A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:An old friend who moved from Berlin where I live to San Diego is getting married. 5 years ago we were great friends and housemates. As time went on, I recognized we are very different and have different value systems. His dream is to find a partner settle down and get married and adopt children and go to church, mine is to enjoy my life and so what feels right. He fell in love and wants to get married. He hasn’t been an active part of my life for years and clearly is deeply in love and happy in California. His former friendship group and life in Berlin are now a much loved and cherished chapter in his life but it is a closed chapter. He invited all his friendship group to his wedding. All of them apart from me and another friend said they couldn’t say attend for various reasons. The bottom line is its very pricey and knowing this friend, this is not only a wedding but a kind of goodbye as its obvious he just wants a family life. Since I agreed to attend, I lost my job and had booked one month in japan before I knew I would lose that job. I told him I wasn’t sure I could attend and he got very upset and said he felt disappointed that none of his berlin friends were coming. I feel very confused about whether I should attend, he started calling me out on my trip to japan and guilt tripping me (even though this was something I was doing for myself), and the suggestion was why was his wedding no the priority. He booked his wedding at the most expensive time of the year to fly to California, he did not consider his friends in berlin and assumed we would all be happy to spend money to be there one day and hardly have ay time with him. We also suggest having a group holiday so we could actually see him and talk with him but he declined. I feel strongly if it was my wedding and the tickets cost a thousand dollars upwards he would definitely not book time off work or spend it. Am I bad a person if I take back my agreement to go? I feel this is less about me changing my mind and more about him feeling hurt that none of his friends saw his wedding as a priority.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (23 April 2018):
 It appears this friend likes to call the shots and have things all his own way. No wonder he is "disappointed" when everyone doesn't come running to his whistle.
No, you are not being selfish. You know what your reasons are so stick to your guns and don't allow this man to guilt trip you into doing something you can't afford.
As the others have said, send him a gift and a nice card/letter, wishing him a nice day and saying you hope to be able to see him sometime in the not too distant future. If he decides that is not good enough, that is HIS decision.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 April 2018):
 Send a gift, and a card wishing him all the very best for his wedding with an expression of welcome to visit any time he and his wife are in your country.
Circumstances change, this is a fact of life, its a shame he couldn't see any value in having a pre wedding holiday with his friends, but maybe HIS circumstances didn't allow it.
I understand his disappointment, maybe with time he will understand your point of view.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (22 April 2018):
You are not a bad person if you don’t attend a wedding you cannot afford. Send a gift, one you can afford with a nice letter wishing him a long happy marriage and telling him you look forward to meeting his new wife in future.
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