he's mad at his wife, but he doesn't tell you when things are going well between them. So maybe he doesn't really hate her as much as you think. He only hates her in that particular moment but the next day it could be different. Maybe that's how he got her pregnant. That's another reason why you shouldn't be interfering in their marriage. You do not have all the information to even begin to decide what is in anyone's best interests.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2012):
 the best way to help your friend is to listen to him when he wants to vent about it.
DO NOTHING.
SAY NOTHING
JUST LISTEN
when he asks for advice you shrug your shoulders and say "I got nuthin... you have to figure this out for yourself"
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop meddling in other people's lives.
First of all, basic sex ed., how do women get pregnant OP? By having sex with a man. Newsflash, your friend is having sex with his wife, and no one is pointing a gun to his head. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if this man actually disliked his wife as much as you think he does, he would NEVER have sex with her. If there were as many fights and as much unpleasantness as you think, there would be no physical proximity between the man and his wife. Clearly, the fact that the wife is pregnant, means otherwise.
Never interfere in a marriage or in anyone's relationship. The people involved are all adults and capable of making their own decisions. Please do not meddle.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (8 May 2012):
 He's a big boy. He chose to marry this woman. No one put a gun to his head. She certainly wasn't pregnant at the time he decided to marry her so he obviously loved her and wanted to spend his life with her. Perhaps her controlling nature comes from the fact that she knows he has or had feelings for another woman, and it's friends like you always trying to hook him up with someone else behind her back that makes her jealous and mistrusting. Can you blame her? The other thing you don't realize is what their relationship is really like behind closed doors. You only hear about things when he feels like bitching but you really don't know about the good things that go on between them because I'd be willing to bet he never shares those stories with you. This is the thing that young couples tend to do. They might be crazy in love with the person they married but everytime they don't get their way about something, everytime they have a disagreement or a little spat they whine to their parents or they whine to their friends. And they frequently make the situation out to be more overblown than it really is. Then when they patch things up and everything is lovey-dovey they never say a word about that. And all you think is that the relationship is really horrible. In fact it probably is not horrible at all. If he really wanted out he would have gotten out long before the baby arrived. He's not telling you the whole truth. He's just using you when he feels upset about something so you are not getting the whole story. Young guys tend to go into their first marriages with alot to learn and it's always up to the woman to be the coach. 'No you cannot leave your dirty socks all over the house; No you cannot always pick the restaurant, what about what I like?... Please introduce me when you bump into people from your past (it's disrespectful not to) No you cannot invite friends over without checking to see how your wife feels about cooking and cleaning up after your friends especially if she's tired, stressed out or PMS See? There's so much to learn when you merge two people into a household. It will never be all smiles. And the more stubborn and immature the guy is, the more work it is for the woman to help him grow up; there will be conflicts, there will be issues to iron out and the more he will whine to his friends who will think he has it so bad. You should just back off and not take everything he says to heart. It's not up to you to fix his problems and it's not appropriate to bring an old girlfriend into the picture. That boat sailed for reason, you need to leave it in the ocean. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (8 May 2012):
I absolutely understand your anxiety for your friend, but indeed this is his business and his alone.
You can support and listen but that is all.
Tell him about this site, and if he posts his question he will get a lot of answers from people from all walks of life, all over the world.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I agree with eyeswideopen here.
Understand that if a man is married and is in love and longing for another woman, his wife is going to be labeled as controlling no matter what. She could be the greatest woman in the world, but as long as she's an obstacle in his pursuit (even a mental or emotional one) of another, she will be seen as controlling.
That being said, if it's true that she's gotten pregnant just to improve the marriage, and even more importantly, if she's threatening to harm herself or the baby, then steps are needed to protect that baby. Ironic that according to this guy, she's threatening to harm the baby, yet abortion is out? Sounds more like manipulation.
However, and this is a very big thing and it speaks to your involvement in the matter. If he's afraid of leaving her because of the threat of self-harm, then why would he contemplate cheating, since its effects would no doubt cause her to desire self-harm even more than if he left her.
Be very careful. He needs to leave this marriage before bringing a third party into it. AND, if she's 4 months pregnant, this means they're still having sex. Everything is tainted in the mind of a cheater or one who wants to cheat. You can be sympathetic to his plight, but do not be an accomplice to his cheating. Rather, help them get professional help and split so that there's no harm done to her or a truly innocent child.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Be very careful, you are walking a thin line when you get deeply involved in a friend's marriage. He has to work things out for himself so just be there for him and supportive but let him make this very personal decision alone or you could damage your friendship.
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A
female
reader, Enya1979 +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Of course it is possible to be happy, your friend just have to want it badly enough to take hard decisions. Trust me it is better to have divorced parents then parents that do not love each other. Of course you should tell your friend that this girl loves him. True love is hard to come by, and everybody should have a chance to be happy. If there is no hope for this marriage, than what is the point of going on and waisting more time on a relationship that will not work. He is just posponing what is inevitable. He can still be a father, and be happy with the woman he loves.A family member of mine was in a similar relationship. Finally he managed to get rid of this control freak woman. The only thing that he regrets is not getting rid of her earlier. If i were in your position, I would tell him to take control of his life, to get rid of the woman he doesn't love and who is trying to keep him using the baby, and to try to get back his love.
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (8 May 2012):
I feel really bad for his current wife, I can see why she is so controlling. He will be leaving her for another woman, she always has that hanging over her head. It was wrong for her to stop protection, but when he realized he wasn't going to love her. He shouldn't have had sex with her. Get them both into marriage counseling and try to be supportive to save their marriage. Ignore this other woman wanting your friend back until after your friend goes through therapy and if it doesn't work.
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